by Brynne Asher
I fist his shirt in my hands tighter and get the strangled words out, “You need someone better, Tony. You deserve someone better.”
“Stop talking,” he demands.
I don’t know how much time goes by that we sit on the floor while I cry it out. Finally, I try my best to pull in a lung full of air to calm myself and say shakily, “I need to go.”
“You’re not going anywhere. It’s good you brought the dog, you’re staying with me. There’s no way I’m letting you leave,” he demands.
“No, Tony, I can’t. Don’t you see?”
He pulls my head back from him and pushes his fingers up in my hair again to hold me steady. He looks at me with gentle eyes and says, “What I see is someone blaming herself for something that isn’t her fault. I see a beautiful woman who has an even more beautiful heart. You’re terrified of letting yourself be happy and not forgiving yourself for something that needs no forgiveness. I told you way back you have a beautiful life and I swear to you, you’re going to realize it sooner than later. But you cannot take yourself away from me again. Never again, Leigh. Promise me.”
I look up into his burning eyes, trying to reconcile all he’s said. He knows it all now. I got pregnant knowing Preston didn’t know nor did he want a baby. I was weak, needed something to love and thought a child would fill that void.
I must not be responding fast enough, because his fingers flex in my head and he bites out, “Promise me. I need your promise, gem.”
Because I’m weak and can’t help it, I finally give in and nod my head. I don’t know what else to do. I see the tension leave his body. He almost slumps in front of me, resting his forehead on mine while closing his eyes with what seems like relief. A relief that exposes him completely. Exposing himself to me is beautiful. Exquisite. He opens his eyes and pulls back enough to sweep my face only the way he can. Another gift.
“Thank you,” he says softly. He moves gingerly to his feet and puts a hand out to help me up.
I get up without his help so I don’t hurt him and say while wiping the tears away from my face, “I guess you don’t have an infection?”
He puts his hands to my face again, his thumbs sweeping my cheeks and pulls me close. I see only his eyes as he says, “No, I don’t have an infection. But I do have you back.” He kisses my forehead, yet another gift I’ve missed dearly. He goes on to say, “Come on. I’m tired. We’re going to bed. I’ve missed sleeping with you, sweetheart. It’s been a long two weeks.”
Exhausted from my crying jag, I don’t have it in me to fight him after all I just bared. In my weakened state, I allow myself to admit I’ve missed sleeping with him, too. More than anything.
He takes my hand and I look around to take in more of his house as he pulls me around the corner, down a short hall into his bedroom. Now I feel like we’re in unchartered territory. There was something strangely natural about Tony working his way into my bed before. Coming to me every night to make sure I didn’t dream or comfort me if I did. I mean, we were at Gabby’s house, I’m just a guest there and it’s not even my bed.
But this is Tony’s bedroom. A very nice bedroom. There’s a huge chest along the side wall in a dark honey color, probably pine and very distressed. Facing his bed is a low dresser in a grey with another television mounted over it. The bed is covered in beige linen fabric with a wood frame painted the same dark grey. It’s messy and unmade with tons of pillows. On either side of the bed stand mismatched nightstands, both in the same matte black finish, probably something Gabby refinished for him.
He drags me to the huge pine dresser, opens a drawer, yanks out a t-shirt and shoves it my way. He turns me, gives me a shove and says, “Bathroom’s in there. Help yourself to whatever you need. You can use my toothbrush.”
I stop dead in my tracks and turn around to say, “I’m not using your toothbrush.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not, that’s why not.”
“I don’t mind,” he says.
“Well, I mind,” I shoot back.
I must be too dazed from my recent drama, crying jag, revealing what I revealed, taking in his bedroom and on top of all that, him offering me his toothbrush. Quicker than I realize, he grabs me behind my head and pulls me to him with his mouth landing on mine. I open mine to protest, but it’s too late because his tongue dips immediately in my mouth to sweep mine.
