by Sandra Bats
“You’re the only one who makes those scars the most important part of you. They’re not. You’re much more. You need to let the thought go that when someone looks at you —when I look at you — that all we see are the scars. They’re there and that’s it. I don’t spare them a second and I plan on telling you that you’re beautiful until you start believing it.”
Twenty-Three
Jayden
I spent a lot of time in town trying to locate Rowan. He’d killed my friend and nearly killed Elin. I was out for revenge. Not just that; I also knew Rowan was gaining power amongst the rebels. If he gained more support, things weren’t going to end well. Collateral damage was his specialty and before he’d manage to take down the government, I wasn’t sure there’d be people left to govern.
Jane had given Elin full medical clearance to get back to patrol duties a few days prior. Admittedly, I’d come to enjoy our quiet nights in and was reluctant to have her return to town. I wanted to keep her safe but she’d always be the type of woman to put herself in danger. I didn’t like it, but what could I do. She probably didn’t like me putting myself in danger either.
She was right by my side the evening we joined Josh and Pablo at the market in town. Josh and Pablo went off to one side, looking for rebels or other acquaintances Rowan might have. Elin and I did the same on the other side of the market.
It had always been hard to get in contact with the rebels. Basically, the way to go about it was to talk to the right people. Let them know you were interested in speaking with Rowan — or someone placed in their hierarchy. Then if you hit up the right people you might be deigned good enough to speak to them.
That day it didn’t seem to work out. The people we talked to — using code words the rebels used, so they knew we weren’t military — were of no help to us. It seemed the rebels had gone further into hiding lately. They surely weren’t to be found at the market that night. There was also no chatter about them being holed up anywhere.
We met back up with Pablo and Josh. They had no new information either. We did a final sweep of the market, then planned to head home.
The crowd separated as though they were flinching back from a sudden danger. Military guards passed through. I instantly recognized their navy blue uniforms. The same uniform I’d worn for six years; almost a third of my life.
They led a group of girls — their hands chained together, moving as a group — through the market. A prisoner transport. Most of them looked younger than me; starved and scared.
I whispered to the other three that we weren’t moving the slightest bit no matter what happened. Any interaction with the guards would result in instant execution. I turned towards Elin, worried about her reaction. She stared at them, blankly as if in shock. Josh tapped my shoulder. Gestured for me to look at the end of the group of prisoners. I felt the air rush from my lungs as I did.
The girl I stared at had short red hair. Green eyes. And a cold stare she directed at Elin. Pale skin, skinny and wiry; hatred etched into her features. I knew without question I was looking at Elin’s sister.
I more felt than saw Elin move to run towards the group. On pure instinct I wrapped my arm around her waist. My free hand covered her mouth. She bit me, but I didn’t let off. Took me three seconds to drag her down the next alley, thrashing and kicking. Josh and Pablo rushed to our side while Elin clawed at me.
I ordered them to wait for us by the pickup. I had to focus on Elin. She might’ve slipped away, and that would’ve been dangerous. Josh and Pablo took off. I used all my weight to pin Elin against the wall behind her. She fought back with all the furious strength she had and every cheap trick she knew. I wedged my leg between hers. If I’d given her the chance, she would’ve gladly taken any cheap blows and brought me to my knees. I moved my hand from her mouth to grab her wrists and stop her from punching me.
“Let me go!”
She was shouting and struggling enough that I worried we’d be seen.
“It’s Maddy! Let the fuck go! I need to free her!”
Each cry was wrenched from somewhere deep inside her in a furious sob. I leaned close to her and whispered that I was sorry but that I only did this to keep her safe. I told her I couldn’t let her go. All the while she fought.
I trusted we were safe from the military. They wouldn’t care about two people fighting in an alley. Most passersby would likely think I was taking advantage of a girl. Nobody cared about that around there.
Elin shoved against me, almost pushing me off balance. Her anger made her stronger than I’d expected. I had to let her wear herself out. Just needed to wait for the fight to leave her body. Nobody could uphold such an adrenaline-fueled rage for long.
