by Nancee Cain
Nights have always been hardest for me. Like pain, my delusions seem exaggerated at the fall of darkness, as if they are too shadowy to deal with by light of day. I saw both Jack and Daddy, and I know in my heart today was significant. It was like a closure of some sort, and sorrow hangs over me like the smell of incense on Easter Sunday. It lingers in the air, and I grieve my losses all over again, but without the usual sense of despair. A frustrated sigh escapes my lips, and I roll over so my back faces Remi. I squeeze my eyes shut and a lone tear makes its way down my heated cheek. Although I’m sharing a room with another human being and a dog, I’ve never felt so alone. Does he regret the kiss? Probably.
Remi turns the air conditioner back on and I feel the bed dip with his weight. Feigning sleep, I attempt to even my breathing despite an overwhelming urge to reach up and take hold of his strong, comforting hand. I need to feel connected to someone. Wrong and forbidden as it is, I long to feel his arms around me, his lips on mine. If God exists, He has one sick sense of humor. Why else would I be attracted to this man? As he has done every night, Remi offers a quiet blessing over me. His warm hand strokes the back of my hair. His touch is my demise.
“Please, don’t.”
“Don’t what, sweetness?” His husky voice holds all the promises I want, and know he can’t, and shouldn’t deliver.
“Just go away and leave me alone. I’m already damned to hell.”
The scent of Christmas moves closer as he whispers in my ear, “But I thought you weren’t a believer.” His soft chuckle pushes the button on my frayed temper. I sit up and wrap my arms around his neck, pressing my body into his bare chest, wanting there to be no space between us. My lips crash into his, exploring his beautiful mouth. He’s right, if I don’t believe how can this be wrong? Or if I’m insane, how can I be held accountable?
He doesn’t move for a few seconds and it’s just enough time for me to regret my impulsive move. Shame pulls me away, and I hide my face in my hands.
Remi stretches out beside me and gently pushes me back, rolling me to my side, facing him. He brushes the hair from my eyes and his thumb sweeps across my lips.
“I’m sorry, Father,” I whisper.
“Remi. I’m not,” he whispers in return. My eyes widen as his lips capture mine. One hand strokes its way down my body, creeping under my T-shirt and up my back, pulling me closer. His touch leaves a trail of fire on my skin as our souls connect on some cosmic level. Two becoming one. I’ve always thought it meant the physical act. I now know it is so much more. It’s the twisting of our very being into one like the coils of DNA or barbed wire.
I loved Jack, and I’m sure he loved me. But he hadn’t loved me enough. He hadn’t loved me enough to wait for me, or perhaps he’d loved me too much. Who knows? All of that is irrelevant now. He’s gone. He’s my past.
This love I’m sharing with Remi can’t be measured, or compared. And it isn’t just lust, although I have a healthy desire for this man beside me. No, I want more. I need more. Lying here with him, I realize love is so much more than silly words or actions. It is all encompassing and unfathomable until experienced. It is darkness intertwined with light, good with evil.
The kiss deepens and his tongue explores my mouth and a moan sounds, but whether it’s his, or mine I can’t say. We are no longer two separate entities. One last shard of guilt spears my conscience in a weak attempt at stopping the inevitable.
“Remi, I don’t think—”
His fingers rest on my mouth and I see fire blazing in his eyes. “Then don’t. If we do this, we do this without recriminations or regrets. We do it for love. Yes, I said it, and you need to hear it, and more importantly, believe it. I love you, Evangeline. Tonight there are no labels; we’re just two people who need each other for a few stolen moments.” His lips smile against my forehead. “And you have to promise to never kill yourself, because your life is precious to me.” As the storm outside escalates, an inner sense of calm settles on the inside. I kiss his fingertips and he rolls over on top of me.
“Promise me and mean it.” His lips skim my jaw. “No matter what the future holds, you have to carry on. You have to live. You’re strong enough to live, Evie.”
At this precise moment, I’d do anything he asked, even if it means we only have one night of heaven in exchange for a lifetime of hell. “I promise,” I whisper in his ear. “I love you, and I need you.”
