“"No, no,”" Ruby said, shaking her head. “"It wouldn’'t help anyway. For something like this, we would have to move way beyond a toaster oven or a television set. You’'d need to really plug into a fuse panel, tap into a streetlight, or, if you were lucky, catch the stream from a nearby substation. Just go ahead and do whatever you did when you made the chair move before.”"
Lucy positioned herself in front of the chair, took a moment, and then kicked it as hard as she could. Her foot sliced through the plastic folding chair like a baseball through a vat of Jell-O, and Lucy knew it. She felt her leg move through the object without so much as a jiggle.
“"Hmmmm,”" Ruby commented. “"Maybe that chair is too much for you.”"
“"It’'s not,”" Lucy insisted, shaking her head. “"The chair I kicked was much heavier than this one. I mean, it was a chair in a funeral home, you know? It was wooden, not this cheap plastic folding chair stuff. I want to try it again.”"
“"Sure,”" Ruby said, and shrugged.
This time, Lucy raised her leg, positioned it square in the center of the chair, and kicked it with all her might. Again, the chair might as well have been made out of water, as Lucy’'s leg sailed through it, without budging the chair an iota.
“"Nah,”" Ruby said, shaking her head and waving her hands. “"Stop. I didn’'t think you could do it. Don’'t worry. It’'s pretty hard, and you shouldn’'t be embarrassed. I don’'t think you were lying. Exaggerating a little, but I know you thought you were telling the truth.”"
“"But I was telling you the truth,”" Lucy protested.
Ruby unabashedly laughed a deep, throaty chortle. “"Okay, kid, sure, whatever. You say you moved a chair. But you’'ve kicked it twice now and nothing’'s happened. What am I supposed to believe? Did you move a chair, didn’'t you move a chair, who knows? If you say you can move that chair and expect me to believe you, then you’'d better prove it, and so far, you haven’'t. But you know what I think? I think you’'re too busy feeling sorry for yourself to take charge of your own eternity. Guess what, Lucy? We’'re all dead. We all died. It wasn’'t fair to any of us. And you know what else? If you were as selfish in life as you are in death, it’'s no wonder there were rows and rows of empty chairs at your funeral, and that clears up the mystery of how you ended up here in the first place, now, doesn’'t it?”"
Lucy didn’'t know what to say. She felt all of her anger collect in a tight little ball that quickly rose from her stomach, spread across her shoulders, and then exploded in her temple in a fiery, acidic blast that made her head throb.
Still looking straight at Ruby, in less than a second she reared up and blasted the chair, delivering all of the rage, fury, and exasperation that had been building up inside her since she had arrived.
And in response, the chair not only moved, but tipped backward and then fell forward the tiniest bit in a slight but undeniable rock. Lucy couldn’'t believe it. She stared at the chair as if what she’'d done had been a Herculean feat, as if she had just lifted a car off of a baby.
From below the stage came a sharp, shrill one-note shriek that mirrored what Lucy felt, and she turned to see a lithe black blur of a figure hopping up and down, clapping and screaming in complete delight.
“"You did it! Oh, Lucy! You did it! That was marvelous, how wonderful! Spectacular!”" Ruby cried with glee, and she walked quickly toward the stage. “"You moved the chair! You really moved the chair!”"
“"I told you I could do it,”" Lucy replied, ecstatic that she had actually done it, but still quite upset at her instructor’'s comments. “"You doubted me.”"
“"I pushed you, Lucy,”" Ruby explained. “"On the first two tries, you had nothing fueling you, so I decided to press your most obvious buttons. Was that fair? No. But I needed something to help me light the fire, and it worked. Don’'t forget I was there right after the funeral. I saw the state you were in. I needed you to tap into the same source that gave you the power to move that chair then. You’'ve completed an incredibly difficult task, Lucy. I only know of one other student who has been able to do what you just did without extensive training. That’'s how rare it is. And it should also key you in to just what kind of talent you may have within you, if you just try.”"
Lucy nodded, relieved to know that Ruby’'s inflammatory comments had been pointed for a reason. She also recognized that most of what Ruby had said had hit a nerve, even though she hated to admit it. Ruby was right. Lucy did feel sorry for herself, and she knew that if any kind of future awaited her on the other side of the ghost horizon, she was the only one who could pull it off. No one else was going to do it for her. Kicking the chair had felt good, it had felt liberating, and it had been a much needed release.