Again, it’s like a caress. Another gift. I can’t help but to feel it down to my soul and melt into him. I’ve missed his caresses terribly. He takes control, his tongue dancing with mine and I feel his hand at the back of my head and his other angled down my back with his hand on the side of my far lower hip, holding me to him tight. His lips are strong and he tastes incredible. He slows down our kiss, but doesn’t pull away, holding my face close as if to savor the moment.
As much as he surprised me, he breaks our beautiful moment and whispers, “Finally. That was way overdue. Now you can use my toothbrush.” He pulls me in and kisses me one more time before letting me go. Smiling down at me, he turns me giving me another nudge to the bathroom.
Still dazed by my drama and now my first real Tony kiss, I head into the bathroom to find something to wash my face. Then I brush my teeth using Tony’s toothbrush. As I do this, I hear him letting Mia out and doing some stuff in the kitchen. I change out of my clothes and into Tony’s t-shirt, trying not to let it register how good it feels against my skin.
Leaving my clothes folded in the bathroom, I pad out barefoot to the bedroom as Tony is pulling something else from his pine chest of drawers. He turns and stops. His eyes, intense again but in a different way, move over me from head to toe and back up again, making me catch my breath. He moves to me and putting a hand to my jaw, he lifts my head to kiss me softly on the lips. Letting me go, he walks around me without a word and goes into the bathroom.
I let out my breath and move to his big bed. It’s bigger than the one we sleep in at Gabby’s. I climb in, tuck my knees under his big shirt and wait on him. When he comes out of his bathroom in nothing but his normal pajama pants, exactly like he normally comes to me, my eyes go directly to his new scar on the left side of his torso. It’s still pink and puckered, marring his perfect body.
With my legs moving on their own accord, I rise to my knees and shuffle myself to the edge of the bed. He comes straight to me and I bring my hand up to his puckered still healing incision to gently run my fingers over it.
Not able to look him in the eyes, I stare at his scar and ask, “Are you still in pain?”
“Pain, no. Discomfort sometimes? Yes. But it’s not bad.”
I feel my tears start again and have to make myself look up to him. His hands come to my face and through my new tears I quietly state the obvious, “You were shot.”
“Don’t,” he says.
“I could have lost you,” I whisper.
“Leigh--”
“I was scared,” I go on.
He sighs and closes his eyes. Opening them he returns, “I’m sorry, gem. I never want you to be scared again. Have you been dreaming?”
I quickly lower my head to look at his scar again, not wanting to answer.
“Leigh?” he presses.
I give my head a small nod. I hear him breathe in before I feel his thumbs come to my chin lifting my face to look at his and he promises, “I’ll take care of you.”
Feeling so badly I wasn’t here to take care of him. I pull in a steadying breath and try to change the subject, “When are you going back to work?”
“The day after tomorrow. But I’ve been working from home.”
“You need to rest, Tony. Your body needs to heal. You shouldn’t overdue it, you’ll create scar tissue” I lecture, letting the nurse come out in me is easier than thinking about what could have been.
“When do you have another shift?” he asks.
“Not for three more days, why?”
“You can make sure I rest tonight and tomorrow. And tomorrow night. How
about that?” he asks smiling.
He puts his hands under my jaw again pulling me up to kiss him softly. I don’t say anything to him but I do give him a small smile. He steps back to pick Mia up, tossing her lightly on the bed. Excited by her new surroundings, she dances around sniffing, searching for the perfect spot to settle in for the night. Tony climbs in, but reaches for the remote on his nightstand and flips on the TV. He settles himself on a couple of pillows and pulls me into his side opposite his scar.
“Should we watch the ball drop, gem?” he asks.
“Sure,” I answer as I allow myself to snuggle into his side, something I’ve missed terribly over the past two weeks. I rest my cheek on his shoulder and drape my leg over his thigh. Having this back again is good. Better than good. It’s perfect and I’m mad at myself for taking it away from both of us.
