Megan rose to leave with her and looked back at Rachel, her face red with embarrassment.
Creeeak.
“Rachel!” Dylan barked from the front room.
She bolted from her chair, what was he doing there? Lana and Megan looked to her and made their way to leave, but Dylan already stood in the doorway, his tall frame and dark suit blocking their exit.
“Ladies,” he greeted them kindly, “How are you this morning?”
“We’re just dandy, tall, dark and handsome,” Lana purred, a huge smile across her face, and then nodding toward Megan, “We’re just harassin’ Rachel about finding a car for our girl here.”
“A car, huh?” he asked as he walked into the office, “I tell you what, give me ten minutes alone with Ms. Beauchamp and when I’m done I’ll give you a car. You can pick it up this afternoon.”
“Ms. Daniels,” Jake said from the door, “Come on, Lana, let’s give the man ten minutes alone with Ms. Daniels.”
“Absolutely,” Lana said, grinning from ear to ear, “Give the man his ten minutes, Rachel, and then he can come talk to me about a car.”
Jake ushered Lana and Megan out of Rachel’s office, then stood holding the door handle as he narrowed his eyes at Dylan and said, “Keep it down in here, kids.”
He shut the door quietly and left them alone.
“Dylan,” Rachel began, “You can’t just give her a car!”
“I just did,” he said, closing the distance between them.
She stumbled back in her chair, his hands went to the armrests and he leaned down to look into her face, “Why haven’t I heard from you?”
"Dylan, what if somebody sees you?"
"I don’t care, I had to see you."
He pulled her from her chair, guiding her forcefully to the door where he reached down and locked it. He was irresistible, any good sense she should have had in telling him to leave fled when he flashed her that wicked smile and pressed her against the wall.
"Dylan -"
"Hmmmm?" he murmured, his mouth already on her neck, his hands running over her body.
"Dylan, this is a bad idea, we've got to do this the right way."
But her body said this was the right way, she melted into him and reached to pull him in closer. He looked at her, his eyes ravenous and frustrated.
"No, you're right," he said reaching for her hands and stepping back, "Let's do it the right way. I'm sorry. I just had to come and see you. I needed to look into your face and hear you tell me you hadn't changed your mind."
She moved to him and raised up on her toes.
"Kiss me," she demanded.
He kissed her quickly on the mouth and pulled back to see her.
"I haven't changed my mind. But this was reckless. I've got to protect Hunter and Lauren."
Pain washed over his face as he frowned down at her.
"You're right. I'm sorry."
"I love you," she said reaching up to touch his face, “But I need more time, okay?”
She walked back to her desk and watched him as he reached up to lace his fingers on top of his head.
“Rachel- I need you.”
Her hands shook but she steadied her breathing and looked him in the eyes, “I have to protect my kids.”
"I swear to you, Rachel, I will love your children like my own. I will give them everything, I will keep them safe and protect them, I will go to fucking co-parenting classes with their dad, I will do whatever I have to if it means they will be happy and we can be together. It's our turn. Look at me and tell me you don't know that."
"I do know it," she said, "But it's more complicated than that."
"No shit, Rachel, the circumstances are complicated, your mom and her bullshit and you being married, and you always fucking running away and never wanting to deal with what's right in front of you? Michael laying in the hospital waiting for us to pull the plug so he can die? Yeah, that's all complicated. But everything between us," he said pointing from himself to her and back, "all of this is pure and simple, this is as basic as it fucking gets. There's nothing complicated about you and me, puss. I love you. I have always fucking loved you."
"You're right," she finally conceded, "It doesn't have to be as complicated as I always make it out to be. I don't know how not to make things complicated. I just don't know what to do next."
“Leave him. Come home with me.”
He stood brooding, his arms crossed as he watched her. She wanted to leave with him, right then. But it was best to sit Kenneth down after Lauren's birthday, after the gala, then they could talk about the divorce. The holidays were around the corner, but it wouldn't have been fair to any of them to fake it for that long.
It was time to let the healing begin, time for both of them to move on and make themselves happy.
"Dylan, I've just got to wait, Lauren's birthday is today, I have to think of my kids. And if I leave my husband of twelve years for my high school boyfriend weeks before the biggest event of the year, think about how that might affect my organization. Do you think those snotty wallets are going to open for the skinny slut sleeping with her ex-boyfriend?"
He uncrossed his arms and turned to the door to leave, "So after the gala then?"
"After the gala."
***
He ran a hand over the bulge in his pants and rubbed away the erection still threatening his resolve to be respectful in her office. He hadn't meant to get so worked up. He wasn't angry, but he was dying without her there to hold him. He had to tell her what he was thinking.
The lawyer in him had gone to work, waiting for her argument so he could rip it apart and make her see it his way, convince her he was right. But she hadn’t argued. She’d said she would leave after the gala.
Her parent's divorce had scarred her, Dylan knew that. He would have to give her the time to feel safe. She was worried for her children, he understood, and he'd do whatever he could to protect them, too. They were a part of her.
