And he knew about my mother and father. The realization sent flutters through my mind. He knew a lot about my mother and even some about my father.
I had a father, I realized. I knew he wasn’t the best father one could wish for, but he was out there. Did I want to find him too? Kitty would be angry, but it was my choice now, wasn’t it? It sounded as if Matt had a low opinion of George Fields, just as Kitty did, but I wondered if maybe he’d been jealous of George’s relationship with Ruby.
I ached to know the truth about my father, good or bad. I wanted to find him or lay him to rest in my heart. Maybe he wasn’t even alive, as Susannah had suggested. That would make sense because surely he might have searched for me if he was.
My thoughts rambled on until I turned the television off.
Of course, I thought, Kitty could have made it impossible for George Fields to contact me. If she could keep my grandfather away, then surely she could have kept someone who didn’t even know me away. Maybe Dr. Larimer would tell me more of what I needed to know. Maybe he wouldn’t keep holding on to secrets as Kitty did.
I wondered how much Dr. Larimer knew about Ruby’s death. Did he know I’d been poking around the morning she died, not getting her inhaler fast enough? My thoughts unwittingly went back to the remorseful feelings I’d been battling since I was so young. Thinking about those things always sent me back to the pit of grief.
My heart picked up its heavier beat again, and I leaned back in my chair, taking deep breaths and trying to be calm. I needed to train myself not to use the inhaler so much.
“Always stopping to smell the roses,” Kitty had often said to me.
Doing so had literally wasted precious time the day Ruby died. If only Kitty knew how true her teasing words had always been.
I coughed as I let my mind swim backward.
Every time Kitty mentioned something about Ruby that I couldn’t recall, I felt like a stranger staring through the windows of my own life. It tore at my soul.
I suddenly jumped up and reached again for the inhaler. Letting the medicine fill my passageways, I tried to relax.
I picked up one of the photographs and mused at how small I had been when the picture was taken. I was stronger now, I reminded myself. It was time I took control of my own memories, my own life.
Kitty found me sleeping on the couch the next morning, the photographs in my hands. She gently shook me.
“You’re going to tear them,” she said, softly prying the photographs away from me. She leaned over to place them back in the album.
“Do we have to keep hiding them?
She looked up, surprised.
“Well, I don’t know. I certainly don’t want to display them.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not married to him anymore. This picture is just a sad reminder of that fact.”
“I think Ruby was right. You are still married to him.”
“Lucy, that is a fantasy. You need to stop thinking that way.”
“No, it isn’t,” I said. “I think it’s the truth. If Blake knew where Ruby was, he must have known where you were. If he had divorced you, you would’ve received papers. He knows our address now of course, doesn’t he?”
She was quiet.
“You didn’t receive divorce papers, did you?” The thought had not really occurred to me before, and I was suddenly worried that this was another secret Kitty hadn’t told me about. She shook her head, and relief rushed through me.
“Then what? Did he tell Ruby something bad about you? Did he say he didn’t want to be married to you?”
“No,” she whispered. I noticed how tired her eyes were and knew her muscles must be screaming for rest. It was hard to imagine her as the woman she’d spent hours the evening before telling me about. She was still beautiful, but she seemed much older than her age as I watched her massage her wrists and rub her knees. Life had been hard on her. She had been hard on herself. I wondered why she just didn’t go back to La Rosaleda, take me with her, and accept help.
Because, I reminded myself, she either really believes he won’t take her back or doesn’t think she deserves it. She would punish herself by depriving herself of Blake’s love, of her La Rosaleda, where her heart now lived. And she would deprive me also whether she meant to or not. I eventually stood up and headed to my room.
“I’m sorry, Kitty. This is getting too hard.”
I turned around. She was crying and so was I. The sharp words died on the tip of my tongue. I took a breath.
“You say you want me to remember her, but you hold things back that might make a difference to me.”
“Only to protect you, Lucy. Some things will never make a difference, at least not one that matters. Believe me.”
I looked away.
“Kitty. I know this is hard for you. I can see that you don’t want to divulge every single thing, and you don’t have to. Please understand that I want—I need—to know, but I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“Yes. That’s exactly it, dear. I don’t want to divulge every single thing. I’m sorry, but you are going to be disappointed as you learn more. That is, if you aren’t already.” She sighed.
I already had my arms wrapped around her again. “I’m sorry. I would never judge you, Kitty. You are my grandmother.”
“You just don’t know. I have done terrible things. I’ve been part of horrible things.” She was now shaking and losing control, not like my usual calm Kitty. I squeezed her to me momentarily, and when I pulled away to look into her face, I grasped her arms. I could feel the bones just under her skin. Surprised, I squeezed her tighter. I’d never felt that deeply into Kitty before.
“Kitty,” I whispered. “You are too thin. You’ve lost an awful lot of weight!” I wondered how I hadn’t noticed before.
“Oh,” Kitty said. “Maybe. I guess that would explain why some of my clothes look sort of strange on me lately.” She tried to laugh, but it fell, a choking noise in the silent room.
