I’m so sorry, she cried inwardly.
I love you.
I love you more than you can ever know.
She looked down then for a long moment as Blake held the door of the restaurant open for her. When she finally met his eyes a second time, the pain that filled his was too big for her to acknowledge.
It was beyond an awkward moment when Stan reached out to shake Blake’s hand and introduce himself as her “boyfriend.”
Kitty was mortified at the look in Blake’s eyes. His face hardened, and he silently refused to extend his own hand but instead stepped through the door to go around Kitty. He paused as he passed close to her side, just long enough to brush her elbow softly with his fingertips.
Years of repressed passion for her husband rose and fell in a wave that nearly collapsed her. She felt his hand on her waist then, holding her up. Stan reached out before she could stop him and took her by the shoulders, turning her back into the restaurant. Blake turned and walked brusquely down the sidewalk, leaving Kitty to drown in the bottomless well of her own regret.
Blake’s touch had left her trembling.
She wanted to go after him and beg his forgiveness, so she tried to step away on shaky legs but was rooted to the spot by Stan’s hand on her arm.
“Well,” Stan snarled. “What’s his problem?”
“His problem is you,” Kitty snapped. The spell was broken. She stared at his ugly sneer and knew her life had become repulsive. She felt a moment of panic now as she thought of Blake, who had run away from her so fast that it was as if she were rubbish. What if Ruby did the same? What if she went back to La Rosaleda and decided she had no mother worth having? A cloud of memories and thoughts circled Kitty’s mind. What must Blake think of her? Had he noticed how sickly thin she was? How she’d cut the hair he’d loved so much?
She was concerned and for a moment thought maybe she could finally explain it to everyone and be forgiven. Only a few minutes had passed—maybe he wasn’t gone yet. She reached for the doorknob.
Stan grabbed her hand to pull her in.
“No,” Kitty said. “Leave me alone!”
She ran out the doors and stared in the direction Blake had gone. She could see his distant figure walking away quickly and wanted to cry out, but he was walking too fast. It was obvious he wanted a quick exit. This time he was the one running.
Tears poured from her eyes, betraying the tough, no-nonsense approach to life she’d worked so hard to portray. I am dead to him, she thought, feeling sixteen again, sitting in the blue velvet chair beside her mother, Freda, who had told her it was all okay, that she and her father loved her, and that she was special because she was God’s child.
Kitty didn’t feel like God’s child right now. She shuddered at the thought of her mother knowing how her life had become—desperate and faithless. God’s child would not have done what she did. No good child would have. She stared down the sidewalk where Blake was disappearing in the distance, knowing that Stan too had already taken off.
“Get out of the way, lady!” a man shouted as he bumped her arm.
Kitty didn’t care. She stood on the sidewalk, immobile, crying until she couldn’t cry anymore.
Later, when Kitty stood at Ruby’s apartment door, Ruby pulled her mother into her arms without a word.
It was then that Kitty really understood how lucky she was to have her Ruby.
21
The chance meeting with Blake seemed to have opened the floodgates to La Rosaleda even as Kitty continued to fight to keep them closed.
It was only a few months later that Ruby told Kitty the story of meeting her childhood friend Matt Larimer.
“And, Mother, as soon as he said my name aloud, I knew it was him! Can you imagine that? Matt! My friend Matt!”
Tears had glistened at the corners of her eyes at her revelation, and while Kitty’s breath was sucked out of her the same as it had been on the street when she’d seen her husband, she couldn’t tell Ruby not to see her friend. Hadn’t she been the one who’d ripped the two apart in the first place? Would they not have been the best of friends for years to come? Maybe the two would have grown up and married had she not taken Ruby away. Who knows, thought Kitty, what wonderful things she had kept from Ruby since the day she’d taken her away.
“Oh, Ruby.”
Kitty had pulled her to her chest then and wept. She cried for all she’d taken away from Ruby, and she knew she could not step in to take this away from her now. Her daughter had always longed for family, never believing what Kitty had said about her being all the family she needed. Matt was, in Ruby’s mind, family.
