Scrooge
Ghost of Christmas Present
OK, OK, I know. #distasteful. He’s not *totally* broken.
But the future doesn’t look so for him. I see an empty stool in the corner with only one crutch propped up against it.
Scrooge
No! You have to save him!
Ghost of Christmas Present
I’m not Dr. Ghost of Christmas Present, ya know. I can’t save him.
Besides, why are you so upset? You couldn’t care less if these creatures—poor people —died. That’s what you want, right? To put them in prisons and workhouses?
Scrooge
I thought I did, but now I feel .
Ghost of Christmas Present
Buckle up, buddy. I’ve got one more place to show you. Tappity tap, tap, tap them.
Ghost of Christmas Present and Scrooge have checked into Fred’s .
Ghost of Christmas Present
Remember how you treated your nephew?
Scrooge
I’m afraid to.
Ghost of Christmas Present
Betcha thought that would his spirit.
Scrooge
I didn’t mean for it to!
Ghost of Christmas Present
Calm down. You’re not that important.
They’ll prove it. Look and learn.
Fred
So excited for our party tonight!
Fred’s Wife
me 2! do we have everything we need? drinks?
Fred
Fred’s Wife
snax?
Fred
Fred’s Wife
scrooge?
Fred
Negative.
You should’ve heard Uncle Scrooge today! He said that Christmas was a humbug, LOL! And he believed it!
Fred’s Wife
ugh. i can’t even. he’s tha worst.
Fred
IDK. He’s not so bad! Grumpy AF, yeah, but I ain’t mad.
Fred’s Wife
at least he’s rich, amirite?
Fred
So? He might be rich, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t DO anything with it. Not for himself, and not for others. He’s just wasting his life away.
Fred’s Wife
his loss!
Fred
It really is. Who suffers? He does! He doesn’t like us, so he’s not coming to our party. And he’s going to miss out on a GREAT time!
Fred’s Wife
idk why we invite him every year. he always says no.
Fred
IDC. I’ll keep trying anyway. He’s not going to find happiness in his gloomy office.
Who knows—one year he might have a change of and decide to come! Maybe he’ll even give Bob Cratchit the day off and a raise.
Fred’s Wife
lol. good 1!
Fred
Tonight we cheers to Uncle Scrooge!
Fred’s Wife
to scrooge and his health! and a merry xmas!
Scrooge
Can we stay for the party? Please?!
Ghost of Christmas Present
Hello?? You know you can’t interact with them.
Besides, I’m gettin’ old.
Scrooge
Whaddya mean? We just got started!
Ghost of Christmas Present
My time on is running out.
I’m only…present (badumpsh) …until midnight.
Scrooge
Oh. Is that when the last will visit me?
Ghost of Christmas Present
You got it.
Ghost of Christmas Present
Before I leave, though, just remember if we’ve learned anything, it’s that ignorance and greed are gonna bring you down.
It’s never too late to change, boo.
Scrooge
TYVM for showing me everything tonight. It was eye-opening.
Ghost of Christmas Present
Aw, you ol’ softie.
GL2U, Screw-ge. TT4N!
Scrooge
Can people change? Can you really teach an old dog new tricks? I’m beginning to worry. —feeling stressed
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REPLY
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Hello?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Are you the from the future?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
You must be. Past, present, and now you.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
This is starting to freak me out.
But OK. Lead on, .
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Seriously?! A skull?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come and Scrooge have checked into a funeral parlor.
Scrooge
A funeral? I’m not sure I’m ready for this. Who died?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
You don’t say much, do you?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Oh, a guest list. Lemme see.
Ebenezer Scrooge—December 25
Man Whom Scrooge Never Bothered to Speak To
Comment: Does anyone know when he died?
Woman Who Once Saw Him on the Street
Comment: Last night—Xmas Eve
Lady Whom Scrooge Was Introduced to Three Times but Still Couldn’t Remember
Comment: How terrible! What did he…croak from?
Guy Who Doesn’t Know How He Ended Up Here
Comment: IDK, but I thought he’d never die!
Man Who Has Only One Thing on His Mind
Comment: What did he do with his ?
Woman Who Lived Around the Corner from Scrooge
Comment: Not sure. Certainly didn’t leave it to me!
Scrooge
Huh. IDGI. Are we at Jacob’s funeral?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Ya know, it’d be helpful if you actually said something once in a while.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Fine.
Scrooge and Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come have checked into a dirty, run-down shop in a bad part of town.
Scrooge
Ew, this place is filthy.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Read this?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Thanks. So helpful as always.
Transcript between Mrs. Dilber, Old Joe, Laundress, and Undertaker
Old Joe: Welcome, everyone.
Mrs. Dilber: Let’s get this started, shall we? I brought my goods. What about the rest of you?
Laundress: Got mine!
