by Sandra Bats
When Jane caught on to Jayden carrying Abby inside, she sprinted ahead of us. I hoped she cleared the hallway to spare others the sight. Maybe the lack of anywhere else to go drove Jayden to Jane’s office. Maybe it was the hope of healing something irreparably broken. It was where they always prepared their corpses for burial and perhaps that was why Jayden did it as well. Not once did he acknowledge Jane. When he asked for a cloth to wipe Abby’s face clean he directed his question at me and I waited for Jane to hand me a towel.
He only looked up once he was done. He’d wiped as much of the grime and blood off her face as he could. Abby’s body was wrapped in a white clean sheet, but he had left her face uncovered, his hands shaking as he gently pulled the fabric over her features.
“I don’t know…. What next?” he asked, his voice shaking, wiping his hands on his clothes. I could barely stand the lost look on his face.
“How about we get you cleaned up? We’ll only be gone for a moment,” I suggested softly, and Jayden nodded. I wasn’t sure if it was in response to my suggestion or Jane promising to stay by Abby’s side — maybe both.
I accompanied Jayden to the showers, on the way grabbing a set of clean clothes from our room, then locked the door, making sure nobody would disturb us. He walked under the shower head, still fully clothed. The water instantly turned red and at first Jayden made no move to strip out of his clothes. Only when I took mine off and joined him, did he start to remove his. He was shivering despite the warmth of the water, and I wrapped my arms around him, holding him for a while, before I gently shampooed his hair. I wanted to protect him, to keep him from feeling the clots of Abby’s blood and brain that clung to his hair. Jayden’s shoulders were slumped, and his eyes tightly closed.
He didn’t speak, but he stopped shaking eventually and at least moved to dry himself when I turned the water off and handed him a towel. We put on fresh sets of clothes in complete silence. I waited for him to say something, or to start crying, or even just to make any sound for that matter. Instead, he turned and walked towards the door.
“I need to go bury her.”
His voice was the sound of hopeless resignation. The door slammed closed behind him, cutting through the eerie silence in the room.
◆◆◆
I found Jayden outside a while later, close to Chris’ grave, already digging another one. Cam walked up beside me.
“You heard?” I asked.
Cam glanced at Jayden, a worried look on his face. “Everyone has by now. How’s he holding up?”
I shook my head and exhaled a heavy breath. “Bad. Like you’d expect, I guess. He’s barely spoken a handful of words since it happened. He seemed completely out of it when he showered. It’s like he’s not even really here and I don’t know what he needs me to do to help him. He’s just blindly focused on burying her.”
“Well, the others will be ready for the funeral whenever he wants to have it. If it’s what he needs, they’ll be out here within the hour. I’ll see if he needs a hand with the grave.”
I watched as Cam started to help dig, although Jayden didn’t acknowledge that someone had joined him. After a few minutes of watching them wordlessly dig in the soft spring mud, I went inside to Jane’s office.
When I walked in, she looked up with sorrow written all over her face.
“How’s he doing?” she asked, and I told her what I’d told Cam.
“I’m … I’m so sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I never thought she could react like this, it never occurred to me to wait for someone to be with her when I told her.”
I patted Jane’s back. Jayden had once told me that often human reactions weren’t exactly predictable for Jane. Her mind was too ordered, too logical. Killing oneself often was incomprehensible even to the most understanding people. I could only imagine how it must’ve felt for Jane, who always strived to preserve life in her work.
“You couldn’t have seen it coming,” I tried consoling her, but she dryly responded that she wasn’t sure Jayden would share my opinion on that. I sighed.
“He’ll need time. When he takes his anger out on you, you need to remember that this is his only way of coping. I think he knows that Abby was lost before you even told her about the pregnancy. It was just the last straw. She was so depressed, doomed already. Jayden knows that somewhere in his heart.”
