by Sarah Morgan
Still shaken by the knowledge that she hadn’t slept with a man before and unaccustomed to finding himself in situations where he had no idea how to react, Silvio ignored the part of his brain that was telling him to haul her back into his arms. ‘I can understand why you blame me, but—’
‘I don’t blame you. It was as much my fault as yours. I’m not a child, Silvio. I take responsibility for what I do.’ As if she couldn’t bear being close to him any more, she slid off the bed and reached for her red dress, every delicious curve visible in the moonlight as she stretched and wriggled back into the crimson tube.
It was like watching an erotic floor show and within seconds he was hard again. It took all his willpower not to drag her back onto the bed, roll her underneath him and repeat the ‘mistake’ until both of them were too exhausted to analyse anything.
‘Why are you getting dressed? It’s the middle of the night and the guests went home hours ago.’
‘This is the master suite.’ Her voice was steady but she didn’t look at him, her hair tumbling over her face as she dipped her head. ‘You sleep here. I’ll sleep somewhere else. I’m sure this isn’t the only bedroom on the yacht.’
In the grip of a volcanic eruption of male hormones, Silvio found it impossible to think clearly. Never before had a woman chosen to leave his bed before he wanted her to, so he had no experience with this type of conversation. ‘You sleep where I sleep.’
‘No one is watching us now, Silvio. It’s just you and me.’ She lifted the torn remains of her panties, her face scarlet as she realised they were no longer wearable. Her eyes met his briefly, and Silvio felt the heat sear his flesh because he had an all-too-vivid memory of the moment he’d removed them from her overheated body.
‘You’re not sleeping in a different bedroom,’ he said thickly, his anger with himself turning onto her.
‘This charade is over, Silvio. You decided that tonight when you ignored me in public and made love to me in private.’
She was prickly and defensive and nothing like the soft, yielding woman who had responded so passionately.
Was she pushing him away on purpose?
He knew she was hurting badly. And he knew he was the reason. Again.
‘I can’t imagine what’s going through your head right now and I don’t pretend to be an expert at reading the female mind,’ he breathed, ‘so why don’t you just tell me?’
‘I don’t believe in post-mortems, Silvio. If I make a mistake I prefer to move on—leave it behind. It’s not a big deal.’
He might even have believed her if he hadn’t known her so well. But he saw the pulse beating in her throat and the way her hands shook as she struggled with her zip. The effort required to look indifferent was draining her.
‘The first time you have sex should be a big deal.’ His voice soft, he watched the colour seep into her cheeks. ‘If you’d told me, I would have been gentler with you.’ He could have said that if she’d told him, he would have stopped, but he wasn’t sure that would have been the truth.
Had he really been capable of that degree of restraint?
She didn’t look at him. ‘It wasn’t the first time I’ve had sex. Don’t be ridiculous.’ She yanked impatiently at the zip. ‘One minute you think I’m a prostitute, the next you think I’m a virgin—you go from one extreme to the other. And neither is correct. Not that my sex life is any of your business.’
‘It’s just become my business.’
‘Give me a break, Silvio. The one thing I don’t need right now is chest-thumping and over-possessiveness. What I do need is air and space. So please don’t follow me.’ Like a trapped animal making a frantic attempt to escape from captivity, she shot out of the room and Silvio covered his eyes with his forearm and swore long and fluently in Italian.
Her body aching in unfamiliar places and her feelings a tangled mess, Jessie took the first set of steps she saw. And then another set.
She was running. Not just from Silvio but from the intense feeling of guilt that sucked her downwards at a terrifying speed. As the panic spread through her like some deadly disease, she felt as though her brother was watching her, his face twisted into a mask of condemnation.
No, Jessie, not that. Not him.
Sleeping with Silvio felt like the ultimate betrayal.
Gasping for air, she found herself at the prow of the yacht and closed her fingers over the metal rail, fighting for control. Out here in the fresh air, with the sea breeze cooling her skin, she couldn’t understand why she’d let it happen.