As I close my eyes and lay pressed up against him, warm and full of life, my emotions take over again. I could have lost him. My tears start as I can’t get the picture of him in ICU having just been shot out of my head.
I can tell he feels my tears as he tries to look down at me and asks, “Sweetheart, why are you crying?”
I shake my head and try to get a handle on it mumbling, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to take care of you. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
His arm flexes around me and I feel his lips come to my head and he says, “Stop crying. You’re here now, it’s all that matters. It’s a new year, gem. I can’t think of any other way I’d rather start it off than having you here with me.”
I nod into his shoulder and let my body relax further into his. I don’t get to see the ball drop. I drift off into dreamless sleep for the first time in two weeks.
*****
I click off the TV and toss the remote to the other side of the bed. Doing my best to scoot us down without waking Leigh or hurting my gut isn’t easy, but I finally get us settled. I wipe her tear streaked face, smell her hair and feel her in my arms again pressed up next to me. It’s better than it’s ever been because she’s in my bed tonight where I plan on keeping her.
The last two weeks have been my own brand of nightmare. Getting shot was a definite low, but having the women in my life, in my life, and not just on a daily basis, but what seemed to be an hourly basis, has been a living hell. My mother, my aunts, my sisters and my cousins have all been cleaning and cooking up a storm driving me insane. They would have driven me insane anyway, but all I wanted was to have Leigh here and that made it worse. It’s been a long two weeks and I hope she was serious when she promised not to leave me again because I’m holding her to it.
I hated being demanding and hard on her tonight, but we weren’t making any progress. I needed her to open up somehow. It was a measured risk but it worked. And getting her to come to me was even better.
But what she told me about her child and how she blames herself keeps ringing in my brain. It kills me this has been in her head all along, ravaging her thoughts, both coherent and incoherent. I have no idea how to get her to stop blaming herself for what that fuckwad did, but even if I have to take it day by day, I’ll get that wiped from her head, too. And the minute she’s mine, I’ll work hard at giving her the baby she wants. My baby.
That thought makes me smile. I roll into her hitching her knee over my hip and slide my thigh up tight in between her legs the way we’ve become used to sleeping. I feel her tuck in close in her sleep and hear her sigh as her breathing evens out again.
Yeah, I can’t wait until she’s pregnant with my baby.
Chapter 7 - It’s Done
I sign the last paper.
I sigh.
It’s done.
Four years of misery. Four years of hurt. Four years of being scared of what could come next, ending in the worst heartache imaginable. I don’t know what my future holds and it’s still scary, but in a different way. I look up at Tony who’s pulling the paperwork together and sliding it into a folder containing the end of my marriage.
Oh, and the paper work changing my last name back to Johnson.
Honestly.
It’s not like I have fond memories of that last name, either, but oh well. Now I’m making a mental checklist of everywhere I have to go to have my name changed. Social Security, driver’s license, paperwork at my job, insurance, banking…even magazines. The list goes on. I guess I’ll think about it tomorrow.
Tony reaches out and grabs the back of my head, pulling me to him for a kiss. This one, soft and sweet. Leaning back just enough he says, “All done. You’re free, in more ways than one.”
I let out a breath and give him a small smile because he’s right. I am free in more ways than one. Free from Preston, free from his abuse and even though I didn’t want to be, I’m also financially free. That’s because I have one point seven million dollars sitting in my bank account.
That’s a lot of money to not want.
I guess when Tony sets his mind to something, he doesn’t mess around. I know what Preston was worth and that doesn’t even put a dent in his retirement or savings, not to mention what our house was worth or even what was in the house. I didn’t want any of it. No reminders. A new start.
Well I sure have a new start and it has come with a boat load of money. I guess I won’t have trouble putting down a deposit on a small apartment. Or paying for Gabby’s bachelorette party trip to Sedona next week. Gabby was insistent on paying my way, but not anymore. Hell, I should pay for everyone to go.
