by Sandra Bats
“What stopped him?” Elin asked.
“I shot him. I was on duty on the roof. I shouldn’t have been able to take that shot considering the weather and distance, but I did. It’s why he’s so interested in me.” I winked.
“Show-off,” Elin muttered.
“It’s not showing off if it’s true talent!”
I got onto the motorcycle and held my hand out for her to join me. She muttered under her breath, something about me being conceited and cocky, but she smiled as she climbed on behind me.
◆◆◆
Things remained unchanged back at home, meaning that the wind was still relentlessly blowing, and the snowfall was growing heavily. We hurried inside and met Cam in the office as he was warming up from the patrol shift he’d just finished.
“How’d it go?” Cam questioned.
I tossed my gloves onto the desk and slipped out of my jacket. “Went all right. I think it’s an option. We met Rowan, though. Think he was scouting the place, too.”
Cam drew his brows together. “Was he being a jerk?”
Elin laughed.
“I take it you’re not a fan of his either?” Cam asked, and she shook her head.
“Rowan’s always a jerk,” I responded without much thought. I grabbed some paper to write down a few notes on the storage area and scribble up a map before I forgot any important details. Elin filled Cam in on what Rowan had said. Really, I couldn’t blame him for hating the guy. After all, he’d asked him to abandon Nigel, who, for all intents and purposes, was Cam’s child. Still we couldn’t just cave on the grounds of disliking Rowan, so when Cam voiced his worries about Rowan turning up there I waved him off.
“Elin and I’ll go back tomorrow night, check their routines again. If he’s still there, then we’ll worry about it. Likely, today was just a coincidence. Besides, we don’t exactly have enough time to find another place to rob.”
Cam still seemed uneasy. They didn’t need to know I shared that feeling. Instead, I acted like everything was all right.
◆◆◆
Roughly six hours later, after our second sentry shift, Elin and I returned to our room. As I got ready for bed Elin stood pendant between the couch and my bed.
“You know, you just have to ask,” I muttered, sitting on the bed.
Her glowing face snapped towards me and she very quietly asked whether she could sleep in my bed. Who was I to deny her that? Who was I kidding, I wanted her to.
I pulled the blanket off, revealing the side she’d slept on before. We’d been on our feet for close to twenty-four hours. We’d have to get up and out into the cold for patrol duty in less than eight hours. Despite all that, I wasn’t the least bit tired when I pulled her close to me.
“You want to sleep?” I asked quietly.
Elin giggled. “I’m not really tired.”
She tasted like sunshine after a storm. Shy and bold at once. Cuddling closer, she tucked her leg between mine, leaving only our clothes between us. She stopped moving and glanced up at me with what was obviously embarrassment, even in the dim candle light. I swallowed once, looking back at her, knowing full well what was going on. Her hip was pressed quite tightly against me. Definitely close enough for her to realize what exactly kissing her was doing to my body.
“Sorry.” I grinned sheepishly. “Can’t really help that with you being this close.”
Her face got even cuter when she stuttered. “So, that’s because of me.”
“Well, it surely isn’t cause I’m attracted to the blankets.”
I was glad that her laughter sounded genuine. At least it meant she relaxed a little, not sweating the small stuff for once. She snorted in the cutest way, trying to stifle her laugh at my stupid joke before she grew serious again.
“So you’re thinking about … well …”
“Sleeping with you?” She blushed instead of an answer. “Not really. Not right now, anyway. I mean maybe in the bigger picture of it, but I know you’re not nearly ready for that and that’s ok. You are making me a little hot and bothered but I’ll wait until you’re ready.”
Well, I certainly hadn’t expected tears to glisten in her eyes. Nor for her to shake her head frantically and tell me that I didn’t get it. I ran a hand through her hair, asking what I’d done.
“I’m broken! They ruined me, you don’t get it. I won’t ever be ready. What they did to me … it left scars! I’m downright ugly and I won’t ever be able to even take my shirt off in front of you. You can’t imagine how horrific they look.”
