by Callie Stone
Finding Love
by:
Callie Stone
Copyright © 2018 by Callie Stone
All rights reserved.
This book is protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America. Any reproduction or other unauthorized use of the material or artwork herein is prohibited. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without prior written permission of the author.
This novel is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events; to real people, living or dead; or to real locales are intended only to give the fiction a sense of reality and authenticity. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and their resemblance, if any, to real-life counterparts is entirely coincidental.
Cover by: Q Design Cover and Brand Premades
Editing by: Editing by Carol Tietsworth
CONTENTS
Finding Love
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Epilogue
About the Author
Acknowledgements
Prologue
Have you ever wondered about the one that got away? The guy you fell in love with, but then the relationship didn’t work out at that time in your life. The one you were absolutely sure was your soul mate. I do it often. I think about the one I fell head over heels for. The one that I lost so quickly it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like my life was ending. My heart was ripped out and stepped on several times. Torn to shreds like it didn’t even matter. The crazy thing is … it wasn’t even his fault.
After I met the man I was sure was my soul mate, and after something huge and unthinkable happened in my life, I started a journal. I often sit here in my bed and cry as I flip through its pages. Reading how my life went from one place to another. How it turned upside down and never seemed able to right itself again.
Some of these memories, I could do without. The hurt and the pain from them is enough to last me the rest of my life. But not everything in the journal is bad, there are good things too.
I flip back to the beginning and start to read the first page, the memory playing out in my head as if it just happened. I would never have thought any of this would happen to me. That my life would turn out this way.
Then again, does life ever turn out the way we expect it to?
THE PAST
Chapter One
Iwas eighteen, fresh out of high school and already wearing a wedding ring. Mrs. Addison Hill, Addy for short. I married young. I rushed into it. I was so dumb. I had been dating Troy for a year before I graduated. He was three years older than me and in the Army. I wanted to be married, wanted out of my mom’s house. I looked forward to having my own family with a bunch of kids running around. I thought being an Army wife was going to be amazing. I always supported our military. My father was retired Air Force, and I had always envisioned marrying someone in the military.
Only things didn’t work out as I had planned.
Shortly after saying ‘I Do’ our relationship started to go downhill. Troy was still affectionate in everyday life: holding my hand, kisses before he left, that sort of thing. But things weren’t the same in the bedroom. Of course, he would snuggle with me every night, neither of us able to sleep otherwise, but intimately there didn’t seem to be anything left. It boiled down to me asking, almost begging, to have sex. What girl wants to beg her husband for sex? Sure as hell, not me. It got so bad that I was asking Saturday morning if we could have sex Saturday night and his answer was always the same, ‘I don’t know’.
You see, all this can mess with a young female’s head. The questions start to go in a loop. Is there someone else? What is wrong with me? Why are we married? Does he love me? Am I not attractive? Am I not appealing? Is there someone else?
Well, you get the idea. I wasn’t sure what the issue was. I just knew that it was horrible living that way. Horrible feeling worthless, unattractive, unloved even. Because let’s face it if you’re a newlywed and you truly love that person you will want to be intimate with them. It just wasn’t the case for us. I felt horrible when my attempts to make love failed repeatedly.
Why did he even marry me?
I didn’t think I was unattractive, nor did I think I was drop dead gorgeous. I felt average. Pretty at most. Being 5’9” with a slim build, long brown hair with green eyes. I had what I thought was an average nose with full plump lips. My boobs weren’t showroom quality, but did that really matter?
Now let point out that Troy was no stud either. I mean of course he was attractive but nothing like the men you read about in romance novels. He was 5’9” too, with an athletic build, short blonde hair with blue eyes. He had thin lips and his nose … well, it was a tad too big. I will admit that he had an amazing smile though. I couldn’t help but smile every time he did. And he was pretty darn good in the bed too, at first.
A month after my nineteenth birthday the dreaded time came when the Army said Troy was going overseas. Over to the countries that needed help. I watched as he packed. Watched him set his gear by the front door. That night he gave me the best sex since we had gotten married. At the time it made me so happy, but after he left, and I had time to think, I felt like he only did it because he knew he wouldn’t have sex for six long months.
I cried the day he shipped off. I was scared. Not only for his life while there but scared for myself. I didn’t know what to do while he was gone. I had no support system. No one to talk to except my mom. I know what you’re thinking, ‘What about the other Army wives?’. But the thing is, I never got to know them before he left and I’m an extremely shy person. Making friends has never been easy for me.
I struggled for days. I cried every night for a month. I felt lost.
Then I became the worst person ever. And I dread, hate even to say the words, but … I was the typical Army wife you hear about.
I cheated.