Out of all the people to walk by, I had to meet the one with a conscience. I saw the young man approaching in the corner of my eyes. He was likely my age, similarly built. His voice was cautious but inquiring as he asked what was going on. I cursed under my breath and turned to look at him. Unfortunately, he didn’t believe the matter was none of his business when I told him so.
“I think you should let her go,” he repeated.
“Seriously, this isn’t what you think it is. I’m trying to make sure she’s safe.”
When I glanced back at Elin she was still pushing and shoving, but the fight was starting to leave her body.
“Doesn’t look like it. Let her go before I make you.”
Well, at least he had guts. I locked eyes with Elin. “Sweetheart, I know you’re angry. If you’d run to her, they’d have killed you. Now, I don’t want to knock the boy here unconscious because he tried doing the right thing. Please tell him I’m not intending to hurt you.”
She stared at me, then at him. He slowly approached us and I said her name, pleading with her to help me out. Finally, she looked at the boy and raised her chin in an annoyed gesture.
“He’s not trying to hurt me.”
The boy hesitated, wondering whether he could believe her.
“Pal, she knows one of the girls there. I couldn’t let her wreak havoc. That’s all there is to it.”
My tone was clipped. Demanding respect from years of being a guard. Pal though, a word often used in downtown slang, was supposed to appease him. With one last questioning look at Elin he asked whether she really was ok. She assured him curtly. Thankfully he walked off, leaving us to deal with our mess.
I looked back at Elin, who’d gone soft. Her eyes were wide and wet.
“It’s Maddy,” she sobbed without tears.
I cradled her close, just held her and brought my mouth close to her ear.
“I couldn’t let you run to her. I’m sorry. They would’ve killed you and her both. You can’t free her tonight.”
She gave me a numb stare and walked next to me in a haze when I led her towards the pickup. She huddled up in a corner of the back seat, staring out the window with the blinded eyes of grief. Josh threw me a glance in the rearview mirror. While he drove, he asked whether the girl had been a relative of Elin’s.
“Her sister,” I responded.
Pablo gasped, and Josh opened his mouth in compassion, but closed it again without saying anything.
Elin wasn’t crying. Just stared ahead and when I tried reaching for her she flinched away. I rested my hand close by her side in case she wanted to reach for it. She didn’t.
Once at home she climbed out of the pickup and I hurried after her. I didn’t know what I expected but she simply went to our room. Didn’t slam the door behind her or anything. Just silently walked inside, shrugged out of her jacket and shoes and sat on the couch.
I stood by the door for a moment, looking at her. Was she angry with me for having held her back? I’d understand if she was.
“Talk to me.” I slipped my jacket off as well. I moved over to the couch thinking of sitting next to her. She seemed so defensive that I sat on the corner of the bed instead.
“You didn’t let me get to her. I couldn’t even talk to her,” Elin uttered.
>
She stared at her hands in her lap. I couldn’t tell whether she was mad at me or just sad. I ran a hand through my hair and leaned forward to look at her.
“You couldn’t have done anything. There were too many MPs. You need to focus on the fact that now you know she’s alive. That’s all that counts.”
“She stared at me like she hates me. She must think I abandoned her.”
“She’ll understand once you explain it to her. Once we’ve freed her. I promise we will.”
It was a promise I shouldn’t have made. A promise I wasn’t sure I could keep. So much of it was up to fate. When Elin threw me a questioning look I repeated it. I promised again that we wouldn’t rest until she was reunited with Maddy.
Elin looked up, her eyes meeting mine for the first time since we’d gotten back. They bore into me. Her lips pressed together in anticipation after she asked where they were taking her sister. I averted my eyes. Told her I didn’t know.
Elin scoffed. “I didn’t think you were a liar, Jayden. I know you have a guess. Where are they taking her?”
