by Bec Botefuhr
“Hey, Jade, hey.”
Jax?
“Come on Jade, can you squeeze my hand if you can hear me?”
I squeeze the hand in mine.
“Well done, and can you open your mouth and close it.”
I do, with great effort.
“Blink a few times.”
I do.
“She is following orders well, that is a fabulous sign.”
My vision clears, and I see I am in a hospital room. Jax is beside me, but for some reason, everything is fuzzy. Really, really fuzzy. I know who he is, but…why is here? What is happening? Why can’t I remember anything that has happened?
“I…” I croak.
“Water.”
Someone tips liquid down my throat and I swallow greedily.
“Slow down, not too much.”
I wait a moment, and then try again.
“W-w-what am I doing here?”
“You don’t remember?”
I rub my head. “No.”
“Jade, do you know your name?”
“You just said it.” I whisper.
The doctor laughs. “So I did. What is your last name?”
“Casteah.”
“And your husband’s name?”
Husband? What?
“Husband?”
“Yes, your husband.”
“I’m not married.”
“Oh crap.” Jax mutters.
I look over at him. “What is it? How come you are here?”
He looks confused. “You know who I am?”
“Yes, I know who you are.”
“But you don’t know what I am to you?”
“A lover?”
“Doc?” Jax says, looking worried.
“Jade, can you tell me anything you remember? Anything at all.”
“I…there are bits and pieces. I know Jax and I are together, but I can’t remember why or when. I have a child, but I don’t remember how old. It is like a dream, when you remember you had a dream, and you remember it was good, but you don’t remember what it was about. I remember Jax, and if you asked names I would know the people, I just can’t remember how or why they are in my life or anything that has happened.”
“I see.” The doctor says, puzzled.
“Doc, is it from the hit?”
“I am not sure, can we talk?”
Jax and the doctor walk out, but I can still hear them. Just.
“What is going on?”
“I am going to run some tests, but I must warn you, I don’t think this is memory loss from the accident. Patients with that remember nothing from certain periods of time or altogether. She knows the people in her life, she just doesn’t remember anything about them. My guess, on a personal level, is that it is mental.”
“Mental?”
“I believe she has blocked it out herself.”
“What?”
“It happens; emotional trauma gets too high and people cut out parts of their brain.”
“What can we do?”
“Nothing much, she will remember if she wants to, maybe with some counseling.”
“And is there a chance she won’t?”
“Of course, I have seen it many times. You can try different therapies, but personally, I believe if someone wants to block something so heavily, maybe it is best to remain blocked.”
“So if she remembers?”
“Then be honest.”
“If she doesn’t?”
“Son, only you can decide what you do with that. From what I have seen and been told, maybe it isn’t such a bad thing. Think of it like this, this might be her erasing all the bad in her life. You get to re-create everything she knows, just think about that. I will run further tests and eliminate all other possible causes before we get too ahead of ourselves.”
“Thanks.”
I roll back and stare at the roof. What are they talking about? What happened to me? Why would they be saying it could be best to leave it? Jax walks back in the room, and I look over at him. I don’t recall anything, yet, I know him so well. I feel a sting in my chest at the sight of him, I know without a doubt I love him, I just can’t remember why.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” I croak.
“How are you feeling?”
“I am so confused, it is like reading a book and knowing all the characters, but not knowing how or why they met or even knowing their story. Tell me Jax, what are you to me?”
“I am your husband.”
“We…we….got married?”
He smiles weakly. “Yeah, we did.”
“And, we are happy?”
“Do you feel happy, do you feel anything?”
The look on his face is pure, raw pain. He is scared I don’t care for him.
“I feel everything; I love you as much as I know how. I don’t know how it was before, but that is how it is now. I know you, but I don’t know why or how.”
“That has to hurt a lot.”
“It’s just…it’s hurting my brain. I can’t see or remember a Damn thing, just people, I just see people.”
“Names?”
“Mack, who I know is my father, though I don’t know how the hell I know that. I have a friend, Layla and PJ. I remember Jack, but I don’t know from where. I remember my daughter, though I have no idea how old she is. I remember the crew, and the pirates. I just don’t know how they all piece together.”
“Jesus.”
“It…God it is so strange. What happened, why am I here?”
“James knocked you over the head?”
“James, why? Did I not marry him?”
Jax sighs and sits. “Ok, I am going to give you a very, very brief overview of the past years of your life. I will start with how we met…”
Jax spends a good hour telling me about basic things in our life, I am dumbfounded. I can’t remember it, though it pieces all the people together. He tells me about Mack and PJ, and where they come from. He tells me how I met Layla and Jack. He explains the crew and about his parents. He tells me where we live, and about Lilly. By the end of it, my mind is a mess.
