“Why did you?” I regretted the way it sounded.
Kitty stared across the room at a picture of Ruby smiling from a place in a rose garden where she seemed to be pulling weeds. She was wearing cutoff jeans, her brown legs tucked underneath her and her bare toes digging into the ground.
“That’s not an easy answer.”
The clock ticked a sad beat that matched my pulse, and I waited.
“I so loved it when Blake moved us back to Frances-DiCamillo. I was so young and wanted to be with my mother. I knew I would miss the loft, but my need to be near my family at such a young age overwhelmed me, and Blake knew it. It’s really hard to be parents when you’re practically still teenagers. I had grown up so fast. I just wanted to go back and hold on to my mom for a little bit longer.”
17
I know what it’s like, Kitty, to try to hang on to your mom. At least you remember yours.” I looked at her, and she was staring at her hands. “Don’t you, Kitty?”
“I do. I think of her every day, but going back, well, it just wasn’t an option, dear. But Ruby did go back. She tried to get me to go too, once she made the connection, but I never would.”
“I don’t understand,” I said. “But then I don’t know why you ever left.”
“Well, something happened that I wish I could forget, dear. I did things…”
“Bad things happen to everyone, don’t they, Kitty?”
“They do, but…”
When Kitty finally told me the things she had done, I wished she hadn’t. I tried to remain neutral as she spoke, but I admit it was difficult to hear what at first sounded to me like huge indiscretions.
Of course, in the day and age we live in, Kitty need not be so ashamed, but it was still shocking to me, if only because it had happened to my own grandmother.
It had happened gradually, but the first encounter had set the tone for what would happen later. She said it had been a warm day, almost sultry, in the vineyard when she decided to walk into La Rosaleda. Ruby was with Freda, and Kitty wanted to visit some of her favorite shopkeepers.
Blake had suggested that she call their friend Mike Larimer to drive her into town when there was nobody else, but she preferred to walk. Maybe she was just shy, but something about Mike had always bothered her. She didn’t like the way he looked at her. He stared longer than he should or would hold her arm too long as he helped her out of his car. I can just imagine how this infuriated Kitty, especially since she was even more reserved back then.
Kitty said she wondered why Blake had never noticed how cocky Mike was. Perhaps it was because of his help the night of the earthquake. Whatever it was, she told me, Blake never seemed to notice that Mike was a shameless flirt—no matter that he had a wife, Charlotte, and his little boy, Matt, at home.
“After my shopping,” Kitty told me, “I still somehow found myself walking back toward home accompanied by Mike Larimer.”
“I thought you didn’t call him,” I said.
“I didn’t, but he just happened to be walking that day.”
“Was he interested in you?”
“Yes, he was. I guess I knew it, but I just tried to ignore that fact when I saw him.”
She said Mike made small talk for a while, and she kept noticing how he would place his hand at her elbow even when he didn’t need to. She tried to distract him by asking about Charlotte. In turn he asked about her family and about the home Blake was building for her at Frances-DiCamillo.
“Oh yes,” said Kitty. “It’s gorgeous. It’s what I’ve always wanted. He and my father did a wonderful job.”
Mike was thoughtful. “That is downright sweet,” he said.
Kitty said she thought she caught sarcasm. What an odd response from him, she thought.
“Whatever do you mean?” she asked.
He dashed a lock of blond wavy bangs off his forehead. She said he really was exceptionally handsome compared to most men, even her Blake, and it would have been easy to be caught unaware of his bad manners. “It’s just I figured your dream home would be the one your parents will give you someday.”
“My new home, well, my husband built custom, just for me.”
“I’m sure he did, right along with your daddy. He is Blake’s benefactor after all, right?”
Kitty, incensed, quickened her pace. “My husband certainly works very hard for everything he has received. He is my father’s most valued and trusted employee. And he is a co-owner of the estate, as am I.”
Mike raised his eyebrows before changing the subject. “That Ruby of yours is growing,” he said.
“She sure is.” Kitty was suddenly relieved at the turn in conversation, glad to be talking about something more innocent. “How is Matthew? We haven’t seen him or Charlotte in a few weeks.”
“Well, he is fine. Matt’s mom and I don’t live together at present, but I do see him once a week.”
Kitty was appalled. “That must be hard for Matt. And Charlotte…”
Mike just shrugged his shoulders, as if resigned to the way things were. When they reached the gate, Mike tipped his hat to her and continued walking.
“Sad, isn’t it,” she told Blake later that day.
“Yes. Very,” he said. “Especially for Charlotte and Matt. I didn’t even know there were problems.”
“Well,” Kitty hesitated, not wanting to sound like a gossip. “I hear he can be a bit of a flirt sometimes. Maybe…”
Blake scoffed. “Oh, Kitty, it’s probably just rumors. Has he ever flirted with you?” He placed his arm around her shoulders and guilt swept through her. For some reason she told him no.
“Then I bet he’ll be back with his wife in no time. It’s probably just a lover’s spat, like we have from time to time.”
“Hardly ever,” she said.
“Often enough to keep me on the straight and narrow,” he joked.