He pauses and looks down at me, the back of his fingers stroking my cheek. “I feel the same way, but I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
“That’s weird. Because all I can think about right now is how much I want to take advantage of you.” I grin and lick his jaw.
“You have to understand; I don’t know what the future holds for us. I can’t promise you anything.”
“I understand, now quit stalling.”
He chuckles. “Crazy, impatient girl, come fly with me, and I’ll show you a glimpse of real heaven.” He peels my T-shirt off over my head and it floats to the floor. The dusting of coarse hairs on his chest tickles my nipples, making them pebble to the point of aching. An overwhelming need for this beautiful man courses through every cell in my body.
This need to connect, to be loved, to be one with him in mind, body and soul has developed over the past few days and now explodes with his touch and his kisses. He kisses my neck and I arch to give him greater access. His hands explore my body like a blind man reading Braille, sending a current of raw desire straight to my core. My fingers tangle in his tousled, damp hair and the sound of my soft moans mingle with his heavy breathing, filling the air with the seductive sound of lust.
“You’re so beautiful, and you’ve changed me in more ways than you can comprehend. I’ll never, ever forget you. When I look into your eyes, I see your truth, and your truth is good and pure. You never cease to amaze me or amuse me.” He kisses my chest over my heart. Feeling shy and nervous, I roll my eyes, but inside I’m soaring with happiness over his words. I’m not bad. He wouldn’t love me if I were bad.
“You won’t believe me, but you have the biggest, kindest heart of anyone I know. You think you’re wicked but you’re the polar opposite. You’re not crazy. You’re not bad.” He grins and nips my hard nipple, making me gasp. “Although you’re definitely naughty. I like that about you. A lot. You’re the love of my heart, my soul, and my life. If you remember nothing else, I will make sure you remember this, you are worthy of love.”
The raw emotion and tender words leave me speechless.
“You have my love, and you own my heart.” His lips find mine, demanding yet tender as they tease and taunt my mouth in a give and take primal dance. “Do you have any idea the fantasies I’ve had over these full lips? They drive me insane with desire. One sweet smile from you can light up my world and at the same time lead me down a forbidden, dark path of carnal desire.”
When I start to protest, he places a finger over my lips and whispers, “Hush. I’m not afraid of the dark, and forbidden fruit is my favorite dessert.”
His lips move to my closed eyelids and he places a gentle kiss on each one. “I love the way your eyes soften when you look at that stupid mutt. And the way you roll them when you think I’m not looking.” I open my eyes and he smiles at me. “And the way your pupils overtake your irises when you kiss me. I love you, Evangeline. I love you so damn much it hurts. I know we’ve only known each other a few days, but you’re part of me. You’re mine and I’ll fight through heaven and hell to make sure you know how much you mean to me.” Fire simmers in his eyes, but I’m not scared.
I murmur, “I love you, too. I didn’t think I was capable of loving again. I didn’t think anyone would ever love me…” I can’t speak for a moment—his words have seduced me more than his skillful hands and lips. “But you do. You love me, all of me, even the parts of me that aren’t lovable. You’ve shown me life is worth living and one moment with you is a lifetime and so very precious.”
His hands skim down my sides
as his tongue pays attention to my needy breasts. My yoga pants soon follow my T-shirt. I should feel shame, but I don’t. He isn’t Father Blackson. He’s Remi, my lover and my savior. I will worship him with my body and live in the moment, embracing life. I will be his sacrificial lamb if need be. The God of my childhood, the one Remi serves, might damn us in the end, but it will be worth it.
His tongue dips into my belly button and I laugh nervously. My giggles are soon replaced by a sigh when he smiles against my skin as he explores every inch with his perfect lips. I hold my breath with fear when his hands trace the scars on my stomach.
“They’re ugly,” I choke out, attempting to cover them with my hands.