“I can’t think, my mind is like a rollercoaster, it hurts. Where is my mother?”
He tenses and looks away.
“Jax?”
“You remember nothing?”
“No.”
“Give me a minute.”
I watch him leave the room. What isn’t he telling me? An hour later, he returns with Mack. I smile, relieved to see my father. He looks confused, like he expected a different reaction from me. It only sent my mind back into a frenzy, knowing things were going on, and I had no idea what they were.
“Hi angel.”
“Hi daddy.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Confused.”
“You really can’t remember?”
“No, not a thing.”
“Anything at all?”
“Fuzzy bits a pieces, but nothing solid.”
He nods and looks at Jax.
“Sweetheart, you asked for your mom before and…well…she passed away.”
I feel the colour drain from my face. Passed away? When? How?
“W-w-what?”
“She died recently; her funeral was a few days ago. I am sorry angel, it was an accident that couldn’t be avoided.”
“Oh, no.”
I feel tears stream down my cheeks, my heart throbs. My mother is gone. I sob hysterically, part of me feels like I have been here doing this before.
“I knew, before this?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t take this, why can’t I remember anything? I don’t like not knowing. You could all be making up big lies, and I wouldn’t know. I can’t stand it.” I scream, gripping the sheets.
“Hey, you listen to me,” Jax says, taking my face in his hands. “Do you trust me?”
I look at him, I don’t remember a Damn thing, other than how we met. I know I love him though, my heart screams it every time hi
s eyes meet mine. I know he is my life, my soul and that he makes me happy. I can feel that with every part of my body, and I know well enough that doesn’t come without trust and friendship.
“Yes.”
He smiles a little, a dazzling, heartfelt smile. “Then you know I wouldn’t lie to you. I have told you everything there is to know about how all these people fit into your life. I admit I have left out some of the bad things, but do you really want to know them? To relive any pain they have caused? If you remember them, I will confirm them, but if you don’t…do you really want them in your life? You get a chance to find yourself again and be who you want to be, but if you want the details of past hurts, I will give them.”
I think about it, and know he is right. Why would I want to feel hurt, if I didn’t have to? I feel enough now at the news of my mother, I didn’t need more.
“No, I don’t want to know about tragic things. I just want to know basics Jax.”
“And I have told them all to you, if there is anything else, you only have to ask.”
I smile weakly. “Thank you.”
The doctor walks in then, followed by a young nurse.
“Hello, we are ready to take you for some tests if that is ok?”
I nod. “Ok.”
“I will be waiting.” Jax says, kissing my head.
“I’ll be fine, I need some time to process all this. Go, freshen up and come back later.”
He hesitates, and I take his hand.
“Please?”
“Ok.”
Mack walks over and kisses my head.
“I accept your decision not to know, but I need to say something. I said things to you, before this happened that I deeply regret. I want you to know, even if you never remember, that I never meant a Damn word of it. I love you to the bottom of my soul, and I want you to always know that.”
I nod weakly. Wondering what he had said and if I had made the right decision in saying I didn’t want to know.
“Thanks.”
The two men leave, and I am wheeled down the halls for hour’s worth of brain testing. It is grueling, draining and emotionally exhausting. When I am returned to my room, I pass out instantly, but not before I shed a few more tears for my mother.
CHAPTER 12
I have just woken from a very restless sleep when a woman walks through the door. She is tall and blonde, wearing a white doctor’s coat. She looks warm, and her eyes are friendly.
“Hi there, I am Dr Jones.”
I nod weakly and sit up.
“I am sorry to wake you.”
“No, I was awake.” I croak.
“I am just here to have a chat with you, if you are up for it?”
“Are you a shrink?”
She laughs, and it is genuine. “I guess so, yes. All your tests came back fine, so we are treading on some different grounds.”
“Huh?”
“I guess you have heard that sometimes patients block out the past, because it was just too much. Your doctors have come to the conclusion that is what you have done. I am here to chat with you about the next steps to take.”
“What steps are there to take?”
She smiles and sits down, then leans on her legs and stares over at me.
“Well, some people want to remember their lives before the memory loss. I can help them dig deep and release those memories. Others decide they don’t want to remember, and choose to move on a re-create a life with what they know now.”
“Wont the memories come back and stuff that all up for them?” I ask.
“No, most cases if the block is there, it remains. Sometimes something will happen in that person’s life to trigger a release and memories in relation to that trigger will come flooding back. It can be quite overwhelming and often people find they can’t deal with those memories; others deal with them and move on.”
“What if your life is wonderful, and then a memory comes back about someone or something that ruins all that?”
“I think instinct allows most to create a life with what they know, even if they don’t remember. For example, you love your husband do you not?”
“Of course.”
“You know that, even though you remember nothing about your life with him or what happened. You know you love him because you trust in him and yourself. If a memory came back, that was less than pleasant; do you think that would change?”
