by Blythe Stone
“I’m sorry.”
“I know,” she said quietly, rolling onto my side and hugging herself to me.
“I shouldn’t have.”
I kept still, my arms holding her but not squeezing. I hadn’t wanted to either. In my desperation to connect, I ignored.
“It's okay,” she said weepily, through sniffles as she kissed my skin.
I shook my head. “No.”
It was never okay if she didn't want to. There was no point in explaining an action that wrong.
“Just hold me,” she asked shakily.
I did. I held her, trying to feel what she was feeling. I wanted to know if it was like what happened to me. That’s not something I could ask.
She sniffed and I used the robe lapel to wipe her face free of tears. I needed to know how bad I’d just hurt her. Was it quantifiable?
She laid her head on my chest and kept her eyes closed, occasionally kissing my skin. I wanted to feel her against me but I wouldn’t take off her robe. So, I let her lay, Light came through the window, reflecting in the glass. I could see the pool outside, glowing and blue.
Faint noises came from the living room, whatever show Holland was watching. I listened to that and the sound of Olivia breathing. The noises from outside were next. I picked them each out and listened until I could put all of them back together and tell what kind of song they made together.
Then I felt myself drifting. I’d have the dream tonight. I wouldn’t go anywhere though. I’d let it happen. I’d live in it and then I would wake up. Olivia would be there. I’d be wrapped in her and I could feel okay. She’d even tell me that it was okay again but that moment when I attacked her in the shower would always be a part of the nightmare now. Maybe it would fade, maybe it wouldn’t. I had years yet to see.
A river of ice… broken piece of it floating on the surface. I stood on that small piece able to see the shore but unable to reach it. It was so far but I was floating away. When I tried to move I was blocked by a sheet of clear crystal ice. My hand beat on it but it was thick.
I was in a room, surrounded by glass and people were on the other side, looking at me. I could feel them thinking. I just wanted out. I needed to get out but it was impossible. The glass was cold, hard. It shrank, closing in on me until I was in such a tiny space that I couldn’t move. Hands reached in and touched me but they hurt.
I couldn’t see. Now, on a boat with a big sail. The water was choppy, a storm coming in. Olivia is below and I want to go to her but I have to keep sailing. She’s been gone too long and I don’t know if she’s okay. Waves start coming, crashing over the boat and making me fall back onto the deck. I know she’s drowning down there.
I crawl and crawl, trying to get to her but the ocean is tossing us around like a toy. My hand finds purchase and then another foothold appears. I push myself down below and fall into the water that has taken over the cabin.
Then I’m in the ocean and I can see everything. It’s cold and there’s a cliff to one side. She’s at the bottom but I’m running out of air. I go for her anyway. Her arms float and her face is lifeless but when I touch her she wakes, screaming but it’s muffled by the water. I pull at her, trying to free her legs from whatever is holding her to the ocean floor.
I take in water, breathing it, knowing that this is it. I’m going to suffocate and she’s going to watch me die. That will kill her. I pull her close, kiss her. Thinking that it’s the last time but she gives me air and I’m okay for a moment but she’s giving me the only thing keeping her alive and I need her to live. She tries to kiss me again but I back away even as she’s yelling.
“I love you,” I say.
I’m dead and I can see everyone and everything. It’s okay except I’m forgetting something. I’m walking through a house, white wispy curtains flow in the wind. I’ve been here before. Everything is white and wood, the floors feel cold under my feet. It’s nice after the heat outside.
I keep walking through to the bedroom. There’s a girl in the bed. I know it was my bed too and she’s asleep. I walk up to her and look down. She’s beautiful, so much that it hurts. I stop, gasp. My love. I reach down and try to touch her but I can’t. My hand won’t go.
“Olivia.”
She doesn’t stir and I’m stuck watching, hearing the wind blow through the curtains. That wind that brings the storms. She rolls over and her eyes open. She’s looking at me. No, she’s looking through me.
“Olivia!”
She smiles but it’s not at me. I can’t turn but I know someone else is there.
“I thought you’d never get here,” she says.
“I’ll always come home, baby.”
I go cold. It’s not me. Someone’s loving her and it’s not me. I know the voice. It’s…
She pulls the covers off and I can see the bump. She’s pregnant. My hand goes to cover my shock. I back up and some force pulls me to the wall. I’m watching as he comes into the room. He puts a hand on her stomach and smiles, kisses her and then he sees me.
“Who let you in?” He smiles but it’s ugly.
He runs his hands over her face making sure I can see and he turns her so I can see that she’s smiling and happy and then he grabs her neck and twists.
I scream but it only brings him closer. He drops her body and he’s on me, in me, killing me but I’m already dead so he just hurts me over and over. Stabbing, pushing, punching and then I’m Prometheus, chained to a rock, being killed by Ben Bradford over and over.
I opened my eyes in the dark.
“Avery!”
I look at her. She’s shaking me. “Olivia?”
“You were dreaming,” she said.
