“No,” he said shortly.
I was ready. I knew he was incredibly stingy, so I was prepared for a “no” early on in the negotiations.
“Dad, please, this horse means everything to me. Can you pay at least a thousand?”
He laughed.
Interrupting his amusement, I added, “Five hundred?”
He continued his cackling.
“Dad, come on.”
“Darling,” he began condescendingly, as he never addressed me with pet names, “it’s just a horse—dog food! Forget about it. Just focus on school.”
My mother and sister watched me anxiously.
“Dad, this horse is my life now,” I turned away from them, lowering my voice.
He broke out into roaring laughter now.
As infuriating as his dismissiveness was, I continued to plead. “Dad, please, whatever you can help out with, please! Even if it’s just a hundred dollars, please help me.”
But then the line went dead.
The drone of the dial tone was deafening. My stomach sank all the way through my body. I lost the feeling in my hands, and then I saw the phone receiver drop to the ground. I started to see spots, then I saw the ceiling, and then nothing.
I opened my eyes and saw my mother’s agitated face above my own. Her mouth was moving but I couldn’t hear her over the ringing in my ears. Then she started to shake me.
“Victoria!” I heard now, she was screaming.
“Oh shit!” my sister let out, standing behind my mother, in the doorway of the bathroom. “She fainted!”
“Get cold water in a glass, and bring a cold, wet towel!” my mother barked at my sister.
As soon as my sister ran off, my mother grabbed me under my arms and pulled me to my bed. She was cursing my father and George in Romanian. I had never heard her curse like that, like my father, before. It was like venom.
She ordered my sister to stay in my room with me, while she went back to the phone. I knew it no longer mattered who she called or what she said. I now felt nothing, I was empty. Then I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
__________
I woke up the next morning, and put on my riding clothes.
When we got to the farm, my mother marched off to the office and I straggled to the stables. This time, Carol was already tacking up Prinz, her first horse of the day.
“Hey there! Get your helmet. You’re starting Prinz for me.”
“OK.” I welcomed the immediate distraction.
“Hey, Moony,” I called to Moony as I approached his stall, since it was on my way to the tack room, sort of. I dropped a couple of carrots in his bucket and headed for the tack room, to get my helmet.
As soon as I was done riding Prinz, I made my way back to my favorite spot on the farm, Moony’s stall.
Just as I started to open the stall door, Kim flew into the barn in an obvious rage.
“VICTORIA!” she bellowed.
Now what did I do? I wondered.
“Moony’s not going nowhere, you hear me?” she started.
Just then, I saw my mother come into the barn. I knew she had just told Kim what was going on.
“Sure, OK,” I replied.
“Listen, this is your horse and no one is taking him away from you. I’ll lock him in his stall if I have to,” she assured me.
I was touched. Kim had never been particularly warm. In fact, it seemed like the only time she talked to me was to reprimand me. I was moved by her sudden interest.
“See, Fafi, you won’t lose Moonshine. Everyone is on your side,” my mother started.
“OK, thanks, Mom. I have to get back to work.”
I didn’t have anything pressing to do, but I was drained and just didn’t feel like being around people anymore.
“OK, I will pick you up at six.”
“OK.”
Throughout the day, I came to visit Moonshine every chance I got. I didn’t ride him until the end of the day, though. I didn’t want to be rushed. I wanted to savor every last minute I had with him. When all my work for Carol was done, I got on him without a saddle. I just wanted to enjoy a light and easy bareback ride.
Carol was in the indoor teaching when I came in bareback on Moonshine. When I was within earshot, she called, “Saved the best for last today, huh?”
I smiled as I petted Moony’s neck, “Yeah.”
__________
I didn’t work for Carol on Saturdays because those were the days reserved for her teaching those students whose horses she trained during the week. I woke up late that morning, lamenting that I had awoken and would soon have to part with Moonshine.