I think for a moment. “It would probably be painful, but I figure if I got through it once, I could again. I obviously loved him enough the first time to deal with it.”
“So you know yourself well enough, you trust your judgment and feelings. Sometimes that is all you need. If you go off how you feel around those you love, then you can believe you love them for a reason. It shouldn’t matter what has happened to get to that point, so long as you believe in it.”
I smile a true smile. “You know, I really expected you to come in here and asses me, but you have just made things that much better.”
She beams and sits back. “I don’t believe in fixing everything. I honestly think people only fix themselves if they want to. I can see you aren’t in a hurry to get your memories back, if that is the case then all the pushing in the world won’t unleash the block. If you are content in moving on with your life, believing what you know, then who am I to asses you?”
“And if I do remember something that causes me stress or pain?”
“Talk to whomever is involved, let them explain it and tell you why it happened. If it distresses you further, call me, I am happy to talk you through anything.”
“I appreciate it.”
“For what it is worth, I have seen your family come and go, and even though you may have some painful memories with them, it is clear to me they all adore you. Sometimes that just has to be enough.”
“So I really get a chance, to start again?”
“If that is how you wish to look at it, then yes.”
“I think it is what I want. A part of me is screaming to leave the past as the past, I don’t know why but I am going to trust that.”
“Instinct,” She repeats. “It knows best.”
“Thank you.”
“Here is my card, call me anytime.”
I thank her again, and when she leaves, I stare up at the roof with a smile on my face. I get to start again, how many people truly get that gift? I know I have painful memories stored somewhere in my heart, and maybe one day they will come out, and when they do I will deal with them, but for now, in this moment, I have another chance to be what I need, what I want. I am going to take that chance, with both hands.
I hear Jax’s voice an hour or so later, just outside the room. Smiling, I pick up my phone and dial his number. I hear a ringtone come across the hall, loud and heartfelt. I listen in and goose bumps prickle on my flesh. That ringtone, it touches my heart. “Coz we are gonna be, forever you and me, always keep it flying high in the sky of love.” I feel tears prick my eyes and I stand, wobbling towards the door. Jax leans back, and glances around the frame at the sound of his phone and smiles to see me walking towards him. I stumble into his arms and know whole heartedly that this is home.
“What’s that for?” He murmurs into my hair.
“I’ve missed you.”
“Yeah baby girl, you too.”
“I talked to a doctor just before, about being able to retrieve my memories.”
He pulls back and glances down at me. “And?”
“I told her I didn’t want them back. If they come back, she has given me advice on how to deal with it, but if they don’t, I am not concerned. I get a chance to start again, with people that love me, I may not remember special moments like the day I had Lilly or the day we married or why we fell in love, but I know I love you, I know I love my daughter and my family, that is enough for me because now I get to re-create new memories, without any heartache or pain.”
“That makes me happy, if you knew how much…”
I bring his lips do
wn to mine and kiss him firmly. “You know what else I don’t remember?” I whisper.
“What’s that?” He murmurs against my lips.
“Making love.”
He tenses and growls. “Don’t say that.”
“It is like I have never done it.”
“God Dammit, you are making me hard as stone.”
“I can’t wait to find out.”
“I could be lousy you know.”
He is grinning at me and so I grin back. “Somehow, I doubt that.”
“Hmmmm, good looking doesn’t always mean good in bed. I could be extremely tiny and could be compensating for it with my looks.”
I reach down and grip him, he growls, and his fingers tighten on my sides.
“Well, that doesn’t feel like it is a problem.” I purr.
“We will have a problem if you keep doing that.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He moves his body off mine and lets out a long, slow breath.
“I am taking you out first.”
I laugh. “We are married.”
“I don’t care. I never did it before, not really. This time, I get a chance; I am not fucking it up. We are going out, at least three times before I put you in my bed.”
I gape. “You are kidding right?”
“Nope.”
“You won't wait that long.”
“How would you know, you can’t remember?”
“I remember when we met, though it kind of cuts off short, but I know you were a ladies man.”
He grins and winks at me. “Ladies man I was, things have changed. My wife is getting spoilt, like it or not.”
I smile and put my hands on his chest. “Oh yeah, spoilt how?”
He kisses my nose. “You will have to wait and see.”
“And Lilly, I…have an image of her in my head, I can see her smile and laugh, but I can’t pin point her age.”
“Nearly nine.”
“Nine?” I smile “Really?”
“Yep.”
“How will I talk to her, when I won’t know what she is talking about?”
“Just go along with it, she mostly talks about recent things, she has been kept out of the loop a lot.”
“And she knows I am ok?”
“Yeah, she knows.”
“And she is safe on that island?”
“Yeah.”