Kitty said she felt silly for misunderstanding Mike’s intentions and that Blake was probably right.
“I don’t think you misunderstood the situation, Kitty,” I assured her. “Mike Larimer sounds very rude and disrespectful, nothing like our Dr. Larimer. I don’t understand why Blake would have trusted him though.”
“Well,” Kitty said, “Blake only saw the good in everyone. That is until he couldn’t see it in me.”
“What happened? Did he think you had an affair with Mike Larimer?”
I saw her chin drop. She reached a hand to one temple and slowly massaged. I took her silence as guilt. Was this a confession?
“Did you have an affair?”
BITTER GRAPES
Kitty
18
It was a Saturday evening when Blake took over story time for Ruby, giving Kitty the rare opportunity to sit out on the porch and relax. As she took in the rolling countryside around her, the leaves lush on the vines and the grapes themselves emerging, she listened to the sound of Blake’s songs coming through the open window of Ruby’s room.
All she needed was her shawl that evening as she sat on the porch swing and watched the sun setting over the vineyard. She loved being near the grapes, and the longer she sat breathing in the sweetness of the air, the more convinced she became that she needed to take a stroll, even if only through the yard.
She walked slowly toward the gate, enjoying the warmth of the evening, before turning back to the house and walking along the vineyard’s edge, enjoying the hush that fell over the vineyard this time of night. She took a few turns through the vineyard and was humming her favorite song, the one Freda sang to her as a child, “Amazing Grace,” when she heard a rustle among the vines.
“Oh!”
She jumped back, not having expected anyone else to be near. Turning around, she saw Mike Larimer step into her path.
“Mike! You nearly scared me to death!”
Kitty attempted a laugh that stuck in the back of her throat. He smiled at her, his charming grin full and friendly.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Birkirt.”
&nbs
p; “What are you doing?” she asked sternly.
She was baffled at why he was out strolling at this time of evening. “What are you doing here?”
Mike had inched closer to her, and before she realized what was happening, he’d reached out and laid his hand on her shoulder.
“Well,” he said, as he squeezed her shoulder through her shawl, “nobody has to know I’m here.”
She cocked her head, wondering what he meant as she felt the warmth of his hand through the fabric of her clothing. Then she noticed something else in his eyes that caused her heartbeat to quicken. This is the moment when she should have turned and walked away, but confused, she instead found herself rooted to the spot.
“Why, Mike Larimer…” she said in surprise.
He stepped close enough for her to feel the heat through his shirt and then yanked her quickly into the shield of the vines.
“I had to see you alone.”
Seven weeks later, young Kitty sat at the doctor’s office in town.
“Absolutely not,” argued the doctor. “It’s wrong and illegal. Not only that, but your father would destroy me if he found out.”
Kitty had no doubt that if he found out, he would. But what choice did she have? “Please,” she implored. “I have to. This would disgrace my family. And my husband.” She whispered his name.
“Kitty, you don’t believe in this.”
She fought to keep control of the tears. The doctor held her arm.
“What is it, Kitty? I’m your doctor. Please tell me. How did you come to be pregnant with another man’s baby?”
Her sobs deepened. “I…I can’t say!”
“And how do you know it’s not your husband’s?”
“I just do. It happened during a time I wasn’t feeling well, so we… uh… we were sort of taking a…”
He frowned. “Of course, you were taking a break until you were over the flu you had a few months ago.”
She looked up at him, her eyes a well of grief. His eyes looked sad, and she knew in that moment that she could trust him.
“I could lose my practice. You could get hurt.”
She nodded. “If you help, I will never tell.”
He was quiet a long time. Then he grabbed a pen and a sheet of paper. “It wouldn’t be me.”
Her eyes widened.
He patted her leg. “Don’t worry. I would go with you,” he assured, “and I would attend the procedure if I approve it.”
“I see,” she said. Her stomach felt queasy.
“I want to do it.” And she knew she did. She was so desperate that she pushed her beliefs away and let her fear of losing Blake and disgracing her family outweigh her fear of the procedure.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“There are many risks,” he said. “Girls have actually died.”
She looked frightened but answered “yes” again.
“Kitty,” he said. “If I do this, you must first tell me who the father is.”
“Why?” she cried.
“Because I have to know the truth of this before I can feel right about it. Before I can approve it.”
She sniffled and slumped over as she sat across from him. Raising her eyes, she looked desperately in his direction.
“Will either one of us ever really feel right about it?” she choked.
“No.” He put his hand on Kitty’s cheek. “We’ll never feel right about it, but let’s face our consciences now.”
She nodded and took a full breath. Kitty couldn’t stop the tears pouring down her face, and then, to her surprise, tears trickled down the doctor’s cheeks too as, filled with shame, she told him about Mike and the vineyard that evening Blake was putting Ruby to sleep.
“I shouldn’t have gone for that walk.”
The doctor seemed overcome with emotion.
“Dear girl,” he said grasping both of her hands tightly. “I will keep your secret.”
