by Bec Botefuhr
He nods.
“Are you ok daddy, do you want me to drive?”
He laughs quietly. “No angel, thanks.”
“Does Jack know what happened?”
“He does, I called him.”
“And Lilly is ok?”
“She is fine, they haven’t had any issues.”
I nod, relief floods me. I lean back against the seat and try hard to close my eyes again, but the pain is worsening. I sit back up and lean forward; this isn’t right.
“Angel…” Mack says again.
“I…am in pain daddy, can you pull over?”
He does, swiftly. We are on a dark road; it is quiet and dead. I open the door and get out, then fall to my knees. The pain shoots through my stomach, and I wail. Mack is by my side in seconds, and the car door opens beside him. Jax gets out and leans down, still blinking the sleep from his eyes.
“Hey, what is going on? You sick?”
“She is in pain.” Mack says, stroking my hair.
“Where baby?” Jax asks.
“My…stomach.”
I watch the two exchange glances. “How bad?”
“It’s bad,” I wail. “I feel like I am in labor.”
Jax pales. “But…you are only half way.”
“I think we need to get to a hospital.”
“No, they will be looking for us.” I whisper, gripping my stomach.
“We need to risk that.” Mack says, standing.
“How far off are we Mack?”
“About sixty miles.”
Jax lifts me and puts me back into the car, PJ, Layla and Sam are all awake now.
“What is happening?” Layla asks.
“She is in pain, stomach. I think it is the baby.”
“What?” Layla asks, leaning over and stroking my hair.
“It’s like…when I had Lilly.”
“Are we going to a hospital?” Sam asks, leaning over the seat and touching my head. “Love, what is the pain like?”
“Like labor.”
“Is your stomach tightening?”
“Yes.”
“No waters breaking?”
“No.”
“We definitely need to get her some help.”
“I’m on it.” Mack says when we are back in the car; he speeds off quickly.
Jax holds me, and I wail for the next hour. When we arrive at the hospital, I am panting and gripping his shirt with fury. This is not right. I know it. I can feel it. A nurse comes out and puts me in a wheelchair, before rushing me in. Ten minutes later, a doctor has me on an examination table. Jax is standing beside me; pale faced.
“She is eight centimeters dilated, the girl is in labor.”
“It’s too early!” I scream.
“We need to try and stop this before those waters break.”
The doctor walks out quickly, and a nurse comes back in with lots of injections, she pumps them into me, and I am connected to drips. Jax stands beside me, still not speaking. The nurse and doctor talk frantically between each other, and then both turn to me. They walk over, with grim expressions.
“Love, if we can’t stop this labor, and this baby comes out…the chances are he or she will die.”
I wail again and Jax curses beside me.
“What are the chances?” He growls.
“At this age? Next to none. If by some small and I mean SMALL miracle that baby lived, the damage growing up would be huge.”
“So what are our options?”
“We try and stop the labor; if we can’t…she will have to deliver.”
“Jesus.”
“I will leave you for a moment.”
They leave and Jax grips my hand; I am sobbing into the pillow.
“Hey we will be ok.”
“I don’t want my baby to die.”
“Shhh, I am here, won’t leave you.”
An hour passes, then two, then three and the labor doesn’t stop. As I am wheeled into delivery, I feel numb. I can’t believe this is happening to me. The doctor said stress; sometimes it can cause premature labor. Stess…stress killed my child? I push and scream for eight hours, and then our baby is delivered into the world. A boy, a tiny boy.
We are allowed to hold him, kiss him, take photos, but all I want to do is make it go away. Jax is as numb as me, silent tears thunder down his cheeks as he holds his son. He had stopped breathing the moment he came out. I sit numbly as the nurse takes hand and foot prints, and then our baby is taken away. Just like that, taken from our arms.
Jax crawls into bed with me, and there we cry until there is nothing left. I am taken back to my room, with an empty stomach. I woke this morning with a baby, and now…he is gone. Nothing in the world could describe the crippling, fierce pain in my heart right now. The nurse gives me something to knock me out, and within minutes, I am out. Away from the pain and torment.
