by Blythe Stone
“Will you tell me about your photos?”
I took her hand and turned around to face her. I knew she’d have some hidden away or maybe even in a portfolio that I’d missed somewhere.
“You’ve seen some of them, I’m sure,” she said. “My room at home. I had some framed on the walls…. The treehouse too. I even have some of my paintings up there. The ones I couldn’t bear to throw away anyway.”
“But yes, of course,” she relented bashfully. “I can show you more. Tell you about them...”
“Thank you,” I pulled her along, not even looking at the art anymore.
I was looking at her. “Why would you throw your paintings away? Did you dislike them that much?”
She sighed. “It’s like anything,” she said, the question exhausting her. “Momentary…”
“Sometimes I just would see them and hate them. Sometimes I would look and see all the spaces where I could’ve done better. All the flaws. Other times I would see something in me that I didn’t want other people to notice so I burned them or tore them up. Mostly though I just knew I had no reason to keep a record of these things. Why should I cling onto this piece I made if I was the only one who was going to see it anyway? I dunno,” she sighed. “It’s complicated. Different reasons I guess. Imperfections. Memories. Failings. I just didn’t need them around. Staring at me, reminding me of things. The ones I kept, I kept for different reasons, all different. The ones I like too… My photos don’t make me feel so bad like that. I started painting young. Photos came later. They’re still personal just...” She stopped talking. “It’s not the same. People don’t read as much into photos sometimes I guess. They don’t think it could mean so much to you. A moment. A single strand of light. A small shadow...” She stopped herself again.
“Ah, I need to look at them again,” I said. “I want to see you in them. I know I’ve passed them and been around them tons of times probably but it’s different when you’ve described how you feel about them. Because it’s not like anyone else’s art where I want to bring my own interpretation. That’s not why I look at them and feel them out.”
We walked out into the courtyard, which was dotted with sculptures. They were all different. Some obviously by the same artist and some were meant to be touched and felt. I stopped, sitting down on a bench and looking around. Taking it all in at one time was impossible. Even just the property was a work to be appreciated, handpicked stones, well placed pieces, that pond with the koi fish, and that grass that looked insanely expensive.
None of it mattered though, really. Olivia overshadowed it all, attracting my eyes more than ever.
“I like peering into your world, being in it and living with you. I love that I am the one who gets to see it and you. I’m sorry I’ve been dumb about that. I wanted to appreciate everything about you and I ended up losing myself.”
“Okay,” she sighed anxiously. She seemed peeved. “Are you trying right now?” Her eyebrows pinched together.
“I’m telling you what I feel. Period.”
Every time I tried to express that I was seeing her it seemed to come across as something entirely different, like I was being fake or something.
“Sorry,” she sighed, relaxing. “You’re just doing that thing you do sometimes where you’re just surprisingly present. I guess I don’t know how to take it.”
“Oh, well, I wasn’t trying anything. It was literally stream of consciousness. Probably just me confusing you because I’ve been less than stellar at being your fiancé.”
“I’m just nervous,” she said. “We haven’t had much time to do things like this.”
“I understand. It’s a lot. I feel like I’ve been going through all these growing pains.”
“No,” she said. “I like it. I like it.. A LOT,” her lips tightened. She seemed scared but relieved.
“You’re just afraid that it’ll go away again when we go back.” I looked down at my hands for a second and then back up at her.
“No,” she said. “I just haven’t had you like this in awhile baby… Just you. Just me… Not in a bedroom. Not in a restaurant. Not with other people around. A clock ticking. Other things stealing you.”
“I shouldn’t have let that happen. Time with you like this is… A better way to spend the limited quantity of time we have.”
Now, I just felt a little morbid but it was true. Enjoying being with her. Just being in the same space and talking and seeing, that was the best.
“Babe, I’ve already told you, I know you didn’t mean to. You were just busy. Really busy.”
“Yeah, but it still sucks. I’m not going to do that to either of us. I missed you too and I was stupid enough not to notice.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, hugging her arms in around her body. “I just got worried that you were trying and I didn’t want this to be like something you were trying to make up to me or something. I’d hate that.”
I kept her close. “No, it wasn’t that. I just was realizing… Losing Adam and my dad and then my mom. I lost a lot of time with people I love. I don’t want to do that with you.”
“You haven’t lost time. We were still together. It just wasn’t as much like this. We had moments, bright ones. Lots of them. This is just one long perfect moment and I love it… Okay... I’m gonna stop talking now,” she said, smiling a bit awkwardly.
“So, let’s make it the longest perfect moment to ever exist,” I grinned.
The weather had adjusted and there was some nice shading out here. There wasn’t anyone out in the garden with us. We were alone with the art. Perfect. That was how I would describe today as well. It was one day built from a perfect structure and filled with the best moments. Some of the best I’d ever had with her.
“Well, you already let me kiss the hell out of you,” she blushed. “All of this is just bonus. You know how much I like kissing you like that.”