I still hate myself to this day for it. Three months into Troy’s deployment I met him. I can’t say that I hate the fact that who I met instantly felt like my soul mate. The man that taught me what true love really felt like. The one that showed me I was desirable and wanted, attractive even. I felt like I was at home when I was with him. His name was Daniel Wright, I called him Danny.
Danny was the whole package. Unlike Troy, Danny was just like the men you read about in the romance novels. He was tall at six foot, built from head to toe, god- his abs made me drool. He had light brown hair, hazel eyes, full kissable lips that I wanted to bite daily. Danny was sweet, loving, caring, considerate and had a great personality. He put others before himself and was always there to help.
My heart skipped beats when I was near him. I loved him with every fiber of my being. He became my world.
But there were a few problems. Not only the fact that I was married, but he was also in the Army, too. He was risking so much to be with me.
We kept the relationship secret except for around a few friends. Out in public, we kept our distance, which killed me. I wa
nted nothing more than to show everyone he was mine.
We had three glorious months together. The best three months of my life. And then Troy came home.
Now don’t get me wrong. I was happy Troy came home. Happy nothing had happened to him and yes, I was even happy to see him again. After my time with Danny, I felt a bit confused. I knew one hundred percent that I loved Danny but when I saw Troy, I also knew I still loved him too. Was it the same kind of love? No, it definitely was not. I did feel something for Troy, it just couldn’t compare to what I felt for Danny.
Oh, how life changed after Troy came home. I tried acting like the perfect wife as I tried to decide what I would do. Stay with Troy? Ask for a divorce and be with Danny? Go back to the way things were before Troy left? I mean the questions were endless. What the hell was I going to do? My time with Danny decreased dramatically, I barely got to see him anymore. We tried to talk on the phone at least once a day but even that was hard with Troy around. I found excuses to go to a friend’s house alone just to see him for a few minutes. I knew life couldn’t go on like this. I needed to make a decision and fast.
After a few weeks of trying to juggle the two, I realized it had to end. With some deep soul searching I knew I couldn’t allow my soul mate to escape. I couldn’t go on through life with someone who didn’t seem to want me.
Around the time I made my decision Troy finally was clued into everything that was going on. Now you would expect that we had some major blowout about it, but we didn’t. I guess he figured getting back at me was a better course of action than anything. But he waited until the perfect moment.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know that Troy knew. I was clueless thinking everything was going to work out and I would be happy. In my mind, nothing could ruin it. I had a plan and that plan was going to work. But yet again, the dreaded day came, and this time Danny got called overseas.
To say I was crushed was an understatement. Anyone could tell his deployment affected me more than Troy’s. I was petrified with the idea that Danny wouldn’t make it home. My heart felt like it was being squeezed inside my chest. The feeling was horrible.
The difference this time was I said goodbye to the love of my life. It took everything in me to keep my tears hidden from Troy. Took every ounce of my being to keep in check. And this … this is when Troy decided to strike. When Troy decided to rip my heart out and stomp on it, ultimately tearing it to shreds.
If I was honest, I would have to say I couldn’t blame Troy for what he did. I mean hell, I did cheat on him after all. But the way he went about it to me was wrong. He should have come to me first. He should have talked to me about what was going on. Instead Troy waited until Danny touched down and proceeded to call his First Sargent and explained to him what had been going on.
Now if you’re not in the military or ever been with someone that is then you wouldn’t know that what Danny did was a big no-no. The Army frowns on what happened in a big way. So big that Danny could have lost rank plus more. So many different things could have happened to him that it’s too many to explain.
What did happen? I can’t say I know for sure because he didn’t tell me. I got a phone call one day where he explained to me that he couldn’t be with me anymore. That it would be the last time I heard from him. There would be no more us.
I tried asking questions. What happened? Why? But he wouldn’t answer me and I’m fairly sure someone was standing there monitoring his phone call. I hung up feeling like my life was over. Like there was no hope for me. I was destined to always be unhappy. I cried so hard that day there was nothing I could do to stop the tears. I went home and hid away from Troy knowing he had something to do with what happened.
Now you would think that we would have gotten a divorce right then and there, but we didn’t. We actually stayed together for another year. I could only assume he did it to get back at me. As for me, I stayed, because I felt like I had nowhere else to go. Like there was nothing left for me.
Shortly after all this happened we transferred to Georgia and within three months he was going out every night with his friends. I started worrying he was probably cheating on me now.
Karma really is a bitch and it always comes back to bite you in the ass.
Chapter Two
Ibet you’re thinking that I deserved everything and, in a way, I agree with you. I didn’t think that back then, but I have grown and matured over time, now I know I deserved it. Well, most of it. Let me tell you about that Karma. Troy was out every night not coming home until the early hours. This, of course, wasn’t smart considering he had to work a few hours after getting home but nothing I said stopped him. Our relationship was casual at best. We tried acting like nothing was different. I ignored the late nights and learned how to basically live by myself. It wasn’t fun, but I was depressed and had given up on happiness, on life.
