by Blythe Stone
Avery squirmed in the front seat and Holland looked back, turning around so she could look at me.
“Well, I think you should definitely forgive yourself,” Holland said.
“It’s just something I’ll carry,” I said, looking up at her so that she’d know it could never be simple like that. “I’ll always know what I did. It’s not like I’m up at night thinking about these things, I’m not. But I know where I’ve been and what I’ve done. It’s not about forgiveness, it’s about awareness. Don’t you have things like that? Things you’ve done that you regret, things that make you who you are now?”
Of course I turned it heavy. Five seconds with me and everything’s heavy.
“Yeah. That part I understand. Everyone has those things. So, then you met Avery and the world was rosy again,” Holland waved her hands.
Some joke...
“More like, for the first time,” I said, sort of annoyed that anyone could think that was funny.
“Ah, my mistake,” She smiled, fully aware that she’d hit some kind of nerve. “She’s absolutely the best, isn’t she?”
“I’m sorry I’m so serious,” I said. I didn’t like her not knowing me. I didn’t like that all this information was probably dangerously fragmented and hard to combine. “But yes… She is.”
“Hey, I’m right here and this isn’t good for my ego. If it gets too big I might float off into the sky.”
“I’d deflate you,” I promised.
“Good. I need a good deflating.” Avery said as she turned the car.
“So, is this your first long-term relationship?” Holland asked.
“Me?” I said, confused for a moment. “Yes,” I answered “It’s the first relationship I’ve ever even considered a relationship, if that makes any sense?”
It felt wrong to call it long-term. As much as I wanted to feel like we’d known each other a while, Avery and I had only known each other a few months.
That, in and of itself, killed me.
My parents were going on 30 years.
There was just no way for me to feel security in our time allotment.
I could feel security in the intensity and the change in me and the promises and the experiences that we’d had but time wasn’t a helping factor right now. Time was a blaring sign of obvious insecurity. If anything, time made me feel doomed.
“You’re lucky to have found the right one the first time around.”
She meant well.
“I’m lucky to have met Avery at all,” I said. “Meeting Avery instantly changed me. She made me see myself like no one else ever could.”
“Okay, now I’m just going to get weepy and weird,” Avery said. “Now, I’m okay with you talking about me like I’m not here.”
“Shush,” Holland said, “We’re chatting.”
“I’m just saying this isn’t a round one or even a: okay, I guess this one will do. Meeting Avery changed me. It was instant. I’d never felt that before. It was more than whatever you’re thinking.”
“I think that’s amazing,” Holland said. “I honestly wasn’t thinking anything. I was just asking.”
“You know I’m the daughter of a judge right? I know a leading question when I hear it.” I was kidding but I wasn’t about to tell her that.
“I’m serious! I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just trying to get to know you. I’m happy to know that you’re so in love with Avery though because she’s sickening when she talks about you. It’s too cute.”
“Hey!”
We both ignored Avery’s protest.
“I was kidding,” I smiled. “And I’m serious, ask me anything. I really don’t mind. I want you to know me. I want you to feel like Avery’s safe. Just like I want Avery to feel safe and I hope that she is.”
“I do,” Avery said. “Not always when I’m out in the world but I always feel safe with you.”
“Okay, I guess I do need to get me one of these soulmate type people,” Holland sighed.
Avery parked the car in the lot that ran along the sand in a modest row. The beach was busy but not too bad. We all got out and made our way down to a good spot. I secretly wished I had brought some fruit or something from home.
I laid my towel down and took my top off to just lay in my suit top and my skirt.
They could do whatever, I just wanted to sleep for ten years and repair myself.
I wished I had questions for Holland but I didn’t know what to ask. All the important things were things I could never guess at or lead to. Holland was lucky. She had the usual questions to fall back on. When I asked her questions I just sounded like some nosy freak. Not that I would usually mind that but this situation was different. I really did want Holland to know that I loved Avery very much.
So far I don’t think she understands that.
So far- she referenced the length of time we’ve been dating and asked about my past. I was sure I came off suspect.
On paper, as far as love goes, I’m a piece of shit.
I laid my face down on my arms and tried to stop thinking.
Holland and Avery got up together and walked down the beach for awhile, leaving me to soak in the sun. Minus the Avery fight, this whole day had been therapy for me. Sun on my skin, Karen Carpenter telling me her life as much worse, my mom, being a friend.
Sooner than I thought, I felt someone sit down next to me. I could tell right away that it was Avery.
“I just told Holland what happened earlier,” she began to explain. “I feel like such an idiot for getting confused. I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it but I just can’t stop thinking about how afraid I get. I think it’s because I’ve been wandering around in the dark for the last three years and now that I see light I don’t know how to not get blinded sometimes. Neither of us are freaks because of what we like. That part I’ve always been certain about.”
“I don’t want to scare you,” I said. “Not if you don’t like to be scared.”
That was the thing. I knew I liked when she scared me sometimes. I knew sometimes all I wanted was for her to be a little terrifying in that way. She woke me up.
