by Nicola Rose
“How’s Constance?” Beatrix chirped, a weird smug grin on her face. She knew about her being here?
“Hopefully dead. And if she isn’t, she will be when I find her,” I growled.
I hated that old hag.
I hated everyone. Everything.
“Come,” she sighed. “You have a date with Emory.”
“Awesome, I shall enjoy slaughtering him the most.”
Laurance chuckled and Beatrix shot him an icy glare.
I followed them down the corridors and into the Great Hall. Before, it had felt oppressive and hideous in that room. Now it was comforting. I could smell the blood stains on the floor. Excitement crept up my spine.
Please let there be a party tonight.
My tongue slid over my fangs in anticipation. This would be epic. I’d gorge myself on the blood of his guests and then I’d creep up to Emory, whisper dirty words into his little elf-like ears, and destroy his jugular. Perhaps I’d fuck him first.
Yes, fucking a red-eyed demon-vampire-lord in a pool of blood was definitely on my new bucket list.
Why must life be such a fucking bitch?
Why was I forced to sit here and endure the horrors of Emory’s entertainment as a human, and now, when I was desperate to partake, he had other ideas?
He slouched in his throne on the marble dais, Zac standing to his right. Naked-man was kneeling beside the throne this time, to the left, instead of behind. He must have been promoted back to his rightful place since I’d left.
Zac looked at me as though I were a stranger.
And I looked upon him the same way. I was sure that somewhere inside my heart there was love for him, but I couldn’t find it. I’d enjoy sucking him dry too, even if his blood was half dead. Blood was blood. I’d take whatever I could get.
Alex was there again, on the edge of my mind, trying to get in. I didn’t know how I was stopping it, but I fought against him and kept him out. There was a persistent niggle in my mind that he’d said something important to me, that he meant something, that he was important. I pushed that aside too. I didn’t care about anything except where the next meal was coming from.
I turned to Emory, “So, you’re telling me that you threw a big party for Ruben, the disloyal cocksucker, but you won’t throw one for me? After I got you what you wanted from Zac?”
“Jessica,” he smiled, “You know full well that I would enjoy nothing more than indulging your every whim, but—”
“No buts, where’s my initiation? Come to think of it, where’s my sanguine wedding? That’s a party, right?” I studied Zac’s face, watched the fake smile drop. “Oh, right. That doesn’t really work after your brother fucked and sired me?”
Emory shot a hand out to Zac’s arm, stilling him before he could attack.
“I guess we could make our own entertainment. Let Zac go and watch us settle our unfinished business.” I kept my big-ass smile trained on Zac. Had I really loved him once? How strange… all I could feel now was a hollow loathing. Was that because he appeared to be handing me over to the Bael like an unwanted pet, or was it simply the way vampire feelings really screw with you?
“We’ve wasted enough time already,” Beatrix stepped forward. She was so tiny and unassuming. Was I afraid of her once? I snorted at myself. I could totally take that bitch out.
“What exactly is the deal here, Zac?” Emory faced his minion. “You sacrificed everything for this girl, and now you deliver her to me like she’s nothing? If you try to fuck with me—”
“It’s simple,” Zac interrupted. “Alexander sired her and now she smells like shit, and tastes like shit. She’s tainted. She smells like him. When I was screwing her it felt like incest, like I was with him. It’s repulsive. I’m not like Laurance and Francis, I won’t share her with my own damned brother.”
Emory raised his eyebrows, nodding along like he understood. The original Elwood/Morena crew hissed in disapproval at the put-down.
“Is that true?” I asked eagerly. “Do you share? Oh my God, do you both fuck Beatrix at the same time? That would be incredible! Come on Zac, you should try everything once… me, you, Alex, we could—” His snarl cut me off and I burst out laughing. Damned emotions were all over the place. Seriously though, how hot would that be?! An Elwood spit-roast! They didn’t have to touch each other, just me – that would keep it out of the realms of incest, right?!
“So now, Emory,” Zac went on, his ferocious glare burning into me. “I want you to know that you have nothing left to leverage me with. Do what you like with her and understand that I’m a free man. That said, I will still work for you, under my own volition. Thanks to Beatrix, my little clone army is proving fun to play with and I’m not giving that up. I want a council position in the Bael and full control of my beasts.”
This seemed like an important conversation, but I struggled to care. I was too distracted by the incessant scratching from Alex at the edge of my psyche, oh, and by the way Beatrix stood between Laurance and Francis. Did she own them, or did they own her? What would it be like having two Elwoods fucking you? What noise would she make when I killed her?
“Done,” Emory replied, startling me. “Beatrix, do what’s necessary to keep Jess locked down until all this blows over.” He looked at me then, those ruby eyes scanning me for something. “Soon, Jessica, I promise. We will play soon. I am very much looking forward to your rebirth in my ranks.”
Beatrix stepped onto the dais and started chanting some mumbo-jumbo, eyes closed, hands clasped together.
My legs wavered.
A pressure moved against my mind.
I took a hesitant step away, but found myself restrained once again by the original Elwood Fuckwads One and Two.
Beatrix’s chanting became more urgent and the pressure around me increased. Darkness started sidling into the edges of my vision.