When I’d thought about her intimacy issues it never occurred to me that she could hate her body that much. Didn’t think anyone could hate her body that much. Then again, I’d never had anyone take control over my body and leave physical scars as a reminder.
I pressed my lips to her hairline, whispering. “Sweetheart, don’t let them win. They didn’t win when you ran. They didn’t win when Jane and I escaped because of you. Don’t let them win now by letting them have that kind of power over you. Let me judge how bad your scars are. Show me. It won’t change the way I look at you, Elin, I swear. Trust me. Please.”
Instead of an answer she rolled onto her back. I carefully ran my fingers down to the hem of her shirt. Her whole body tensed, but she didn’t stop me. When I glanced up her eyes were squeezed shut. I asked to push her shirt up a bit and she took a deep breath as she allowed it.
In the dim light her torso was pale. Well, except for the angry red scars that casted little shadows over her delicate skin. I pushed her shirt up to her ribs. I could make out five lines — a few shades darker and redder than her skin tone. One long scar spanned from side to side, right underneath her navel. Two shorter lines were placed more towards each hipbone. Somewhere in the back of my mind it registered that they had to be at the height of her ovaries. Those scars were from experiments done directly on her reproductive organs.
I traced my finger over the longest scar. The skin was rough in some spots, puckered in others. Elin held her breath and stared at me. The lack of repulsion in my eyes seemed to surprise her. I brought my lips down to her stomach and kissed the longest scar.
“It’s not as bad as you think,” I whispered softly against her skin. I kissed a second scar. “The only thing disgusting to me is that the assholes who did this are still out there.” I kissed the next one. “They’ll never get their hands on you again.” Another kiss, another scar. “I’ll keep you safe.” I rested my lips against the fifth scar, eyes still fixed on her face.
Tears were still in her eyes but she refused to let them fall. I ran my hands up and down her sides. Repeated my promise of keeping her safe if they ever came for her again.
“They’re far too many,” she muttered.
“Maybe. But don’t doubt the havoc I can raise in their lines while I’m trying.” I meant every word of it. I didn’t care that it seemed impossible or that nobody had defeated them yet. I couldn’t stand the pain in Elin’s voice.
“You don’t need to say these things, as if you needed to protect my honor. There is nothing left to protect and everybody who tried ended up dead.”
I almost didn’t dare ask. I was a firm believer in talking about nightmares, though. I truly thought sharing your fears meant weakening them. Digging around in her past often made her break down though. With Elin, it was about asking the right questions at the right time. I’d unlock something and words tumbled from her mouth. The same unstoppable way they had when she’d told me about her escape from the labs.
“Norah’s father isn’t mine and it took me a few years after Mom had died to piece it all together. Norah has brown eyes. Maddy and I have green ones, so did Mom, but my dad’s, apparently, were blue so he can’t be Norah’s father. When I understood that, I recalled an afternoon when I was about ten. I was outside on the farm, feeding chickens and this guy came by. I remember I didn’t like how he looked at me. He told me he wanted to show me something in the stables. Mom had forbidden me to go anywhere with str
angers, so I refused just long enough for her to come out of the house. She yanked me away and told me to go wait in the house. Grandpa was in town, so it was just Maddy and me.”
Elin took a deep breath. She glanced at the ceiling, looking for words.
“Mom returned after what felt like an eternity and her hair was all messed up. I remember I noticed because it was always so tidy, even after a day of working on the farm. Her dress was stained and ripped. She went straight to bed and stayed there until the next morning. She told me to never bring that day up again — Norah was born nine months later, and mom died. It took me years to understand she died because she protected me from being raped. If I’d just followed that guy to the stables, she’d still be alive.”
Elin was so sure everything would’ve been better had her mother survived. Maybe then they’d never have kidnapped her and her sister. I held her close, my mouth next to her ear. I fumbled for words meaningful enough to lessen the guilt.
