by Nancee Cain
“Come on, Goner, you’re taking forever.” I tug at the dumb dog’s leash, urging him to hurry his nightly business.
When he finishes, we walk toward Remi, who stands waiting on us with his hands stuffed in his pockets. Dark wings flick once and then disappear as a car drives by. The wings no longer scare me. Actually, they’re kind of sexy. By the light outside the room I see his smile, but it doesn’t reach his haunted eyes.
“Are you okay?” he whispers.
I nod and swallow the huge lump in my throat. Even though I’ve promised myself to move forward, saying good-bye is going to be damn hard. “Good as can be expected. You?” I search his eyes, but he looks away, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. No lighter, of course.
“I need to keep you around in case my pilot light goes out again,” I joke.
He chuckles and drags his gaze to mine. Cupping my cheek with his free hand, he grazes my lower lip with his thumb. “I have one more surprise.” He finishes his cigarette, takes my hand in his, and we walk Goner back to the room like any other normal boyfriend and girlfriend. When I open the door, I gasp and look around. Two mismatched candles light the room and black feathers are scattered across the bed.
“I had to improvise, no rose petals.”
“It’s perfect.”
And it is. He must’ve bought the candles when we stopped for ice cream. Goner sniffs and moves toward the bed, but Remi snaps his fingers, and the mutt curls up on the floor with a doggie humph. Undoing his leash, I toss it on the chair.
Without saying a word, Remi captures me and sweeps the dress over my head, dropping it to the floor. Hot sex and cold chocolate ice cream seems like a good place to start on my journey to living life to the fullest. Wanting to savor every last moment with him, I pull off his shirt, memorizing the way he feels beneath my hands and under my lips.
We quickly shed the rest of our clothes and collapse in bed, laughing, kissing, teasing and whispering silly, romantic nonsense. Grabbing the cup of now mostly melted ice cream, he hums with pleasure when he takes a bite. He spoons some in my mouth and follows it with a cold, chocolate kiss. It’s delicious, like him. Licking his lips, he smiles at me, making me want to pounce on him, yet I want to relish every second and make it last. Fire dances in his eyes as he puts the ice cream down.
“I didn’t think your kisses could get any sweeter, but that was pure bliss.” He brushes the hair from my face and the backs of his fingers caress my jaw line. “I love you, Crazy Girl.”
“I love you, too,” I reply wistfully.
“As much as I want to make love to you, do you know what I really want to do?”
“Lick ice cream off my boobs.”
He chuckles. “Well, after I do that and make love to you…”
I raise my eyebrows and wait. He kisses my nose with cold lips making me snuggle in closer. “I want to fall asleep with you in my arms.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it. It’s my personal definition of heaven.” His hand strokes my hair.
“I don’t want this to end,” I whisper, holding his arm with an iron grip, as if I have the power to keep him by my side. “I love you.”
The only indication he gives that he’s heard me is a tightening around his eyes before he closes them. I’m soon lost in the myriad of feelings as his cool lips sweep across my jaw and down my neck. Despite the ice cream, I’m convinced he’s searing me because my body burns like it’s on fire. He takes a spoonful of the ice cream and drizzles it on my nipple, which pebbles into a hard peak. I want to keep my eyes open, to remember every minute we have together, but they close of their own accord when his lips and tongue tease and nibble my breast. I moan with an intense need for this beautiful man, angel, apparition, whatever he is. With him, I’m alive.
Warm lips trail lower, his hands following in their path. Every nerve ending in my body is attuned to him, crying out for him. He makes love to me with more than his actions. His words, his sighs and the way he looks at me, all tell me I’m his, and he is mine. Two lost souls, found, if only for a brief moment in time. And when at last our bodies are joined as one, I hold his precious face in my hands and memorize the look of his beautiful eyes simmering with passion.
“I love you.” Her whispered confession makes my heart soar and plunge at the same time but I can’t let her see my fear. I smile and kiss the tip of her nose.
“I love you, too. Forever and ever. A—”
Her fingers touch my lips and she returns my smile. Her eyes are filled with contentment tinged with a quiet, sad desperation. “Don’t say Amen. It sounds too final.”