My fingers thrummed and a new energy reared its head. I went to grab it, but then it was gone.
Everything was gone.
There was only blackness.
An empty void that went on for eternity.
I floated there, in the nothingness, and let it seep into my pores.
30
Jess
Floating.
Lost.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone. Panic rose in my chest. There was nothing. I couldn’t get hold of anything, not beneath my feet, not in my hands. The blackness was so empty. I was sinking in a total void. Weightless.
Clawing and thrashing. Trying so hard to reach the surface.
Drowning.
The scratching came again inside my head. I went to press my hand to my temple, but I couldn’t even feel my own body. Did I even exist? Was I dead?
This was a shitty idea of heaven, and an even shittier hell. I’d take red hot pokers to the flesh and burning flames over this. Anything would be better than this emptiness. This nothing.
The rats wouldn’t stop scuttling through my skull, their little claws raking over my brain.
“Jess!” his panicked voice broke through and the sudden noise in the silence made me cry out.
“Let me in,” he said gently.
I shook my head, fighting back against the invasion. It was hideous. An infiltration.
“Out! Out! Get out!” I screamed.
“I’m never leaving you again,” Alex whispered. Thank fuck. The quieter voice was more tolerable.
“I’ve heard that before.”
“Zachariah overpowered me and drained me almost to the point of death. I couldn’t stop him taking you, I’m sorry.”
“Where am I?” I croaked.
“Constance says that Beatrix has locked you in another plane, somewhere not even of this world. I don’t know, I don’t understand, but I’m going to find you.”
Somewhere not even of this world.
Terror bubbled up from deep within my core. I couldn’t breathe.
My heart was going to explode.
I was dying
.
“Jess!” he broke through again. “You don’t even need to breathe! Calm down.”
I was a vampire.
I was a fucking vampire.
And I had killed all those people.
I enjoyed it.
I murdered them and fucked in their blood. Not just Zac, other men, too. And women.
Alex groaned. “Fuck, Jess, that should have been me with you. He stole that from me. I’ll kill him and I’ll tear the Bael apart, every last one of them. I’m coming for you.”
I wasn’t sure of the last time I’d slept, wasn’t sure if I even needed to now, but my body felt dog-tired. There was a lot of empty space in my memories from the previous days or weeks. Maybe I’d slept, maybe I’d blacked it all out. But suspended in that desolate void I drifted in and out of semi-consciousness and my thoughts ran rampant with hideous things. Things that excited me, despite the wrongness. Things I knew I’d done, even if I couldn’t remember.
And sometimes I found peace, I managed to let my mind mirror the space around me and clear of everything. There was no thought, no feeling, I was blissfully empty.
Then their haunting eyes would shine out of the darkness and jolt me back to life. Sometimes the blue of Alex’s, sometimes the golden-honey of Zac’s, and sometimes the disturbing red of Emory’s.
Time was irrelevant. I could have been there for days or years.
Thoughts skittered and changed so frequently, but the one thing that stuck was the sense of overwhelming loss when Alex left my mind, and the relief when he returned.
Sometimes we spoke of trivial things – the weather back on the real planet, current events in the news. Sometimes Alex was gentle, caressing me with the words of a lover, assuring me of his feelings, of his oath to protect me. Sometimes he was so angry that his rage inside my skull made me tremble. He was frustrated, afraid.
We both were.
And I was starving. So parched that I was convinced my body would disintegrate to ashes. I would break apart and float away into the vast realm of nothing.
When we were angry I could feel something new. Something was breaking free, bit by bit. It was warm and soothing, and deathly cold and evil, all at once. They seemed to be one and the same. Dark thoughts, evil urges – those were my calming emotions, that’s where my happiness sat.
How the hell did Zac ever get a grip on that? How had he resisted his urges for so long? I developed a new found respect for him, even though his words cut me to pieces when I thought of them.
She’s tainted… Do what you like with her.
“You’re not tainted. You’re exactly what you should be,” Alex breathed.
If I concentrated, I could almost feel his strong arms around me.
Time disappeared again, for goodness knows how long, and then he was back.
“How are you here, in my head, if I’m floating in a lost void? I thought Beatrix put me here specifically so no one could find me?” I asked.
“I sired you, that makes our connection stronger. Plus, I’m a bonded Elwood, I’m way more powerful than most. The ritual adds a level of witchery into our blood. That’s how I can click my fingers and shatter someone from the inside out. And, thirdly, you seem to have the potential for incredible mind-control powers. All vampires excel at different things, this could be your forte.”
“So why can’t you find me, if you’re here with me?”
“That part’s proving harder. It’s why I’m having to work with Constance, which is taking a momentous amount of patience and restraint on my part.”
“Your part! Think yourself lucky I haven’t shattered you yet.” A female voice in the gloom.
I cringed. “Constance? Come join the party, why don’t you? Maybe a little warning next time? And how exactly are you here?”
“That will be the ‘working with Alex’ part. He’s helping to anchor me here. Now listen, enough chitchat, I need you to focus, Jess. I can feel it in you. The taking of Alex’s blood, becoming a vampire – while revolting to me, it seems to have unlocked your power.”
