I thought about calling him so many times. Sometimes I even sat on my couch after Noah was in bed, just staring at the screen of my phone and reading the many text messages he’d sent me since I’d left his office that day. I knew I’d overreacted. But the problem was, I didn’t know any other way to be anymore.
Freaking out when Reed was on top of me was also an overreaction, but it came from a subconscious place in me I had no control over. Those horrible minutes in my bedroom four years ago had changed me. Now I was a woman who felt a deep connection to others who were violated, and a deep disgust for any man who’d done it.
I picked Noah up from daycare one day, wondering in the back of my mind if April had responded to my recent email. Though I had planned to return the laptop to Reed, I still had it for now. When I got home and opened the computer, I saw that she’d responded, but it wasn’t the sort of message I’d expected.
Hello Ivy. My heart is heavy after reading you’ve broken up with Reed over the case he’s been assigned. As a friend, I’m here to support you, but I also have to say I think you’ve made a huge mistake.
It’s time to be honest with yourself. You took this girl’s sexual assault so hard because you, too, were assaulted and you still haven’t completely dealt with it. I was proud of you for going to counseling when you first got to Lovely, but it sounds like when the counselor pressed you to open up about what happened, you stopped going to sessions.
What happened changed the course of your life. But, at some point, you have to realize that you’re in control now. You get to decide if you seek help or stay buried under the weight of what happened.
Reed is a good guy, Ivy. From everything you’ve told me about him, I know he’s serious about you and Noah. Stop sabotaging your own life and forcing yourself to be alone. Reed is doing his job, and nothing more. Talk to him. I know it’s hard, but be brave. You deserve happiness.
Much love,
April
I sat back, reading the message three times before signing out of my email. April was right. I’d pushed away the best thing to happen to me since Noah. But I knew in my heart that if I went to Reed and apologized, it would be hollow. I’d still feel the same pain and resentment about him defending Chuck Ashley.
After I picked Noah up, we ran errands and then went back to the diner for dinner. Gene was sick with the flu and Margie was taking care of him so they’d asked me to keep an eye on things in their absence.
I carried Noah into the kitchen and made a sweep through it. The second shift cook, Nick, nodded at me. He had the place looking as good as Gene would have. I wiped down the prep table out of habit and took Noah back to the lobby to eat.
“Where’s Gene and Margie?” he asked, used to seeing them here every time we came in.
“They’re at their house,” I said. “What sounds good for dinner?”
“Go to Gene and Margie’s.” He grinned at me.
“We would, honey, but Gene’s sick. Do you want a cheeseburger?”
He nodded and we settled into a booth, where he asked me to draw a picture of a train. I did my best, but he frowned at me.
“Where’s Reed?” he asked.
I sighed and set down the purple crayon I’d been drawing with. “He’s probably at his office, buddy.”
“Want to see Reed.” Noah tried to slide out of the booth.
“No, we can’t.” My heart tugged in my chest. “Want to dump out the sugar packets?”
He grinned and slid back into his side of the booth. Dumping out the sugar and putting the packets back in the container one at a time was one of the ways he kept busy when he was here.
I watched him with half an eye as I looked over at the two boys sitting together at a table in the corner. They were familiar to me. I waited for their parents to return from the bathroom or wherever they’d gone so I could place who the boys were, but after fifteen minutes, they still sat alone.
“Noah, let’s walk over here for a bit,” I said, taking his hand to help him down from his seat.
We were on the way to check on the dark-haired boys when it hit me. They were Jordan and Eric Lockhart, Kyle’s sons.
“Jordan and Eric, right?” I said, approaching the table with Noah.
The older boy, Jordan, nodded. They’d pushed their dirty dinner dishes off to the side to make room for two boxes, which they were decorating with markers.
“Are your parents here?” I asked.
“Our mom’s picking us up later,” Jordan said.
“Did she drop you off here for dinner?”