That moment, Jayden burst into the room, looking directly at me when he told me he was ready. Jane and I followed him down the hall leaving a little distance between him and us. He carried Abby’s covered body and I wasn’t surprised that nearly everybody was waiting for us outside. No one had known Abby too well; they were there for Jayden.
Jayden lowered his sister into the ground then he looked up, seemingly searching for words he felt he was supposed to speak, but couldn’t grasp. People watched him, lots of them cried, while others looked on sympathetically. The fact that Abby hadn’t seen another way out of her misery probably hit home with a lot of them. I met Maddy’s eyes, glistening with tears, and even she looked upon Jayden with compassion. When he still wouldn’t speak, Cam stepped forward, gave him a brief pat on the shoulder and took his best friend’s position.
“We’ve gathered here today to bid our farewell to Abigail Maria Quinn. She left our world too soon and too tragically. Let us remember her as someone brave, who regrettably couldn’t outrun the nightmares of her tragic past. Let us honor her by keeping in mind that our pasts shouldn’t define who we are, but instead use them to shape us into the people we want to be. Rest in peace, Abby.”
The group joined Cam in wishing her a peaceful rest and then they stepped forward one by one, shoveling dirt onto her body. Some walked by Jayden, offering him hugs and kind words, or a pat on the back. When everyone had left, Cam, Jane and I remained by his side. Jane stepped forward to hug Jayden. He flinched back and she froze.
“Jayden, I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can do …”
For the first time, Jayden lifted his head and looked at her.
“I think you’ve done enough.”
Jane almost flinched back, then dropped her head in understanding and retreated inside. Camden helped to fully cover the grave and when they were done, Jayden wandered off towards the forest. I moved to follow him, but Cam grabbed my arm.
“I’d let him go. I think he just needs some time. If you follow him now he’ll only lash out and regret it later.”
I knew he was right, but it was hard to watch Jayden go while I sat on the bleachers out back, waiting for his return.
◆◆◆
It was almost two hours later when Jayden emerged from the forest. He adjusted his path when he saw me. He came closer and sat beside me, reaching for my hand.
“Is there anything I can do? Anything at all to make it hurt less?” I asked, despite knowing how clumsy and futile my words were. Jayden humorlessly chuckled at them.
“Nah. I just … I needed time to process is all, you know. To think about her and what she said before she did it. About how I can’t understand it because I’ve never felt so desperate. About how she said we had a future she couldn’t have. I guess she’s right. We should live. Life’s short and all that jazz.”
There was a sudden shift in him, he straightened up and looked at me, his face transformed with new energy. “I need to ask you something.”
His voice was shaky, and I met his eyes, waiting for him to go on. For a moment he seemed unsure, as if he were going to change his mind, but then he took a steadying breath.
“I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of losing you and I want to change that. I know this might come as a shock to you considering we’ve only been together a few months, I just … Abby was right. We’re stronger because we have each other and I never needed you this much before. I need to know … I was wondering … will you marry me?”
I stared at him, dumbfounded. He looked so scared, so honest and vulnerable.
“Jayden, I don’t know what to say,” I started carefull
y. “I don’t think you should be making any life-changing decisions right now.”
His face fell, and he dropped his eyes to his feet. “It’s ok. I understand. It’s too early and you think this is because of Abby. I get that. I’ll …”
He stood, but even as he turned his face away, I could read the vulnerability in his posture, the shock of it all. I hoped he wasn’t rushing into anything because of that day’s events, worried my reaction might make things worse. Maybe he just wanted to know if I could imagine growing old with him. And I could. Besides, getting engaged didn’t mean we had to get married right away. Things could still settle down between now and then. I reached for his hand and pulled him around to face me.
“I didn’t say no. I wanted to know if you’re sure. Ask me again,” I whispered.
Tenderness replaced hurt in his eyes and he even got down on one knee in front of me, still holding my hand in his, and despite knowing how rushed it all was, my stomach fluttered as his eyes locked on mine.