She’d always seen through me. I opened my mouth and took another deep breath. I hated that I was going to deliver another blow to her psyche. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second — her staring at me was too difficult.
“Likely a brothel or a private party. They can earn additional money by selling the girls out.”
“What?” Elin jumped to her feet. She moved quickly, getting right up in my face. “You knew they’re making my sister a whore and you didn’t stop them?”
She shoved at my chest and I let her. I didn’t stop her when she hurled words at me as well. How it was my fault. How she hated me. How she never wanted to talk to me again. I let her go as she stormed out of the room without a second look.
I sat, shell-shocked for a moment or two. I’d saved our lives by holding her back. I was positive about that. Still, it didn’t fill that deep black hole of guilt in my chest.
If it had been Abby, I would’ve reacted no differently than Elin. Likely even worse. I’d have shot my way right to her. Willing to die if it could free Abby. I couldn’t know how much horror her past added to Elin’s imagination.
I wasn’t as self-depreciating as to believe the things Elin had said. It wasn’t my fault Maddy was being forced into prostitution. Or that we hadn’t freed her. It simply hadn’t been an option. It didn’t change the way Elin’s words cut through me, though. Or how much I wanted to make things right again.
◆◆◆
Cam was in the office. Josh and Pablo had filled him in when they signed us all back in. He asked how Elin was.
“Badly. Says she hates me for not letting her run to her sister.” Cam sighed sympathetically. “We’re going to get her out. I promised her,” I said.
Cam squeezed his eyes shut for a second and scratched his chin. He looked at me like he sometimes looked at Josh. Like I was a hotheaded teenager, rushing into danger. Admittedly, I was a hotheaded teenager. I held my hands up in appeasement.
“Don’t tell me it can’t be done. We’re not the only ones who ever escaped. Alex managed to get out. There must be others. Elin was the only one to escape from the labs, but if Maddy’s let outside, like today, we could get her out.”
Cam stared evenly as I went on.
“I have no choice. If it were Abby, I wouldn’t let anything stop me. I know Elin’s not going to stop and I can’t let her do this alone.”
“I already sent Josh and Pablo back. They’re supposed to see what intel they can get on the transport and what happens to the girls. We can work from there,” Cam said.
That was why Cam was my best friend and second-in-command. Because he understood the importance of such things. He knew exactly what I needed to have done. Despite all the grimness and hopelessness, he knew to trust that the impossible was possible.
“Thank you!”
Cam watched me carefully before he spoke again. “Promise you’ll be careful. Don’t get carried away just because this is about Elin’s sister. Make sure your feelings for Elin don’t put you in a position where you’re making rash decisions because of them.”
I waved him off, but he raised an eyebrow.
“You nearly lost her last month. Do you really want me to believe that hasn’t changed you? That you’ll always be thinking clearly, even if she’s in some sort of trouble?”
I ground my teeth. Begrudgingly, I had to admit what Cam already seemed to know.
“No, I can’t. If she’s in danger … I love her.”
There it was. I hadn’t even admitted those words to myself yet.
“Does she know?” Cam asked.
“I didn’t say the words yet. She’s not ready to hear them I think. Not sure I’m ready to say them, either. Well, maybe I am. I don’t want to scare her.”
Cam chuckled and called me whipped before growing serious again. “You seem better with her, like you’re not trying so hard but are actually truly happy. Jane noticed too. Don’t get overwhelmed by that though. You know we tend to do stupid things for those we care about. Ask for help when you and Elin can’t fix this alone. We’re your friends, yeah?
I swallowed against the lingering lump in my throat. Eventually I managed to make my thank you sound like I’d expected Cam’s offer. Like I wasn’t sometimes surprised at how good a friend he was.
I was saved from saying anything more when Jonah knocked on the door.
“Brady sent me. He’s doing patrol out back and well … you should come take a look. It’s about Elin. Something’s not right with her.”
I shot out of my seat. That’s how much of a whipped idiot I was. Jonah clarified at my question.
