by Nancee Cain
He sits up and hangs his head. “No. No, you don’t understand. You can’t possibly.” When he looks up at me the torment and pain I’m feeling is there in his eyes the color of a stormy sea. I get the sense of what it must be like to view a battlefield after a skirmish. Grief, death and despair reside there. It threatens to devour both of us, and I can’t stand to see him in pain. We’re so connected it sucks the breath out of me. I’ll do anything to alleviate it, even if it means letting him go back to his God.
Peace settles over me as I’m finally able to take in some much needed oxygen, and I smile through my unshed tears. “I’ll be okay. I promise.”
He stamps out his cigarette and pulls me into his arms. “I know you will.”
“Promise me one thing?” I trace the outline of the cross on his chest.
Remi freezes for a moment. “Anything.”
“Never forget me. That’s my third wish.”
“No way in hell. You’re like that song, unforgettable.” He picks me up and holds me in his lap, as if he’s scared I’ll disappear if he lets go. After cuddling for a few minutes, he carries me to the bathroom. “What are you doing?” I nuzzle his neck, enjoying the roughness of his five o’clock shadow and the smell of his skin.
“One of our wishes can be fulfilled tonight and luckily it’s mine.”
“We don’t have any ice cream.”
He throws his head back and laughs, pinching my bottom for good measure. “I was referring to dancing in the moonlight, silly. But now that you mention it, we can stop and pick up some ice cream on the way home. Let’s get cleaned up and go throw down some moves.” He kisses my nose and pulls me into the cold shower with him. I scream and squirm in his arms, trying to get away from the icy onslaught.
“Shh.” His mouth covers mine in an attempt to hush me. It’s late, and he’s right, we don’t want to be thrown out of our room. He has me pinned against the wall of the shower, taking the brunt of the cold water on his back. My breasts ache for his touch, and the feel of his need for me at my entrance heightens my arousal. I’m no longer cold. I’m on fire to be one with this man.
“I can’t get enough of you, Evangeline. You make me insatiable,” he murmurs in my ear as he drives into me. This isn’t the tender love making we’ve just experienced over the past couple of hours. This is wild, desperate and primal. He’s fierce in his onslaught and my fingernails rake his back. He moans as he savagely hammers into me against the shower wall. He reaches between us and murmurs in my ear, “Let go and fly, my love.”
His touch sends me over the edge and shatters me into a million pieces. My love for him is infinite, indescribable. He’s mine, and yet he isn’t. His heart belongs to an entity with which I can’t compete. Ironically, I call His name when I orgasm.
He follows me with a shout and nip to my shoulder, his body shuddering before stilling. Our ragged breathing fills the air as the water from the shower washes away the sweat on our bodies. I shiver, and he blindly reaches behind him, switching it to warm. The sight of his haunted face filled with unmitigated fear distresses me. I watch with a mixture of horror and disbelief as he falls to his knees and buries his head in my waist, wrapping his arms around me, holding me so tight it’s almost painful.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me…”
I am the worst kind of bastard. Selfish. Undisciplined. Unscrupulous. The list can go on forever and still not come close to describing what a douchebag I am. I’ve used my free will and pretended that everything will be okay in the end, but it won’t. Raphael was right. I’ve wronged Evangeline and used her like countless others in her short life. This sin is unforgivable. Through my lies and actions, I’ve blasphemed the woman I love. Eternal separation from her will be my personal hell. I bury my face in her sweet skin and weep repentant tears, not daring to hope for her forgiveness. I tried to talk to her earlier, to confess. But she wouldn’t listen and quite honestly, I didn’t press the issue, because I can’t bear the thought of her hating me.
Please, God. Take care of her. This is my fault, all of it. Punish me, but spare her and send her someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved.
She’s my everything.
My heaven.
My hell.
My torment.
My heart.
My love.
Of course, I don’t get an answer. I didn’t really expect one.
“Remi.” Her hand runs through my hair. The water continues to beat down on my back. It helps to contain my wings. I need all the help I can get at the moment because I’m seriously losing my shit, and He isn’t offering any help. I guess I pushed Him too far this time.
