by Sandra Bats
We ran into Elin about to enter the room. Cam glanced from her to me, neither of us meeting the other’s eye. He scoffed.
“Seriously, you guys are worse than kids. Elin, Jayden wants you to know that he’ll call in an assembly tomorrow because of the atrium. This is the first and last time I’m doing this. Figure out a way to talk without killing each other, please.”
We stood in silence as Cam went into my room. He emerged with a sleeping Nigel wrapped protectively in his arms. Elin used the moment to duck into the room without much of a word. I knew she’d pretend to be asleep when I entered a few minutes later.
Fourteen
Elin
My nightmares woke me in the very early morning, a peek through the gap between the curtains revealed that the sky was still completely black but going back to sleep was no option. I listened for any sounds, hoping I’d not woken Jayden, but he slept about as lightly as an animal of prey would, suspecting danger at the smallest of noises. When he whispered my name, I rushed to my feet, curtly telling him to return to sleep before I all but fled from the room.
In the quiet of the morning, I went to the kitchen, hoping to scavenge some food for the chickens. Soft light shone under the door and I carefully pushed it open to slip inside. The air was warm with steam rising from one of the pots and Kathy turned around when I entered, a wide smile crossing her face.
“Thank you!” she squealed and pulled me in for a hug. When I flinched back she pointed at a few bags of flour. “The note said you and Cam got them!”
Her voice was still far too loud and excited for how early it was, but I smiled nonetheless because of the candor in her tone, and because I was glad that something I contributed put that smile on her face.
“Did you see there’s also a small bag of yeast and some sugar?” I leaned against the counter.
“Yeah. Why do you think I’m so excited? I can make bread from this. How’d you managed to get it? You’re a genius.”
I waved her off. “Just got lucky. The miller’s kid has the flu so he really needed those meds we had. Anyway, we also got some chickens and I actually came here to check if you had anything I could feed them?”
“Chickens? What for?”
“I want to grow crops in the atrium and raise chickens there. You know, help us be a bit more self-sustainable.”
“Nice. Could I help? I’d love to get a say in what ends up in my pots.”
I agreed, happy to have Kathy as a partner for my project. She handed me a watering bowl and since chickens generally ate anything, it wasn’t too much of an issue for her to dig up kitchen scraps she would’ve had thrown out otherwise.
Kathy’s promise to help made me look forward to the assembly Jayden had promised for that morning. The task was much less daunting knowing that I’d work alongside a friend.
That thought itself, having a friend besides Jayden put a little spring in my step as I went about my morning. It was easier being friends with Kathy because I didn’t feel like I owed her anything. She hadn’t had any part in me getting here, she didn’t know about my nightmares. Kathy’s friendship simply stemmed from our similar interests.
◆◆◆
I strolled into the auditorium for the assembly. It was the first time I attended a meeting with everybody present. Of course, the room was nowhere near capacity, but with the almost fifty inhabitants sitting scattered about, it appeared livelier than it had the last time.
Kathy saved me a seat in the first row between herself and Cam. Nigel bounced on his seat, manipulating the old auditorium chair so it folded up while he sat on it until Cam asked him to stop because the whole first row was shaking with his movements.
“Why are we even here?” Nigel asked, as he pulled a face.
“Because Jayden has important things to tell us,” Cam explained. “Please, if you sit still for the next couple of minutes we can go play ball in the gym afterwards, ok?”
Nigel’s face lit up and he turned towards the stage, not moving, as we waited for Jayden to speak.
Jayden approached the stage, scanned the rows of chairs and straightened up.
“Glad you’re all here. I don’t want to keep you long, so let’s make this quick. First off, good news! Cam and Elin brought back flour, so you can all look forward to the wonderful bread Kathy will be making.”
There were actual cheers around the room — the prospect of meal variety lifted everybody’s mood.
“Secondly, Nigel had a great idea.” The boy smiled when he heard his name and Cam affectionately ruffled his hair. “He suggested that we have a New Year’s Party, like we did last year. The last couple months have been quite tough. Despite everything, we managed to survive and stick together, and I agree with Nigel; that is something worth celebrating. So, get ready to party on New Year’s Eve.”
A few excited hoots, mainly from Josh and Brady’s direction, filled the short silence. Excited chatter ensued until Jayden whistled loudly to get their attention.
“Okay now,” he said, once everyone had quieted down, “there’s one last thing. A while ago Elin suggested cultivating our own crops in the atrium. She got us some chickens, so the timeline for this is a bit rushed. The idea is to make us more self-sufficient, so we won’t need to worry about food during winter. Before I say much more, I think it’ll be best if Elin explained it herself. Would you come up here?”
I froze in my seat, while my skin felt as if it were burning right off my face. I didn’t expect to speak — not to this many people — and not without any sort of preparation.
Jayden’s eyes were fixed on me; he smiled encouragingly but I detected the slight hint of a mischievous smirk around his eyes. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, waiting for me to get up. With Kathy quietly encouraging me I got to my feet and stepped towards the stage. I glanced around, so jittery I overlooked the stairs, and Chris, another guard, kindly pointed me towards them.