My mother drove me to the barn in silence; no radio, no conversation, just tense silence. When we arrived, everyone was there, most of the boarders, all of the trainers, Kim, and even Richard, were all in Moonshine’s barn. The buzz in the barn was unusual, even for a Saturday. Everyone seemed to be engaged in conversation around Moonshine’s stall. I noticed Kim leaning casually against Moonshine’s door. Only Carol and a few other busy trainers were outside giving lessons.
“Hey, Victoria!” I heard from the crowd.
“Hey guys,” I replied.
“I’m going to the office,” my mother declared.
“OK.”
I made my way through the crowd. The conversation stopped.
“Hey Moony,” I said through the bars of Moony’s stall, as he was staring out of his window. I dropped a carrot in his feed bucket, and he came to devour it. I petted him on his cheek. I then headed to the tack room to retrieve my riding equipment.
I tacked him up in his stall. He stood still, knowing the routine. First, pick the feet, then curry, then brush, then wrap the legs, then saddle pad, saddle, girth (he still didn’t like it when I tightened the girth, pinning his ears and thrashing his head around, but now he just threatened, and stopped his antics if I scolded him), and finally, the bridle. Kim stood by the door the whole time. She had never done that before.
I led him outside, got on, and we proceeded to the arena in which Carol was giving a lesson. We didn’t have a lesson scheduled, I just wanted to be near her.
When I finished my ride, I walked Moonshine back to the barn.
I noticed my mother sitting on one of the benches in front of the barn with my godmother, Ava. When they saw me approaching the barn, Ava said, “Hi honey!” in her thick, Bulgarian accent.
“Hi,” I replied.
I walked Moonshine to his stall, and, though most of the crowd had now dispersed, Kim was still engaged in conversation with a few others, by Moony’s stall.
As I began to take off the saddle, a short, thin, plain-looking stranger walked into the barn, toward Moonshine. He had curly black hair, an ugly beak of a nose, and glasses. In that instant, Kim went from calm and pleasant to hostile and loud.
“OUTSIDE, BY THE PICNIC BENCHES!” she bellowed as she started toward him, pointing in that direction.
“OK, OK,” he said, smiling, and putting his hands up, as if to show he was unarmed. He turned, but caught my stare as he stepped out of the barn, escorted by the angry barn manager.
My mother and Ava followed. I could see the picnic benches perfectly from Moony’s window. I immediately pulled off the saddle and bridle, unwrapped his leg wraps, and led him into his stall. I glued myself to the window so that I could watch the negotiations. The setting was too far from Moony’s stall to hear anything.
George said something inaudible.
My mother stood up and yelled, “I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING THE TRAILER!” I heard that perfectly.
I sighed. “It’s over, Moony, I love you,” I whispered to him as he busily chomped his hay in the opposite corner of the stall. The hot tears started to build and fall quietly.
Then I saw Carol come to the table, and when Kim saw her, she
got up, to give her that spot. Kim then went into the office.
They spoke for a long time. Everyone had a turn, although there were frequent interruptions. George looked amused, almost like this was fun. Carol arrived calm, but as the discussion went on, her face ripened to a bright tomato red. The conversation continued for over an hour. I clutched the bars of Moony’s window, unable to let go.
Then they all stood up. George offered his hand to my mother for a handshake, but she ignored it and started to march toward the barn. Carol disappeared into the office. Ava simply looked at George and then followed my mother. George then got up and strode toward the parking lot.
I poked my head out of Moonshine’s stall, not knowing what to expect, but hoping for a miracle.
“Moony’s yours!” my mother and Ava said, almost simultaneously.
“What? But how?”
“The pig just wanted more money, and we’ll send it to him,” my mother explained.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, honey, yes!”
They both hugged me tightly, as I sighed.
I had never before felt such joy and relief. I had never before wanted something so badly, and come so close to losing it.
The next day, everyone congratulated me. I swelled with delight as I thanked everyone who offered congratulations. Even Jean came over to Moony’s stall to congratulate me.