Why hadn’t she just said no?
Lowering her forehead onto her hands, she gave a low groan of despair. Lying to him was one thing, but what was the point of lying to herself? She hadn’t said no because she hadn’t wanted to say no. She’d dreamed about this moment for as long as she could remember and if it hadn’t been for Johnny…
‘You’re torturing yourself for no reason.’ The soft male drawl came from behind her and she lifted her head but didn’t look round.
‘Go away. I’m not going to jump, if that’s what’s worrying you.’
‘It isn’t.’ He was silent for a moment. ‘Whatever you think, Johnny would have wanted you to be happy.’
Jessie lifted her head and stared into the darkness, listening to the sea and the night-time breeze playing with the mast. The lights from the yacht illuminated the surface of the water and the peace of the night seemed only to emphasise the turbulence inside her. ‘I don’t want to talk about my brother.’
‘You can’t go through life avoiding every subject that hurts.’
‘All right, let me put this another way.’ Her fingers tightened on the rail but she didn’t turn. ‘I don’t want to talk about my brother with you.’
‘Fine. I’ll talk. You listen.’ His voice was rough. ‘If he were standing here now, he wouldn’t be blaming you, he’d be blaming me.’
‘Well, he’d be wrong. You’re not responsible for my decisions, Silvio. I’m the one who followed you into the bedroom—’
‘And I’m the one who crossed the room. I’m the one who finally snapped. It was always going to happen. And Johnny knew it.’
Suddenly it was difficult to breathe. ‘That’s not true.’
‘Why do you think he was always so protective of you?’
‘He was my big brother—’
‘And he felt the chemistry between us. He knew how I felt about you. And he was scared for you. He thought you were too young to be involved with someone like me and he was right. You were.’
His words were such a shock that they took a moment to sink in and when they did the effect on her was profound.
The knowledge that Silvio had felt that way about her for so long was more intoxicating than the champagne and Jessie felt a dangerous heat spread through her limbs. ‘That doesn’t make sense.’ Her fingers were holding tight to the rail. ‘You never looked at me.’
‘And you have no idea how much self-discipline that took.’
It was unspeakably painful, hearing the words she’d always dreamed of hearing when it was too late. But, still, she had to know.
‘I wasn’t a child. You could have said something. I don’t believe for a moment that if you really wanted something you would have let my brother stop you.’
‘I would have done, but then Johnny chose to put himself between us in the most effective way possible.’
Jessie closed her eyes. ‘That’s an awful thing to say.’
‘He was frightened of losing you, Jess. All his real friends had turned away from him. The only people he saw were dealers and people like him. And you. No matter what squalor he lived in, no matter how low he sank, you were always there for him.’
‘He was my brother.’ She whispered the words into the darkness. ‘I would always have been there for him no matter what he did or who I was with.’
‘But his mind was too twisted from the drugs to see that clearly. You were as important to his survival as the syringes and tha
t filthy stuff he craved.’
‘If you hated that “filthy stuff” so much, why did you give him the money to buy more?’
‘Because I made an error of judgement.’
‘And is that what happened tonight? Another error of judgement?’ It felt strange, having this conversation in the semi-darkness, without looking at him. But it made it easier somehow. Easier to say what needed to be said.
‘Tonight wasn’t an error of judgement. More a loss of control.’ Coming from him that was quite an admission and Jessie gave a tiny laugh.
‘Don’t blame yourself. I could have said no.’
‘Did I give you a chance?’ His hands closed over her shoulders, turning her to face him. ‘Did I give you time to think or hesitate?’
‘I could have stopped you.’
‘Because you’re so much stronger than me?’ He gave a grim smile, his hands exerting minimum pressure as he backed her against the rail, proving his point with ridiculous ease.
‘I didn’t say you weren’t strong.’ Her heart was racing in a crazy, dangerous rhythm. ‘I said I could have stopped you.’
