We stand in silence as, through my eyes, I try to apologize to him for the stupidity of other people.
He lets out a sigh and slightly shakes his head. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
Once we’re back in the truck, I reach for his hand, and thankfully, he lets me hold it as we make our way back down the hill and to my apartment.
20
Adam
Since last night was ruined, I invited Sarah to my house tonight for dinner to try to forget about how frustrating that cop had been. After we eat, Sarah helps me in the kitchen, and when it’s Cailin’s bedtime, she comes with me to tuck her in and read her a bedtime story.
Having her as part of our routine feels good. Being able to share these precious moments with someone else makes me almost whole again.
As we exit the room, I run my fingers through hers and nod toward the backyard. Fall is definitely in the air, so I set up the firepit before she arrived.
“Hang with me out back? I have stuff to make s’mores.”
“S’mores?” She giggles in question. “And you’re keeping them from Cailin?”
“She’s had plenty. Tonight, it’s just us. Let me grab the stuff.” I head toward the kitchen, getting what’s needed before opening up the sliding glass door.
A breeze comes over us, making Sarah wrap her arms around her body.
“Don’t worry; I got us blankets too.” I kiss her head and show her the way to the firepit.
After placing the items down, I light the papers I have stuffed between logs to get the fire started. “How do you take your marshmallows? Do you like them burned or just lightly toasted?”
She curls her feet up underneath her while unwrapping the blanket. “I’m not picky.”
Once the fire gets going, I take the graham crackers and place pieces of chocolate on top, setting them next to the fire, and then make my way to where she’s sitting.
“The trick to a good s’more is to get the chocolate melted first,” I say as I motion for her to lean forward, so I can sit behind her and have her cuddle against me.
“Are you a s’mores pro or something?” she teases.
“One of the best. Just wait and see.” I wrap my arm around her front, running my fingers down her arm.
“Did you go camping a lot when you were little?”
A hard laugh escapes my lips before I can stop it. “Yeah, that’s a no.”
She turns slightly to look at me. “Why’d you laugh?”
I pause, remembering the horror that was my childhood and questioning if I should go there.
She takes my silence as my answer. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it.” She cuddles more into my side.
Hearing her say it’s okay makes me want to talk about it, to finally open up to someone else.
It’s been years since I’ve been down that road, but I also haven’t had a reason to. I don’t share anything of my life with anyone but Linda and Cailin.
Linda was there, so I haven’t had to tell her anything, and they’re things I never want Cailin to hear. Besides Max, the rest of my bandmates only know what they need to know—it was shitty. Period. A lot of my lyrics are built on my past, so either they don’t ask or they don’t care as long as our success continues as it is now.
I notice the chocolate starting to melt, so I lightly pat her arm, motioning for her to get up so I can start to load the marshmallows on our roasting sticks.
After I have the perfect toast coating each side of the sugary goodness, I place them on the semi-melted chocolate, cover it with another square, and hand one to Sarah.
She takes a bite, and the moan escaping her lips makes my dick stir instantly. I try to ignore it while I take my place back, seated behind her.
“This is amazing,” she says as she licks chocolate off her fingers.
When I see a tiny bit of chocolate on her mouth, I lean in to kiss it off, holding it there to enjoy her for a brief moment.
The slight breeze mixed with the crackle of the fire and Sarah in my arms warms my body in a peace I haven’t felt in a while. Being on the road is hard, especially since I’m away from Cailin. I’ve never felt more at home than I do now.
I inhale a deep breath and begin, “Did Linda ever tell you how I know her?”
She takes another bite before she shakes her head. Covering her mouth, she says, “She just said she’s a family friend.”
I take my own bite of the s’more and love it when Sarah wipes a little bit from my mouth with her finger before sticking it in her mouth with a grin covering her beautiful face.
“I wouldn’t say she was a family friend. You’d have to have a family to be considered that.”
She stops mid-chew as she takes in what I just said.
I glance to the fire before continuing to say things I’ve never really said out loud, “Have you ever heard of CASA?”
“Isn’t that house in Spanish?”
I can’t help but chuckle at her confused expression. “Yes, but it’s also an acronym. It means Court Appointed Special Advocate.”
She covers her mouth to hide the next bite she took while she says, “Court Appointed? Why?”
“When you’re in the foster system, they assign you a CASA, and Linda was mine.”
My eyes meet hers, and I feel the pain radiating back at me.
“You were in the foster system? For how long?”
I inhale a deep breath before taking a trip down memory lane.
“One night, I walked out of my room in search of food. I just remember being really hungry. It was getting dark, and I’d only had crackers to eat. My mom was either passed out, on drugs, or coming down and itching for her next fix every moment of the day, so I never knew what I was going to get and tried to hide in my room most days. When she saw me, she asked me to curl up with her, so I guessed she was flying high.”
I shake my head, letting out a sad chuckle. “Sad to think that the only time she wanted me near her was when she was on drugs.”
Sarah reaches her hand out to me, and I willingly take it as I spill my innermost demons.