Jean Schwimmer was another one of Carol’s students who mostly kept to herself when she was at the farm. I had seen Jean in passing in the barn and riding in the arenas since I first started riding at Oakwood. I never saw her smile, so I figured she just wanted to be left alone. I also kept my distance since she stabled her two horses in one of the smaller, more exclusive stables on the property, and ignored all of the other boarders. The only person I saw her speak to was Carol. It was only after I had been riding Moonshine for a few months that she would greet me in passing. As time went on, she became even friendlier, to the point where she was my biggest fan. She would watch my lessons, she would offer me praise whenever we learned something new, and she always wanted to know how we did at our last horse show. Maybe it was because she felt sorry for us always getting mediocre scores. I didn’t care, it was always nice to hear what she had to say. Having Jean on my side felt like a huge compliment, since she didn’t socialize with anyone else on the farm.
“Victoria! Congratulations! I just heard the great news!”
“Hi Jean, thanks,” I said, grinning widely, unable to contain myself.
“You guys will do great together,” she said as she petted Moonshine and put her hand on my shoulder.
“Thanks,” I replied.
“Well, tack up that horse of yours, and go show your stuff!” she said enthusiastically.
My horse, I thought. Did she really say ‘my horse’? Is Moony really mine? No one can take him away from me? The dream of having my own horse had actually come true; it was surreal.
Everything changed, and yet it all remained the same. I was happier, every day, regardless of what happened. I had a sense of security I had never before known. I didn’t care as much when Moonshine was difficult in training, or if he snapped at dogs on the farm. I didn’t care if Richard chastised me for letting my horse graze on one of the off-limits patches of grass around the barn, or for letting Moonshine flatten a bush when he tried to sit on it to relieve the itch under his belly, or for letting Moonshine roll in the sand in the arena. I didn’t care if I got yelled at, because I wanted to make Moonshine as happy as he made me. And if Moony wanted to eat lush grass and sit in bushes, I would let him.
The training with Carol was the same, but I was different. Before Moonshine was officially mine, I got frustrated with setbacks easily and quickly. I was insecure about others seeing the mistakes I made when I rode. But now, I didn’t care what anyone thought, aside from Carol. Moony was my horse and Carol was my coach, and I loved them both.
20
I was the happiest fourteen-year-old on the planet. As soon as Moony was mine, Mother Nature celebrated with me, bringing me my favorite season sooner than usual—fall. The green leaves morphed into vibrant yellows, oranges, and reds. The crisp, cool air was perfect for riding—not too hot, not too cold. But it quickly turned cold, and a heavy blanket of snow buried the city before Thanksgiving. Deep, white paths were shoveled through to the sidewalks. The streets became channels of gray slush, and black ice waited patiently for its victims.
On my way to school one morning, I slipped on an invisible patch of ice in front of the house, and was totally airborne. I saw my feet fly up in front of me, as my heavy backpack pulled me backward. I landed square on my behind. I stood up and felt fine, so I got in my mother’s waiting car and went to school.
But, as the car pulled up to the school, I started to feel pain in my tailbone and shooting sensations down both of my legs. I got out of the car and assumed it would work itself out. As the hours passed, the pain in my tailbone intensified, and the shooting pains intensified. My legs turned to lead, and it became almost impossible to move them. I went to the nurse’s office, where I lay on my stomach, hoping that I would feel better if I wasn’t sitting down. It didn’t work, the pain took over my lower body. It became excruciating, and then everything went black. When I woke up, I was in my bed at home.
How am I home? Wasn’t I just in school?
I tried to get out of bed, but couldn’t move. My legs just wouldn’t do what I wanted. It was scary, wanting to move a part of my body, but not being able to. It was like trying to scream, but having no voice.
I still felt pain, only now it was beyond excruciating, right at the end of my tailbone. Any angle I sat in was sheer agony. Even lying on my belly did nothing to relieve the pain.
Then I thought of Moonshine, and the fact that it was winter.