‘How?’ The harshness of his tone made her flinch and she wondered if he even realised that his fingers were digging into her flesh.
‘I would have asked you,’ she said softly. ‘And you would have listened.’
And she knew it was true. Yes, he was strong—so much stronger than her that any comparison would have been ridiculous. But she knew he would have stopped if she’d said the word
. His grip on her arms eased. ‘I wouldn’t be so sure about that.’
He was trying to make her feel better—trying to erase the terrible guilt—but she knew that nothing would do that. She’d carry the betrayal with her for ever.
‘We won’t mention it again.’ Jessie stared at a point in the middle of his chest, afraid that if she met his eyes she’d be lured into the same intoxicating paradise from which she’d just escaped.
‘You think that’s it?’
‘Yes, that’s it.’ Blanking the expression from her eyes, she looked at him. ‘Perhaps you’re right, Silvio. Perhaps this thing has been simmering between us for a long time. In which case it’s a good thing that we’ve got it out of the way. We can put it behind us now.’
His hands tightened again. ‘That’s a very casual response from a woman who has just had her first sexual experience.’
‘You’re not my first.’ Desperate now, she selected the words that she knew would drive him away. ‘Which is probably just as well or you would have put me off. Your caveman approach to love-making wouldn’t be the best introduction to the pleasures of the bedroom. Generally I prefer more in the way of foreplay.’ It was a lie, but she must have sounded convincing because his hands dropped from her shoulders.
‘I did hurt you.’
‘Yes, you did.’ She forced the second lie past her lips, wondering why it felt so hard. She shouldn’t care about his feelings, should she? ‘Physically we’re obviously not that compatible.’
‘You’re very small—’
‘And you’re very rough.’ Yet another lie. He hadn’t been rough. True, he hadn’t been as careful with her as he would have been if she’d told him the truth, but that was her fault, wasn’t it? ‘Probably not a good combination. Still, at least we got it out of our systems.’ Jessie turned away, her legs shaking and a sick feeling in her stomach.
It felt wrong to dismiss the incredible intimacy they’d shared with such careless words but it was the only way she knew that might prevent him from touching her again. And it was imperative that he didn’t touch her again.
‘Go back to the master suite.’ He moved to let her past, his tone tightly controlled, his features revealing nothing. ‘Take a bath and get some sleep. I’ll sleep elsewhere.’
So he’d believed her, then.
She should have felt relief that her words had been so incredibly effective.
Instead, she felt sick. As if she’d destroyed something rare and special.
She’d insulted him in the most personal way possible and his Sicilian pride would never allow him to forgive that.
And that, Jessica thought numbly, was that. A few well-chosen words were all it took to kill off perfect chemistry.
The emotional barrier that had kept them apart had been strengthened and was now an immovable force.
Chapter Seven
DESPITE the stress, Jessie slept. But sleep gave her little respite because Silvio featured in every one of her dreams. Unfortunately for her mental state, her dreams had exaggerated him back into the shape of a hero.
He was the man who had rescued her from danger in the alleyway. He was the man who had brought her to safety. He was the man who had made sure that any physical relationship she ever had in the future would be an anticlimax…
With a groan she woke up and buried her face in the pillow.
He was also the man who was responsible for the death of her brother.
But suddenly everything that had been clear was confused.
Instead of blaming him, she was thinking about his hands on her body and his mouth on hers. Instead of hate she felt another, more dangerous emotion that she didn’t dare examine too closely.
And what was the point of thinking about it when it was over before it had started?
She’d driven him away, hadn’t she?
I’ve wanted you since you were eighteen.
Jessie put her hands over her ears, trying to block his words from her head. She didn’t want to think about what would have happened if he’d told her how he felt years ago. She didn’t want to think what might have happened if, instead of keeping his distance, he’d decided to take what he wanted.
She gave a shiver, thinking of what he’d said about everyone deserting Johnny.