A SECRET TOLD
Lucy
19
Kitty leaned heavily on her cane to push herself up from the blue velvet chair. I watched inconsolable tears roll down her cheeks as she walked to her room and shut the door softly, leaving me shocked and feeling helpless. I was still trying to fathom the fact that my grandmother had had an abortion.
What should I do? I wanted to rush in and hold her, but since the day Ruby died, I’d rarely been the one comforting Kitty. While I had always been free to cry and feel afraid, Kitty had been the rock who was sure and staid and made everything right. I couldn’t cry but was overcome with her loss.
How could I have missed seeing such terrible pain in Kitty? And how had she held it in for so many years? Had I been too wrapped up in myself to notice how Kitty felt?
I knew I needed to be the comforter, but I didn’t know how. I went to Kitty’s room and lowered myself onto the bed behind her, curling around her body. She reached back and took my hand, pulling it around her waist. I could feel her heart beating while my own was breaking for her.
We lay together in the silent room for a long time. I stared at the outlines of Kitty’s hats propped around the room on stands, her jewelry lined up neatly on a mirror lying flat on her dresser, and her scarves draped on pegs and the bedposts. Kitty had always been one to dress up with accessories, and now these things seemed to be part of her disguise instead of her fashion statement.
“Kitty,” I whispered.
She squeezed my hand in reply.
I took a breath, not sure what would help. “Kitty, I know it’s a horrible thing what you went through, but you aren’t a bad person.”
She didn’t say anything, so I continued, reaching for an answer that might make her forgive herself.
“These days, Kitty, you don’t have to suffer through stuff like this alone. Girls go to counseling; they work through it. Even families love them through it. When girls do this…”
She interrupted. “I’m no longer a girl, Lucy dear.”
I pressed my lips together and snuggled close to her, not sure how to respond to that.
“It was a long time ago, Kitty. Things are different now.”
“True,” she said. “But it seems like yesterday. It’s the real reason I kept you and Ruby from La Rosaleda. It’s the reason I can’t go back.”
“But,” I tried to reason, “it’s past. You can put it behind you. People’s mistakes aren’t as stigmatized these days as they once were, Kitty.”
“Some things will always hold a stigma, Lucy.”
“Yes, but you might be surprised how easily many people can accept your past.”
“Do you, Lucy? Accept my past?”
“It wasn’t your fault…was it?”
No, I reminded myself as I went over and over Kitty’s confession. She’d had no choice.
In order to forget about what had transpired, Kitty said she began to take long walks around the estate, feeling sure Mike wouldn’t dare approach the estate again. Even when he’d appeared with Charlotte around town, he seemed to go to great lengths to avoid her, Blake, and her father.
Most of the time Blake would go with her on her walks, but sometimes she’d walk alone, only the slightest bit nervous. On one particular August night, Blake had prompted her to have a few moments alone while he tucked Ruby in. She’d gratefully hugged her husband, kissed Ruby, and headed out of the house.
Shedding her shawl on the front porch, she’d set off across the yard with long strides. Beads of sweat had formed across her forehead by the time she stopped at the edge of the vines. She ran her fingers over a cluster of grapes nestled in the tendrils, still green and tight, before stepping around the end of the row and walking up the center.
She walked up and down the rows for quite some time, taking in the fullness of the fruits around her and watching the sunset over the edge of the fields. It felt good to get fresh air and enjoy the smell of the rich earth between her feet.
She heard the bell of the main building ring over the fields. He
r mother still used it to let the vineyard workers know they could go home if they hadn’t already. Those who didn’t have homes often joined her and Isaac for meals—picnic tables beside the main house covered with white cloths and bowls of food.
The bell echoed and died away, and Kitty reached down to remove her sandals. She dug her toes into the cool earth and breathed in the familiar smell of the grapevines—the scent filled her with warm thoughts of Blake and her parents—and then she wrinkled her nose at a different odor. What was that? Someone smoking a pipe?
She turned slowly, hoping to see her father.
Mike Larimer tipped his hat and smiled warmly, but ice flickered in his eyes. “You never speak to me anymore, Kitty.”
Her hand went to her chest, and she felt the slick spot where perspiration had gathered along her neckline. Panic crawled its way to the back of her neck, but she remained calm.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“And why is that?”
Kitty backed quickly to the edge of the vineyard where she might be in view of others.
“That’s what you said last time.” He grabbed her arm.
“You’ve already caused enough trouble in my life.”
“What do you mean?” His voice was harsh now. “I told you not to tell anyone.”
“I didn’t. What I mean…” Kitty trembled, wanting to run to her husband but wanting to let Mike Larimer know what he had caused.
“What I mean,” she said, her voice cracking in her throat, “is there was a baby.”
“A baby?” he asked, his face confused.
Silence grew heavier than the peace that usually settled across Frances-DiCamillo in the evening. She heard a rustle nearby.
Then a different but familiar voice, confused and angry, carried across the rows to her.
“A baby?” She turned to see Blake rounding the corner and walking toward them up through the rows of vines. She was relieved he’d decided to join her. Maybe he could… She paused and her heart fell. She knew what it looked like.
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