Laundress: You sure it’s OK to divvy up his things like this?
Mrs. Dilber: Completely. I used to scrub and clean his all the time. I’m not even sure he knew that half this stuff existed. He won’t miss any of it.
Laundress: True. He always took care of himself first.
Mrs. Dilber: If he really wanted his belongings to go elsewhere after , he would have been nicer to people, so someone could have taken care of him when he was . Instead, he died alone.
Old Joe: And a dead man won’t miss any of this.
Old Joe: I’ll take the smallest first. Undertaker, whatcha got?
Undertaker: Err.
Old Joe: Okayyy. I’ll pay for all of that. Next!
Laundress:
Old Joe: Great. Here you are. Next!
Mrs. Dilber: Open my , Joe.
Old Joe: Let’s see here. Wow!
Old Joe:
Old Joe: It’s beautiful—looks never worn. How did you get this? It’s very expensive.
Mrs. Dilber: I took it off of him, of course!
Old Joe: You took th
e off his back? Literally?
Mrs. Dilber: Someone must have wanted him buried in it. What a waste! I replaced it with a different . I took his curtains and bedsheets too. They’re all yours.
Old Joe:
Scrooge
This is awful! I’ve lived a life like that man. It could very well be me they’re stealing from.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Where to now?
Scrooge and Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come have checked into a dark and dingy bedroom.
Scrooge
Where are we?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
The bed? What’s under the sheet?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
No. No, no, no, no, NO. I won’t look!
Why isn’t there anyone here grieving him?
Surely there has to be someone who misses him. Show me someone who misses him!
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge and Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come have checked into a lively .
Wife
Any news?? When will you be home?
Husband
Yes, but it’s bad.
Wife
Let me guess. He didn’t agree to extend our loan? I figured as much.
Husband
He’s dead, . Heard it from his housekeeper firsthand.
Wife
WTF?
Husband
I thought he was just avoiding me, but it’s true. He is .
Wife
But what about our debt?
Husband
I’m not completely sure, but…I don’t think we have to worry about it anymore!
Wife
Really?! Finally! We can peacefully tonight. #MiraclesHappen
Husband
Be home soon!
Wife
Scrooge
Why would you show me people who are over this man’s death??
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Oh, no.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
OK, OK!
Scrooge and Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come have checked into Bob Cratchit’s .
Scrooge
I don’t think I like the reason you’ve brought me here.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Group text: Peter, Belinda, Mrs. Cratchit, Bob Cratchit
Peter
It’s not fair! When will you be home, Dad?
Belinda
Peter
Why are you trying to one-up me?
Belinda
#Rude. I’m not. These tears are real.
Mrs. Cratchit
Children, please. Now is not the time.
Bob Cratchit
Your is right. We’re in mourning.
Belinda
I’m sorry. I miss him, that’s all.
Peter
Me too. I miss .
Bob Cratchit
We all do. The funeral is set for Sunday.
Make sure you wear all black.
Mrs. Cratchit
I’ve been sewing s all day.
Bob Cratchit
I met Scrooge’s nephew, Fred, today.
He had the nicest things to say and sends his thoughts and prayers to us.
Mrs. Cratchit
That was very nice of him, indeed.
Bob Cratchit
He gave me his card in case we ever need him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he helped Peter find a better job.
Peter
Really?! That would be amazing.
Mrs. Cratchit
Yes, it would! What a great man.
Bob Cratchit
It’s a ray of light in an otherwise bleak time. We will never forget Tiny Tim.
Belinda
Never. #RestInPeaceTT
Mrs. Cratchit
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Our time is nearing the end, I know.
Tell me—I need to know whose funeral we attended. Please?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come and Scrooge have checked into a cemetery.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
I’m afraid to whose name is on that headstone.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
All right, sheesh! For someone so quiet, you sure are pushy.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
OMG
It was MY funeral??
This headstone has my name on it: EBENEZER SCROOGE.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
I’ve changed, though! I promise!
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
It’s not too late, is it? Am I really ?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
I PROMISE to honor Christmas in my forever!
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Throughout the ENTIRE year.
I’ll live in the past, present, and future. I won’t forget everything I’ve learned from you three!
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Scrooge
Please make this headstone disappear.
I’ll do anything. PLEASE!!!
Scrooge
OMG. It’s Christmas, and I’m still here! Pray for me that I make it through the whole day!—feeling relieved
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REPLY
Scrooge: Hallelujah!
Scrooge: I’m so happy!!!
Scrooge: So happy I’m crying!!!!!
Scrooge: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Scrooge
Tell me, stranger—what day is it?!
555-1422
New phone, who dis?
Scrooge
A man living in the past, present, and future!
555-1422
Weirdo.
It’s Christmas.
Scrooge
Scrooge #worstgiftever Page 3