But: if what I did made her feel sick? I didn’t want to do it.
I just had no way of knowing what she felt.
“I wasn’t scared last night. I was excited. It doesn’t scare me.”
“No,” I said. “I know it scares you to think you could be like him. I know that scares you. I know you think about that. And no matter what I like it feels wrong to even dance with the idea of making you feel those feelings. That’s why I’ve tried not to all this time.”
And that’s what she said… Maybe it was smart.
“I know,” she sighed. “I know I’m not like Ben. I’m at peace with that now, I think. I expected to have flashbacks or trauma from what he did but I don’t. At least, not when we’re having sex. At night sometimes when I’m sleeping.”
“Peace from something like that is hard to come by, I think,” I spoke out loud.
Your past was something you’d always carry, unless you had your mind wiped, like they do in books or movies, a lobotomy.
“I won’t ever fully have it but I’m okay,” Avery said. “I know that or I will be.”
“Are you saying you have nightmares?” I wondered, concerned.
She’d breezed over that. She always breezed over the most important things.
“Yes, I do but that’s normal, right?” She looked off to where Holland was walking along the beach, talking on her phone near the break.
“I don’t know what’s normal…” I said, watching her, worried. I had no right to be any sort of judge on what she’d been through.
I wished I could erase her bad thoughts.
“I don’t want to rush you into being okay with anything. I want to not trigger you. I want you to know I love you. That’s all,” I said seriously.
There were people laughing down the beach, having fun. I watched them and felt my heart break just a little. We
couldn’t even do normal things.
Avery’s voice brought me back to her.
“I know you do but I want to try it again. Only if you want to,” she said.
Try again? After all this...
“Maybe some time,” I said, not knowing when I’d ever feel like letting it happen again.
“Okay,” she said, a little deflated. “I love you too by the way.”
“I know that baby,” I said. That was never the question.
I rolled onto my side to look at her and take her hand.
“Are you worried about me?” I asked nervously.
“What do you mean?” She looked down, puzzled.
“You asked me if I wanted to talk to someone… Like a specialist...”
She didn’t speak for a second so I went on.
“I’ll admit,” I said. “There was a time I did want that but you talked me down and it wasn’t about this, at least, not really. In a roundabout way I guess it was. That time it was about Ben.”
I hated to bring him up with her. I always did. We’d gone months now without fighting. I had to think that was because I never rocked the boat and never brought this stuff up.
“Do you think I should see someone? Would it help you if I did?” I asked openly.
My mind wasn’t the greatest space, I knew that. How many times in the past few months did I have to stop and ask myself if something was my fault.
…
Too many times…
“I only said that because I figured they would tell you that it’s normal,” Avery shrugged.
I couldn’t tell though. I could never tell if what she was saying was the whole truth. She could just be saying what she thinks I want to hear.
“I’m more worried about it causing stress in you than I am about it being normal,” I said truthfully. “I never cared how weird it was before you. It didn’t matter then. Now it matters.” That was fact.
“Maybe I’m the one that needs to see someone.” She pushed some sand around with her hand. I loved the sight of her in the sun. I loved her here, semi-quiet, blonde hair unbrushed, so effortlessly beautiful. But her words were new and they burrowed inside of me becoming more important than anything else. They overshadowed this time and this place. Picturesque as this was we had been putting off reality.
“I’m not saying that baby…” I pushed, needing her to know. “I’m just saying I will see someone if you think it’ll help with us.”
“No, you’re not the one who has issues. I know you’re not saying I should.” Sometimes when she talked I had no idea where these things were coming from. I’d ask a question about me and all of a sudden she’d be revealing secret thoughts she had, thoughts she never shared. “I am,” she said, saying she was the one who needed to see someone. What did it mean? “Even though last time I did- I think- it wasn’t helpful. This is different, I guess. And it wouldn’t be the same person. I’d be willing to try.”
“Wait… You want to see someone? When did this happen?”
What about the way she reacted with that whole Bipolar scare?
“I don’t but I’m worried because I keep getting confused and messing things up with you,” Avery said. “I’m worried that I’m bad at this because of Ben and because of my family crap.”
“Do you remember what I used to tell you when you used to say things like that?” She hadn’t said something like that in a while.
She shrugged.
“I used to tell you, I’m not an easy person to love. And you’d get mad at me,” I reminded.
It was true though. It had always been true. I was bad with language and I kept things secret and I didn’t express when I needed to express. I didn’t use plain words. I kept things in and made things worse.
I acted on intuition more than face-value talk. The sand in my fingers was soothing but it couldn’t fix me today.
“You’re easy to love but I have a hard time understanding sometimes. I’m not easy. I know that. I’ve never wanted to try though and now I am. I just want you to be happy,” Avery explained.
“I want you to be happy too Avery,” I said, feeling it deep. She was impossible not to love. I couldn’t say that though, she’d backtrack and take my words away, make them not so.