“Oh Jax.” I hear a voice say.
I don’t open my eyes. I can’t. I don’t want to.
“He…he…was so small momma.”
“Oh son.”
It’s Amber.
“I…she…what will we do?”
“Shhh, it will all be ok son. “
I drift back out and into the land of darkness again. The second time I come around, I flutter my eyes open and see Jax still sitting beside my bed. Mack and Sam are here also. When Jax sees my eyes, he leaps up. He is pale, red eyed and looks horrible. I must look the same.
“Hey, hey…”
He takes my face, and I shove his hand away, he steps back shocked.
“Don’t touch me.”
He looks confused, as though he has no idea why I would be mad.
“Get out, leave…this is all your fault. Stress, stress killed your son. Stress killed him, and that is all your fault. You left me without contact and lied…this is all your fault.”
I scream the words at him; he takes two steps back, horrified. He turns and walks out of the room and I begin wailing again. Mack is in my bed in seconds, holding me in his arms and rocking me. I sob into his shirt until once more I have nothing left.
“Shhh, we are here.”
“I am going to leave you for a while.” Sam says gently, stroking my hair.
When she is gone, Mack pulls back and looks down at me.
“Angel, this isn’t Jax’s fault.”
I begin sobbing again. “I know, God, I know. It just hurts so much Daddy.”
“I know it does, I know.”
“My baby is gone, my baby.”
“I know.”
My mother comes rushing in then, followed by Lilly. When did they get here? Her eyes are red and puffy; she bounds in and stops when she sees Mack.
“Oh, Mack.”
“Hi Grace.”
“Is she…ok?”
“What do you think?”
He steps back, but I grip his shirt. “Please don’t go daddy.”
He nods and continues holding me, Lilly steps forward and her little green eyes are so full of tears and pain. I open my other arm, and she gets into the bed with me, then my mother stands on the other side and together we all sob. All except Mack, who stays my rock.
“Mommy, where has my baby brother gone?”
“To heaven honey, to be with all the angels.” I choke.
“Where is daddy?”
“Here.”
I hear Jax’s voice and meet his eyes as he steps in the room. Lilly bounds off the bed and into his arms; he holds her and his own tears begin to flow again. God I was so harsh, it was so unfair for me to blame him for this.
“Can Jax and I have a moment?” I ask quietly.
“Of course.”
They all leave and Jax comes further into the room, staring at me with hurt green eyes.
“Jax, I shouldn’t have said those things before. This is not your fault; I betrayed you and if I never did that, you wouldn’t have left. I am so sorry.”
He climbs into bed with me, and when his solid, warm arms wrap aroun
d me, I crumble.
“It’s ok, I got you.”
“I want him back.”
“Me too mate.” He croaks.
“He was so beautiful.”
“He was.”
“Jax, I…am so sorry I hurt you.”
“Hey, it’s ok.”
“You know it’s not your fault, don’t you?”
“I know mate, it is no-one’s fault.”
“Stay with me.”
“I won’t ever leave you, never again.”
EIGHT MONTHS LATER
“I got my old job back.” I smile as I walk through the front door. Jax turns from the kitchen counter to stare at me.
“What?” He asks in that tone.
“I went down on my way back from the shop, they are short staffed. I start tonight.”
Jax looks…angry. “No.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said, no.”
I snort. “You are kidding, right?”
“Do I look like I am kidding?” He growls, folding his arms across his naked chest.
“Why can’t I work?”
“You know why.”
“Ben? God, Jax. I am not going to hide in this God Damned house until you find him.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I am not.”
“Jade God Dammit don’t defy me.”
I glare at him, but his gaze doesn’t waver. “Whatever.”