“It was her decision. You were a child. Your mother knew what she was doing and I’m sure she’d be proud of the woman you turned into. She loved you and she protected you because of it. It wasn’t your fault. Neither you nor she should’ve had to live through that. You shouldn’t have had to even know about these things, but sweetheart, it wasn’t your fault she died.”
She buried her face against my neck. I found myself at a loss for words. There were no words to diminish her pain. No words to make it right again. Sometimes pain and guilt were so twisted up inside they rendered you speechless. I finally understood why she so rarely spoke of her past. It wasn’t necessarily that she didn’t want to. Her memories were just too dark to make it to light without help.
Twenty
Jayden
Despite everything, the day started out great. My pocket watch’s alarm woke me forty-five minutes before our next guard shift. When I turned to look at Elin, she was still asleep. Curls a mess and mouth slightly open, face tranquil. Almost too cute. I kissed her awake and she stretched adorably. We had a few more minutes, so I pulled her close. Her head fit right under my chin, her legs tangled up with mine.
“I sleep better with you.” Her voice was still sleep tinged as a small blush colored her face. “I mean, in your bed.”
When we left the room, I snuck another kiss for the road like the day before. I was sure nothing could ruin my good mood. I planned on stealing kisses like that every day to come.
The best-laid plans of mice and men … and so on. My good mood lasted for exactly fourteen minutes, until Cam found us during breakfast. From the grim look on his face I knew something was up.
“I looked into who messed with the diesel. It was us! We talked about delegating that job, but then Mary went into labor and we went to calm Alex down. We never got back to delegating it.”
“Shit!” This whole mess could’ve been prevented had I just done my job. Even worse, Alex had been completely right when he suggested that we’d forgotten to make someone check on the diesel. I got up from the table, excusing myself to my office. I was in a mood that wasn’t suitable for people to see.
I slammed the door behind me and kicked a chair. Hurt my shin doing so. Huffing, I sat down at my desk. I hated that I’d forgotten to appoint someone to check the diesel. Such a silly thing, but what if that was the straw that broke the camel’s back? If I could I would’ve stolen the diesel myself — without endangering anybody else. But that wasn’t on the table anymore. All I could do was wallow in self-pity for a while but in the end, there’d be no changing the outcome. There’d be a rushed mission. It’d be dangerous. I’d have to hope nothing went wrong.
A while later I stopped being pissed at the world. Well, at least I simmered down a lot. A timid knock made me look up when Elin stepped into the room.
“Just thought I’d check on you,” she said, gently closing the door behind her.
“I’m ok,” I muttered as Elin wedged herself between the desk and me. She rested her hand on my shoulder and showed me a soft smile. “Besides, it’s really hard to feel guilty when you’re looking at me that way.”
She still blushed each time I mentioned what she did to me. When she bit her lip, I needed to kiss her. I got to my feet and put my hand against the small of her back. Urged her body closer to mine. As much as I’d tried holding back the day before I couldn’t keep myself from kissing her more hungrily this time. Took me a second to realize she seemed equally eager. My fingers moved on their own, slipping under her shirt, moving up her spine. She arched her back, pressing even closer to me. Her tongue teased against mine. When she pulled away for a second to catch her breath I picked her up and sat her down on the desk.
Elin giggled into my mouth. I moved my fingers along the waistband of her pants, every once in a while, slipping underneath. There was a part of my mind that was painfully aware of every move she made. A part that judged every twitch, hoping to detect any kind of unease she might display.
That part of my mind did a victory dance when she snuck her hand under my shirt. Her soft, cold fingers glided underneath the fabric as she charted the skin on my back. Suddenly, she froze.
At first, I didn’t get what was going on. Then I saw Cam standing in the door. He stuttered an apology, but it was too late. Elin blushed bright red and shoved at my chest. She pushed me away, squirming to move from the desk. She mumbled about how it had been a bad idea and rushed from the room.