He moves my hands and his lips trace the scars lower and lower. “No, they’re not. I think of them as a road map to something better,” he teases. Light, soft strokes from his fingers skitter across my ribcage making me squeal so loud, Goner wakes up and barks a warning. Leaping off the other bed, the dog shoves his cold wet nose in my side, and I scream with laughter.
Remi shoves the mutt away with a laugh and covers my mouth with his hand. “Shh, you’ll get us thrown out. I’m pretty sure this is a lot more comfortable than the backseat of a car, because regardless of where we do it, I refuse to stop.”
I frown and turn serious. “I can’t have babies. And I don’t have any protection, but I’m clean. I get tested—”
“We’re fine. No worries,” he whispers as he skims my panties off and drops them to the floor.
I scramble to sit up, bringing him with me. My legs wrap around his waist, his hard erection presses and teases me with only his thin pajama pants separating us. His hands grasp my waist and our foreheads touch as we gaze at each other by the hint of light in the room.
“Don’t tickle.” I bite his full lower lip for emphasis. He chuckles and I rock against him and damn near explode on contact.
“Hush, or I’ll do precisely that, with you tied to the bed and unable to move.”
I gasp with a combination of surprise, longing, and dread. “Please, no tickling.”
His laughter rumbles deep in his chest. “Are you saying no tickling, but the other is okay?”
I bury my face in his neck and pray my burning cheeks don’t scorch his skin.
“Want a side order of flagellation with your bondage?” he teases.
“W-What?” I freeze in a combination of fear and curiosity until I peek at him and see the smirk on his beloved face.
“Silly girl, I’m not a Brother of the Cross. No worries.”
I smack him on the back. “You have on entirely too many clothes.”
“Oh that can be remedied, very easily.” Fire simmers in his eyes and this time I know I’m not imagining it. I blink and it remains, flaring as he gazes at my naked body with a look of undeniable lust and longing. It’s like gazing at a wildfire burning out of control as it engulfs a green field.
“Remi—” All further thoughts escape me as he flips me on my back and stands, shucking his pajamas to the floor. I’ve seen beautiful men before—those airbrushed, Photoshopped models and actors in magazines and on the Internet—but I’ve never seen anything like him. He’s almost too much to take in and a blinding light surrounds him, making it difficult to keep my eyes open and focused on him. He moves to turn out the light in the bathroom and my breathing stops as my eyes sweep up and down every perfect inch of his carved body.
But it’s the dark wings expanding from his back that render me speechless. The bed dips with his weight and I scoot toward the headboard pulling the sheet up around me as if it can shield me from whatever is about to occur. My voice breaks in a hoarse whisper as my heart pounds like a jackhammer in my chest. “What are you? Who are you?”
His hand brushes down the side of my head and moves to behind my neck. The fire in his eyes dies down and burns red, like smoldering hot coals. His warm breath fans across my cheek fueling my desire. “I’m yours,” he whispers. “Close your eyes, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I love you.” His reassurances seem to hypnotize me as he pulls the sheet away. There’s no way I could refuse him if I wanted to.
“Are you real?”
“Learn to trust yourself, Evangeline.” Remi stretches out beside me on his back and pulls me on top of him. He pushes my hair behind my ear and cups my cheeks in his hands. “You have a choice. You always do. We can stop this right now.”
“No! I don’t want to stop. I just don’t understand…you have wings, and sometimes I see fire in your eyes.”
“I love you, Evangeline.”
I run my fingers across his rough jaw line, my thumb dipping into the hollow of his cheek. There’s no light in the room and yet he seems to be bathed in an incandescent glow. “You never answer my questions. Answer me just one. Are you real?” Please be real. More than anything, I want him to be real and to be mine, if only for this one night.
“Yes, I’m real, just different.”
Throwing caution to the wind, I kiss him soundly. His skin is warm, his lips soft and inviting. If this isn’t real, I don’t care. I need him as much as I need air to breathe, and water to survive. I want to live in the moment, even if it means spending the rest of my life in the darkness of my mind. “I know loving you is wrong, but I don’t care…”
Laughter fills the room as he rolls over on top of me. “I’m not going to lie to you. This is wrong on so many levels, it’s epic in proportion. The earth may very well move off its axis and swallow us whole.”