I stumbled upward, to the middle of the stage, which Jayden had vacated for me. I looked down into expectant faces. I took a deep breath, but my first greeting came out too quiet and shaky, so I cleared my throat.
“Uhm, hi!” I managed. Somewhat normally.
My eyes wandered the room. I looked at Kathy and Cam, who both threw me encouraging smiles. I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans, trying to sort my thoughts.
“Well, so … I grew up on a farm, so I know a bit about planting. About chickens, too. They’re in the gym but they’ll need a den soon. I would surely need help with that. About the crops; we’d need to remove the atrium tiles and check the soil underneath and then we can plant and harvest stuff. Well, yeah, that’s what I’ll need help with. Planting and maintaining stuff. You don’t need any prior knowledge, but if you have some, great, if you don’t that’s ok, too. You just needn’t be afraid to get dirty and work in the mud.”
I felt breathless, looking down at the audience as I tried to catch my breath, and my hands shook — surely everybody could see how embarrassed and insecure I was. It got even worse when I noticed Alex straighten in his seat. His penetrating voice cut through the idle chatter.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind getting dirty with you!”
I froze as the room went silent. I searched for a snappy comeback, something smart or at least something that wouldn’t make me look a terrified fool but nothing came to mind. Instead, tears burned in my eyes, but I refused to let them escape.
Cam stood up, an annoyed look on his face. He grabbed Alex by the arm, quietly speaking to him, as he escorted him from the auditorium.
“Ok, well, I think that’s all. If you’re interested in helping, let me know. Kathy is already in, but we need one or two more people. It’ll be hard work, especially in the beginning, but I’m sure the reward of having enough food — and different food — will be worth it.” I rushed towards the stairs, and at the last moment I turned back to my audience again. “Uhm, thanks for listening.”
I hastened back to my seat, dropping into it and making myself sm
all with my heart pounding so loud, I could barely hear Jayden dismissing everybody. Kathy squeezed my arm, congratulating me on my speech. I didn’t understand what she meant because it seemed as if I’d stammered like an utter idiot.
Kathy and I were about to exit when Jayden angled for our attention. He didn’t meet my eyes, but he directed his words at both of us.
“You can use the scrap metal out back if you need it for the den. Kathy, you know which metal I mean, right?”
Kathy knew but before we had a chance to leave Jonah came up to us as well, telling us he wanted to help, and I suggested we could get to work right away.
We’d just made it back to the atrium after gathering tools and some chicken wire when Cam appeared in the doorway with Nigel standing shyly by his side.
“You want to ask?” Cam said to him, but Nigel shook his head. “Nigel was wondering if he could help, too? We weren’t sure if you had anything to do for him?”
Cam sounded worried that he was imposing on me, so I eagerly ensured him that Nigel could help. The little kid reminded me of my sisters, especially Norah, who would be his age. I knelt to look him in the eye.
“Can you show me how strong you are?” I asked, indicating for him to flex his arms and gently squeezing his biceps as he did. “Oh wow, yeah, I think we really need your help. You want to run and get your jacket so we can start?”
Nigel smiled, exposing the gap between his front teeth, then took off excitedly.
“Thank you,” Cam said. “He can be quite shy, but he really likes feeling useful. If it’s too much of a bother, let me know.”
I laughed. “It’s fine, really. I absolutely don’t mind. I actually adore him. I’ll make sure he gets to do something that’s fun but safe.”
Before I knew it, Cam had pulled me in for a quick hug, then he disappeared inside again.
I clapped my hands, turning towards my little crew.
“Ok, then. I think we should start with the den. It’ll have an inside and outside area. The storage room will be inside, behind that wall, and outside will be a fenced area with a wicket to open when the chickens roam the whole atrium. That way, we can pen the chickens so they don’t eat our seedlings once those are planted but let them out to eat the vermin. How do you feel about Kathy and me building the inside part of the den, fencing off the area? We may not need the whole space, and if we don’t, then we can utilize the remainder for storage. Jonah, would you like to try making a cutout in the wall to the storage room? And Nigel, you can help him remove the debris, what do you think?”
Being in charge was such an unusual feeling — a strange satisfaction hummed through me as they agreed with my directions, ready to work. The four of us worked well together. Not only did everyone quickly catch on to what I tried to verbalize, they also brought up their own ideas. Jonah taught Nigel to use the chisel for the cutout, helping him move the hammer so he didn’t hit his fingers. Kathy and I battled with the chicken wire, but in the end, we managed to shape it into some sort of cage.
We joked and chatted, and though the work was taxing, especially in the cold, it was enjoyable. By afternoon, the inside of the den was ready and everyone stuck around for me to put the chickens into their new home. Nigel was the first to kneel down and glance at them when I opened the cage.
“Why doesn’t that one have feathers?” he asked, pointing at the hen.
“She’s changing them. It’s perfectly normal, but the girl who sold her thought she was sick, so I got her quite cheap. The other one is our rooster. If we’re patient, we’ll have a few more chickens soon.”
“How many eggs will they lay?” Kathy asked, apparently already thinking about the cooking aspect.