I rubbed my hands over my face. Sarcastically asked Cam if he didn’t knock.
“Man, I’m sorry. I didn’t even know you guys were … something!”
“That’s the problem. We’re not anything, really. We’ve been making out since the party. She doesn’t want anyone to know and every time I mention clarifying our relationship she blocks it.”
“What’s she so scared about?” Cam asked.
I sighed. It was Elin’s story not mine. But Cam was my best friend and I really needed someone to talk to. “Remember the story of how Jane and I escaped? Elin’s the girl who shot me.”
“From the labs? Wow, that’s a lot of baggage.”
“She got out moments before being … raped.”
It was still difficult to say, difficult to wrap my mind around what she’d been through. How horrible the things she’d seen must’ve been.
“You better be careful with her, you know.” He didn’t say it judgingly, but I knew the underlying message. Elin wasn’t to be played with. Not like the other women I had slept with.
“It’s not like it was with the others. I really like her. I want her happy.”
◆◆◆
I found Elin by the back doors, ready for patrol. For a moment I was overwhelmed with relief because at least she hadn’t run away. But she stayed quiet and avoided looking at me. I wasn’t going to start patrol like that. Not when she’d be even more reluctant to talk outside where people could possibly hear us.
“He’s not going to tell anyone. Thought you’d want that.” I couldn’t stop myself from stepping closer. “What’s on your mind?”
Elin frowned, then swallowed as if gathering the courage to speak. “Maybe we should just stop. People will find out and everybody will be watching us.”
I didn’t want to hear another word about us ending things. I did the only thing I could think of. I leaned in and kissed her hurriedly until we were a little breathless. Pulling back, I looked into her eyes. Pretty eyes.
“Now tell me; you still think this is bad? Can something that feels like this even be bad?”
She didn’t say anything, just swallowed hard and with the tiniest smile on her lips. It wasn’t much but it was enough.
When we went outside, we were overwhelmed with the full magnitude of the blizzard. Snow came up to knee height for me, except for the narrow trail the constant marching of the guards had created. At least the storm had died down and, except for a few flurries, there was no fresh snow falling.
Elin remained quiet and I racked my mind about how to confess that I told Cam
about her past. I knew trust was of utmost importance to her. If she got even the slightest idea I’d possibly betrayed her, I’d be in hot water.
“Hey, so I wanna be honest with you, remember that, ok?”
She looked at me, lips pursed in thought and waiting. It occurred to me that this might be the scariest situation I’d ever been in. I’d been held at gun point and been less afraid than I was then. She could end up hating me. There’d be nothing I could do about it.
“I told Cam about your escape. I just needed someone to know.”
She gasped, her face screwed up in anger. “Why would you need someone to know?” There it was. I pissed her off.
“Because I’m having nightmares about that day. About anything you’ve told me, in fact. Because I care about you. And while you have me to talk to, I don’t have anyone. I can’t exactly talk to you about how your past scares me, can I?”
Elin huffed. “If it bothers you that much, maybe I shouldn’t tell you about it.”
I refrained from rolling my eyes. “You know that’s not what I said. All I’m saying is, I care for you and because of that I can’t pretend that what you told me doesn’t upset me.”
“Right. This is just about you having such a soft and tender heart. Not about you being untrustworthy and spilling my secret to your friend. Is my story so interesting you just couldn’t keep it to yourself? Are you boasting about how you hooked up with the broken little girl who shot you? What’s next, are you moving on to a girl with a sadder and more interesting story?”
Oh now she was starting to piss me off, too.
“Would you just give me the benefit of the doubt here? I didn’t go and tell him about it, he walked in on us! Am I sorry it happened? I don’t know, not a whole lot. Because maybe talking about it might mean I won’t wake up from another nightmare where I watch them torture you. I care more than I’d like to admit, actually, and sometimes I get so incredibly angry at the world for what happened to you that I just need my best friend to know so I can talk to someone.”