She can tell you’re lying. A child could tell—
LEFTY
But he sang “Amazing Grace.” And it almost
made you forget what he’d done. Which I
don’t want to talk about.
DUSTY
You’re dumb enough to be twins.
LEFTY
I promised him on a Bible that I would never
tell and I won’t. So let that be the end of it.
LOLA
When do you go on?
DUSTY
Soon as Fish Face stops talking.
LOLA
Thanks for the encouragement.
CUT TO:
29 INT. FITZGERALD THEATER—SAME TIME
GK
Back with more show right after this word
about shoes.
PAT DONOHUE & SHOE BAND (SING)
Talking shoes, talking Guy’s,
Any two, any size.
From your ankle to your toes
At the bottom of your clothes
Talking shoes, talking Guy’s.
GK at the microphone, motioning for DUSTY and LEFTY to come out.
GK
Guy’s Shoes, they’re made to last. And ask
about the Guy’s Cash Shoe, with the hole in
the sole where you can stash your extra cash
and keep it safe until you need it. Isn’t that
right, Lefty?
LEFTY stands at a microphone to GK’s left. And DUSTY next to him.
LEFTY
That’s where I keep mine.
GK
Good to have them with us here tonight.
Please welcome the Old Trailhands
themselves, the Puccinis of the Prairie, the
Beethovens of the Bunkhouse—Dusty and
Lefty!
APPLAUSE. DUSTY and LEFTY nod and bow, wave.
LEFTY
Yes, sir, always good to be on the show,
because, you know, it’s mighty lonesome out
there on the prairie. A cowboy gets tired of
scenery after a while. You get sceneried out
and you wish you had somebody to talk to.
(LOOKING AT DUSTY) Somebody smart.
GK
You miss people out there?
DUSTY
Yessir. Talking to a horse is not the same, and
my horse is pretty smart. He’s good at math
and physics and chemistry, but I can’t teach
him philosophy.
GK
You can’t teach him philosophy?
DUSTY
Nope. You can’t put Descartes before the
horse!
GK
Very good.
LEFTY
Speaking of horses, I want to thank all the
friends and neighbors who wrote in to say
how much they enjoyed “Come Ride
My Pony” that we sang last week. Thanks for all
your cards and letters. Meant a lot to me.
CUT TO:
30 INT. BACKSTAGE—SAME TIME
STAGE MANAGER
Somebody bring me a rifle, I’ll kill the both of
them, the tall one first.
(ON P.A.)
Guy Noir to the stage.
Over his shoulder, the DANGEROUS WOMAN appears. She stands at STAGE MANAGER’s shoulder. He turns and walks past her.
STAGE MANAGER
Hey Noir!
CUT TO:
31 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME
People pass through the shot in the foreground and the DANGEROUS WOMAN looks steadily at the camera as it comes toward her.
DUSTY (O.C.)
One, two—you know what to do.
(SINGS)
I’m just an old cowboy with twigs in my hair
I’m two-thirds alligator and three-quarters bear
And one-half a liar but let it be known
I never told one lie that was not my own.
DUSTY & LEFTY (DUET)
Whoopitiyiyo git along little dogies.
CUT TO:
32 INT. FITZGERALD THEATER—SAME TIME
Onstage, LEFTY looks off at the DANGEROUS WOMAN who is looking at him.
LEFTY (SINGS)
I eat when I’m hungry, I drink when I’m dry.
Don’t boss me or cross me or I’ll spit in your eye.
I think as I please and I say what I mean,
And I think all you women are the finest I’ve seen.
DUSTY & LEFTY (DUET)
Whoopitiyiyo git along little dogies.
DUSTY (SINGS)
I love the prairie, say what you will.
It’s flat and it’s dusty but I love it still
It’s empty and lonely and tedious too
So maybe I’m crazy but what can I do.
DUSTY & LEFTY (DUET)
Whoopitiyiyo git along little dogies.
LEFTY
Here’s the guitar solo coming up.