“Elin Danes, I love you with all my heart. I can’t imagine a future without you and I can’t remember who I was before you. I beg you, please, marry me.”
I brushed my hand over his cheek and responded with a choked voice that yes, I’d marry him.
He cradled me closer, lifted me up to sit down with me on his lap and I felt his breath on my neck as a sigh of relief. I wanted to marry him, yes. Someday. I never thought it would happen like that. I never thought that when he’d ask me, our happiness would be overshadowed by death and fear of loss. I faked a smile as I wondered how much of today’s incident had factored into his decision to propose and whether he’d regret it later on.
That night, I lay awake and listened to Jayden’s breathing. I worried whether I’d done the right thing. It had taken him forever to fall asleep. I couldn’t help thinking about how it might be better for him to focus on grieving for his sister.
Maybe we were rushing and for the wrong reasons, but that didn’t mean that it wouldn’t have happened eventually, anyway. The idea of growing old with Jayden had stopped sounding crazy back when he’d predicted it so many months before. In the end, a yes had felt to me like the only viable option.
Thirty-Seven
Elin
I woke sweating and on the verge of panic. That time, my nightmare hadn’t consisted of strange horrors, but the very real recollection of Abby’s suicide. I steadied my breath, then noticed the odd silence in the room.
I reached over to Jayden’s side of the bed but only grasped cold sheets. When I flicked the light on I noticed his boots were missing. I immediately went to search for him, roamed the hallways, but my short second of relief upon seeing light shining under his office door was shattered when I only found Cam inside.
“He must’ve left a couple hours ago. His name was already on the board when I got here,” he told me apologetically. “I wouldn’t worry too much. He’s probably just trying to clear his mind somehow.”
I grimaced, knowing full well there was no way I couldn’t worry about Jayden, especially when he’d taken off to who knew where in the middle of the night.
“Oh, come on, what’s on your mind?” Cam asked.
I blew out a heavy breath and almost told him that it was nothing because he was Jayden’s best friend and it should’ve been him relaying the news, but I needed advice.
“Earlier tonight Jayden … umm … he proposed to me.”
Cam leaned forward on his chair, no longer tipping it back on two legs and whistled through his teeth. “Whoa. And?”
I shrugged. “I said yes. Of course I did, how could I not? His sister just died! It’s just that, with him gone now, I wonder if he maybe just asked because … I don’t know.”
“If he just asked because of today?” Cam finished my sentence. “Well of course he asked because of what happened today. That doesn’t mean he asked for the wrong reasons. He’s crazy about you and that’s a good enough reason to get married, in my opinion. So even if he asked because of today, because he’s lost and scared, he still asked because he loves you.”
I’d been trying to tell myself the same thing, but it felt better coming from someone else, someone who knew Jayden so well, and I relaxed enough to feel how tired I was. Cam encouraged me to go back to bed, as he was going to stay up waiting for Jayden anyway.
“Congratulations, by the way. On the engagement.” He grinned and I thanked him before quickly closing the door behind me.
I couldn’t sleep so I was awake when Jayden returned a good three hours later and more or less gracefully stumbled towards the bed. I turned the light on and he stopped dead in his tracks, looking caught. He stared at me from the middle of the room, his gaze unsteady, and a shiner forming near his right eye. I rushed from the bed, but he flinched away when I tried touching his face.
“What happened?” I asked.
“Got in a fight. ’s not as bad as it looks,” he slurred and then flopped down on his side of the bed.
“Are you drunk?”
He chuckled dryly. “Yeah. Was the only thin’ lettin’ me forget today. Now turn the lights off. I’m tired.”
I stared at him in shock. He closed his eyes and fell asleep instantly. It didn’t help me fall asleep at all. I sat by his side and listened to him snore in his intoxicated slumber. I cried silently, worrying about him, about why he’d gone into town instead of coming to me.