“But this feels like a prayer. An answer to prayer.” I shush her further protests with my mouth by teasing her pouty lower lip. The vision of her face flushed with passion, illuminated by the candles, the sound of her soft sighs and the smell of her skin is something I’ll retain throughout eternity. Her hands grip my biceps as I move inside of her. I close my eyes. This can’t be wrong. I’m home. I’m in heaven.
Her hips move and meet my thrusts and her eyes dilate as she trembles on the precipice of her release. She flies over the edge and I soon follow. Our bodies are slick with sweat, our breathing labored as she holds me close, purring like a contented kitten. I kiss the pounding pulse in her neck, unable to summon the energy to move. I know once this connection is broken it’s irretrievable. Her fingers run through my hair, and pulling her closer, I roll to my back with her on top of me, still one.
Evangeline kisses my chest where my heart beats for her and whispers, “You saved me and made me fly.” Her sleepy eyes close and she snuggles closer, falling asleep in my arms.
I’m in both heaven and hell.
Chapter Eighteen
WE HAVEN’T SPOKEN FIFTY WORDS since we made love one last time this morning. A heavy feeling of despondency hangs in the air. Any question I’ve asked her has been answered with one word. This silence is driving me nuts, and I’m not getting the silent treatment just from Evie. All morning, when I could sneak and use my phone, I’ve tried to reach the Boss. I’ve left texts and voice mails pleading my case, but there’s been no answer. This is my Gethsemane.
Without asking, I pull into a fast food joint. She follows me, silently watching as I tie Goner to an outside table. Happy with the promise of a biscuit, he wags his tail and sits. We walk in, me in my clerics and Evie in jeans and a T-shirt, no makeup and red, swollen eyes. The girl behind the counter pushes her glasses up her nose, her questioning gaze darting between us.
“What would you like?” I ask Evie.
She shrugs and looks at the floor.
“Two large coffees and three ham biscuits,” I order. We step back to wait and I glance over at the play area. It’s empty this early in the morning. I nudge Evie’s shoulder and motion with my head toward the colored ball pit. Dull, lifeless eyes meet mine. That’s it. I’m determined to make her laugh at least one more time. I grab her and throw her over my shoulder.
“Remi,” she squeals, kicking and struggling to get down.
I march to the play area and throw her in the pit, diving in after her. One after another, I lob balls at her until she fights back, giggling. We’re jumping around tossing the balls at one another and Evie slips, ending up on her cute little ass. Of course I take advantage, and relentlessly pelt her with the colored missiles. “Have you learned yet? Huh, have you? Let me hear it, Evangeline!”
“Grab life by the balls,” she screams, laughing so hard she’s crying and hiccupping at the same time. It takes her two tries to stand. When she does, she covers her mouth with one hand, and with the other points behind me. I turn and do my best to quit laughing, but I can’t seem to stop.
The clerk with the glasses stands slack jawed holding our food. Beside her is the manager, an older man who looks anything but amused. More like scandalized.
Straightening my collar and cross, I work my way through the balls and assist Evie out of the pit. I smile and take our food, handing Evie o
ne of the coffees. With my right hand I bless them. As we leave, I holler, “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting. Job chapter eight, verse twenty-one.”
Snickering like two naughty children we grab Goner and head toward the car.
We’re a few minutes from her mother’s and Evie silently stares out the window. The only noise in the car comes from the heavy breathing of the clueless dog in the backseat. I try once again to break through her stony stillness. I might as well be using a spoon to chip through the Rock of Gibraltar.
“Wanna talk about anything?” I ask breaking the tomblike silence in the car.
“No.” She turns her face so I can’t see it. I reach out and take her hand, giving it a squeeze.
“I wish things could be different—”
She shakes her head and chokes, “Please don’t say anything.”
Her words spear my heart. I’ve made a horrific mess of all of this. It was never my intent to cause her pain. The only thing that prevents me from screaming with frustrated anger is the knowledge she won’t remember what a douchebag I’ve been, and she’s promised to live life to the fullest.