He picks out a short solo turnaround and looks into the wings. The DANGEROUS WOMAN has disappeared.
LEFTY
Okay. Real good.
(HE SINGS)
I’m sure you can tell by the way we are dressed
We are two cowboys of the Wild West.
Cowboys whose shoes have stepped in manure
Heroes of song and of literature.
We ride in the snow and we ride in the rain
Just like Gene Autry, just like John Wayne
They were better cowboys than us and I mean it
But we are still living and that is convenient.
DUSTY & LEFTY (DUET)
Whoopitiyiyo git along little dogies.
33 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME
LOLA sits on the security desk backstage, and GK sits in the chair. She is holding a guitar and strumming it. Onstage, the show continues, and we can hear the BAND playing.
LOLA
My mother said that you got into radio when
somebody was flying a kite? Somebody
whose clothes came off?
GK
It was a big kite towed behind a boat, and he was on water skis.
LOLA
And he fell and he was dragged through the
water and his red swim trunks came off and
then the kite lifted him up in the air?
GK
A naked man, flying. It was quite a sight.
LOLA
Why didn’t he pull up his shorts?
GK
He was hanging on to the kite.
LOLA
But how did that get you into radio?
GK
Well, that was how I met your dad. He was
flying the kite.
LOLA
My dad? He was the naked guy?
GK
Naked guy with his shorts around his ankles,
flying. It seemed like our chance to leave
town. So we headed for Chicago looking for
a job and we took turns driving. And he was
GK (CONT’D)
asleep in the backseat, when I pulled into a
truck stop in Oshkosh, Wisconsin—
LOLA
He told me about that.
GK
Yeah, I got out and went in to pay for the gas
and then he woke up and decided to go pee,
and then I came back and got in the car and
thought he was still asleep back there so I
pulled out on the highway and went to
Chicago and left him in Oshkosh. And he
went in the coffee shop and there was your
mother.
LOLA
So that’s how I came to be born.
GK
It led up to it, yes.
LOLA
If you had looked in the backseat and seen he wasn’t there, I might not exist.
GK
Well, he and I weren’t getting alo
ng all that
well, so I wasn’t that anxious about him one
way or the other—
LOLA
That is so weird.
GK
Not if I look at you, then it’s beautiful.
LOLA
Yeah, but to think that if you’d noticed he
was missing and turned around and gone
back to Oshkosh, I wouldn’t exist.
GK
Makes it even more of a miracle that you do.
LOLA
So how’d you get into radio?
GK
I was doing a show called the Baked Bean Jamboree—
LOLA
With my dad.
GK
Right.
LOLA
“Happy Baked Beans.”
GK
You know it?
(SINGS WITH LOLA)
Happy Baked Beans are nutritious
Made the natural way.
Give you lots of fiber,
Try some, you will say:
They are nature’s fruit, root-i-toot-toot-toot
Eat baked beans every day.
LOLA
But how did you get into radio?
GK
Well . . . this was after the pontoon boat that
capsized on the Mississippi—
STAGE MANAGER
You are the worst person to tell a story I’ve ever heard in my life.
GK
It just takes time.
STAGE MANAGER
Answer the question, would you.
GK
I’m getting around to it.
LOLA
That’s okay. You can tell me some other time.
APPLAUSE (O.C.)
STAGE MANAGER
You’re on. Go.
GK jumps up.
CUT TO:
34 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE DRESSING ROOM
DONNA knocking at the door.
DONNA
Chuck? I’m ready for you now. Chuck?
CUT TO:
35 INT. DRESSING ROOM—SAME TIME
DONNA opens the door, freezes, has slow shocked reaction.
DONNA
Chuck? Are you decent? Chuck?
CUT TO:
36 INT. DRESSING ROOM—SAME TIME
CHUCK AKERS sits in a chair, head back, mouth open, eyes closed, his guitar in his lap, his arms draped awkwardly over it. He is wearing a shirt, undershorts, and socks, and there are candles burning on the table.
DONNA
Chuck?