He hadn’t deserted him, had he?
He’d been there right until the end.
He’d talked about Johnny being self-destructive and it was true.
She’d wanted to save her brother, she’d wanted him to change—but he hadn’t been able to. And she’d been angry with him for not trying harder.
Confused, Jessie slid out of bed and opened a cupboard. Removing the shoebox from its hiding place, she lifted the lid and stared down at her life.
The photographs were all she had of her brother.
That and the battered, scruffy stuffed bunny Johnny had given her one birthday.
They were all that remained of her past. That, and the memories.
Underneath the photographs, something shone and she dipped her hand into the box and pulled out the locket.
She hadn’t allowed herself to look at it for three years.
Unsettled by her thoughts and desperate for distraction, Jessie dropped the locket back into the box and walked into the luxurious bathroom. But she didn’t feel like lying in a bath with her thoughts so instead she took a quick shower and changed into a simple summer dress.
Then she left the owner’s suite and walked towards the galley. She had no idea where Silvio had spent the night but after his comments the night before, it was fairly safe to assume that he wasn’t going to be anywhere near his own kitchen.
Stacey was there, chopping carrots into tiny batons. When she saw Jessie, she put down the knife and gave a friendly smile.
‘Fancy a coffee? I can make you a cappuccino.’
‘That would be lovely, thanks.’ Jessie settled herself on a stool in the corner of the kitchen and watched as Stacey prepared the coffee and foamed the milk in a jug.
‘So what did you do before this? I suppose Silvio kidnapped you from some Michelin-starred restaurant, did he?’
Stacey sprinkled chocolate powder onto the creamy froth. ‘Not exactly.’ She put the coffee down in front of Jessie and gave a little shrug. ‘Actually, I was in a spot of trouble,’ she said calmly. ‘I was sleeping rough and doing stuff I shouldn’t have been doing. If it hadn’t been for the boss, I’d still be there. Or worse.’
; Jessie poked the foam with a spoon. ‘What did he do?’
‘He gave me a chance, that’s what he did.’ Stacey returned to her chopping. ‘Same as he does for all the people who work for him.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘All the people who work for him…’ Stacey put a pan on the heat and started frying an onion. ‘They nearly all have some sort of past. I suppose it’s because he grew up on the streets himself. He knows how easy it is to get into trouble. But I guess you know that. The boss doesn’t believe in hiding all that stuff, which is good really, because keeping up an act is exhausting.’
Jessie put the spoon down slowly. ‘Are you saying that all the people who work for him have been in trouble? What sort of trouble?’
‘Different stuff. Some minor, some major.’ Stacey added chopped herbs to the onion and removed the pan from the heat. ‘The thing about Silvio is that he’s willing to give you a chance if you want one. He believes people can change if they’re given a chance. But it’s only ever one chance. Mess up and you’re out. But mostly people don’t. If you’re handed a lifeline, you take it, don’t you?’
She’d taken it.
Then Jessie thought of her brother. He hadn’t taken it, had he? ‘Not always. Some people just can’t help themselves.’ She rubbed her fingers along her forehead, trying to ease the uncomfortable thoughts she was having.
Had she been unfair to Silvio?
Stacey rinsed the knife under the tap. ‘Some people are too messed up, I suppose. Or perhaps they just don’t want to be saved. But at the end of the day there’s only so much someone else can do, isn’t there? They can give you a ladder but it’s up to you to climb up it.’
Was it that simple? Silvio should have known that Johnny would misuse the money, shouldn’t he? He should have known that Johnny didn’t have the strength to resist temptation. He wasn’t blameless. ‘Why does he employ people who have been in trouble—is it cheap labour?’
‘You’re more cynical than I am and, no, it’s not cheap labour. He pays well.’ Stacey reached for the olive oil. ‘When you come out of prison, it’s hard to get a job. Employers just won’t take a chance on you. Silvio does. He doesn’t care what’s in your past.’