“I know about La Rosaleda now. I had forgotten the name, but as soon as I started talking to Matt I remembered. I just said, ‘How are things in La Rosaleda?’ And it was back, just like that.”
“I know,” Kitty said.
“No, not only the name of it, Mother. I remember all of it, and I want to go back.”
Kitty’s slight smile faded. “No,” she whispered, a quiet appeal.
Ruby had turned her head at an angle to stare at her mother, baffled. “What is in La Rosaleda, Mother? What is it you left behind besides Daddy?”
“I never wanted to leave your daddy, Ruby.”
“Then why?”
“Let’s leave it unsaid. You don’t want to know.”
Ruby had squeezed her hand.
“I do, Mother. I do.”
“No, it’s not something you need to hear.”
Ruby looked at Kitty, waiting, but Kitty only shook her head.
Ruby remained silent until Kitty, shoulders drooping in resignation, said slowly, “Can you keep it a secret, even from your friend Matt?”
“I promise.”
“From your father, if you are to ever see him?”
Ruby hesitated.
“He can’t know, Ruby.”
“Okay, I promise.”
And so Kitty told her, and it was Ruby’s turn to weep. And then after her tears had dried up, she still begged Kitty to go back with her and tell her secrets to Blake.
“He would understand! And besides, so much time has passed. You don’t know what has changed in his life that might make him accept this.”
“No, dear. I can’t. Not ever.”
“But what about Grandmother Freda? Don’t you miss her?”
Kitty stifled a sob.
Ruby had sat there, staring at the vase of red and yellow ranunculus bending from the vase to kiss the table. She reached over to grasp Kitty’s hand.
“I am sorry, Mother. I have been so selfish thinking you just wanted to leave Daddy, and I knew you were a good person, so I didn’t understand. I haven’t been very nice to you at times.”
Kitty smiled slightly, unable to speak.
“Don’t worry. I promised. I’ll keep your secret, but I won’t like it. I hope you’ll change your mind, but I won’t tell Daddy when I see him.”
Kitty’s shoulders dropped. “You’re still going back?”
“Please,” Ruby said. “I must. Please don’t take this from me, Mother.”
“Give me time.” The panic on Kitty’s face was unmistakable. “Give me time to think before you go. Don’t go until I have some more time.”
“Oh, Mother, please—”
“Please,” Kitty interrupted.
“I’ll wait, but it’s not fair.” She softened, seeing the tears again.
“I am so sorry for all of this, Mother. It’s worse than I ever imagined, but I still love you. I love you even more.”
Kitty began to worry every moment that Ruby would do something that would reveal all she had worked to hide for so many years. But Kitty knew she couldn’t keep Ruby from going back–Ruby was on her own now.
Kitty tried to prepare for the day when she would tell Ruby to go to La Rosaleda, but for some reason she could never bring herself to give Ruby her blessing. Each time she considered it, she was filled with a new fear that Blake would come for her and demand the
truth, and a more complicated fear filled her that he would do nothing at all now that he’d seen her with the other man’s hand on her waist in the city.
She worried so much because she knew Ruby’s love for her father would draw her back, even if it meant going against her promise to Kitty. And now Ruby had Matt in her life to escort her straight into her father’s arms—she didn’t even need Kitty’s help.
“Sit down,” Ruby said one Sunday. “I have a present for you.” She handed Kitty a box tied with a pretty bow.
Kitty tried to smile as she untangled the ribbon. Ruby said she’d brought it back from her weekend outing. She was happy for her daughter’s new friendship with Matt, even though he was a tie to La Rosaleda and all of Kitty’s secrets.
“Where are your roommates?” Kitty asked, suddenly noticing the silence. “Didn’t you all go away for the weekend together? They must be tired—”
“They’re still away, Mother.” Ruby’s face flushed red. “I was away on a trip with Matt.” Kitty stopped fussing with the ribbon.
“Relax, Mother. Nothing happened.”