“You’ve been worrying yourself sick over all of this, haven’t you?”
She laughed. “Dr. Larimer said losing a little weight would help my arthritis. Maybe it will keep it from getting worse before I really do get old.”
I reached down and picked up her cane, which she’d dropped when I hugged her. Once again I thought of how young she was to suffer from rheumatoid arthritis. It wasn’t all that bad now, but Dr. Larimer had said it would eventually get worse with age.
“I’m sorry I upset you, Kitty.”
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” She walked into the kitchen to start the tea.
While she puttered with breakfast, I took a long shower. This was the latest I’d slept in a long time, but I didn’t feel refreshed, only more exhausted. At breakfast Kitty and I were both quiet. As I cut into the sunny face of my eggs, I tried to concentrate on planning my day. If only it could be as bright as the yolk running out over the white plate, maybe I’d get out of the mood I was in.
I knew Kitty would spend the day gardening, so I thought I’d offer her some help. I also thought about calling Dr. Larimer but wasn’t sure if it would be appropriate to call his private cell number on a weekend when he was with his family. As I bit into my buttered toast, I decided against it.
I ended up spending the majority of Saturday and Sunday alternating between homework and gardening. By Sunday night I was so impatient about the loose ends of Ruby’s story that I risked calling Susannah to vent about it.
“Lucy! What a surprise. I’m so glad you called.” I could hear little Maria chattering in the background.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “You don’t have time to talk to me.”
“Yes, I do! Just let me get Maria settled with her daddy. Troy will put her to bed while I sit out on the back porch and talk with you. It’s such a nice night, and I need the fresh air anyway. Hold on.”
I waited as she shuffled around and finally announced that she was alone.
“What’s up w
ith you?” she asked.
I told her about my conversation with Dr. Larimer and the pictures and quietly shared the things Kitty had told me. I was on my back porch too, and even though I knew Kitty was getting ready for bed, I didn’t want her to hear me.
“Oh, my goodness,” was all Susannah could say.
“I know,” I said. “It’s a lot to take in. Imagine if you were me.”
“Oh, you poor thing,” she said. “Well, just take some deep breaths, and know that this too shall pass.”
“Huh?”
“The worry will all pass. And when it’s over, it will all make sense.”
I was silent, but I was thinking, Is that it? Is that the best advice she can give me?
“Lucy? Are you still there?”
“Yes. It’s just not that easy to do. I can’t just take a breath and wait for it to pass. It feels like I’m going crazy just thinking about it all.”
“Do you want to come over?” she offered.
I was touched. “No, but thanks. It’s nine. You have a family.”
“Yes,” she said. “But I can still be there for a friend. You can show up anytime.”
“Maybe another time.”
“Breakfast then?”
“That sounds great.”
“At Martha’s?”
“How about tomorrow?”
“Until then,” Susannah said, “don’t worry. Be excited! Just think, you’re learning so much about Ruby. And now it looks like you might have known your grandfather at one time too. It gives me shivers to think that you might see him again someday, Lucy!”
“I guess you’re right. Hey, Susannah. What about Mary? How is your mother?”
Susannah grew quiet. “Oh, she’s okay. Did you know Kitty has visited her a few times recently?”
I was surprised. “No, she hadn’t mentioned it.” I felt bad realizing that I’d been so focused on digging through the past that I hadn’t even thought to ask Kitty what she’d been doing with her time.
“Yes, and it’s really cheered my mother. I’m thankful for Kitty.”
“Well, I’m not surprised. She really spoke highly of Mary after they met.”
“Hey, Lucy, I’m not going to fill you full of my dreadful thoughts. My mother is so positive, and I want to be positive for her too. I’m trying not to be too down about it.”
“Okay,” I said. “I understand. Your being positive probably helps her too. I’ve heard that when people are positive they live longer.”
“Yeah,” she said quietly, her tone hopeful. “That is what they say.”
Hanging up the phone, I tried to be positive like Susannah. Even with all she was going through, she was still upbeat. And perhaps she was right about my learning about my grandfather. I should take some time to be excited about the new possibilities in my life, but it was Kitty’s life that made me worry. My decisions would now be the ones affecting her life instead of how it had always been.
Breathing in the night air, I caught the fragrance of Kitty’s roses. Actually they had been Ruby’s roses. The entire garden had been Ruby’s, and despite her problems with asthma, she had planted more and more. After hearing about La Rosaleda, I felt I knew why she had grown our garden to overabundance with roses and flowers. It was her way of having a piece of La Rosaleda in our backyard.
23
Good morning, dear! You’re already dressed? My goodness, you are in a hurry today!”
I turned to see Kitty holding two cups of tea. She wore her yellow robe with orange flowers, and by the look on her face I could see she held no grudge against me. She was still my Kitty, just like always.
“Thank you!” I accepted the cup and breathed in the fragrance of Earl Grey. “This is exactly what I needed.”
“It’s what you need every morning, silly.”
“This morning more than usual.”
