Luke paid her lots of attention and they danced and drank and danced again before eventually heading back to the apartment.
There was no sign of Ronan the next day, so they just chilled together over breakfast. Then things began to sour as Luke started to go on and on at her about moving to London.
‘When are you coming over?’ he demanded tetchily. ‘Erin, I don’t think that you are making any effort to get a job here. Why aren’t you putting things in motion to make the move?’
‘It’s not that easy, Luke,’ she tried to explain. ‘You were transferred with your job, but my job in Dublin is going okay at the moment and I really like what I’m doing. Declan has been great to me and let me do all the design work for the CD and publicity pack for Lia, this great new singer. I wouldn’t probably get that opportunity over here.’
‘You don’t know that,’ he countered. ‘Anyway, I thought that the reason for moving is for us to be together, that you wanted to be with me.’
‘I do. Why do you think I’m here?’ she teased, trying to placate him. ‘But Luke, you know I’ve only just started to connect with my birth mother … It’s early days, but we are friends and I do want to try to get to know her better and build on it a bit.’
‘She’s not important in your life!’
‘You don’t know that!’ she remonstrated.
‘We need to build lives here, careers here,’ he pressed. ‘Erin, the world doesn’t revolve around Dublin or Ireland, you know.’
‘That’s where my family are,’ she reminded him, ‘and your family too. Mum and Dad are already all angsty about Jack going to Australia for the year with Pixie. If I move they’ll have no one at home.’
‘Thank God for Mr O’Leary and his cheap flights!’ he laughed.
‘I’m serious, Luke,’ said Erin. ‘If I do move over here it would only ever be temporary, for a year or two. But then I would plan eventually, when I have a family, kids, to move back home.’
‘I’m not sure moving back to Ireland is part of the plan. Let’s face it, I’m here working in the London office in a dream job – it’s where I want to be. Maybe you need to think about that,’ he said, getting up and going and getting a glass of juice in the kitchen.
Erin didn’t know what to say. She’d had a wonderful weekend with Luke, but living day to day like this … she wasn’t sure. He worked mad hours; they’d hardly see each other.
‘Luke, you need to give me more time,’ she said, following him into the kitchen and kissing him.
‘Sure,’ he laughed, pulling her close. ‘But just don’t take for ever.’
‘Will you come home next weekend?’ she asked.
‘Don’t think that’s an option. One of the guys in work in my section is having his stag on Saturday night.’ He shrugged. ‘So I’m not going to miss that.’
‘Well then, the following weekend?’
‘There’s a big barbecue in Marcus Stephens’ home. He’s one of the senior partners. It’s a big thing to get invited,’ he explained, ‘so there’s no way I can say no. But girlfriends are welcome. You should come over!’
‘I’ll see about the flights,’ she said as she zipped up her bag and checked that she had everything.
This was the part she hated, saying goodbye to Luke. He walked her to the station where she could get the Heathrow Express. She hated leaving him like this; it might be weeks before they saw each other again. This whole long-distance thing was shit! Luke was right – she was going to have to make up her mind.
Chapter Forty-seven
KATE WASN’T SURPRISED when erin phoned her and told her what had happened in London with Johnny.
‘I tried to warn you,’ she said, wishing that he hadn’t hurt her daughter so much. Johnny’s ex-wife was right: he did not deserve to be a father.
Kate couldn’t help it, but lately she found herself thinking more and more of Erin as her elder daughter and wanting to protect her. She was so glad that they had found each other and she knew that she would never let Erin out of her life again. They were bit by bit becoming friends; sometimes she felt more like Erin’s big sister, but she guessed that was okay too. She looked forward to meeting her, chatting on the phone, to being a part of her life.
She was at home on Wednesday, about to go out to dinner with Paddy, when he arrived home and handed her an invitation card.
‘I got an advance copy of the invitation for our anniversary party to check before we get it printed,’ he said proudly, passing the white-and-silver card to her. ‘I think it looks great and Liam said he can do them tomorrow. Then we can start posting them out to people to give them proper notice about it.’