“I didn’t even say anything,” said Kitty. “But I am your mother.”
“You didn’t have to say anything.” Ruby’s tone changed as she tried to switch the subject. “I like your hair that way. You look dressed up. Do you have a date?”
Kitty smoothed her dress in exasperation. It was a plain gold-colored sheath with a matching jacket and black pumps. She hated the styles these days and had to look in the nicer boutiques for the classic-cut dresses she lately preferred. Even then it was hard to find a color that wasn’t so trendy looking.
It was the same with haircuts, so she’d cut her hair into the same old bob style and had it highlighted so it was almost blond now. She reached up and flipped at the ends. Even then she didn’t like how trendy it looked. She hated to look like a woman in her forties trying to look like she was in her thirties. Of course, she hated looking forty as well.
“No.” She felt the frustration and anger rising again. “You know I stopped dating a long time ago.”
“A long time ago?” Ruby had followed Kitty into the bedroom to help her unpack.
“Yes, a year ago,” Kitty reminded Ruby.
“Yes. And your decision was long past due.”
Kitty stopped and looked at Ruby—hard. “I’m still your mother, and I can date any time I want.”
“You’ve certainly done that my whole life, haven’t you, Mother?”
Kitty, who had tried so hard to throw her mistakes behind her, flushed with shame. Even if she deserved it, she always felt hurt when Ruby talked to her so boldly.
Ruby knew it. “Let’s not talk about it,” she said more softly. “Let’s open your present.”
“Ruby, please promise you’ve not done something you’ll regret.”
Ruby looked away. “Mother, please open your present.”
It had been wrapped in red paper.
“An early Christmas present,” Ruby declared proudly.
“Oh, really?” Kitty tried to remain neutral, but she’d longed for the day when Ruby would stop pushing her away, and moments like this one reminded Kitty that they were still mother and daughter. “What is it?”
“It’s a surprise, but first I need to explain something.” Ruby paused a moment. “The gift is from Matt too, Mother.”
Kitty frowned. She was no longer touched. “A gift from Matt? What’s that boy up to?”
“Nothing, Mother. It’s a sort of peace offering.”
Kitty sighed. She hated that Matt felt a need to buy her a peace offering. Nothing was really his fault. It was the fact he was the son of the man who ruined her life that bothered her, as if Ruby were rubbing elbows with the enemy. In reality she knew Matt was a good young man just as he’d been a good boy, but Kitty worried constantly that he might have a touch of his father in him—or worse, that he would interfere with her efforts to keep La Rosaleda out of her life and Ruby’s.
Reluctantly, she opened the box.
“Well.” Kitty smiled in spite of herself, pulling at a fold of fabric that slid from the box. She stood up and held the orange and yellow kimono in front of her. “Beautiful,” she said, staring at the light yellow silk fabric with tiny orange flowers. Her fingers followed the line of the white satin piping, which glowed against her caramel skin. She wrapped it around her and cinched the waist. Kitty still had her shape, and more than once Ruby had lamented that she wished she’d gotten curves as great as her mother’s.
“Nonsense,” Kitty would say. “You’ve got more than enough. Besides, they just get in the way, don’t they?”
“The men don’t think so,” Ruby would respond.
Kitty would scoff. “I was dumb to…” She would fumble for words during those conversations.
Now Kitty was glad those days were over. Dating had been hard on her, a huge mistake. She’d had no right. Even if she wanted to pretend she had no past, she’d had no right to take it that far. She was glad to leave dating behind.
“It’s really lovely,” Kitty said as she stared at herself in the mirror that hung above the red velveteen couch. “I guess Matt is kind of sweet to have bought it for me. How did he know I would love this? Did you tell him?”
Ruby didn’t answer right away.
“Well?” Kitty pried. “Did you?”
“Well,” she said. “No. Actually Daddy helped him pick it out.”
Kitty whirled around and stared at her daughter in shock. She tried to speak, but no words would come. The room began to spin.
Ruby rushed over to her. “Mother, sit down. Just sit down and hear me out.”