“Maybe one per day, maybe less. But once they breed and we have more, we can raise them for meat as well. Especially the males. We won’t need more than one, so …”
I realized it was best not to talk about killing rosters in front of Nigel. Luckily, he was more interested in feeding them, so we stood by as he replaced their water and gave them more kitchen scraps.
“Thank you, guys! I think we did a great job today. Tomorrow we can look at building the fence for the outside area.”
Nigel chatted about all the things he was going to tell Cam as he went inside with Jonah. Kathy also hurried inside to put bread in the oven and prepare dinner.
While I looked for our lost chisel in the snow, Jayden walked into the atrium. He threw a cautious glance in my direction, then at the den, then the chickens.
“Nice job,” he praised. I hated how I felt the need to smile. I responded with a quick thank you, turning around to head off.
“Elin.” I stopped but didn’t turn around. “Does it really have to be this way? Us not talking? I mean, I miss you. I made a mistake and I’m sorry, ok?”
I turned but still was unable to meet his eyes. “Really? Well, what are you sorry for?”
Jayden frowned, because of course he hadn’t even understood what I’d been angry about. “You assume that I think you can’t defend yourself,” he voiced awkwardly, but I shook my head.
“That’s not it!” I threw my hands up. “You don’t understand that I can’t deal with this … affection from you. It’s too much. I can barely deal with being friends with you. I can barely accept the help you offered by letting me stay here. By helping me through my nightmares. It’s already so much that I owe you. I owe you my life.” I took a deep breath because just saying the next part was insane. “Just imagine if we truly were to start something. I’d always owe you. I’d never be my own person. I’ll always be some girl, some conquest to you, with no ground to stand on. And you’ll always think that you need to protect me. It doesn’t work that way. It can’t be you always offering help and me never being able to give you anything in return.”
The words leapt from my tongue; I had no chance to stop them. He shook his head, holding his hands up signaling that he wanted to explain himself, but I wouldn’t let him, just walked inside past him. Without a doubt, it would have been platitudes about how I didn’t owe him anything, but that wasn’t how the world worked; nothing was given freely. The only things I owned to give in exchange for friendship were the broken brittle pieces of my own. And besides not being worth much, I wasn’t sure I could give them away without losing what remained of myself.
Fifteen
Jayden
I only made matters worse with my apology in the atrium. Elin looked so upbeat about the chicken den. She was radiant and I thought that would be a good time to apologize.
Instead, I made her think I didn’t understand where she was coming from. It felt like some test when she asked why I was apologizing. I thought I understood her. I assumed she’d been angry because she thought I considered her incapable of protecting herself. Which I didn’t. And which apparently wasn’t the problem.
No, it was her thinking she owed me something. For having offered her shelter, of all things. How was I supposed to fix that? It wasn’t something I could undo. It wasn’t even something I considered an issue. I hadn’t once expected anything in return. How did the fact that I offered her help when she’d needed it mean that we were unequal?
I should’ve reminded her that she’d saved my life giving up her necklace. Probably wasn’t the same thing to her. Groaning, I leaned back in my chair, putting my feet up on the office desk.
I thought that maybe I should distract myself. I reached for the pamphlet Brady had brought back from town. They were filled with government propaganda, or as the one I held was, the opposing rebel’s view. The only thing government and rebel pamphlets shared were their one-sided views, always blaming the other for everything.
I knew it wasn’t that simple, so I read both sides, trying to form my own opinion. It was easy to take what the rebels said at face value. Still they never mentioned that their recent attacks caused increased military presence in the streets. While I hoped the rebels would, at one point, maybe gain control and overthrow our government, I didn’t
see their actions as completely unproblematic.
Their actions caused casualties. More military because of their attacks meant less black markets. Less food, less meds and less ammunition. Maybe Elin’s plans for the atrium and the food that came with it could ease the strain of a low food supply. And I was thinking about Elin again.
I grunted and considered slamming my head on the desk. Instead, I reached for Alex’s whiskey I’d stashed in my drawer. It served him well that I’d drink it. After all, he contributed fairly in creating the worries that burdened me.
I twisted the cap and inhaled the scent of the amber liquid. Smelled strong enough. I poured myself a glass and leaned back in my chair. I crossed my ankles on the edge of my desk. I barely had time to enjoy the first sip, or let the burn run down my throat before the door opened.
It was like Cam had some sort of radar for knowing when to be a killjoy. He stood in the door, eyeing my glass. I made a face. “What? You want to ground me for drinking?”
I knew I sounded like a defiant teenager. Well, technically I still was a teenager, might behave like one for once.
Cam closed the door and sat across from me, wearing a stern look. When I asked if he was jealous and wanted a drink too, he shook his head.
“Nope. Don’t trust in drinking problems away.”
I took another large sip. “It’s not like I’m getting wasted. This is my first glass, believe it or not.”
“It’s how it always starts with you. Something sets you off and then I find you drinking. Then by the end of the night you’re somewhere in town picking up chicks while Jane and I wonder whether you’ll make it home without an angry boyfriend strangling you. Thought today I’d try and see if I could change your mind.”
My grin was completely fake and dripping with sarcasm. “Sorry man, but you lack the essential parts for that.”