“Remi, stop. No tears, remember? You said you’d take me dancing. I want to dance in the moonlight with you.”
I remain on my knees, my arms wrapped around her wet, soft waist. I kiss her visible scars, knowing I’ll be leaving far worse invisible ones. “Please forgive me, Evangeline. God, I’m so sorry. I’m the biggest shit to have ever walked the face of the earth. I’m no better than Jack. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” How I wish things could be different. She deserves a better life. A good life, one full of love and laughter and a man that won’t lie to her.
“Please, Remi—” One of her hands plays with my wet hair and the other grips my shoulder. “Stop.”
“I don’t deserve it, I know I don’t, but please, please don’t hate me. I’ll tell you everything…” I can’t bear to look up and see either the pain or revulsion in her beautiful chocolate eyes. I hold on to her like I’m afraid she’ll slip down the drain if I let go. She’s my lifeline and my grasp is tenuous, at best.
“Look at me.” Her hands cup my face and she kisses my forehead.
I swallow and reluctantly look up. Tears stand on the precipice of her warm, loving eyes, and her smile is tinged with sadness. She nudges me a little and scoots down the back of the shower wall and kneels, facing me. Her arms wrap around my neck. “I can never forgive you.”
With this pronouncement my heart explodes leaving a gaping hole in my chest. The emptiness surrounding me is like being in a cold, dark cave.
I close my eyes and swallow the lump of regrets in my throat. “I understand.”
“No, you don’t. I can never forgive you, because there is nothing to forgive you for.”
My eyes fly open and search hers. I see only love reflected there, but my mind still can’t quite encompass what she’s saying. “What? No, you have no idea what I’ve done, what’s going to happen when I leave…”
“I don’t care. If you’ve taught me nothing else, you’ve taught me to live in the moment. Our lives are just a series of moments strung together like lights on a Christmas tree. You’re the light at the top of the tree, the one in the star, shining bright and strong. You brought me out of my darkness. Other lights on my strand had burned out, and I was ready to pull the proverbial plug and throw it away. But not now, because I’ve learned that even if one bulb goes out, it’s okay. There are other options. You can stand back and rearrange, or replace the bulb…or just simply let it be.” She brushes the wet hair out of my eyes and I turn my cheek to her palm, placing a tender kiss on it. I’m moved by her sweet, innocent spirit, and undeserving of her love, yet grateful nonetheless.
“You were never mine. Jack was never mine. People can’t be owned. They’re on loan to us for however long it’s meant to be. Your God needs you. You have a job to do. I don’t like it, but I understand. I don’t know that I believe in Him, but for the first time in a long time, I believe there is something more than this thing we call life. And maybe, if I’m lucky, someday our paths will cross again.
“Please, Remi, I don’t want to spend our last few moments with regrets about the past or worries about the future. I want to dance in the moonlight with you, and live in the moment.”
Her heart-spoken words, although they have an air of finality to them, also give me hope. She’s more than my love. She’s my salvation, my inspir
ation. She completes me. One second with her is worth any consequences. I’m going to take her dancing. And then I’m going to tell her everything. She’s wrong on one thing, though.
Evangeline Lourdes Salvatore owns me. Every last piece of me belongs to her. I pull my sweet girl to me and kiss her as the water in the shower turns cold once again.
Chapter Sixteen
HE’S BROUGHT A BLANKET and his phone. Goner sleeps in the backseat as Remi finds a secluded spot off a main road and pulls over. I’m wearing my red dress and heels, which won’t be very practical in this terrain, but it’s what he wanted. This is his wish, after all. We’re once again living in the moment, although the quiet sense of desperation still remains.
He cuts the engine and smiles as he takes my hand in his. “Dance with me, sweetness?”
“I’d love to.” I give his hand a squeeze and open the car door, illuminating us with the overhead light.
“Damn.”
“Huh?” I look back at him, confused.
“You give in too easily. I wanted to lure you with the promise of chocolate ice cream later.” He winks, and I burst out laughing.