Kate took the expensive card with its silver writing and studied it.
Paddy and Kate Cassidy
invite . . . . . . . . . . . . . to join them
to celebrate 25 years of marriage
at their Silver Wedding Anniversary Party
8 p.m. on Saturday 20 September
at 125 Bayview Park, Sutton, Co Dublin
R.S.V.P. 5 September
Kate held the invitation. It was beautiful, so classic and perfect. Paddy always did everything right, organized everything so well.
Twenty-five years of marriage … She was such a fraud to deceive someone as honest as him. To have lied to him, pretended to him, to have kept so much hidden!
‘Hurry on, Kate, we’ll be late,’ he urged. ‘We can talk about it over dinner and try to agree our numbers.’
She sat on the bed, touching the writing on the card.
‘Paddy, I need to talk to you.’ She gestured for him to sit beside her.
He looked puzzled. ‘Are you all right? Are you sick? I’ll phone them and cancel it.’
‘Please, just sit down. I have something to tell you,’ she said, barely able to speak. What if he hated her, never wanted to speak to her again or see her? But she couldn’t keep up the lie any longer.
He sat down beside her and she could see the worry and concern for her in his eyes.
‘What is it?’ he said, reaching for her, wanting to comfort her.
She took a breath, the sigh so big that she felt she might never breathe again.
‘Paddy, I have kept something from you for so long,’ she began. ‘I was afraid to tell you, ashamed. I thought that you would look down on me if you ever found out.’
His eyes were intent on her face and she could see fear reflected in them.
‘I had a baby the year before I met you,’ she said. ‘A little girl.’
‘You had a baby?’ He looked absolutely shocked.
She nodded silently.
‘You had a baby before our Sean was born?’
‘Yes,’ she said, looking into his eyes. ‘I gave her up for adoption. I couldn’t keep her. The father and I broke up. I couldn’t tell my dad or anyone. Paddy, I was stupid and scared. I talked to the social workers and the adoption agency and they organized everything for me, arranged for her to be adopted. I felt it was the best thing for her … and for me.’
Paddy said nothing. He didn’t shout. He didn’t scream at her or hit her. Just nothing, sitting there quiet at the end of their bed.
‘Why didn’t you tell me when we started going out?’ he demanded angrily. ‘When we were getting married?’
‘I couldn’t tell you,’ she said. ‘It was a secret.’
‘Some bloody secret!’
‘I was afraid. It was bad enough that I’d lost my baby! I couldn’t have borne it if I’d lost you too, Paddy.’ She sat on the bed, tears sliding down her face.
‘And why are you telling me now after all this time?’ he pushed. ‘Why now?’
‘It’s because she has come back into my life. My daughter found me. Her name is Erin and somehow she got this address and came to the house. I couldn’t believe it. She’s twenty-six years old and lovely and intelligent and bright. I’m not ashamed of her, Paddy, or of being her mother any more.’
‘Years of lies and secrets, Kate! W
hy didn’t you trust me?’
‘Paddy, I was just young and scared. I thought that you might stop loving me.’
He said nothing. He wasn’t denying it.
‘What about the father? Were you in love with him?’
‘I thought that I was at the time,’ she whispered. ‘We were in college—’
‘Have you seen him since, had any contact with him?’ he continued, serious.
‘Not for years, but Erin has been trying to contact him, she wanted to meet him. So I phoned him, told him about her. We met to discuss it. But he has no interest in Erin. He told her that when she went over to London recently to see him.’
She stopped, then went on, ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you, Paddy. I’m sorry. Sorry for keeping it secret. But I’m not sorry about having Erin,’ she said firmly. ‘I have a lovely daughter and I’m not ashamed of that.’
Paddy got up. He didn’t look at her or touch her. He began to walk around the room, pacing up and down. Then he grabbed his jacket from the wardrobe and left. She listened to his steps on the stairs, and the hall door bang.