“Let? I believe that it was you that let me kiss the hell out of you.” I leaned into her, touching our foreheads and pecking her lips.
“I really do think we could have done it all day. Just stayed in bed.” I pulled her hand into my lap and played with it, tracing lines and the edges of her fingers. “We should do that someday. Just pick a day and stay in bed. No people. No clothes. No obligations. Just lots and lots of kissing and crazy intense gazes.”
“You’re making me weak,” she said, thin air, barely audible as she looked around to make sure other people hadn’t heard. “I’d like to do that every day,” she confessed.
“People would start to worry about us but we could build a barricade around the house to keep them out.”
I was kidding but it did sound good.
“We don’t need anyone else,” she said solidly.
“That is the truth. People just get in the way of all of the kissing.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she said guiltily. Always so serious.
“I know. I couldn’t resist though. I’m sorry. I really do know.”
“Stop apologizing, please,” she asked, closing one eye and squinting over at me with the other only half open.
I tried to stop my smile but it peeked through. “Ah, I really am avoiding being a smartass here so I will just agree to stop apologizing and move on.”
I pulled one of my legs up so I could lean into her body, smell her hair and press my lips down into her shoulder.
“We should do a treehouse day. That would be the perfect place to just stay in bed.”
“I miss the treehouse,” she said.
“We should go up there more often. You know, we could stay up there sometimes.”
“I used to spend so much time up there,” she said. “I used to live up there basically.”
“Hmm, I can see you up there reading or painting.”
I wanted to be there with her. Not to disturb what she was doing. Just to watch. I felt like I’d forgotten how much I wanted to know everything about her and now that I’d remembered how strong that need was-
and how urgent my feelings for her were- it hurt that I couldn’t actually be there with her in those times that she had locked herself away up in that tree.
“Everything important to me, I took it there,” she said. “Even you,” she paused. “I don’t think you knew that was a big deal for me. I never bring people there. My parents don’t go there. It’s my space.”
“When you wanted to live in the guest house I was a little mad,” she laughed, remembering.
“But the treehouse is juvenile, right?” She asked. “It’s not normal for two adults to live up in a tree, no matter how nice.”
“Ah, I knew I'd upset you in some way then. It’s not juvenile. I had a few reasons I leaned toward the guest house. One of them was really selfish.”
I stopped playing with her hand and was still.
“Tell me,” she said.
“I knew the treehouse was your special space and I knew you wanted me there but I was afraid you’d come to miss having a place you could go that was just yours to let people into as you see fit. The selfish reason was because the guest house is closer to the pool and I could hear the water sometimes and it helps me sleep.”
“That’s not selfish,” she said, squeezing my hand. “That’s important. And if I’d known I would’ve felt better right away.” She paused, her breath a little shaky. “And as far as me having some place to go to be alone. I haven’t done much of that. Being up there feels almost like a betrayal to you somehow. I’d rather go to our sheets and smell you when you’re not around. That’s stupid I guess but it’s true.”
“It isn't stupid. It’s what you feel. Just like I wanted to protect your space even if I wasn't in it. Sometimes we get crossed up when we want to do things for each other. Can we split time? Would that be something you’d like? The treehouse has a lot of advantages.”
“The guest house is home now,” she said. “It wasn’t at first but now it’s pretty much home. But we can always go to the treehouse, it’s always been there. And it’s always been yours Avery… Like my room and my car and- Well… Me...” She twisted her fingers in my hand and pulled it up to rest over her heart even though she was embarrassed by her own corniness.
“You,” I said with reverence.
I was seriously about to cry but in an entirely good way. It would be a first. I sniffed and wiped at my eyes, trying not to be obvious and failing.
“Awww,” she said, holding my face with her other hand. “Baby,” she said, sitting up and looking into me, wiping a tear with her thumb. “Don’t,” she smiled, leaning in and kissing me sweetly. “It’s okay,” she smiled, knowing I was just overwhelmed.
“I knew it before but the way we’ve been talking and how I feel about you. It's all hitting at once and I'm too happy like I can't take anymore or I’ll pass out. Silly, yeah?” I laughed and cleared my throat.
“Oh,” she said, turning her face away. I could see her blush even though she was trying to hide. “Well, okay,” she said, standing.
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t want you to pass out,” she laughed, trying for distance.
“Well, come back.” I reached for her hand. “Did I embarrass you with my happy high?”
“No,” she laughed, sitting back down. “No, not at all. I just take you literally sometimes. Sometimes I don’t know what you’re feeling, I just know that it’s strong.”
“At that moment I was feeling elation, light-headed, and love- and I could smell your hair so that made it amplify.”
I wanted her to know all my silly thoughts and feelings. Just like I wanted to know hers.
“Mmm,” she said, leaning in and kissing me deeper. She pulled away a second and hugged me close. “I just don’t want to break you,” she whispered, kissing my neck and making her way back to my lips to openly kiss me.