“At eight years old, I shouldn’t have known any of that, but when you’re pushed into that world at a young age, you learn about a lot of things, survival being one of them. I knew when to talk to my mom and when to hide under my bed, praying she and whatever guy she had around forgot I existed.”
Her eyes boring into me get to be too much, so I lean back, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her back into my side.
“The house was freezing, so I had a blanket wrapped around me, and I crawled up on the couch with her. She squeezed me tightly, and silly me took it in like the air I breathed. I remember being so desperate for her affection.”
Sarah hugs my arm against her body, intertwining our fingers. It’s the exact interaction I need to continue.
“I asked her for food, and when her lips pursed together, I knew my answer.”
Sarah turns to meet my eyes, waiting for what I meant.
“She’d already eaten and spent the rest on whatever she was on.” We stare into each other’s eyes for a moment before I turn back to the fire.
“She tried to play it off, asking if there was anything in the fridge but she already knew the answer, or maybe she was too gone to remember. The fridge had stopped working a few weeks earlier, and I’d finally thrown everything out due to the smell. When you’re hungry, the awful smell only makes your stomach turn even more.”
Sarah flinches under me, and when I try to move to give her space, she holds me tighter, making sure I don’t go anywhere.
I think back to those days and how miserable I was. I can’t imagine Cailin ever having to live through that. No kid should.
I close my eyes, inhaling deeply before I continue, “I hadn’t had a real meal since school went on winter break. While at school, I at least got breakfast and lunch. I should have been smart and saved my chips and fruit then, knowing I wouldn’t have anything during the break, bu
t I wasn’t thinking.”
“No kid should have to think about where their next meal is coming from,” Sarah says, leaning her head into me for support.
“It’s sad how many kids do.” I sigh before continuing, “When I turned back to my mom, she was passed out, so I hopped off the couch. Funny how I still remember how freezing my toes were through the holes in my socks on the cold floor.”
“Your memory associates physical feelings of things to help you remember,” Sarah says as she starts to play with my fingertips like she’s associating physical touch with this moment right now.
“As I made my way through the living room, the front door was kicked in. I remember standing there in shock as a man towered over our entryway. I’d been in some sticky situations, but standing there by myself with my mom passed out was the most terrified I’d ever been.”
She curls into my side, her strength wrapping around me like a glove.
“He asked me where she was, and I just screamed and ran to my room to hide under my bed. Thankfully, he didn’t follow, but the screams and the sound of my mom’s body being flung around was almost worse than if he had. When it got silent, I held my breath, praying whatever had just happened was over and whoever it was would leave. The sound of his footsteps were beyond terrifying. I remember not feeling like I could breathe; my heart was pounding so fast. When he pulled me out from under the bed, I thought I was going to pass out; I was so scared.”
Sarah sits up in a rush and turns to face me, placing her hand on my cheek. “Oh, Adam.”
My eyes meet hers, and I have to blink away tears I feel forming, which frustrates me even more. That woman doesn’t deserve my emotions; they died with her years ago.
I try to push Sarah away, but she doesn’t budge. Instead, she gets closer. Making me look her in the eyes.
I lean my head back against the rest as I stare at her.
“I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t care what age you were, you shouldn’t have had to go through that.”
I bite my inner lip, needing to finish my story and hoping I can make it through.
“He dragged me out of my room and down to the living room. Visions of my mom covered in blood made me want to throw up, so I covered my mouth, afraid even more of what this man would do if I threw up on him.”
I break our line of vision and stare up at the sky. “He dropped me on the ground and leaned down to my level. The smell of cigarettes and BO made me feel even sicker to my stomach. He told me to keep my mouth shut or that he’d be back for me.”
“Adam,” Sarah says, trying to get me to look at her again.
I pull away, not wanting anyone’s pity, instantly going back to the defenses I’ve put up for years, but her other hand comes up and stops me, forcing me to look at her. We lock eyes, and I’m done for.
This girl can forever do no wrong in my eyes from this moment on.
The strength she’s giving me just through her touch affects me to the core. I know Linda cares for me, and my bandmates are like family, but I’ve never had the voluntarily true care of a woman like the way she’s showing me right now.
I allow her to catch me as I fall for her even more. I pause, breathing in this newfound feeling running through me.
She takes me in, running her finger down my face before asking me to continue. “Is that when Linda came into the picture?”
“Not for a few years. It was two days until I was able to get help. We lived in a run-down shack behind some guy’s property, and he was gone for Christmas. It wasn’t until he got back that I got some help.”
My stomach turns at the thought of those days that I’ve pushed aside for years now.
“He called the police, and I thought everything would be better, but it wasn’t. I was tossed from foster home to foster home. I was afraid to speak for years after that. Foster parents got fed up with me either not communicating the way they wanted or storing food in my room just in case it was the last time I got a meal.”
Her gasps remind me of just how sad that is. At the time, I was still in survival mode. I’d get picked up and left at a new house with nothing but a garbage bag of the clothes that were either too big or too small.