Jordan nodded. “And to make our Valentine’s boxes.”
A surge of concern laced with anger passed through me. “How old are you guys?”
“I’m seven and my brother’s five,” Jordan said.
“You know what?” I said, lifting Noah into one of the empty seats at their table. “I know your Uncle Reed, so how about if I call him and he can come here and we’ll help you decorate these boxes?”
“Okay,” both boys said, smiling.
“Will you ask him to bring some tape?” Jordan said, pulling out a broken flap on his box.
“Sure.”
I grabbed my phone from my purse and dialed Reed, who answered on the second ring.
“Ivy. God, I miss you. I’m so glad you called. Why haven’t you answered any of my messages?”
After an awkward moment of silence, I said, “I’m at the diner. Jordan and Eric are here. Kim dropped them off and they ate alone and now they’re decorating their Valentine’s boxes here.”
“Jordan and Eric?” Reed’s tone was incredulous. “My nephews?”
“Yes. They’re too young to be here alone.”
“I’ll be right there. Stay with them, okay?”
“Of course.”
I asked a waitress I knew well to sit with the kids while I went to Margie’s office to get some tape. I’d just started helping Jordan tape up his box when Reed walked in the front door, his chest rising and falling from breathing hard.
My own breath was trapped in my throat. I hadn’t seen him in weeks, and it was all I could do not to jump up from my chair and run into his arms. He hadn’t come in for lunch since our argument.
His eyes never left mine as he approached the table.
“Hey,” he said.
The second he noticed Reed, Noah jumped down from his chair and threw his arms around him in a hug. Reed bent down and picked him up, and the sight of my son in his arms almost brought me to tears.
“Where Snoop is?” Noah asked.
“He’s at home taking a nap,” Reed answered. “How are you, Noah?”
“Good. I want to color.”
Reed put him back in his seat and Noah started coloring the box I’d found him in the kitchen. Doing what the older boys were doing seemed to make him happy.
“Hey, guys,” Reed said to Jordan and Eric. “What are you doing here by yourselves?”
“Mom dropped us off,” Jordan said. “She’ll be back later.”
“Where was she going?” I heard the disguised unhappiness in Reed’s tone.
Jordan shrugged.
“Where’s your dad?”
“Working.”
Reed nodded. “Okay. You guys want some help with these boxes?”
“Yeah!” Eric said. “Can you make mine into a spaceship?”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Reed said, pulling up a chair.
His chair was next to mine, and though we weren’t touching, I could feel the warmth of his leg next to mine. I was close enough to catch a hint of the woodsy cologne I remembered smelling on his skin. My body responded to his presence, all my nerve endings coming to life at once, though my expression gave nothing away.
“Thanks for calling me,” he said to me in a low tone.
“Were you still working?” He wore jeans, work boots and a flannel, but he also had on the dark-rimmed reading glasses I’d only ever seen him wear at his office.
“Yeah, doing resea
rch. I was working from my apartment, though.”
“If you haven’t eaten, I can get you something.”
After a moment of silence, he leaned toward me and whispered in my ear. “I miss you so damn much. I love you, Ivy.”
His words and the warmth of his breath on my skin made me feel like a puddle of hormones on the floor. I wanted him. Wanted it all. It was all I could do not to crawl into his lap and tell him I felt the same way.
“Mama, where’s my cheeseburger?” Noah asked, breaking the spell I was under.
“Um . . .” I took a deep breath to clear my head. “I’ll go check on it. Reed, you want anything?”
“I’m good, thanks.”
When I got back to the table with Noah’s plate, Reed stood up.
“I’m gonna run over to the drugstore and get what we need to finish these boxes,” he said. “And I need to call Kyle.”
I nodded, avoiding his gaze.
“Hey,” he said softly. “Walk me to the door.”
I followed behind him and he turned to me when we were alone.
“Say something. I’m dying here, Ivy. Have been for more than a month now.”