It’s the third week of January. Preston was released from treatment for his pretend addiction to narcotics. I found out he kept his job but was demoted about three levels, which I’m sure is more of a hit to his pride than to his bank account. The judge had no problem giving me what Tony was asking for. But Preston is still awaiting trial for assault charges. He claimed he didn’t know I was pregnant and after speaking with the District Attorney’s office, Tony relayed they don’t think they can get a manslaughter charge to stick.
I really, really want this to be over and done with. Tony is worried Preston will make a plea and I’m hoping Preston will make a plea. I don’t want to testify in court as to what happened that night, not to mention the previous four years. The restraining order still stands, but Preston hasn’t made any attempt to approach me and the only time I’ve seen him was that day back in October in the Carpino Law Offices when I “changed my mind.”
The last three weeks have been different in a weird-sort-of-wonderful way. Since New Year’s Eve when Tony tricked me into coming over to check out his fake infection, he’s been a fixture in my life. Meaning, he has fixated himself in my life without giving me a choice, but I can’t say it isn’t good. In fact, I barely let myself think about it being good and I absolutely won’t let myself think about it being wonderful. Or even perfect.
Tony often kisses me sweet, many a time kisses me slow, frequently kisses me quick and on more than a few occasions over the past three weeks has he kissed me so intensely, I feel like his control is ebbing and he has to make himself stop. To say the least, he finds every moment he can to kiss me. And every single kiss touches me deeply in a way only Tony’s gifts can reach.
But the real kicker is we’ve slept together every night for the past three weeks, either at his house or my room at Gabby’s.
Which again, is honestly weird.
I mean, who sleeps together for months wrapped up in each other, spends all their free time together and never do the deed? Leave it to me to create a scenario like this for myself. Especially after the scenario I just escaped from with Preston. Don’t get me wrong, I am human. It’s not like I haven’t thought about doing the deed with Tony. I have. Plenty. But for some reason, I can’t let myself go there.
And he’s giving me the Tony Torture in all new ways lately. Ever since “I gave myself back to him,” which is how Tony refers to the big event, he’s been back to sweet, kind and gentle. Him being gentle, kind and sweet yet doing it more intimately than he ever has, is more torturo
us than I can take. He doesn’t expect anything from me and I’ve never been with anyone like that. Ever. And I’m not just talking about men. I’m talking anyone, even my mother and sister always wanted or expected things from me.
I guess I shouldn’t say anyone. Gabby’s parents never expected anything from me and gave to me in more ways than I could ever expect. And Gabby has never expected anything from me, either. Tony’s dad insisted on helping me without me paying for his legal services. Not to mention the rest of the Carpinos, bringing me into the fold over the last few months. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised Tony follows suit. He is of their loins and all.
I’ve known Tony a long time and that time incudes his teenage years, not to mention as a single adult man. Not that he’s known to be a man whore so much, but I’ve heard the Tony Lore from Gabby and that Lore includes lots of women. I know he has expectations and I would think those expectations would soon be coming to a head, although he never gives me any indication they are. But he is a man and although he’s proved to me over and over he’s a good one, he’s a man all the same.
I finally had to address this about a week ago because thinking about it was honestly stressing me out. I didn’t want to think about why it was stressing me out because then I would have to admit to myself I was scared of losing him, so I decided not to think about that. But it was wearing on me nonetheless, so I decided to take a step, be brave and address the elephant in the room.
Or the bedroom.
Or more specifically: the bed.
And I did this in bed, with Tony wrapped around me, intimately with him wearing only boxer shorts and me in another one of his big t-shirts and panties.
See?
So weird.
But I forge ahead and say, “Um…we need to talk about something.”
I feel him tense, which really isn’t hard to feel since he’s wrapped around me with barely any clothes on. He mutters, “Why doesn’t that sound good.”
Mustering up all the bravery I can, which isn’t much, I pursue, “No, it’s not not good. I mean, it’s not bad. At least I don’t think it is. I’m just worried about something.”