She sat on the bed, empty and drained, alone. Pulling the quilt over, she curled up. It was what she had feared for so long – that the information would destroy them. She had delayed it for years by keeping Erin’s birth a secret, but the inevitable had now happened and Paddy was gone.
She lay there for hours as the room went dark, listening to her breath and her heart and the ticking alarm clock on Paddy’s side of the bed. Then she heard it – the key in the door and his heavy footsteps coming back up the stairs, walking towards Sean’s bedroom, then suddenly in the darkness she felt him beside her, warm and strong, lifting her into his arms.
‘It’s okay, Kate. It’s okay,’ he repeated over and over again as she clung to him.
Chapter Forty-eight
NINA WAS ENJOYING the summer days pottering around the garden, going for walks and working up the illustration for the story she wanted to re-tell. They’d had a few barbecues with friends and family, but she so wished that Tom would take some proper time off and come on holiday. He always seemed to be busy on that iPhone of his, taking calls and answering emails and out seeing clients at all hours. He had barely been out in the boat at all, which was most unlike him, and if he did go he tended to go off sailing for hours on his own. She was hurt that he hadn’t even asked her out once; okay, she wasn’t the best sailor in the world, but on a good day when there were no gales blowing she enjoyed the peace and joy of skimming along the waves in a strong breeze with the wind in their sails.
Two or three times she had asked him about when they were going down to the small summer house they owned in West Cork for a break.
‘Tom, please let’s go down to the cottage for a few days. We both need to get away from everything and have a break.’
‘I’ve no time for a break,’ he had answered, distracted. ‘I’ve far too much on. You go on your own if you want.’
Hurt, she said nothing. She didn’t want to go on her own; she wanted him to come with her. Tom badly needed to unwind and relax. She was worried about him and whatever he had got himself caught up in.
He seemed to get texts at all hours, which he then would disappear outside to read and answer.
Taking one of his summer linen jackets to be cleaned one day, she discovered a name and a phone number in the breast pocket: ‘Caroline’, and a number …
Consumed with curiosity, she phoned the number and heard the sound of a woman querying who was on the line.
‘Tom, is that you? Is that you?’
She dropped the phone.
Lizzie was back from her holidays with Myles in Portugal. They had had a great time and she called over to see Nina for lunch to show off her tan and her holiday photos.
‘When are you and Tom heading off to Schull?’ Lizzie asked. ‘I’m surprised that you are still in Dublin.’
‘We’re not sure yet, but probably in a week or two. Tom’s very busy.’
‘Well, that’s a good complaint at the moment,’ said Lizzie as she tucked into her salad.
It was very hot outside and Nina had put up the parasol over the table on the patio. She had made a big dish of potato salad and chives and had served it with some cold barbecued salmon and tomatoes and lettuce from the garden.
‘Mum seems to be doing fine. Charity is so good to her and having you here while I’m away means I can relax and not worry.’
Nina laughed. She and Lizzie had a sort of tag-team arrangement that one of them would always be around for their mother if the other was away.
‘Are you working on anything?’ Lizzie asked.
‘The Happy Prince illustrations are finished. I’ve no idea when the book is coming out, but I am pleased with them. But I’ve started working on something new. Do you remember Granny used to tell us the story of the Selkie Girl? Well I’m trying to do a version of it. I’ve always adored that story.’
‘Has it been commissioned?’
‘No, I’m just drawing and painting it myself. It’s not a very popular story, so a publisher might not even be interested in it, but I just want to do it.’
‘Sometimes I envy you,’ admitted Lizzie. ‘You get such enjoyment from what you do.’
‘But you enjoy your job too!’
‘It’s hardly the same thing, working part time as an accountant,’ she laughed, finishing off her cup of herbal tea. ‘Anyway, I’d better get going.’