“I miss you, too,” I acknowledged.
“Jury selection’s starting tomorrow. The trial should start in three days or so. Do you think you might feel differently when it’s over? Maybe we can move past this then?”
I shook my head helplessly. “I just don’t know, Reed. I realize how wrong it is that I feel this way.”
“It’s not wrong that it upsets you. But it’s wrong for you to think I’m ever on any side but yours. I’d do anything for you.”
“I want to move past what happened to me, but—”
Reed’s eyes darkened seriously. “I’m not asking you to move past it. I don’t think a woman ever gets past that. I’m asking you to accept me as I am, public defender job and all. I accept you that way, Ivy. I want to be there for you and it fucking hurts when you push me away. What I’m saying is that I’m yours, and now it’s up to you to decide if you want me.”
I closed my eyes for a second, willing myself not to cry. When I opened them, Reed had turned to the diner’s door. He pushed it open and left, leaving me feeling lower than ever.
When Reed came back with the supplies for the boxes, we both helped the boys decorate them. Kyle came in just as we were finishing, wearing dark green scrubs.
“Dad!” Eric cried, sliding down from his chair. “Look at the spaceship Uncle Reed made me!”
“That looks great,” Kyle said, smiling down at his son. He walked over to the table and looked back and forth between me and Reed.
“There were here all alone?” he asked in a low tone.
Reed nodded. “And they’d still be here alone if Ivy hadn’t called me.”
Kyle shook his head, his face lined with tension. “Thanks, Ivy. I really appreciate this. Do you know how long they were here before you called Reed?”
“I’m not sure. At least half an hour, because that’s when I got here.”
“Ivy,” a waitress named Addison called from behind the counter. “Okay if I make the kids ice cream sundaes?”
All three boys cried out their excitement and rushed over to the counter.
“Sure,” I said, knowing Noah had no idea what he was so excited about. He was just following the lead of the older boys, and it was cute.
“Hope that’s okay,” I said to Kyle.
He waved a hand dismissively. “Of course.”
“Look, you can get pissed at me if you want,” Reed said to Kyle. “But listen to me first. You need to confront Kim about her parenting skills. This shit’s got to stop.”
Kyle rubbed a hand over his unshaven face. He looked tired, both physically and mentally. “Yeah, I know. Part of me wants to stay here with the kids to see how long it takes her to show up.”
“And whether she’ll be sober when she gets here,” Reed said.
Kyle’s face fell. “Yeah, that too.”
Reed folded his arms across his chest. “Here’s a better idea. I’ll take the boys back to my place for the night. They can sleep in my bed and I’ll take the couch. You wait here for Kim.”
“Okay,” Kyle said. “Thanks, little brother.”
They gave each other a quick hug and I stepped back, feeling like I was intruding. While the boys finished their ice cream, Kyle sat and talked to them and Reed and I picked up the box decorating supplies.
We both reached for a marker at the same time, our hands touching. A current flowed from his warm skin into mine. He started to pull his hand away, but I grabbed it and held on. I couldn’t look at him because I knew I’d cry.
After a few seconds, I let go and turned, swallowing the lump in my throat. I picked Noah up and said goodbye to everyone, still not able to make eye contact with Reed.
Life without him had been so much easier when I didn’t know what I was missing.
CHUCK ASHLEY’S TRIAL WAS a major event in Lovely. It seemed like everyone in town was either at the trial or talking about it. It had just started today, and already I was ready for it to be over.
Lunch rush at the diner had been so crazy that we hadn’t even been able to seat everyone. Gene had somehow worked his magic and made carryout orders for those who wanted to eat but couldn’t be seated.
The close proximity of the courthouse was the reason for our crowd. The courtroom couldn’t seat everyone who wanted to watch the trial, and Gene’s was the closest restaurant for people to grab a quick lunch and hurry back to secure their seats in the courtroom.