I storm up the stairs, asshole. I am going to whack this control freak issue once and for all. Jax has been intense since…since our son died. He is so paranoid and won’t let Lilly or me go out without escort. He is determined to catch Ben and deal with him before I ever have freedom again. I glance at the time, two hours until my shift starts. I pull on some clothes for work and open my window. Oh yes, I am doing this. Sneaking out of my own house. I very quietly sneak out and creep slowly towards the car.
I get in and turn it on, then like lightning, speed off. Take that Jax Watts. I make it to work an hour before my shift, but Ellie is not too concerned. She is always busy, and we set about preparing for tonight. My phone is ringing over and over, God I am going to be in so much trouble. He has to learn to let go; I know how tough things have been, but he has to let go.
“You better answer that.” Ellie mumbles nervously, she knows my husband has a lovely temper.
“No, thanks.”
“Jade if you don’t he will come in and disrupt my bar.”
I sigh. “Fine.”
I pick up the phone and wearily say hello.
“What the fuck sort of game are you playing at?” Jax snarls.
“Hello husband and how are you?”
“Don’t fucking smart mouth me Jade, I swear to God.”
“What Jax? You do not own me.”
“I am trying to protect you, and you’re making that near impossible.” He roars.
“I am working, with a heap of people, as if Ben will just waltz in and take me.”
“You underestimate us pirates!”
“No, I just refuse to let you rule me. Including your crew husband; now if you don’t mind I have a job to do.”
“Don’t you fucking hang up…”
I do, slamming the phone closed. Ellie is staring wide eyed and gaping.
“Wow, he is going to whip your gorgeous ass when you get home woman.”
“Bring it on.” I smirk.
The night is relatively quiet, and Ellie helps me get back into the swing of things. It feels good to get back to work. After the loss of my baby, I never thought the pain would ease, but lately I have been feeling a little relief by getting back into a normal routine. During the evening, around ten pm, the door opens and in steps Jax. Not only Jax but his entire crew, the whole God Damned lot of them. All looking deadly and angry. Uh oh.
“Oh, holy shit.” Ellie breathes.
“I am going to run Ellie.”
“I don’t think that is wise, your husband doesn’t look too happy.”
I glance at Jax, and she is right, he looks furious. His eyes are blazing, his jaw is tense, and his mouth is set into a hard line. He steps forward, and the crew surrounds him. People move out of his way, out of their way. Damned bloody pirates. I take a step back and Jax freezes.
“Don’t you run.”
I do; I turn and I run out the back door. I see him run forward and leap over the counter. Oh holy crap. Adrenaline courses through me and my heart beat becomes frantic. This is so exciting. I know how much trouble I am in, but God I love to play with that man of mine. It has been so long since we have…had passion. I hear him bark orders for the men to go outside and around. Run fast Jade, or he will catch you. I tear out the back entrance and straight over a neighboring fence.
I dodge poles and cars as I zoom through the crowds of people. I make it to a dark alley and I slide in. I duck behind and old dumpster and wait; I hear footsteps tear past. Ha, I lost them. I hide for another half an hour, when the coast is clear, I walk out. I decide not to go back to the bar; I know they will have people watching out for me. I sit down at the beach; I need time to think. God Damned husband, he thinks he can just make all the choices for me; well he can’t.
I cannot believe he got the entire crew in, what was he thinking? Treating me like an idiotic teenager, what does he expect I would do? Roll over and play dead? I slowly make my way home, knowing I have to show myself eventually. I won’t be afraid, I will stand my ground. I chant this in my head the entire way to my house. When I step through my front door, my lips form a big O. Jax and the crew are waiting; arms folded. How long have they been there just standing and waiting for me to come through the front door?
I smile sheepishly, boy am I in trouble. My boys, God love them. They are so over protective. This sight would frighten most people, about twenty tattooed, bearded men standing and waiting for me. All with straight faces and narrowed eyes. I lean against the closed door and fold my arms, cocking my head to one side.
“Evening boys, waiting for someone?”
Jax growls. “Get upstairs.”