Lucy smiled, and Ruby returned a warm, earnest smile.
Lucy then kicked the chair as if it were her own ass, and they both giggled when it tipped completely over.
chapter ten From Here to Eternity
Before any of the students had realized it, the last day of school had arrived.
To reward them for being such attentive students and working so hard, Ruby had decided to take it a little easy on the Surprise Demisers’' final day together. As soon as the students all rolled in, she took them to one of the theaters to see Ghost. Ruby regarded it as one of the best comedies ever made, and cackled particularly loudly when Patrick Swayze’'s character projected himself completely onto Whoopi Goldberg’'s and Demi Moore’'s characters in some darkened alley. Then he lit up the alley with his accompanying orb of light and bent down and actually kissed the Demi Moore character.
“"Look at that!”" the old woman howled, pointing at the screen. “"A full apparition with exceptional definition, in color, and not a power source in sight! You can’'t take that much power from the living unless they’'re hooked up to a life-support machine! And he’'s a ghost kisser, too! I guess I forgot to teach that section, ghost love. I don’'t know who the spirit consultant was on this movie, but they were obviously still breathing!”"
After the movie, they returned to the classroom, where Ruby paced before them while everyone settled in.
“"Let’'s say I was haunting my Aunt Nancy, who has lost her wedding ring and is heartbroken about it,”" she tossed out. “"I’'ve found it under the microwave. How am I going to let her know, and what power sources can I use to complete the task?”"
The classroom wasn’'t silent for very long before several hands popped up.
“"Elliot,”" Ruby chose. “"What am I going to do?”"
“"Well,”" he started, “"I would use the power from the microwave itself, and somehow move the microwave to reveal the ring.”"
Ruby pursed her lips together in a pondering look and nodded. “"I can see the power source as the microwave,”" she replied. “"But some microwaves are pretty heavy, especially the old ones. My Aunt Nancy never buys anything new, and that microwave weighs more than her bed. What do I do now? Be creative!”"
Danny was the next one to shoot up his hand. “"I’'d keep knocking on the microwave until she got the hint.”"
“"Aunt Nancy is older than me,”" Ruby replied. “"Deaf as a post.”"
“"Unplug it?”" Kirk Russell offered. “"This way, she thinks it’'s broken, has someone move it to see what’'s the matter with it, and there’'s the ring!”"
“"Points for creativity!”" Ruby yelled, giving Kirk a little round of applause. “"But …... unless you have a really strong charge, unplugging something might be very difficult, especially if you have to move the microwave to do it. Any thoughts?”"
As the students pondered the puzzle, the room became more and more hushed for long seconds, then, finally, for a full minute.
“"I have an idea,”" Lucy suddenly said, breaking the quiet.
“"Shoot,”" Ruby responded.
“"I take a paper towel, toilet paper, tissue, something light that I can handle easily without the use of a lot of power, and poke it through the vents on the back of the microwave. Then, when it o
verheats, Aunt Nancy thinks it’'s broken, and like Kirk said, she has someone move it, and voilàa, her ring.”"
“"I think that’'s a perfect solution as long as you don’'t let the paper towel catch on fire,”" Ruby said. “"If you turned my Aunt Nancy into an SD-er, there’'d be hell to pay, and not just the one down the hall. Great job, Lucy!”"
The class rewarded her with a nice round of “"Good job, good job,”" “"Nice work,”" and “"Way to go!”"
“"So I have a friend that I’'m haunting, and her boyfriend just broke up with her. How can I cheer her up without flipping her out?”" Ruby queried.
“"This one is mine,”" Bethanny said, and she didn’'t even wait to raise her hand. Instead she simply stood up.
“"First,”" she began without any cue from Ruby, “"I’'d check to see if any of her favorite movies were on that night, and then change the channel at the appropriate time to make sure she knew they were on. Then I would spray her nicest perfume to make her feel pretty. Then I would knock down all of the pictures of him she had up. And I’'d hide anything of his so she wouldn’'t be reminded of his beastly self.”"