But I’ll remember. It will be my cross to bear.
I pull into the driveway of a small house where a car is parked with a Florida license plate. We’re here. We sit, staring at the house, not making a motion to get out of the car.
Evangeline looks down at her hands clasped together in her lap. “T-Thank you—”
“Don’t thank me. I’ve fucked this up so bad, and I’m so sorry…”
She looks at me, eyes bright with unshed tears.
“No, don’t be sorry,” she whispers.
Life here is so much harder than I ever realized, and this hurts like hell.
But then she smiles at me and I understand why humans allow themselves to fall in love. It’s worth the pain. I’d do it all over again, for her.
“You love me and I’m not crazy,” she huffs out in a voice laced with repressed sobs. “I can thank you for that.”
I shake my head, but she unbuckles her seatbelt and leans in to me. “You saved me, Remi. I’m no longer afraid of living. As much as I’m going to miss you…” She smiles and swallows. “I’ll be okay. I’m going to start over and move forward. But oh, how I wish you could stay here with me. These have been the most beautiful days of my life.”
“Good things are in store for you. Trust me, okay?” My voice sounds husky because I’m choking back my own tears. I only hope I can talk Him into letting me see her in the future. “And no more thoughts of hurting yourself. Promise me.”
She nods. I raise an eyebrow. “Say it.”
“I promise not to hurt myself.”
“And?”
She attempts a smile, although truthfully it looks more like a grimace. “And I’ll grab life by the balls.”
“That’s my girl.” I open the door, yank her bag out of the trunk, and walk her and Goner to the front door.
She gazes at me and her eyes search my face. Her fingers follow, and I turn my face into her hands and kiss her palm. I know she’s memorizing every detail of my face, because I’m doing the same damn thing. I cup her cheeks in my hands and her hands rest on my forearms. “I love you Evangeline Lourdes Salvatore. Forever.”
“And ever,” she finishes for me. “Please…I don’t want to say good-bye.” She’s gripping my arms so hard I know I’ll have her fingernail imprints embedded in my skin for a while. It’s fine. I want her to mark me as hers.
“This isn’t good-bye. Trust me, sweetness.”
“Don’t you want to come in and meet my mom? She’ll be all giddy over you in your priest get-up.” Her eyes look desperate, her grip tightens to the point I wince from the pain, much like I did this morning when those nails raked my back and tugged at my feathers.
“I love you.” My lips linger on her petal soft lips, savoring them one last time.
“But I told Mama a friend was driving me, she’ll be expecting to meet you.” She’s not letting go and my heart splinters into a million pieces. “At least try some of her cooking, you must be hungry. Her lasagna is to die for,” she squeaks.
“I have to go. I love you, Crazy Girl.” My voice chokes and I can’t look at her any longer, her pain is unbearable.
“I love you, too,” she whispers, wrapping her arms around my neck. I hold her close, resting my cheek on top of her head as she sobs into my chest.
Goner rises on his back legs and I affectionately pat the dog on the head. He settles with a contented whimper at her feet. She’s nuzzling my neck and much as I hate it, I know it’s time to leave.
“Trust me,” I whisper. She nods and closes her eyes. As I kiss her forehead, what feels like a powerful jolt of electricity passes between us as He works through me like a conduit to wipe her memory of me. I’m drained like a dead battery when I manage to get back in the car. My cell phone beeps with an incoming text. I read:
Luke 15:11-32. Come home, son.
The story of the prodigal son.
I dread going home, but at least I know I’m forgiven. I start the engine and pull away. In the rearview mirror I see Evie open her eyes, looking lost, but at peace.
I stare at the leash in my hand and the mutt at my feet, confused. My mother’s car is in the driveway. She’s sick, and somehow I’m here…Dammit, I’m having another of those scary black out spells.
Fake it till you make it.
I ring the doorbell and wait, shaking my leg in nervous anticipation. The silly dog looks up at me with love in his eyes, and I wonder why he’s with me and where he came from. I stoop to straighten his collar and he licks my face. Surely if this mutt loves me, I’m not so bad. Dogs know. My heavy heart lightens a bit, and I stand as the door opens.