“No.”
Oh yes, I am pushing my limits; I know I am. He steps forward, leans down and rams his shoulder into my stomach. Standing, he pulls me over his shoulder. I squeal and slap his backside, pummeling my hands over and over.
“Let me go, brute.”
He doesn’t answers he just storms up the stairs and into our bedroom. He tosses me onto the bed and I land with a thump. I leap up, but he rams his shoulder into me and drops me back to the bed. I squirm and kick, but he is too strong. He takes hold of my arms and yanks them above my head. What is he doing? Is he going to tie me up?
“JAX!” I scream, kicking out at him.
“You wanna fucking defy me? You pay the price.”
“JAX STOP IT.”
He ties my arms above my head then moves to my feet; I kick him hard in the belly and he tumbles backwards swearing at me. With a hard swat to my thigh, he yanks my legs back down. I am crying now; screw him for being such a prick.
“Untie me or I swear to…”
He stops, leans forward and grabs my chin harshly with his hands. “What?”
“You’re my husband, let me go.”
“And you’re my fucking wife, who couldn’t give a shit about her daughter or her husband.”
“WHAT?”
“You went out knowing it’s dangerous, knowing you’re unprotected. You didn’t think that while I was looking for you, Lilly was unprotected. You are a selfish little cow and you are getting all you deserve. You won’t move from here tonight.”
Guilt washes over me. He is right; I didn’t think of Lilly. God what is wrong with me? I turn away and refuse to meet his eyes as he watches me. He doesn’t soften; instead he pulls the blanket over me and walks out. Leaving me alone and helpless. I can’t move; he isn’t really going to leave me all night, is he?
He does. All night I lay tied up, and he doesn’t bother to come and check on me. When morning comes, I a
m furious, no, I am so angry I could explode. I want to beat him so hard. I am busting to pee, and I cannot hold it much longer. I yell out over and over, but he doesn’t come in. I manage to hold, desperately squirming by the time he comes in. I am also very wild by that point.
“You fucking untie me right now.” I hiss when he stops at the bed.
He does, and when my hand is free, I punch him hard in the mouth. He goes flying back and curses.
“How fucking dare you! Stay away from me you rotten man.”
I storm into the bathroom and lock the door. How dare he? How fucking dare he? What sort of husband does that? Over controlling freak. He bangs on the door, but I ignore it until eventually he goes away. I lift myself and shower, slowly, wearily. When I walk out, brushing my hair, I see Jax is sitting on the bed. I throw my hairbrush at him, and he ducks just in time.
“Stay away from me Jax, right now I don’t want to see you.”
He looks at the hairbrush, then at me. “You disobeyed me.”
“So you fucking tied me up, like a prisoner, really? That is how you think men treat their wives?”
He blanches. “Baby, I didn’t…”
“Stay AWAY!”
He puts his hands up in defeat, knowing this fight is over for now. He stands and walks out without another word. I sit sulking for another half an hour before finally deciding to go downstairs. I am halfway down when I hear Jax open the front door.
“Bella?”
Bella! What the fuck is she doing here? It’s what I hear next that sends my blood running cold.
“Dad!”
Dad? Dad? That’s not Lilly’s voice…it’s a little boy’s voice. I step down further and peer around; Jax is hugging a young boy. Dad? I don’t understand. The boy pulls back, and I gasp. Holy mother of God, that boy looks like Jax. His hair is as blonde as Bella’s, but his eyes…oh lord his eyes. Green, that piercing green. I choke, and Jax turns; his face is pale, and he looks like he is about to pass out. Bella looks up and smiles.
“Hello Jade, nice to see you again.”
I look at Jax who is slowly…very slowly walking towards me. The little boy is staring at me; he would have to be a few years older than Lilly.
“Jade…” His voice is calm, soothing.
“Oh Jax, she doesn’t know? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.” Bella says, actually looking genuine.
“That child…” I stammer.
“Is mine.” Jax finishes.