“Not every kid is assigned a CASA, only the truly troubled ones. I guess I was lucky.”
She pulls her leg under her, so she’s more comfortable, facing me. I tuck a lock of hair that fell in front of her face behind her ear. When she leans into my touch, I can’t help but take in the moment and realize how happy I am to be here with her.
“So, how old were you when you met Linda?”
I think about that time and allow myself to poke at the boy I was. “Thirteen. Man, I was such an ass.”
“You had the right to be,” she says.
I sigh. “Linda didn’t think so. She was the first person to truly take an interest in me.”
Her head tilts to the side. “How?”
“By this time, I’d been kicked out of every foster home in the area. The little boy thrown into the system turned into a very pissed off teenager. I still didn’t talk much, so people who were in it just for the money were quick to toss me to the curb. I was sick of people coming into my life, only to leave a short time later.”
“So, I take it, she stayed,” she teases, and I love that she can help make light of this heavy topic.
My body relaxes as I say, “Yeah, she stayed. It took her a while to get through my thick skull, but she never gave up on me.”
“She really cares for you and Cailin.”
“Yeah, we became her family just as much as she became ours. She was never able to have kids. She was looking to adopt through the foster system when she found out about CASA. She thought she would be needed more there, and damn, was she right.”
“Did you move in with her?”
“Nah, it’s not like that with a CASA. They’re just there to be support. She was able to break down my walls. It took months of her picking me up and taking me places before I even said one word to her.” I shake my head in embarrassment as I remember how mean I was to her at first. “I’m lucky she stuck with me.”
“How’d she pick you up?”
“Part of the CASA program is, you have to spend time with the kids. Get to know them and show them you’re there to fight for them. They attend scheduled court dates and work as the liaison between the courts and the foster system. No matter how much of an ass I was, she’d still show up at every scheduled meeting to take me places. I guess you could say she was the first person to semi-restore my faith in humanity.”
She grips my hand. “Adam, wow. And look at what you’ve become after all you went through. God has been great to you in so many ways.”
I try not to flinch at her statement that makes no sense to me whatsoever. Thankfully, the grin that covers her face makes the same one appear on mine even though my mind is saying there’s no way in hell what’s she’s saying is true.
She continues, and I try not to let her thoughts change our mood. “I can see that in Linda. She’s so great with Cailin.”
I nod. “She is. I don’t know what I’d do without her—then and now. She’s the one who introduced me to music.”
Her eyes widen. “Really?”
“Yep. That’s why I took her last name for my stage name. She’d take me to the park and set up a CD player on a picnic table, and we’d listen to an entire CD in silence. I still can’t believe she’d sit there for an hour in total peace as we did nothing but take in the music. She’d say the music would heal me eventually, and it did.”
“That’s so cool.”
I inhale a deep breath. “It is. I owe her everything. I didn’t want anyone to know about my past. I wanted a fresh start. Even before I started the band, I went by Adam Jacobson, so it’s been easy to hide Tyler.”
A rush of emotions floods through me again at the memories of how Linda made me who I am today.
“Before then, I knew nothing about music or how lyrics could change so much
in someone’s life. She was smart in choosing what artist we’d listen to. There was a lot of classical rock ’n’ roll. Once I started to show interest, she’d talk to me about the songs and their meaning. Learning about history of the Vietnam War or the death of Buddy Holly through music opened my eyes.”
“I couldn’t agree more. Music’s always been my escape too.”
A shit-eating grin covers my face. How did this seemingly perfect girl come into my life so easily and so fully? “I knew I liked you for a reason,” I tease, hoping I’ll get to see the flush rise up her face—and I do.
I reach out, motioning for her to lie back against me. She does, and I wrap my arm around her. I play with her fingers, enjoying the simplicity of the moment. It’s rare that I get times like this, just kicking back and relaxing where no one wants anything from me or is expecting anything from me.
“I like this. Just being with you,” I whisper, almost to myself more than her.
She leans down toward my lap, turning just enough to look me in the eye.
I can’t help myself when I take in a deep breath and lean in to kiss her. Not because I just poured my heart out to her, but because the way her blue eyes feel like they see past all the bullshit and really see me.
Me.
The true Adam. Not who everyone sees or who every woman tries to get with.
Right now, I’m not thinking about anything but how at peace I am, sitting out here, and it’s all because of her.
Our lips touch softly as we breathe each other in. I open my mouth to caress hers again, and when I slip my tongue out for a taste, jolts of electricity fly through my spine.
I lift my hand up to her head, running my fingers through her hair and holding her closer to me. When her arm wraps around my head, I pick her up and swing her onto my lap.
She meets my lips again, leaving both hands on either side of my face. I’ve never had a woman touch me this way. I’ve never kissed a woman who affected me this way either.
I deepen our movements, not able to get enough. I only get this rush when I’m onstage, but right now, I have nothing on my mind but the way her body feels against mine.
Our Song Page 14