She was right, it was irresponsible for him to have come there. But he hadn't slept and couldn't stop thinking about her, he had to see her before he went into that meeting, one last reminder that the world wasn't coming to an end, that he had something else waiting for him after Michael left. After Michael died.
He walked from Rachel’s office and found the old woman waiting for him, grateful to be rid of Michael’s car, one last reminder he wouldn’t have to worry about.
“You ready?” he asked Lana, “Let’s go get your friend a car.”
***
They had pizza and spaghetti for dinner, Lauren's favorites, and she and Kenneth did their best to appear in good spirits while they sang Happy Birthday and watched Lauren and Hunter scarf down cake and ice cream.
They hadn't spoken in weeks except to work out the logistics of picking up he and Hunter's tuxedos for the gala, and to agree that the kids could leave early with Kenneth's parents. It wasn't often they were able to make it down from Dallas to visit, and they'd wanted the kids to spend the night in their hotel, they were taking them to the Texans game the day after- an afternoon of football and cotton candy.
Lauren opened her gifts excitedly, Rachel gave her the tiara and Kenneth gave her a jewelry box with a bracelet that said, "Daddy's Little Girl."
Rachel's heart swelled at his gift to their little girl, and she fought tears as she watched him hug her a little more tightly than usual. Hunter made her a card and gave her a nice quartz rock from his collection.
It was tense between she and Kenneth, but they pulled it together for the kids and it made her feel good to know it was possible.
"I'm going to bed," Kenneth said as soon as the kids were tucked in.
Rachel poured a glass of wine and walked out to the porch, sorrowful, thinking of the days dwindling away, knowing it wouldn't be long before it was over and they had to tell Hunter and Lauren.
Lauren probably wouldn't remember it, she was still young enough. But Hunter would never forget, and it rocked her to th
ink of his eight year old self dealing with hearing that his family was breaking up.
She'd been eighteen when it happened to her, and it tore a hole in her that she'd never been able to repair.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
A little over a week before the gala, and Rachel finally made an appointment with Hillary to do something about her hair. She watched her stylist in the mirror as she lifted small sections to examine the damage.
"That bad, huh?"
"Rachel, sweetie, you have to stop doing this," Hillary said, "You only come in twice a year and your hair is so dry and damaged. I'm gonna go get some color mixed in the back."
"Hey Hillary, let's go dark this time, okay? No highlights, I want something more dramatic."
"Dramatic, huh? Absofuckinglutely. Let's do it!"
Savannah had always hated Rachel's plain brown hair, she'd encouraged her to start highlighting it in her teens, wanting to lighten it up like her own. Rachel never argued, her mother had known more about style and the trends, it just wasn't something she'd cared about. But if her mother had the audacity to show up next weekend, Rachel wanted to make a statement.
She was done being told, "You're doing it wrong."
Hillary took off for the back and she flipped through a decade old hairstyle book, eavesdropping on another stylist and her client who sat gossiping in the next chair.
"No, I think she's waiting for him to leave her," the client said excitedly.
"Yeah, but he's been promising to leave her for over a year, and where is he right now? Probably having lunch with his wife or flying kites with his kids. The girl's an idiot if she thinks that man is going to leave his family to be with her, and his wife is a fool for not seeing what's going on behind her back," the stylist said animatedly, waving her scissors and comb around the girl's head.
Rachel hadn't wanted to make a fool out of Kenneth, but listening to the girls next to her go on and on about their scandalous friend, she realized that's exactly what she was setting herself up to do.
Kenneth deserved better than that. She couldn't go any longer without telling him she wanted out. She'd have to do it soon, tonight even. And if ReachingOut suffered as a result, she'd just cross that bridge when she came to it.
Her happiness needed to be a priority, too.
***
Hunter refused to give her a kiss when she picked him up, eight year old boys are a lot less compliant than three year old girls when it comes to public displays of motherly affection.
"Give me some sugar, handsome boy, I missed you today," Rachel demanded leaning over the console as he climbed into the front passenger seat.
For all her worrying over the infinite number of horrible things that could possibly happen to her children, she hadn't thought twice about allowing Hunter to ride in the front seat as soon as he'd been old enough. Sarah made her kids ride in boosters in the backseat until they were twelve. Maybe Rachel wasn't as overly obsessed with their welfare as she'd thought.
"Mom!" he begged, "God, can't it wait until we get home? I missed you, too, geez."
He strapped himself in and she relented, instead reaching over to tousle his hair and squeeze his hand where she knew his little friends wouldn't witness it.
"How was your day, bud?"
"It was alright, but Mom, you know that boy who got hurt at the football game and the helicopter came and picked him up, did you know that he's going to die?"
"Where did you hear that?"
"Ethan's mom told him that Daddy couldn't save him and that he's on a machine, but they're going to unplug it," Hunter rushed, his face a maze of emotions.
She turned to watch the road, hoping he hadn't sensed the anger she felt over her children being brought into adult conversations. It was her job to expose her children to these subjects in a safe and healthy way, and now she'd missed her window.
Another consequence of procrastinating and putting off things that made her anxious.