I shake my head as we get out of the car. “Next you’ll want me to be a naughty schoolgirl with the requisite plaid skirt uniform.”
“Rats. I should’ve made that a wish. Have you been a bad girl, Evangeline?” The teasing hope in his voice lightens the mood. He opens the sunroof and lowers the windows so we can hear the music.
I snicker. “I think you already know the answer to that, Father.”
When he plugs in his phone, soft romantic music plays instead of his usual rock and roll. “No collar tonight, Crazy Girl. Come on.”
The full moon is dropping in the velvet sky and millions of stars surround us because we’re so far away from any city lights. It looks and feels magical out here. Pulling me into his arms, he takes the back of his fingers and grazes them along my jawline before placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. He draws me close and I tuck my head under his chin as he moves us in a sensuous, slow dance as Nat King Cole sings “Unforgettable.”
He’s a wonderful dancer, which makes up for my lack of grace, especially in heels on rocky ground. He dips and spins and then chuckles when I squeal with surprise. I wrap my arms around his neck and his forehead presses to mine as I mold my body to his. We fit together like puzzle pieces. Together, we complete one another.
“It’s true, you know,” he whispers. “You’re unforgettable, Crazy Girl. And I mean that in a good way.”
I cup his cheek and gaze into the face of the man I love, the man ingrained into my soul. “I love you and I’ll never forget you.”
He sighs and pulls me even closer, burying his face in my hair. “I wish that were true.” The sadness in his voice tugs at my fragile heart.
His phone starts playing the theme from Charlie’s Angels. He reaches in the car and turns it off with a sigh.
“Remi, I know we can’t be together, but I mean, maybe, we could…” I shrug and lower my eyes. “Keep in touch. Just as friends, of course.”
I peer up at him and his eyes appear troubled, his face haggard under the moonlight. I see it again, that fire deep in his eyes. The air around us stirs with the sound of rustling feathers and something dark flutters and folds behind him. My heart hammers in my chest and I can’t breathe. Hallucination, delusion, imagination, I don’t care what this is. I want to be his whether he’s real or not. And I want the truth, no matter the cost.
My mouth is as dry as the desert sand beneath my feet. “I want you to be honest with me. Am I losing my mind? Are you real? If not, what are you?”
A shadow of a smile plays across his lips and the flames in his eyes dance. “Yes, I’m real.” He grabs my hand and pulls me to him, his breath fanning across my cheek. “Come here. I’m going to kiss you until you acknowledge I’m real.”
His lips make contact with that ticklish spot behind my ear and I moan, but I’m determined to not let him sidetrack me. If I’ve totally lost it, fine. I’ll spend the rest of my days in an asylum weaving baskets and drooling in a zombie-like state. But right here, right now, I’m going to learn the truth.
I shove him away. “Answer me! What. Are. You? A delusion? A hallucination?”
“Let me show you something, and then I’ll tell you everything,” he begs. The excitement on his face looks like a kid’s on Christmas morning. Huge, black wings slowly fan behind him. The fading moonlight makes the highlights of his hair glint like a nimbus.
My eyes widen and I step back. An ethereal light from within brightens his face and my knees wobble in a vain attempt to hold me upright. Tears stream down my face and I turn away, sobbing into my hands. He’s behind me, holding me, and it’s his strong, arms, not wings that enfold me, holding me close.
“Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay, Evangeline.”
My knees buckle and he catches me. “You’re not real…You can’t be real…” I’ve truly jumped the tracks into a full-blown psychotic state. I’m terrified and pissed at the same time.
“No. You’re wrong. I’m very real. That’s my point and what I’m trying to prove to you. You’re not crazy. These things you see, they’re all real, just of another realm.”
I yank myself free of his arms and stomp away with my fists clenched at my side. I spin around and face him, gnashing my teeth. In truth, I’m a little relieved my whole body spun around and not just my head. And thankfully, I’m not vomiting pea soup, either; an exorcism won’t be necessary.