It was after one o’ clock now, and the diner was practically empty. The trial had resumed a few minutes ago. Margie had gone over with the lunch crowd, hoping to get a seat.
I was sweeping the floor and wiping down tables, leaving the serving duties to another waitress so I could clean up without distractions. My mind was wandering today anyway.
The lunchtime chatter had been about the opening arguments of both attorneys. Apparently Mark Cameron, the state’s attorney, had given a compelling open about Chuck grooming his stepdaughter to be his victim. Reed’s open had been short and succinct, encouraging the jurors to keep an open mind and consider all the evidence.
My cell phone buzzed in my apron pocket and I pulled it out. Another voicemail from April. She’d left several over the past week and I’d never found time to call her back. I was almost done cleaning the lobby and I hadn’t had a break all day, so I asked Gene to make me a grilled cheese and I took my phone out back, where I dialed April.
“You live,” she said sarcastically.
“Sorry. It’s been crazy.”
“I figured you were avoiding me because you knew I was calling to ask about Reed.”
“There’s nothing to tell,” I said, biting into my sandwich.
“Ivy, why are you pushing away a great guy?”
“It’s not exactly easy to go from no relationship of any kind for four years to falling in love before I knew what hit me,” I said. “Sorry if that came out snappy.”
“Hang on while I find a tissue to wipe away my tears,” April said. “You fell in love with a sweet, hot guy who loves you and Noah. You poor thing.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Do you? Does this even make sense in your own head?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “He’s in the middle of the trial right now, and I want to go watch it, but it’s so hard to see him.”
“Talk to him, for crying out loud.”
“How are things with you?” I asked, hoping to change the subject.
“No complaints. I’ve got a date tonight.”
“So the long distance thing didn’t work out?”
“No, but it’s for the best.”
I stared at the sliver of the courthouse building I could see from the alley, wondering what Reed was doing right now.
“I have to get back to work,” I said. “Thanks for calling. Really. Will you let me know how the date goes
?”
“Sure. And you let me know how it goes when you talk to Reed.”
I smiled. “Bye, April.”
“Bye.”
WHEN LUNCH RUSH ENDED the next day and Margie asked me if I wanted to try to get a seat at the trial, I surprised myself by saying yes. I wasn’t sure if it was my secret desire to see Reed or the way I identified personally with the case, but I wanted to see for myself what everyone had been speculating about.
The courthouse was a grand old stone building with marble floors and staircases. The trial was on the third floor, so I followed the crowd and ended up in a huge courtroom with tall ceilings and rows of wood benches. It was ornate, with a mural depicting the scales of justice and a large, carved wood desk where the judge sat. Framed portraits of former judges lined one wall.
I slid into the end of one row near a portrait of a judge wearing a curly wig. Just as I took my seat, the modern-day judge rapped his gavel and called for quiet in the courtroom.
My gaze landed on Reed’s broad back. His hair curled the tiniest bit near his collar and I thought longingly about how much I’d loved the feel of his hair between my fingers.
He sat straight in his chair, and I knew the man next to him had to be Chuck Ashley. All I could tell about him from this angle was that he had short blond hair.
The judge told the prosecuting attorney to call his next witness, and when he said Chloe Trenton’s name, a collective murmur ran through the crowd.
“Quiet,” the judge said sternly, rapping his gavel. “We will have order.”
The room stilled as Chloe was led into the room through a side door by a bailiff. She kept her eyes down as she approached the bench and was sworn in as a witness.
She was a slight girl with dark hair and olive skin. Wearing dark dress slacks and a dark sweater, she looked like she wanted to avoid attention.
The prosecutor started with a series of routine questions about who Chloe was and how long she’d known her stepfather. Everyone listed in rapt silence. When the prosecutor asked her if Chuck was in the courtroom and asked her to identify him, she looked directly at the table where Reed sat and identified her stepfather by pointing at him.
Deep Down (Lockhart Brothers #1) Page 17