“You…you went back…without telling me? I…I, uh…you shouldn’t have.”
“Mother, calm down.” Ruby was back on her feet.
“How dare you!” Kitty finally sputtered. “I left La Rosaleda behind for a good reason! I needed more time.”
“But you took too long, Mother.”
Kitty pointed a finger at her daughter. “That boy is no good, just like his father. Was this his idea? Does he want to humiliate me?”
“That’s not true!”
“Yes, it is. Boys always turn out like their fathers.”
“That’s not fair, Mother. Do girls turn out like their mothers then?” Ruby spat the words and Kitty stepped back.
Is this what Ruby was afraid of? “No,” she said finally. “You are nothing like your mother.”
“Oh, Mother.” Ruby tried to take Kitty’s arm, but Kitty shrugged her away.
“Please just sit down and listen for a minute!” Tears streamed down Ruby’s cheeks.
Kitty looked down at her, a much younger and more beautiful version of herself wearing jeans and a T-shirt. She looked a lot like Kitty these days, but her smile was still her daddy’s—the big beautiful smile, which Kitty rarely saw on her anymore. Right now Ruby’s pretty mouth was turned down in hurt, and every time she said “Daddy” Kitty felt like running out of the apartment. She sat back down and dug her hand into the loose, cheap fabric of the couch.
“I knew when you and Matt ran into each other that something like this would happen.”
“Why, Mother? Because he’s part of your secret past?” She emphasized secret like it was something ugly. And it was ugly.
“That’s exactly why. The two of you might have romantic notions about my going back to La Rosaleda, as if we can all go back and pick up where we left off. Well, Matthew Larimer doesn’t know everything he thinks he knows. Nobody does.”
“You told me! I understand, and I didn’t tell anybody. Not Matt and not Daddy. I would love for you to go back, Mother, but you don’t have to. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be allowed.”
Kitty stood up again and paced the living room, her hands wild. “How dare you go and stir things up for your father! I left so I could protect him!”
Ruby looked hurt. “Protect him? You think leaving him protected him? Mother, Matt asked if I wanted to visit La Rosaled
a, and I did. What do you expect? It’s where my home is, and you never let me contact Daddy—ever! Don’t forget, it is you who took me away!”
Kitty sat down, and Ruby offered her a tissue. She hadn’t realized she was crying but accepted the tissue and began to dab at the mascara streaking its way down her face.
Mother and daughter sat silent for a long time before Kitty spoke.
“Did you really see him?” Despite her dismay and fear over Ruby’s trip, so many questions were forming in her mind about Blake, her parents, and her home that she was afraid to ask.
Ruby sat down beside her. “So you do care, Mother.”
“Of course I do! Did you really see him?”
“Yes.”
“And…how is he?”
“He’s wonderful, Mother, just like I remembered. It was so–so like yesterday. He saw me, and I was in his arms and cried, Mother. Cried because he was holding me again.”
Kitty half smiled. “And where does he live?” She looked away, afraid to ask the obvious.
“At Frances-DiCamillo. Alone. He doesn’t have a girlfriend or anything if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Kitty looked up slowly. “Alone?”
Ruby reached out and touched her mother’s small hand. “Alone, Mother.” Ruby’s eyes filled with tears now too. “And I’m afraid I have terrible news. Grandma and Grandpa…” Ruby stopped. “Mother, they died in a plane crash seven years ago. Remember the one that went down over Maui?”
The words dazed Kitty. “My mother and—” She choked, and grief rocked her body.
Ruby didn’t know what to do except lean over and hold her mother.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I’m so sorry.”
Kitty struggled to breathe. How could she have left her parents without an explanation? How could she have let her mother and father die without saying good-bye? The guilt she’d carried for so many years fell down around her like the coffee cups that day she’d passed out from fatigue at the diner—they’d shattered and cracked in sharp jagged pieces, the handles lying unattached from their cups. That’s how she felt now, shattered and separate and unattached. She’d been so wrong.
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