Who’s going to ride him? And everything is frozen, so there won’t be any turnout until spring! He’ll be stuck in the stall and no one will ever take him out! This cannot be happening!
__________
A week went by. The pain remained excruciating.
“We’re going to the doctor; we need to get this checked out. It’s been too long,” my mother informed.
“Mom, I can’t move. I don’t think you understand. It hurts just when I breathe.”
“Exactly why we’re going to the doctor right now.”
I knew that when she made up her mind, there was no changing it. I sighed in defeat.
She bent over the bed to help me sit up. I bit my lip hard, to keep quiet and not let her know how much pain I was in, but tears escaped and rolled down my cheeks. I put one arm around her neck and she helped me up. She put one arm around my waist and shuffled me to the car outside.
The doctor took X-rays. Then he called us back to his office.
“Young lady, your coccyx is broken. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to speed the recovery. The fragmented bone must fuse back together on its own.”
“How long will it take?” I asked.
“Three to four months, at best,” he replied.
“What? That’s too long!” I was exasperated.
Moony would be abandoned yet again, I gloomed.
__________
I had permission to stay home from school to recover, but I still had to do all of the reading and homework so I wouldn’t fall behind. I welcomed the distraction from the physical pain as well as the anguish at being separated from my horse. But every time I would start an assignment, worry seeped in. Nobody’s taking care of Moony . . . we’re not going to get to Third Level by the spring . . . is he being turned out every day? I felt hopeless and helpless.
The hours crawled. Night stole away daylight almost as soon as it came. And then it lingered ruthlessly. I watched the white snowflakes fall in the dark, outside my window. I would watch one fall from the top of the window, all the way to the bott
om. And then I wondered what Moonshine was doing. I missed petting his neck, the smell of the barn, and my lessons with Carol. The constant physical pain plagued me, the inability to use my body tortured me, but being torn from the greatest love I had was the greatest pain of all.
A month full of school work, daydreams, and self-pity dragged on. I finally had enough. I won’t be a victim. This isn’t me. I’m done. I’m done being a blob on the couch, I’m done feeling sorry for myself, and I will ride again.
Commercials and advertisements for the ab roller were inescapable. I knew that a strong core was essential for dressage riders, so I asked for one and got it. Just because I couldn’t use my lower body didn’t mean I couldn’t exercise my abs. And I might as well have a strong core when I rode again.
The first time I rolled onto the ground and set myself up in the ab roller, piercing pain punished my back and legs. I was so furious with my body for failing me and hurting me, that I wanted to hurt it even more. So, I turned on a half-hour TV show and did crunch after crunch for the whole show. I need to be strong for when I ride again.
I was satisfied. I was no longer just sitting there, being useless. I was no longer a victim. I would take my life back. I would ride again. And nothing would stop me, not even pain that made my eyes well up.
I was pleased, but I wanted to do more. I had just shown myself that I could power through the pain, and that I was stronger than it. I relished this new sense of empowerment, and wanted more. I resolved to work my arms out. My once strong arms had become weak, wet noodles. I would get my arms back. Exercise programs dominated daytime television, so I channel surfed until I found a show that focused on arms. I found two water bottles, lay on the ground, and did chest presses and flies, along with the instructor. I still wasn’t as happy as I used to be, but I was satisfied. I will ride again.
February did not drag on like January because, now, I was busy. When I wasn’t doing schoolwork, I was exercising. And finally, by mid-February, the pain in my back and legs began to subside.
As soon as I could stand it, I tried exercising my legs. At first, I could only do leg exercises lying flat on my back. I had lost the strength I used to have in my quadriceps and hamstrings, as well as all of my inner thigh power I had gained from sitting through Moonshine’s bucks. I lay on my side as I lifted one leg up, just like the exercise instructor did on the program I watched. There was a searing pain shooting from my spine into the leg I had suspended in the air. I went from not feeling so much pain when the leg was down, and my muscles relaxed, to the same intensity of pain I felt right after the accident.
The Tale of the Dancing Slaughter Horse Page 11