“"If she had any Aretha Franklin on her iPod, I would certainly cue ‘'Chain of Fools’' and push play when it was most needed, like every morning when she woke up,”" the countess chimed in.
“"If the phone rang and it was his number that popped up on the screen, I’'d disconnect,”" Chuck said emphatically.
Ruby beamed from ear to ear.
“"Great work, everyone, very creative, nicely inventive. I like that,”" she complimented the class. “"You’'ve all been paying a lot of attention. Now, remember, what’'s the first rule of ghosting?”"
“"The best kind of ghost,”" recited the class in unison, “"is the kind you never know is there.”"
“"Beautiful,”" the old woman gushed. “"And the second rule?”"
“"There are no such things as coincidences,”" the class chimed, once more in chorus. “"Only ghosts on duty.”"
“"Now here’'s rule number three of ghosting,”" Ruby said with a wry smile. “"What do you do when ghost hunters come?”"
The question was met with silence for several reasons, with different scenarios rushing through each of the students’' heads.
“"You know this one. You know it. It’'s right in front of your faces,”" Ruby teased.
“"If anyone thinks they’'re going to hunt me,”" Chuck asserted boldly, “"the tables will turn. The prey shall hunt the hunter! I am the haunting hunter! When I was alive, I used to get knife catalogs!”"
“"If we’'re going to be hunted, I want a ghost gun right now,”" Bethanny cried in a panic. “"Or at least some kind of spirit pepper spray. I need something to defend myself! I’'m the smallest ghost here! Do you see how small I am?”"
“"I refuse to touch a gun,”" Elliot pronounced defiantly. “"I will counter the attack with reason, sensibility, and a touch of goodwill.”"
“"I demand a bodyguard,”" the countess said simply. “"Or a ghost guard. Or an apparition guard or a guard for whatever the hell it is I am now. You’'re not sending me into some sort of jungle where I’'m going to be pursued like invisible big game.”"
“"Calm down, calm down, please,”" Ruby said, raising both hands. “"No one needs a gun or a bodyguard, all right? I’'m sure all of you are going to be perfectly fine. But when ghosts violate rule number one and tip the living off to their presence, it’'s not typically a big deal. In fact, sometimes it can work to your advantage. But when ghosts go rogue and start acting on their own behalf and do not follow the recommended conduct guidelines, there can be trouble.”"
Ghost hunters, Ruby went on to explain, were not really hunters but more like enthusiasts. They were living beings that were fascinated by ghosts. They weren’'t sure if ghosts really did exist or if spirits were figments of the imagination, but these enthusiasts were interested enough to investigate ghosts in their spare time and buy equipment for it. Usually, they were just a bunch of people who didn’'t mean any harm, who just wanted to gather evidence that ghosts and the paranormal did in fact exist. They did this by taking pictures and using voice recorders, thermal imaging cameras, and energy sensors. Sometimes, Ruby went on, they would try to provoke a spirit into creating an action or effect. These ghost buffs might shout insulting things or ask stupid questions.
“"I have even heard of one ghost hunter asking a spirit he was trying to coax, ‘'Do you realize that you’'re dead?’'”" Ruby laughed, as did the members of the class. “"I’'m sure the spirit wanted to respond, ‘'Well, I don’'t eat, I move through walls, no one can see me, and I haven’'t gone potty in sixty years. You’'re kidding me, I’'m dead?’'”"
The class all nodded, and laughed even harder.
“"Keep a cool head,”" their teacher advised, “"and don’'t fall into the trap.”" The best thing to do when the ghost hunters show up is right in front of your face, she said again.
Play dead, she concluded.
“"What would be the big deal?”" Kirk asked. “"So what if they knew we were there? They can’'t do anything to hurt us. We’'re already deceased.”"
“"True, true,”" Ruby agreed. “"Typically, those people don’'t want to hurt you. They want to interact with you, which can be flattering and make you feel special. But the minute you make a move, make a sound, speak, knock on a wall, or are detected by thermal imagery, the gig is up, my friends. Because after the ghost hunters come, the psychics and mediums are oftentimes bound to follow, and they are the dangerous ones.”"
“"I think all of that is hooey,”" Chuck declared. “"I can’'t believe you’'re telling me those people are for real.”"