“Evie,” my mom cries out with a smile. I find myself enveloped in her arms and my neck feels damp from her tears. I kiss her cheek and look at her. Worry lines crease her face and I realize with shame that most of them are probably my fault. My mother looks down at the dog and pats his head and then looks behind me. “Is your friend here?”
“My friend?” I look around. Can’t she see it’s just me? Usually I’m the one seeing people that don’t exist.
“The friend who brought you here.” Mama’s eyes cloud with worry as she searches my face.
What friend? Fake it till you make it…
I force a sunny smile. “Nope, they had to leave and just dropped me off.” I used the generic they because I have no idea how I got here. I’m struggling not to panic over this latest loss of time and awareness. I know Mama is sick and has to have a heart test, but for the life of me, I can’t remember anything else. I shove the rising panic down; I have to be strong for my mom. She needs me.
“How are you feeling, Mama?”
“Fine, fine…” She pauses with tears in her eyes. “Better than fine now that you’re here.” Wiping at her eyes, she turns and extends an arm into her cozy living room. “Well, come in, dear. I’ve made your favorite meal for supper. Lasagna. What’s your little dog’s name?”
I look down at the dog, clueless. “I, uh, don’t know. I never got around to naming him.” I tug on the leash to get him to follow me in the house, but he just sits there staring down the road.
Mama chuckles. “Looks like he needs remedial dog school.”
Remedial…the word has a familiarity to it that I can’t place. The mutt’s ears perk up and he wags his tail. He lumbers to his feet and we follow Mama down the hall to my room. It’s warm and inviting. She’s even placed a picture of me with Daddy on the bedside table. Over my bed hangs my favorite print from when I was a child. Two children crossing a bridge with an angel behind them. The white wings and female angel somehow don’t look right.
“I’m not sure how long you plan to stay.” Mama pauses and runs a hand over a non-existent wrinkle in the duvet. “But this is your room, for however long you want to be here.”
I hear the longing in her voice. I’m p
uzzled and shake my head a fraction, taken aback. I thought she’d left Florida to get away from me.
Taking my hand in hers, her face softens. “When I was all alone and afraid I was dying in the ER, all I wanted was to have you there. I needed you, and I realized I let you down when you needed me most. I’m sorry, honey. I hope we can start fresh. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.”
I place my other hand over hers. “It’s okay. I am happy, Mama.” And I mean it. I feel at peace and as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders just being here with her. “I know I’ve had some issues, but I’m better. Let’s just take this a day at a time, okay? I want to see you get well, first.”
She’s chewing her lower lip, and I know her concern. I need to set her mind at ease. “I’m off all my medications now, and I’m better. But, if I stay for any length of time, I promise to check in with a therapist if it makes you feel better. I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through.” I suck in a deep breath. I’m unwilling to commit to any long-term plans with our history, but I’m willing to stay at least for a while and try to repair our shaky relationship. She—and apparently, this dog—are all I that I have.
“It’s okay. I love you. This is a fresh start, for both of us.” Mama smiles and kisses my cheek and I hug her like I haven’t in a long time. “Maybe we can manage to get along for a few days without killing one another.” Her tone is light and teasing and I grin back at her.
Duchess, our cat, walks by the door hissing at the dog, and we both laugh when the mutt whimpers and hides behind my legs.
I pat him on his head. “You need to get along with Duchess; she rules the house. If you get on her bad side, you’ll be a goner.” He cocks his head and looks at me with his tongue hanging out of his mouth as if he understands what I’ve just said. I need to come up with a name for him.
Mama flutters around the room, helping me unpack my things. I don’t have much, a few clothes, the locket from Jack, and a ring Daddy gave Mama. My hand brushes something underneath my jeans. Puzzled, I pull out a snow globe. I’ve always loved snow globes, but I don’t remember having one like this. I shake it, and as snow swirls around a black feather, a feeling of joy surrounds me.