One day towards the end of our marriage Troy stayed home from work not feeling well. I decided to go to the grocery store to get shopping done. Coming home, I brought the bags in as quietly as possible in case he was sleeping. I surely didn’t want to wake him. After setting the bags on the counter I felt the need to check on him. And this is where things got a little interesting.
I tiptoed up the stairs making sure to miss every creak and groan as I made my way to our bedroom door which was closed. Funny it wasn’t closed when I left, which made me pause for a minute. I stuck my ear to the door and didn’t hear much. I assumed he was sleeping. Slowly I turned the doorknob and slid it open.
The first thing I saw was the TV and playing on that TV was porn. Not just any porn though. Gay porn. Two guys going at it like animals. Now, this took a minute to register as I continued into the room and realized that Troy was not sleeping but actually jacking off.
Troy was jacking off to gay porn. Dick in hand going at it like his life depended on it.
Wait. What?!
Mouth hanging open my gaze flickered between him and the TV as he jumped and tried to cover himself while simultaneously trying to turn off the porn. My brain couldn’t seem to process what I was seeing. Stunned silent is an understatement for what I felt, more like flabbergasted.
So many questions running through my head at once while so many ‘ah ha’ moments happened at the same time. Is this why we don’t have sex? Why did he marry me? Is he gay? I know that seems like a weird question since he was watching gay porn, but hey, you never really know with the weird fetishes in the world today.
I probably stared at Troy for a good five minutes while he sat on the bed with his head hanging down in shame and trying to stutter out an explanation. Hell, my mouth wouldn’t stop opening and closing like a fish out of water. I couldn’t figure out what to say or not to say.
Then it came to me. “What the fuck is going on?” I wanted to yell but unfortunately, it came out a whisper. One I knew he heard because he sighed after I asked. Questions came out in rapid fire, I couldn’t stop. “Are you gay? Why are we married? Are you bisexual? Do you like men more? Seriously, what the hell is going on?” Taking a deep breath, I backed up until my back hit the wall and slide down to the floor waiting for him to say something, anything.
“Can I put on some clothes first?”
I nodded once not realizing until now how uncomfortable this conversation would be if he stayed naked. I watched as he walked to the dresser and slid on a pair of boxers before grabbing his discarded gym shorts at the end of the bed and putting them on too.
Coming back to the bed he sat back where he was before. He wouldn’t meet my eyes. Instead deciding to stare at his hands as they shook a little.
“Just spit it out already,” I say growing a little impatient.
Taking a deep breath Troy finally looked up. “Yes, I’m gay, not bi. I have been keeping this secret for a long time. I married you for one, because I thought I could change it and two, because the military isn’t too open about gays. If they found out about this I would get put out and you know how serious I am about making t
his a career.”
That’s his reason? “Do you even love me?”
“Of course.” I could see regret and fear in his eyes. I felt bad that he couldn’t be himself out in public, at first, but then anger started to take hold. “So, you marry me, put me through hell, ruin my relationship with Danny and you’re gay the whole fucking time?”
I watched as his face hardens. “I admit that I’m wrong for keeping this a secret from you and dragging you through a relationship that wasn’t up to your liking, but regardless, what you did was wrong. It was more than wrong. I might be gay, but I still love you and when I found out about ‘Danny’ as you call him, my heart broke.”
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Why me? What did I do to deserve all this? Karma sure knew how to kick me when I was down. “I don’t know what to say.” A tear rolled down my face.
“You can ask me anything and I will answer it honestly.” Troy scooted off the bed and sat in front of me on the floor. Thankfully he didn’t touch me. I didn’t think I could handle it.
“So, the late nights … you were out with guys?” I asked because I had to know. Was he sleeping with guys the whole time?
“Yes. I, uh, actually have a boyfriend,” he said looking guilty.
My heart sank and sped up at the same time. “What the fuck?” I jumped up to get away from him. “How long have you been with this ‘boyfriend’ of yours?” Did I really want to know?
Shaking his head, he ran his fingers through his hair before taking a deep breath. “Well … I’ve been with him the whole time we’ve been married. He actually moved down here after we did so we could still be together.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? He moved here too? Holy shit, talk about double standards.” I start to pace back and forth in front of the bedroom door. “So, let me see if I got this right. You freak out because I cheated on you and ruined my relationship with someone that I loved and the whole time you’re off fucking other men? Wait not just fucking other men, you have a boyfriend. You’ve had a boyfriend this whole time. You’re doing the thing that you punished me for but when I did it, it was wrong as you just stated before but it’s okay for you to do it? You crushed me for doing the exact same thing?” I huffed out as the tears rolled down my cheeks and off my face.