“"Most of them aren’'t,”" Ruby said, trying to be reassuring. “"But every now and then, you’'ll get a real one. They’'re few and far between, but they are out there, and through some mix-up, they’'re very much in touch with both worlds, ours and theirs. They are sensitive to the living and the non. You’'ll find many animals have this ability as well. They have an awareness that goes beyond the physical, and they can sense and know what’'s around them. People typically lose that the moment they are born.”"
“"That doesn’'t sound so bad,”" Lucy added. “"It might be nice to be able to talk to someone through a psychic telephone, so to speak. Maybe I could send a message to my sister, or they could even help us complete our assignment.”"
“"Mmm, mmm, mmm, I know the lure is irresistible,”" Ruby cautioned. “"But when the psychics—--and I mean a real one, which, as I said, is rare—--show up, it is time to hightail it out of there just in case. Don’'t even bother playing dead. If they’'re real, they will find you. And they will want to help you over to the other side.”"
“"But we’'re already on the other side,”" Danny said with a grin. “"We’'ve already broken on through.”"
“"Exactly,”" Ruby agreed. “"That’'s the point. We’'re already on the other side. We’'ve just come back to do some extra credit so we can move on to The State. But they don’'t know that, and in the effort to ‘'help’' us—--like the living can even remotely help the dead, can you imagine?—--they will try to draw you into the light so you can ‘'pass’' over and find peace.”"
“"So the light is bad?”" Lucy questioned.
Ruby shook her head. “"No, the light isn’'t bad,”" she said quietly. “"The light is horrific. It is not a light. It’'s an energy tunnel that has been in place since the beginning of time. It is misunderstood as a passageway to the other side, but it is not. It’'s real purpose is to filter out the bad and leave the good, but it can only do so much. If you get sucked into that tunnel, the density of it will render a spirit into a non-energy particle, like a speck of dust.”"
The students were speechless, and Ruby continued in such a serious tone that they knew what she was saying was the truth.
“"The rings around Saturn?”" the teacher began. “"Filled with the foolish who thought there was an easy way out. You must
fight the pull. Go into the light, and you’'ll spend an eternity orbiting around a dead planet as space debris. Throwing plates at the living, stacking chairs in a pyramid, and having three priests throwing holy water at you is no way to meet your objective. Amityville Horror? Amityville Idiots. I believe they’'re now located in the yellow band of Saturn’'s second ring. I mean, really. Whose idea was the marching band and a flying pig with red eyes? Your objective is to help, not to terrify. That’'s the surest way of getting yourself petrified. And it’'s for eternity. There’'s no going back.”"
“"That’'s so sad,”" Bethanny murmured.
“"It’'s not sad, dear,”" Ruby corrected her. “"It’'s the most ghastly existence you could ever imagine. I don’'t want that for any of you. I wouldn’'t want that for my worst enemy, and believe me, I have a couple.”"
“"I don’'t understand,”" Lucy interjected. “"The living often have near-death experiences where they claim to see the light, and they go into it, feeling peaceful. How can the light be so bad, then?”"
Ruby adamantly shook her head. “"Those people aren’'t seeing the light,”" she informed them. “"Do you remember your first morning here? Do you remember waking up in the bed in the big reception dorm? Before you opened your eyes, what did you see?”"
Lucy remembered. It had been calming, comfortable, peaceful. She had felt so rested. It had been soft and welcoming.
“"White,”" she recalled. “"I saw white.”"
“"You were no longer physical,”" Ruby added. “"There was no reason to see darkness. Close your eyes now. What do you see?”"
Lucy saw the same white, the white of a brilliant, soft sun, the white of everything good and nothing bad. They all closed their eyes; they all saw white.
“"That’'s what those people see, and if they make it to The State, they very well may see family and friends who have also made it up to that level,”" Ruby explained. “"But if they lose the battle and are transferred back to a physical plane, the white vanishes, as does everything that goes along with it. Psychics cannot reach where we are. They can only reach us if we are where they are. They have no idea that the light they think of as good is actually the worst thing possible for any spirit. If a psychic is trying to pull you into the light, resist as much as you possibly can, use whatever power you possess to escape. Do whatever you can to avoid it. Nothing is out of bounds at that point. Even scaring them is acceptable.”"
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