He brushes my hair from my face and the fire once again burns brightly in his eyes. In their depths I see my fear explode and dissipate. My fingers rake down his back, finding only hard muscles and skin as his lips devour mine. He consumes me like an expensive meal, taking his time to taste and appreciate. His hands skim down my body and his warm mouth follows. And when his lips and talented tongue delve into my essence, I do indeed soar to heaven before crashing back to reality onto a bed as soft as feathers.
Remi travels leisurely up the length of my body, his hands and lips leaving no inch untouched, marking me as his. I run my fingers through his disheveled brown hair and whisper, “I need more.”
“Tsk, tsk, greed is a sin, Evangeline.” He teases and taunts my hardened nipple with his wicked tongue.
“So is lust. I guess we’re both damned.”
“No, we’re blessed because we have each other. Tonight, we are one.” His hands grasp mine and holding them over my head, his lips cover mine as he buries himself deep inside me, completing me. Making me whole. My body echoes every move he makes. Effortlessly, we move as one. Our breathing becomes synchronized, our bodies in tune with one another. We soar and yet are immersed in one another, reaching a height of connection I’ve never felt with another human being. It’s exhilarating and scary, like that damn Ferris wheel.
I’m falling, but I’m not afraid.
And when I climax, I die just a little.
And begin to live.
He rolls to his back bringing me with him. With my head on his chest, I listen as his heart rate slows. He strokes lazy circles on my back as we slowly descend from heaven back to earth.
I kiss the cross that lies against his heart and whisper fiercely, “He’s mine.”
“He knows,” he agrees with a note of sadness.
When we’re able to move, we shower, once again exploring each other’s bodies. He gasps when I cup him and feeling powerful, I smile and stare into those fathomless green eyes.
“Just taking life by the balls,” I tease, sinking to my knees under the spray of water, trailing kisses down his chiseled wet body.
“It’s the only way to live,” he agrees, laughing until my mouth makes it where he can no longer speak in intelligible words.
Afterward, we cuddle and as I drift to sleep, he whispers, “I love you, Evangeline.”
Lying with my girl in my arms, I feel replete and at peace for the first time, ever. She sighs softly and snuggles in, purring in her slumber. I stroke her soft ha
ir, watching a curl wrap around my finger. I don’t want this to end. I love watching her sleep. It’s the only time she’s truly relaxed. As my mind works over the consequences of my actions, I sigh as cold, stark fear encompasses me. The high from making love to Evangeline has dissipated like adrenaline after a marathon race. Reality crashes down around me. What I have done is so wrong I can’t even begin to fathom the depth of my depravity. I love her, but I can’t have her. Truth be told, I’m no better than Jack.
Earlier, the Boss bent my ear with a thirty-minute tirade. To say He’s unhappy with my behavior would be the understatement of the millennium. When He expresses His disappointment by throwing your name in with Judas, you’re in deep shit. He’s given me forty-eight hours to right my so-called wrongs or face the wrath of Him face-to-face. I argued with Him to no avail and selfishly forged ahead with my own desires and plans, not thinking about the consequences. Free will, the very thing I longed for, has now damned me.
My phone buzzes with an incoming text and my heart sinks.
We need to talk. Rectify this situation ASAP.
I delete the message and cold, stark fear now oozes into my conscience. I didn’t think about how my actions will impact the woman I love. Breaking four out of seven deadly sins in a matter of hours and placing her in danger is unforgivable. This isn’t buyer’s remorse. This is serious shit and there’s only one thing I can do to try to rectify the situation, and it’s killing me. I have to protect her and face the consequences of my actions on my own.
I hold her close and kiss her forehead, her eyelids. My mouth closes over her soft lips. She smiles sleepily at me and returns the kiss, without waking from her deep sleep and dreams. Leaning in I whisper in her ear, “I love you, Evangeline. When you wake, you will think this was a dream.”