Kitty frowned as she slowly sat down beside me. I saw her shiver and realized the morning was especially cool. Before long we’d have to drink our tea inside during the short Sacramento winter.
“I’m sorry for being grumpy with you last night, Kitty.”
“Oh,” she said, “you need to be grumpier than that if you’re going to bother me. Besides, I understand. You need to know, even if it’s hard for me to dredge through it all.”
“The more I know, the closer I get to remembering something. Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do for years, Kitty? Get me to remember?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean we tear apart the good life we have now. Must we really dig so deep? Maybe some things are okay to forget.”
I was hurt. Maybe she wasn’t back to herself after all. I felt my cheery mood shifting.
“So it’s okay for me to know things, just as long as I don’t dig too deep into your secrets?” I accused.
I stood abruptly. I was angry, but I wanted to soften the blow. “I love you, Kitty. I have to go to school now.”
I slid open the glass door, and when I glanced from inside out to the porch, I thought I saw tears on the side of her face. However it could have just been the rising sun reflecting off her earrings, so I didn’t go back. I pushed my concern away and headed out the front door to join Susannah for breakfast at Martha’s. I tried to ignore the guilt that swelled inside.
“How’d you manage to get away this morning?” I asked after we were seated. I glanced around; Martha herself wasn’t at the restaurant that morning. Too bad, I thought. Service was always more pleasant when she was around.
“Troy has the morning off to run some personal errands, so he volunteered to take Maria to school.”
“You are so lucky to have him.”
She smiled as pink crept into her cheeks.
“I am. He is just the best, but I have to be honest with you. Marriage takes a lot of work. Even ours.”
I nodded, not really knowing but believing her.
“I wonder what Kitty and Blake fought about?” I asked. “When and if they did, that is. It sounds like they didn’t fight very often.”
“Probably not until Ruby came along.” Susannah laughed. “Kids always complicate things even though they’re a joy to have around. How is Kitty today?”
I sighed. “Not well. She’s worried sick about everything. I know I’ve been full of too many questions, but it’s hard not to ask them.”
Susannah patted my hand. “It is her story to tell or not tell, Lucy.”
I tried not to roll my eyes as I listened to her explain why Kitty had a right to keep some parts of her life to herself.
“But that’s not fair,” I pointed out. “Those secrets affect me in very important ways.”
“Life certainly hasn’t been fair to Kitty, has it?”
I attempted a laugh to ease the sudden tension. “Whose side are you on anyway?”
Susannah didn’t laugh. “I’m on both your sides, Lucy. Only you two can figure all of this out. I agree with you that it might be better for both of you if the truth comes out, but you can’t force Kitty to tell you everything any more than she can force you to remember Ruby.”
I bit my lip so I wouldn’t say anything unkind. Her words were burrowing into just the right wounds.
“But even though you shouldn’t force Kitty to tell you things about herself, that doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to meet your grandfather now that you know about him. I would even take you to La Rosaleda, Lucy, if you really want to go.”
“Maybe,” I said. “Perhaps someday.”
She tried changing the subject. “So how are things with you and Max?”
Now it was my turn to blush. “Great,” I said quietly.
“Well, from the way you both looked Friday night, I would say more than great.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I said. “I’m not starting out with much faith in the situation. Seems my family has a history of bad relationships with men.”
“What about Blake? Isn’t he a good example? He and Kitty had a great relationship.”
“Mmm. I guess they did, but it didn’t work out, did it?”
“Maybe it’s not over.”
“It’s like you just said. It’s her story, so it’s her choice. I don’t know. I already asked her to go back to La Rosaleda to see what might happen with my grandfather, and I thought she was going to throw her teacup into the air.”
“That’s so sad. I hope she changes her mind someday. But what about you? Seriously, Lucy. I would go with you! Let’s go this weekend!”
“Now I’m going to throw my cup. Wow! Would you really go with me?”
“I would love to. Just sell me the rights to your story so I can handle the movie.” We both laughed.
“Like I said. Someday.”
24
I sat staring into the kitchen at the roses Max had given me. They were still fairly fresh, and I didn’t have the heart to throw them out yet. They made me think of the roses Blake had planted around his and Kitty’s house. I wondered if they were still growing over the porch like Ruby had once described to Kitty.
“Do you ever miss Blake?” I asked.
“Only every minute of my life.”
“Do you think he misses you?”
“Yes, but he misses the Kitty he thought I was. If he knew who I really am now, he would know he hasn’t missed anything at all.”
“Oh, Kitty. I have a hard time believing that.”
She stood. “Speaking of your grandfather, wait here. I have something to show you.”
She disappeared for a few minutes before returning with two envelopes and a blue floral hatbox in her hand. As she handed one envelope to me, I noticed it was yellowed and creased. The handwriting on the envelope was addressed to Kitty in care of Ruby DiCamillo. The return address was from Frances-DiCamillo Vineyards, La Rosaleda, California.
I looked up at her wide eyed. “Is it from my grandfather?”
“Yes.” The look in her eyes held an apology but was distant. She sat down and focused on her hands in her lap, massaging them like she did when they were in pain.
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