I sat up and got close, seeing her. I let my hand touch her face, my thumb touch her lips, my eyes see. “I don’t want things to be hard for you,” I said, eyes weakly focused from all the pain of the truth.
I was hard. That was the truth. I was hard.
She never believed me but the last two days had been undeniable proof. She wasn’t like this when she wasn’t paying attention to me. I did this to her. And I hated knowing that because I wanted her more than I wanted anything else.
I leaned in and kissed her, closing my eyes just to feel her all the more.
“Life’s hard sometimes but it’ll be fine since you’ll be there.” She kept her eyes closed for a few seconds before opening them to look at me and then speak again. “We have a long time to figure all this out.”
“I know,” I said, searching her for all her unsaid thoughts and all her burning fears.
“What?” She blinked and refocused. “I feel like you’re asking me something without saying words. Should I add telepathic to the list of your talents?”
“I’m just seeing you,” I said, tucking my bottom lip into my mouth and turning away to lay down again.
She lay down too and we just looked at each other, not saying a word until Holland came back.
“Hey, come on you two. I’m ready for food,” she ordered.
“Alright,” I said, watching Avery still, completely obsessed. I liked her serious face. It was my favorite. Of all the faces.
I got up slowly and took my time, shaking my towel out and folding it up. When I tried to start walking Avery took my bag and my towel away so my hands would be free. Too polite and almost annoying.
We got back in the car and Avery drove to Mi Hacienda, this large Mexican restaurant just outside of town. We got a booth. They lit candles and a mariachi band kept circling the whole place and playing a bit here and there. The sun still hadn’t quite gone down but it was getting there.
I listened while Holland and Avery talked about some things from their past together. Apparently they loved Mexican food and they used to frequent this one place that had gatos all over. They had all these jokes about gatos and the crazy old man who would come in with his violin and tell wild stories.
“I wish I’d met you sooner,” I laughed. Holland’s stories with Avery were so refreshing. Up until now most of Avery’s stories seemed really dark or they were stories I didn’t like knowing about like Avery and Skylar and The L Word marathons on Skylar’s bed. Or Clint kissing Avery. Or Avery’s mom not being there. Too many people let her down. Holland was very different.
“Same here.” Holland sat back in the booth and sighed from being full. “But I’ll come visit again and then I’ll tell you the real dirt on Avery.”
“No fair,” Avery said. “I’m an angel and there is no dirt,” she tried to cover something up.
“Okay, yeah, now I need the dirt,” I said. “You can’t just bring up the dirt and not spread the dirt around. That’s rude. Gimme something,” I pushed.
If I was an idiot I’d ask about Adam. But I wasn’t an idiot so I wasn’t about to fucking go there. I didn’t need Avery getting even sadder on a day when I’d already stressed her out.
“Hmm, let’s see- when we were in middle school Avery actually thought that the crabs from the ocean could give you an STD.” Holland punched Avery’s arm and laughed.
“Okay, that does not even surprise me,” I chuckled. “Also, I hardly consider that dirt.”
“How’d you two become friends?” I knew Avery’s version. I wanted Holland’s. I needed Holland’s.
“Middle School. Avery had a huge crush on me,” Holland teased.
“So, you had a crush on me too,” Avery said back.
“Yes, and th
en we kissed and it was weird. So, we were just best friends after that,” Holland explained.
“It’s cute you liked each other enough to try,” I laughed. I imagined how strange it felt to kiss that boy in middle school, I guess he was a friend… But because we kissed- and I didn’t like it- he stopped seeing me. It was sad. The comparison wasn’t apt. I kissed him out of pressure and guilt. More than once. And he tried to do more.
“It was the reason I knew I wasn’t straight,” Holland said.
“Me too,” Avery chimed in .
“What? Because you thought you were attracted?” I asked, confused. If there was no chemistry wasn’t it all just infatuation? A misunderstood crush? That’s what it seemed like to me.
“No, because then we bonded over how hot one of the girls in our class was,” Avery explained, laughing.
“Animals,” I said, shaking my head unimpressed.
“Yes. And then Avery moved away and I had to find someone else to talk about hot girls at school with.”
“That isn’t all really. We just talked about what sexuality meant and how we felt about it. It wasn’t so much about drooling over some girl,” Holland said.
“That’s sweet you had each other,” I said. “It probably helped.”
I thought about 8th grade and how happy I was to graduate and go to Huntington and be done with Country Day, the lonely place. A lot of people were like me there but I didn’t really connect. It was more normal there though, not to connect. That’s why connections for me were so interesting. They really were rare.
“It was nice to have someone I wasn’t afraid to talk to,” Avery said.
I just smiled. It couldn’t have been fun being ripped out of every new place.
“It was different here. I didn’t want to have friends at first. Then I was fine with having the kind of surface friends that I had. Skylar was the only one I really thought of as a good friend. I mean… is.”
Yikes… Can of worms.
Did she really want to talk about that?