I hated that I hadn’t been enough to help him. That I had to wait for tomorrow to ask him again what I could do for him. I lay back down and reached for his hand, but instead of pulling me closer in his sleep, like he so often did, he pulled away from my touch. He was asleep. I shouldn’t have read anything into it, but I felt a stab of excruciating sadness as I cried myself to sleep.
◆◆◆
I’d been working in the atrium for two hours when I saw Jayden sitting in the cafeteria, munching on some bread. He hadn’t spared a second to wish me a good morning when he surely had passed by the atrium to get to the cafeteria. Scowling, I walked inside and sat down at his table.
“Good morning.”
“Morning,” he responded curtly without looking up from his plate.
“What happened to your eye?” I asked, the purple shiner stood out starkly against his skin when he finally looked up at me.
“As I said last night, I got in a fight. It was nothing bad.”
“About what?” I pushed, though I should’ve let it go, but my patience was slipping.
“Just a drunken bar fight. Can’t you just leave it be?”
He got up from the table, leaving me behind and I was too stunned to look up when someone else dropped into Jayden’s chair. Well, that was until Alex’s sneering voice called me back to reality.
“Did the boyfriend grow tired of you already?”
“Oh, just shove it,” I groaned, getting to my feet, ready to rush away from him but Alex grabbed my wrist hard enough to make me yelp in pain.
“Not so fast. You might get cold at night now.”
I scoffed, disgusted, and tried to pull my arm from his grasp as the room fell quiet just before Jayden’s voice thundered through it.
“Alex! Take your hands off my fiancée.”
My arm dropped to my side, but before I dared to feel relief, Jayden walked by me, unrestrained anger in his eyes. Alex gave me a sly once over.
“Well, I’ll be sure to get off her eventually.”
There was no holding Jayden back as he moved forward in a blur and knocked Alex into the next table. He didn’t pause, didn’t hesitate for a second before he threw punches. I’d never seen him so out of control. He didn’t let up until Josh and Jonah dauntlessly jumped between them and held them back. A snicker escaped Alex’s bloodied face.
“Oh how come you’re so touchy today?” he mocked.
“Alex, shut up! I’m not going to pull you apart a second time. I don’t think anybody cares about you getting beat up anymore anyway,” Josh spat, his hold on Jayden tight as a vise.
Alex shot Jayden another arrogant glance but left the hall. Josh let go of Jayden who trotted off without another word.
“Thanks guys,” I muttered towards Josh and Jonah, but they waved it off.
“Don’t worry. You should get ice for your wrist, though,” Josh pointed at the red marks on my skin. “And congrats on the engagement thing. That’ll spread like wildfire in here.”
I smiled, though I didn’t exactly feel like it was a cause of celebration anymore.
After getting a cold-pack from Jane — she still felt horrible about what had happened and who could blame her, especially with how Jayden was behaving — I went to the office. Jayden looked up at me when I entered, his eyebrows drawn together.
“What?” he asked defensively before I had the chance to speak.
“Yes, thanks for asking, my wrist is ok,” I muttered under my breath and that made his anger flare up again, as he snarled about inflicting never-ending pain on Alex. I told him to not let Alex get to him because that was exactly what Alex wanted.
“I’m supposed to not let him get to me? He keeps touching and threatening you! Are you suggesting I should let him? Is that what you want?” Angrily, he swept a few pens off his desk and I sighed.
“No, but you’re giving him what he wants if you get so upset. You shouted out to the whole cafeteria that I was your fiancée, as if it were some claim you had over me that should’ve scared him off. It wasn’t how I envisioned people finding out about our engagement.”
Hurt crossed his face and then he scoffed. “Right. Or do you mean not having them find out at all? I’m sick and tired of constantly having to fight for every baby step in this relationship. Maybe he’s right and you enjoy this. The attention, and you’re worried you won’t get it now that we’re engaged.”
I gasped at his harsh words. I grew angry as well. I could deal with a lot of his misplaced anger because he was hurting but that was too much. There was no excuse for it.