“Seriously?”
“I’ve been puzzling over how you broke Zac’s arms that night that he attacked you. I’ve had Alex go over the details with me many times, because it showed a new level of power from you. He told me that you’d tasted some of his blood. I didn’t want to believe that meant anything, but now I can feel it in you, I can’t deny it. His blood has done something.”
I held my hand out into the abyss and willed a flame to form.
Nothing. Endless black remained. I wasn’t sure I wanted a light to show me what else lurked here anyway. I was starting to believe I could hear things…
“You might want to double check that—” I started.
“It’s there!” she demanded. “Focus.”
I gathered myself together, calming my breath, pulling on the strings through my core. Sure enough, something did feel loose. The heavy weight that normally pressed down on that magical place seemed to shift.
“Feel it?” Alex asked.
“Yes, I think so.”
I tried again, and this time I could feel Constance there too, helping me to dislodge whatever flimsy barrier lay across it. The energy began to seep through the cracks, buzzing and vibrating from within.
Come on, Jess, I need you to fight for this. Fight for us.
I heard Alex’s voice, but this time it wasn’t being spoken into my mind. It was different. Far away, muffled… there was a cloud around it, some sort of dark energy, but it was there. I hadn’t imagined it.
I love her. I can’t lose her like this. She has to be stronger.
The story of my life. Be stronger, Jess. Sort yourself out, Jess. Stop acting like a crazy fool, Jess—
“What the fuck?” Alex’s voice, loud, clear.
“What?”
“You were in my head, Jess, how did you do that?”
Fear. Confusion. Wonder. Joy. Love. Death. Depravity.
I felt it all, but they weren’t my emotions right then, they were his.
Can you hear me?
“Of course I can hear you, dipshit, you’re in my head,” I sighed.
No. You’re in mine.
“No?! How?” I’d have sat up to attention if I had any sense remaining of which way was up and whether I was lying or standing. I was nothing.
“Constance?” I asked.
She’s gone. I booted her out the moment I realised you were with me. Inside me.
“How is that possible?”
All vampires can communicate telepathically. Some are better at it than others. I guess your powers are starting to come to life. We’re already linked, it makes sense, but still… I’m way stronger, I’m surprised…
I started laughing.
Something funny, darlin’?
“Yep. All the mind-fucking you guys have done to me and my friends, and now I get to poke around inside your skull? How do you feel? Violated?”
He scoffed. If it was unpleasant I’d have spat you back out again in an instant. Or maybe I’d have locked down and trapped you here, let you rot in a dark cell in my mind. Let’s not forget what I’m capable of, please.
“So you like it?”
Disturbingly, yes.
And so I wandered. I took a walk through his mind and he opened the doors one by one, letting me in.
I couldn’t begin to put into words the range and scale of the shit that I found inside Alex’s head. The things he felt, the things he’d done… it was terrifying. And exhilarating.
The presence of any guilt or remorse was distinctly lacking. But that’s not to say there wasn’t any caring or warmth.
Even where Zac was concerned there was an element of compassion, or empathy. He really didn’t hate him. Yes, there was anger, loathing, disgust, a history of violence – but underneath there was a bond, an understanding. They weren’t so dissimilar at all.
But the most unnerving thing of all was the depths of Alex’s devotion to me. He loved me. Real love. H
e’d said it when Zac took me after I was turned, but I was so confused at the time, I blocked it out. Shrugged it off as nonsense. Yet here, I could feel it clear as day in his thoughts. He didn’t even try to hide it now.
This man had endured a vast level of pain and suffering, all thanks to the desire he had for me. An agonising ache, a dizzying need. Hearing me calling to him, even when I had no knowledge of doing so. A constant pull dragging him towards me, like I was indeed some sort of deranged siren.
He was always so carefree on the outside. I would never have believed the turmoil raging inside him if I hadn’t felt it for myself.
“You lied to me,” I whispered into the dark.
“Which instance are we referring to here?”
“You told me you made Anna a vampire to hurt her, to cause her pain for what she did. And that’s true, you did want to hurt her… but mainly, you didn’t want to hurt me. You couldn’t bear the thought of killing my best friend and being the cause of my pain. You didn’t want me to look at you with hate. So why did you let me believe it for so long?”
“Because after the event you fucking disappeared into the sunset with Mr. Righteous.”
“I was back a long time before I found out. You could have told me before she came waltzing in and nearly killed me with the shock.”
“It’s not something you just drop into conversation. Besides, your disappearance gave me time to reclaim my balls from your hands – and to realise that perhaps I did want you to suffer a little. You left me, you face the consequences.”
I let the silence sit for a while and tried to get back into his head, but he’d locked me out.
“Turns out, it didn’t take you long to wrap your hands back around my nuts, did it?” he said playfully. “You’ve turned me into a total loser. This is why I’ve spent my life only allowing disposable women into my life.”
“There’s never been another woman?”
“Once. When I was ten years old, at the orphanage. She took away the anxiety and gave me hope. I didn’t have any concept of a sexual relationship, but I knew I’d marry her. I loved her.”