"Yes, buddy, I did know. Daddy tried really hard to do everything he could to help him, but sometimes no matter how much we want to make everything better, sometimes we don't have the tools or the power to fix what's broken. And I'm sorry you had to hear about it from Ethan, do you have any questions you would like to ask me about it?"
"Well, why is he going to die?"
"Your dad died!" Lauren interjected, eager to have a place in the conversation and still too young to understand the concept of death.
All she'd known of death were the stories she'd heard about Rachel's father, about the house and his leaving it for them before he went to Heaven. That, and what she knew about the neighbor's cat getting run over a few months earlier, which had ended in an epic toddler meltdown.
"Yes, Lauren, my dad died and went to Heaven," Rachel said with as much normalcy as she could manage before returning to Hunter and the confusion he must be feeling over adult topics being discussed in the school yard.
She should have prepared for this.
"His body just wasn't strong enough, bud, and his brain isn't working anymore. Sometimes our bodies don't always know how to fix themselves, and that little boy," she slowed to stop from choking up, and wiped the tears making their way down her face.
Rachel renewed her strength so her kids wouldn't feel afraid or worry about why their mother was so affected, "Michael is that boy's name, and Michael was just too hurt, bud, so his body can't fix him. So he's going to go to Heaven soon."
Hunter took in everything she'd said and he turned to look out at the trees passing by the window, silent. She'd never been churchy, they hadn't given their kids a lot of religion because they weren't really believers themselves. But she understood that children needed to feel safe, to feel like there was a power greater than themselves that could protect them and give them comfort. And she didn't have any other answers.
"Do you have any other questions about it, Hunter? It's okay to have questions and to feel confused or sad about it."
"Well, I mean," he stammered, turning to look at her again as she drove towards their home, the home she would soon destroy in order to start her life over again, and then he asked, "but what if Michael isn't ready to go to Heaven? Won't he miss his mom and dad?"
***
She’d worked all day to gather her courage, a Saturday spent cleaning the house and playing tea party with Lauren. She wanted Dylan. And she wanted Kenneth to smile again, to be happy. Even if that meant his being with someone else, there was somebody out there who could be for Kenneth what he needed them to be.
He deserved to be loved in that surreal and nameless way, it wasn't any fairer for him to settle than it was for her. It had been more than two weeks since she’d seen Dylan, she wouldn’t wait any longer.
She waited in the kitchen for him after the kids had fallen asleep, he finally came in from work and walked quietly to the fridge, pulling out something to drink.
“I need to say this and I don't want to argue or fight,” she told Kenneth, “I want a divorce.”
She sat shaking in her chair, watching her pen draw nervously on the paper as she waited for him to say something, but he hadn't. She forced herself to look up at him, and he took a long pull from the soda bottle, watching her from the fridge.
“I want you to stay here as long as you need to, until we figure out the details,” she continued, “And I won’t ask you for anything. I want you to have the kids as often as you want, we need to make it an easy transition for Hunter and Lauren. I want to tell them together.”
He reached into the fridge and set the soda on the shelf, searching for something else so he wouldn’t have to look at her.
“Kenneth, say something.”
"I thought you said you didn't want to argue or fight," he said, "What else is there to say?"
He left with his apple then, walked quietly down the hall to his room and shut the door, leaving her to her shaking pen and her fear that she'd handled it the wrong way.
Her cell rang and she stood to dig it ou
t of her purse.
“Did you hear?” Sarah asked, “They took him off the life support.”
“I’ll call you back.”
Rachel hung up, staring at the bottle of unopened wine. She grabbed her purse and flew out the door.
***
The doorman let her upstairs and she banged on the apartment door, wishing she’d changed before she came, she was still wearing the strapless summer dress she’d worn around the house all day.
The radio blared inside, it took ages for him to come to the door. Dylan threw the door open, bare chested, his hair hanging limply around his face. He held a glass in his free hand, and stood unblinking as he stared at her.
"Well, if it isn't the girl who ruined my life,” he laughed, “Come on in, Rachel, I'm having a party!"
"Dylan, are you alright?" she asked, stepping inside hesitantly.
She set her purse on the table and followed him into the living room, it was cluttered with beer bottles.
“Dylan, I’m sorry about Michael.”
“No!” he yelled, “You don’t get to talk to me about Michael!”
She reached nervously for the rubberband on her wrist, popping it several times and then reaching to pull her hair into a ponytail. She had no reason to be nervous, this was Dylan. He wouldn't hurt her.
He set his bottle down next to the chair and walked towards her.
"Stop!" he yelled, "Don't do that! You're not allowed to come in here, dressed in that, and tease me all seductively, reaching up to let your hair fall down or whatever you're doing."
She wanted to support him, but he was drunk, she turned to leave, "You're drunk. We'll talk tomorrow."
"Oh no, no, no," he said, reaching quickly for her arm to stop her, "I am drunk, but you’re the one who showed up, so let's talk, Rachel, come in here and sit with me."
"Dylan, let's not do this when you’ve been drinking, please. I'm tired, I only wanted to see if you were okay."
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