I loved that feeling of forgetting everything else existed. Being taken away by her kisses and touches was even more intense. I didn't care where we were.
She broke it though and I reached up to wipe away more wetness at my eyes.
“Perfect,” I said, describing her lips.
Chapter Fifteen
Olivia
In the Napa Valley courtyard, where no one else was, Avery swept over me like a strong unrelenting wave. She washed over me fully until I was drenched in her and I could feel nothing else.
For months she’d been stolen and distant. For months, it seemed, I was no longer this major event in her life.
I mean, I knew she loved me, I knew she wanted me. I knew that she was busy, too busy to try.
Right now, it was like all that time never happened. We were back to that same place right after the ski lodge, that place where we were each other's, only each other’s, no one else's, no one else.
I held onto that, savored it. I’d cry too if I wasn’t so scared to lose the way I was feeling right now. I wanted this so desperately. I could cry later. I’d cried enough. It was Avery’s turn.
I kissed her, instead of thinking about all of that. Those perfect endless hours of kissing before were only practice for this. So many moments led us to here. Everything stacked on everything else. I was climbing ladders to get to her; always climbing, rung after rung, with sore muscles, just to see her and reach her again.
“I love you,” I whispered, touching her gently and hoping she knew.
She’d starved me of this. It wasn’t on purpose but she starved me, she really did. No wonder I was going insane. I was desperate. And only for her.
“Do you have any idea, how much?!” I asked, realizing that she may not have known. I’d tried to tell her before but my words today- for whatever reason- they swept her up like she was hearing them for the very first time. It surprised me, it all did.
I needed to understand but it was hard to do. I’d tried so hard to let her know exactly my experience, my thoughts, my world. I’d taken her in, asked her to explore.
Why was it taking so long for her to get to me? How is it that she could actually find a way to get lost? I’d always been right by her side...
All it took was for us to really be alone, really really, away from everyone else.
That made me scared though, made me feel like I was brainwashing her or making her remember, forcing her. I didn’t like that thought.
I kissed her hard, trying to wash my dark thoughts all away but they were there and they’d always be there.
This moment was everything, everything. I finally had her again. There wasn’t confusion or remorse or doubt.
She was everything.
I needed her like air or water or blood.
But, fuck me, right?! Fuck me for wanting that and thinking it could ever really be mine.
I pushed my hands at her neck, causing myself to finally pull away. I needed to gain air.
It was too much for just a moment. I felt her too strongly, I always did.
She couldn’t know…
She let me recover, doing the same herself but she kept contact, still leaning on me.
“Love was always an abstract thing to me,” she spoke. “I never could understand it. Now, I might not fully understand everything about it but I feel the beauty and the madness in it. You showed me.”
Words, words, words…
I laughed, confused by them.
“I'm just glad you know,” I said, taking a breath and looking down at our entwined hands.
I didn’t show her anything, not really...
Nothing else could ever be as good as this feeling though.
I let out a sigh.
It was like we were in a painting right now; the sprawling hills, the lonely bench. Vivid colors to paint us with.
Our world was so complete.
That filled me inside, made me happy.
“Yeaaaah, me too,” she said.
She put her other hand on my arm and rubbed up and down. She liked to do that when she was calm.
“So,” I laughed, finally put together for a second. “This place is h
orrible, yeah?” It was so beautiful outside I could literally cry.
In our brief second of silence I could hear music seeping out from inside the gallery. I hadn’t heard it before. Avery distracted me that much.
“Yeah, it’s hideous. I can barely keep my eyes open,” she joked.
“I find it humorous that people thought it necessary to want to put art right here,” I noted. “This whole place is art. It's like we just stepped into a book or a painting. Stepped into the past.”
There were all these structures we had yet to explore: glass bottle houses, fields of groping hands, strange crying statues, crystal looking teepees, but off in the distance I could see the outline of a faint trail leading up a hill to a peak.
“I know. It's like trying to decorate a sunset.” Her voice right now was like sweet sweet honey. Her voice and her words…
Trying to decorate a sunset…
Her words echoed inside me and I felt them everywhere.
“Fuck,” I said, completely giving up, unable to take it. I looked over at her and let myself drink her in. She was so ridiculously beautiful.
“What?” She asked.
It was hard to explain to her all that she was.
Also, hard to be annoyed at her for being so lovely and perfect.
I peered at her, unable to look fully.
“I don't know how much of you I can take on full blast like this,” I smiled in disbelief.
She was usually joking or distracted. She was just so with me right now.
“Come on,” I said, getting up.
I suddenly needed to climb that dumb hill off in the distance. I needed to see all of this from up there. Would it still be magnificent? Would it still be vast and open and real?
“Okay,” she said, following me. “Should I tone it down or… Oh, we’re going… Where are we going, babe?”
Did it even matter?
When had we become so comfortable with one another?! Was it always that way? I knew I always wanted it to be…