I pulled her in, crawling onto her body. She was real and alive and I could touch her.
“I’m sorry.”
I never want to go to sleep again. Instead, I’ll just watch over her. She was talking but I was so focused on feeling her, making sure that blood still flowed through her that I didn’t hear.
“What?”
I put my hands on her face looking into her eyes. She was alive and she was mine.
Chapter Nine
Olivia
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Avery had woken me up, on accident, with a kick and I watched her for a moment. I could tell she was struggling and that she’d been struggling alone for some time in the night, in her head. Sweat coated her body, I touched. She was shivering but not too cold.
A bad dream, I thought instantly.
This was what she’d been talking about.
She’d mumble.
“No.
Always come home.
Who let you in?
No!”
That last one was hard.
It was the tears though. The tears made me see more than anything else that she wasn't okay.
I shook her and tried but it wasn’t enough.
When she cried, “STOP,” I shook her harder and yelled her name more than once.
I realized I felt a little crazy but then she woke and relief overtook me.
She pulled herself into me, crawling ontop of me and burying me beneath.
I wasn’t really ready to feel trapped but I knew this was a special case so I tried to relax.
“You were dreaming,” I told her. “It was just a dream. Not real.” She was holding onto me so tight. “You were talking in your sleep, screaming. You were scared.”
I didn’t like it. Her hands around me held desperately and I knew it had been bad.
“I’m here,” I said. When I looked at her though I could tell she wasn’t really with me yet. She reached up and forced herself to look down at me. It was like she wanted to come back. “Avery,” I tried, looking right at her and trying to get her to see into my eyes. She said she’d made a map. It was my face. I was here. She was seeing it now but still...
“Are you okay?” I asked, scared.
I wanted her to come back from wherever it was she just had to be.
&nbs
p; She’d talked about staying up at night. She’d talked about the dreams.
I didn’t like thinking about what they could be. I could ask her but then she’d have to relive them again and who knew if they were even the same. To ask would definitely be wrong.
I huffed a breath through my nose and felt helpless.
“Talk to me,” I asked shakily.
I let my arms and hands come up to feel at her body. I knew that would help.
Tangibility led to strength. When she was like this, and I touched her, she thought about me, remembered me. I knew I needed to. I knew it would help her.
“I’m right here,” I said, moving my hands slowly, reminding her that I was real.
“Come back to me,” I asked, thinking about that other time, before, when she thought I was Ben.
I felt better now than I had before sleep. Stronger; less vulnerable.
Sleep repaired me in that way, it rarely tried to steal me and hurt me like it was doing to her. Sleep revitalized me while it took from her and for a moment I wished we could trade just so I could know how she felt, just so I could be the one to have to fight it alone in the dark and save her for once.
The pain wasn’t right. She shouldn’t have to relive it.
“I’m right here baby,” I said, trying to keep my eyes open. We probably only slept for two hours, that was it.
Even in dreams she was somewhere else.
I hated it so much.
I wanted to fix it but it wasn’t something I could fix.
The way she stared at me, seeing. My fears were right, she was wondering if this was real or if she was going to be torn away again, if she was going to perhaps move into another dream and then another, away and away and away.
“I’m real,” I said, reminding her.
“You were gone in my dream. He killed you.”
No.
“I was always here,” I said. “He can’t touch me.”
“Okay,” she said, looking around to make sure, searching out ghosts and past demons in a room where we both safely lived.
I wondered if I should get up and turn on the light.
What could possibly make her feel safe?
Her hand went under the covers between our bodies and she felt my stomach, smoothing her hand over it again and again. Then, she sighed and deflated, the panic gone. “He’s not here,” I said. She was on me and I couldn’t move without thinking it would scare her for me to be physically away for even a second.
“I’m here,” I said, breathing shakily and trying to get her back. “What should I do?” I asked, nervously.
“It's fine, I'm fine,” she said, rolling off of me and curling up into herself.
I rolled onto my side and pulled her to be at least halfway on me again.
“I'm sorry I woke you up.”
“Don’t,” I said, pushing her hair back and trying to calm it. “I’m glad I woke up. I’m glad I could get to you.” If I hadn’t woken up she’d still be there right now. Not alone; with him.
“In the dream I couldn’t get you out of the water. You tried to give me your air but I wouldn't let you because you would die again so I just drowned.”
So it was dream after dream…
“I didn’t drown,” I said, touching her face with my hand. I moved my lips to hers and kissed her softly.
“I knew you would be okay as long as I didn't let you save me but that was the least bad part.”
“You can tell me,” I said. I didn’t want to ask but if she wanted to tell me I wanted to know.
“He got you pregnant,” she whispered. “How fucked up is that?”
“See,” I smiled without meaning to. “That really does sound like a nightmare.” What kind of what?!
AVERY!!!!
I felt I should scream but I was smiling and that was rude.
She choked out a laugh. “You were looking right through me ‘cause I was invisible but he smiled and killed you. That was the worst.”