‘Lizzie, have you ever worried about Myles?’ she found herself asking as her sister started to get up.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean about Myles and other women?’
‘No,’ Lizzie protested, laughing. ‘Why would I? We have a great relationship and don’t hide things from each other. What is this about, Nina?’
‘It sounds crazy, but I’m worried about Tom. Hopefully I’m just imagining it. I found a phone number for some person called Caroline and he’s bought new clothes and changed his hair and seems to be constantly away on business.’
‘Nina, I think that you are wrong. Tom is old fashioned like Myles. He wouldn’t mess around with another woman! You’re just imagining it. You’re putting two and two together and getting five!’
‘I know I’m probably totally getting things out of context,’ she said, embarrassed.
‘Look, I’ve got to run, but just talk to Tom,’ advised her sister as Nina walked her out to her car in the driveway. ‘He’ll give you a straight answer.’
So she waited up for Tom to come home that night to talk to him. She waited and waited until it was well past midnight. When he did eventually come home, he was surprised to see her waiting up for him. He’d obviously been drinking.
‘Where were you?’ she demanded.
‘Out.’ It was the kind of oblique answer Jack used to give when he wouldn’t tell them he had gone drinking with his buddies when he was seventeen or eighteen.
‘Who is Caroline? Were you with her?’
‘Nina, this is utterly stupid. It’s very late and I have no idea what you are talking about. I was out in town with an important client. He wanted to go to Bucks, that night club place, and I went with him.’
Out nightclubbing – she couldn’t believe it!
‘Tom, what the hell is going on?’ she demanded. ‘What’s happening to us?’
‘I have an important early-morning meeting tomorrow and I am not talking about this now,’ he said dismissively. ‘I need to get to sleep. And I’ll sleep in the spare room tonight. That way I won’t wake you in the morning.’
Sleeping in the spare room? They never slept apart unless one of them was away or really ill. Nina couldn’t believe it. Tom wouldn’t even discuss it with her. He hadn’t even denied knowing this Caroline woman. Whatever was happening with him, he obviously had no plans to tell her. They had always talked things out before. If they argued they’d stay up till all hours trying to find a solution or resolution to it. But this was different. Tom was shutti
ng her out as if she was not important to him any more.
She could hear him moving around the next-door bedroom, falling into bed, and then the sound of his deep, heavy sleep. She couldn’t sleep. She was far too upset and tossed and turned for what seemed like hours. She couldn’t stick this tension and fighting between them – she had to get away.
Chapter Forty-nine
AFTER LAST NIGHT’S row, nina announced to tom before he left the house in the morning that she was going down to West Cork. ‘Since you are far too busy to come away, I’ve decided to take your advice and go to the cottage myself.’
He seemed a little surprised but made no effort to stop her.
Escaping to Oyster Cottage, their West Cork hideaway, was exactly what she needed, she thought, as she packed up her bags and art materials and put Bailey in the back of the car.
The old house was about a mile’s walk from the village of Schull and had great views over the sea and the surrounding fields. When the children had been younger they had usually decamped here for about six weeks every summer, but now they could come and go as they pleased. It was such a retreat; she always found it so relaxing here and a good place for working.
She was still annoyed with Tom, but she was in no mood for big fights and dramatics; she just needed time to think and this was the perfect place to do that.
The cottage was stuffy and warm when she arrived and she opened the windows to air it. Jack and his friends had come down for a few days about three weeks ago but the grass needed cutting again. The garden was bursting with wild purple and pink fuchsia and spiky, tall montbretia. It was heaven. She had stopped off and filled up with a few groceries at the local supermarket and so, switching on the radio to Lyric FM, she unpacked quickly and made herself a sandwich and a mug of tea.
Tired after the long drive from Dublin, she needed to stretch her legs and decided to go for a walk with the dog along the road up towards Colla Pier before it got dark. It felt like coming home. She could feel her tension and anxiety suddenly ease as she walked and took in the wild, rugged scenery all around her.
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