“She seems alright health-wise. She’s just … off. And since … well, we heard what happened in town so … she’s close to you and I think she needs a friend.”
Right. All they knew was that Elin and I were friends. Not that whole other truckload of things that had gone down between us. Cam and I followed Jonah towards the back.
When we stepped outside, I could make out Elin in the dark, right where we’d practiced shooting once. Which seemed to be exactly what she was up to. Shooting at cans or maybe trees. At least at some almost invisible target in the night. She also hadn’t bothered putting on a jacket. Or shoes. Now, I understood what Jonah meant by her seeming “off”. Close to a mental breakdown.
I glanced at Cam. “Can we have a few moments of privacy?”
He trudged over to the guards on duty. Jonah followed him, and I walked a little closer to her. The snow crunched under my boots before the next echoing shot tuned out every other sound.
“Elin!”
I called out between shots and she stiffened. She shot again, and I walked closer, hovering behind her. I was close enough I could’ve reached out and touched her shoulder. When she stopped to reload I uttered her name again. She didn’t respond but shifted her stance. I knew she was listening, so it was now or never.
“It was a long day. How about you put the gun down and we talk? Let everything sink in?”
She finished reloading, pushing the magazine back into the gun. “I don’t need to let it sink in. I’m not insane or losing it. I just need to practice so I can get Maddy out.”
There was no point in practicing target shooting at night. No amount of bullets would free Maddy. Only a solid, slept-on plan could do that. Elin emptied another magazine into the dark.
When she was done I stepped in front of her. I trusted her not to hurt me. Still, I stayed a little off to the side because stepping in front of a gun wasn’t a smart idea. I couldn’t do much about shaking the uneasy feeling I had when she lifted the reloaded gun again. It was aimed at something behind me. Muzzle right beside my ear. Against all my training I raised my hand and placed it on top of the gun. I felt it tremble in her fingers. It occurred to me that she might truly hate me like she’d said. She could’ve easily hurt me.
“Elin, I know you feel like you have an obligation to keep pr
acticing, but you can stop.”
Maybe she felt so pushed to not rest that she needed someone to tell her what to do. Maybe her being overwhelmed made it hard for her to decide which voices to listen to.
“Come on. It’s not your decision anymore. Put the gun down. It’s an order.”
She wavered. I could see it in her eyes.
I used her hesitation to slip the safety catch back into place. She stared at me. I whispered that she’d done all she could tonight. That it was time to let it go for now. I promised she could relax and put the gun down because we’d be doing everything to get her sister back. I promised she wouldn’t have to do it alone.
She let go of the gun and I took it from her. Tucked it into the waistband of my jeans after making sure the chamber was empty.
Elin’s vision was unfocused. I wasn’t sure she was fully aware of her surroundings. Her lips were blue-ish and her teeth chattered. She didn’t move, even when I coaxed her inside. This didn’t seem like a normal panic attack. This was a nightmare.
I took her hand. Led her inside, straight to the locker room. I hoped a warm shower might prevent her from getting hypothermia. Inside I knelt down in front of her and touched her feet. They were cold as ice. I tried massaging some warmth back into them. That didn’t really do much to help, so I took her hand. Apathetically, she followed me to the showers. She was still shivering like crazy.
I let the water turn warm, meanwhile carefully peeling her shirt and bra off her body. I rid her of her pants as well but knew not to touch her underwear. I made sure to not cross any boundaries we’d yet left unestablished. I slipped out of my clothes as well, stacking the gun on top of them. The water had finally heated up a little. I carefully pulled her under the spray.
For a while I just held her. She leaned into me out of her own free will so wrapping my arms around her had been second nature. Even when her skin had warmed she kept shivering. She’d never felt that delicate in my arms before.
Her green eyes appeared as though they were suspended in water. I didn’t know what undid her, but she started sobbing violently. I cradled her close, hugged her to my chest and hoped to whisper helpful words.