“It was just a dream,” I said, knowing it was far more complex and damaging than just a few images. All the scenes could be interpreted; I could read life into everything. Avery was scared to help me. Avery didn’t want to lose me. Avery would let herself die to save me. Avery felt lost without me. And on and on and on… Every little part of her dream was riddled with insecurity and I could read it like a book and I hated that because now I knew…
We hadn’t covered much ground…
In her dream she was just like before, walls and armor, barricades; a fortress.
“It's all illogical and I don't even know why I can't stop feeling it. I just want to move on.”
“Move on, how?” I wondered.
What did she mean?
Where did it start?
Where did it end?
“From thinking about him. When I'm awake I feel like I am and then I go to sleep and he's there sometimes. Not as often anymore. I was doing good. I hadn't had one like this in awhile.”
So I triggered it… Something I did.
“I’m sorry baby,” I said, kissing her forehead and wishing I could go back.
I’d woken her up to him again. I’d mentioned him in the past two days. It could’ve been before though. It could’ve been me just telling her about how gone she’d been.
We’d fought too much. I made her mind active in ways others just couldn’t.
I made her be present, made her scared.
I knew it was a bad idea to tell her.
I knew the whole time. That’s why I didn’t say.
Right now I’m lost.
I don’t know what to do…
I shouldn’t have pushed her, not at all.
“I love you,” I said, knowing it couldn’t fix anything or drive anything away.
I was the only one in her life that pushed her to think about him.
I never meant it in the way that it happened but I was the only one in her life who did that to her.
I couldn’t just forget that and claim zero responsibility.
Everything about me with her was a mess.
It’s like we were born in flames or like Harry Potter and his scar. She couldn't think about me without feeling that connected pain from Ben. She had one weakness and I was carrying kryptonite.
I was beginning to wonder if I could ever really make her feel good…
“I love you,” I said again, trying to hide all the pain in myself. I hoped that these thoughts were wrong. I hoped they would go away soon.
I kissed her face in different places, tasted her sweat and her tears. Tasted how much I fucking loved and wanted her.
I didn't know how to talk anymore…
Every time I talked I ruined things, fragmented her.
I didn’t want to hurt her. I never wanted that.
“I love you too,” she held onto me. “Stop it.” I drew back. “Blaming yourself,” she said. “You do that when you blame yourself for things. This is me. I was ignoring it instead of facing it.”
“Do what?” I asked, worried.
I wasn’t doing anything, I was just loving her.
If I couldn’t talk to her and I couldn’t love her, what could I do?!
I stayed still, my eyes drifting to try and find something on the air, a flake of something I could fixate on and hold.
“This isn't your fault.” She pulled my face down to hers. “I don't mean stop kissing me. I just don't want you to feel bad.”
I relaxed a bit. But only a bit.
I sighed and shut my eyes.
There just wasn’t anything I could do.
“Olivia?”
I opened my eyes and looked. “What?” I asked.
“Can we go somewhere? I don't care where. Just for a few days.”
“Of course we can,” I said, swallowing it all down. “We can go anywhere you want.”
“I really don't care where as long as we go together.”
“Okay,” I said. “We’ll go then.”
She wanted t
o run and run and run. She always wanted that.
“I think I hated my dad for leaving so much because I'm like him.”
“He taught you to think it's normal,” I said. “You never got to stay.”
It was sad. I hated that thought.
“What do you think I should do?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
If she wanted to go somewhere she should go somewhere. If it could help, it’d be good.
“I’m not sure if I'm being a coward or not. You can tell me. It’s okay. If I were anyone else in the world what would you tell them?”
“I’ve never thought that baby, that’s crazy. If you were anyone else in the world I’d tell you to do what you want, do what makes you feel good.”
“All I want is this.”
“We have this everywhere and we can have this anywhere we are. If it helps to go somewhere else, we can go somewhere else. It’s not cowardly or strange. It’s something we can do. We should do it.”
“I just thought it would be a good time since we’re off.”
“If you ever feel like you need to go somewhere, we can find a way. You don’t have to wait for the right time… How long have you been wanting to go somewhere?”
“Just right now,” she squeezed my arm. “Are you okay? I know that probably scared you too.”
“I’ll be okay,” I said.
Stupid fucked up dream.
Of course I wasn’t okay.
“Stupid question. I know how much things affect you. It’s okay though. All this is normal for someone like me.”
“You don’t have to worry about me right now,” I said.
“If I said that to you would you stop worrying?” She laughed.
“These things are happening to you, not me. It’s not fair for you to have to worry about me too. It’s not right.”
“They're happening to you too because of how close we are. I'd say the same thing if I was you but I can't be okay with you not being okay. So, I guess we'll just have to not be okay together.”
“I’m fine,” I lied.
“I'm not going to argue but I know.” She played with the neck of my robe. “I know,” she mumbled.
I sighed and tried not to notice how easy it was for her to rattle me while simultaneously turning me on.
“I just want to graduate and have the summer for us already.”