“I am crazy. I hear things. I see things that aren’t real, like…like you starting fire without matches. I see dead people…Jack…and my Daddy…And you have wings and flickering flames in your eyes, for crying out loud. That’s not fucking normal, asshole!”
“Well, if you put it like that…” He rubs the back of his neck, biting his lip, obviously trying to keep from laughing, but it doesn’t work. His laughter spills out and echoes against the huge boulders.
I launch myself at him, beating his chest with my fists. “Quit laughing at me, you unreal bastard! I might be crazy, but the fact remains, you lied to me,” I scream.
He captures one of my wrists while I continue to struggle against him raining blows upon him. “S-Stop, Crazy Girl, stop!” I kick his shin for good measure and then hop on one rickety heel with pain. Kicking a cowboy boot with an open toe high heel wasn’t one of my brighter moves.
“Shit!” After steadying me on two feet, Remi lets go and holds up his hands. “I’ve got one more surprise for you that might make it up to you.”
“Oh great, like I’m not already batshit crazy enough? Now what? You gonna zap me with a death ray? Fly me to the moon? Fuck me with your super-duper penis?”
“You think I have a super-duper penis?” He looks inordinately pleased.
Yes, he does, but that’s beside the point. I huff with annoyance and cross my arms in front of my chest and glare at this mirage or whatever he is.
“I dunno about flying to the moon, but…” He snaps his fingers.
I blink and swipe angrily at my cheek as something cold and wet hits my face. Another splat on my forehead draws my attention from Remi and I look up. I rub my eyes and open them again, not believing what I’m seeing. Above us, the full moon still shines, and the stars twinkle beside it, but to my complete and utter astonishment, snow is falling.
I’ve done it now. My fate is sealed. Turning off the phone when the Boss tried to ring me? Not a good idea. I’m exercising my free will at my own peril, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. And now I’ve made it snow in August. Mind you, it’s just right here, no one but Evangeline knows it’s snowing—well, He does, of course—but this is my last hurrah and I figure, in for a penny, in for a pound. There must be something about knowing I’m in shit so deep I’ll never dig my way out that makes me think in clichés. Or is it proverbs?
Regardless, I’m fucked.
The surprised look on her face is worth it. Being honest with her,
begging her forgiveness and giving her happiness these last few hours is my new priority. She won’t remember any of this, but I don’t care. I’m going to confess everything, and damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. Shit, I’ve got to stop with the maudlin corny sayings. I’m starting to sound like that old windbag, Peter.
Excitement brightens her wide eyes, and I smile when she sticks her tongue out to catch a snowflake. I love her talented tongue…She shivers and I rein in my dirty thoughts. Grabbing the blanket out of the car, I wrap it around her and press a kiss to her cold little nose.
“Who are you?” Her voice sounds breathless, and her eyes dilate, but I see no fear in them, more like a haunted resignation.
“I’m your guardian angel.”
A slight tinge of hysteria laces her laughter. “No, really. I know I’m crazy, just tell me who you are, or rather, what you are. I promise I’m going back on my meds because these tactile hallucinations are fuckin’ scary.” She runs a hand through my feathers, ruffling them. It feels great, like when someone scratches your back.
“It’s true. I’m an angel. God sent me to take care of you because, um, you kind of ignored the other messengers.”
“Other messengers?” Her eyes narrow and she chews on that delectable bottom lip, twirling one curl of her beautiful hair around her finger.
“Your father. And even that asshole, Jack.”
“What? They were real?” She gasps and her brow furrows. “No. No one believed me…”
“I know. ‘No prophet is accepted in his hometown…’” I quote, hoping Someone is listening and appreciates my last ditch effort at sucking up.
Evie pinches the bridge of her nose and rubs her eyes before glaring at me. “I’m so confused. You’re not a priest?”
I shake my head and give her a rueful smile. “That was His idea. I, er, was sent here as a kind of, um, a learning lesson. I, uh, got in a bit of trouble back home…”
“Daddy? And Jack? They’re okay? What about Kayla and her baby?”