She stands over him, studying him. She shakes his shoulder lightly. She touches his face.
DONNA
Oh my God.
She feels for his pulse. She puts her other hand on his chest, looking for a heartbeat.
DONNA
Oh Chuck. Why’d you have to go and do that
now, ya old bugger? This was supposed to be
your last show. You were supposed to get a
trophy. . . . Now what am I supposed to do?
Huh? Just tell me that.
DONNA pulls a sheet over CHUCK AKERS.
CUT TO:
37 HALLWAY OUTSIDE DRESSING ROOM—MOMENTS LATER
DONNA closes the dressing room door and puts up a sign: Do Not Disturb. She bows her head for a moment, takes a deep breath, then walks away.
CUT TO:
38 INT. STAGE DOOR—CONTINUOUS
The DANGEROUS WOMAN stands at the security desk, wearing her Twins baseball cap and dark glasses. GUY NOIR sits behind the desk, rummaging in the top drawer for a pencil and paper.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
It’s time for me to go.
GUY NOIR (NOT LOOKING UP)
Okay.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Look at me.
GUY NOIR (NOT LOOKING UP)
What’s going on?
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Look at me.
He looks up. She leans forward.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Listen very carefully and don’t be afraid. I
am the angel Asphodel. I come to do my
work and bring mercy into the world and to
carry out the Lord’s will and honor His holy
name. With every breath of my being may I
proclaim the glory of the Lord.
The DANGEROUS WOMAN takes off her dark glasses and baseball cap and shakes out her hair.
GUY NOIR (DAZED)
If you want to be an angel, sweetheart, hey—
I’m all for it. You’re angelic enough for me. I
say, spread your wings and fly.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
This is a revelation—
GUY NOIR
Hey, for you and me both! Mind if I ask a
question?
DANGEROUS WOMAN
I know your question and the answer is no.
GUY NOIR
You’re not, huh?
DANGEROUS WOMAN
No.
CUT TO:
39 INT. DRESSING ROOM—MOMENTS LATER
In dim light, GK sits in the corner, his jacket off, his feet up on a chair.
DANGEROUS WOMAN (O.C.)
I used to listen to your show. Until the night I
died. My name was Lois Peterson.
The DANGEROUS WOMAN sits on the dressing table, her legs dangling down.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
I was driving to this cabin up north and you
were telling a story and I started laughing
and I lost control of the car and it skidded
into the ditch and flipped over and, as it did,
the thought crossed my mind that the story
wasn’t that funny. And then I was standing
in this tall grass and looking down at my
own body. My head at a weird angle. My
neck broken when the car flipped. I was on
my way to the cabin to meet my lover Larry.
We had planned this for two months and
your story caused me to lose control and I
died. My head was flopped over like a
chicken’s. You sort of killed me, in a way.
Isn’t that interesting?
GK
I’m so sorry.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Of course you are. But I don’t miss my life. I
did for a while but then I got over it. I sort of
miss licorice. And martinis. All those
different cheeses they have. I remember these
soft white cheeses that Larry and I would
melt and we’d sit out on the porch and dip
slices of bread in it.
GK
Fondue.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
I’ve been trying to think of that word. What
is it?
GK
Fondue.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
It was famous. Is that the word? It was good.
Tasted good.
GK
The melted cheese?
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Yes.
GK
Maybe you mean fabulous.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Fabulous. Yes. Fabulous. Fabulous. I like the
B there. Fabulous. But I’m okay with being an
angel. No regrets. Not really.
GK
You’re really an angel?
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Of course.
GK
What do you do? Well, that’s a dumb
question . . .
DANGEROUS WOMAN
I comfort people who are desperately sad.
And I take people up to God. That’s why I
came. But you know, I always wondered
about that story and why it was funny.
GK
What story was it?
DANGEROUS WOMAN
It was about penguins.
GK
Oh. Right. The two penguins stan
ding on the
ice floe.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Yes.
GK
Prairie Home Companion, A (movie tie-in) Page 8