She felt like a fool for giving her faith to the man and believing him.
Exactly six weeks after the Christmas feast at Hollyhock House, Rhogan’s father, Mayne, made the announcement that his son was betrothed to French princess.
Something inside Juliana died on that day.
Part Two
A GHOST OF MEMORY
Four Years Later
December, 1201 A.D.
Selborne Castle, Hampshire
“He has asked for your hand, sweetheart. I know this is a sensitive subject, but I have told you this many times – he would be worth considering.”
A gentle snow was falling outside of the solar window, blanketing everything in a cloud of white. Juliana could feel the icy breeze on her face, causing her breath to come out in great clouds. She had the oiled cloth curtain peeled back in her hand as she gazed into the bailey of Selborne Castle, where she’d been born. It had been in her father’s family for almost a century. It was home to her, but it was also her prison. She’d hardly left it for the past four years and she surely didn’t care.
A refuge, a prison… it was all the same to her.
And now this. An offer of marriage from Aland de Ferrers, another offer in a long line of offers that Aland had been submitting ever since the Christmas feast at Hollyhock House those years ago. It was a night Juliana wouldn’t speak of, the night when Rhogan had promised her the world and then left her to marry someone else. Over the years, her hurt and disappointment in that incident hadn’t faded much. Instead of an open wound, these days, it was simply a painful scar. She didn’t like to pick at it and neither did her family.
But for her father, it had been difficult to watch his eldest daughter pine away for a man she could never have. His wife had been more tolerant of Juliana’s pain but Val hated to watch her suffer. De Ferrers was an excellent match and, to be honest, he’d put the man off as long as he intended to. Soon enough, Aland would tire of waiting for Juliana and look elsewhere for a wife. And at twenty years of age, Juliana was well on her way to becoming a spinster. If Val had anything to say about it, that wouldn’t happen. Therefore, he tried to be gentle with her.
“Juli?” he said softly. “Did you hear me?”
Juliana sighed heavily. “I heard you, Papa,” she said, letting the oiled cloth drop as she turned away from the window. “We have had this discussion before, you and I. I have known Aland since I was young and he is a nice man, but I do not wish to marry him.”
They were in Val’s solar as Val sat behind his big table, pockmarked from years of use. Seated in a comfortable chair, he watched his daughter as she made her way aimlessly towards the hearth. In truth, he understood her reluctance to marry because, long ago in this very same room, he and his mother had shared many a conversation about his reluctance to marry also. His reasons had been a little different but he understood Juliana’s hesitation just the same. Ironic how he now found himself in the same position his mother had been in those years ago – trying to convince a child that marriage was the right thing to do.
“Before I met your mother, your grandmother and I used to have much the same discussion that you and I are having now,” he said. “I did not want to marry because I felt there was too much in my life that I was responsible for without having the added burden of a wife. Of course, that changed when I met your mother.”
Juliana looked at him. “But you love Mama,” she said. “You were able to marry the woman you love. I will not be able to marry the man I love and if I cannot have him, then I do not wish to marry anyone. Papa, must we really have this discussion again?”
Val nodded patiently. “We must,” he said. “Sweetheart, I know you do not wish to marry anyone other than Rhogan and I sympathize with you. But the fact remains that he is married to a French princess and has been for a few years now. Holding out hope that he will suddenly appear and sweep you away is foolish and well you know it. You are twenty years of age now and would make a fine wife for any deserving man. Aland is a good man and would provide an excellent life for you. He is a lord, after all, and you would be titled Lady Hawkley. You would have wealth and standing. Is that so bad?”
Juliana’s head knew he was correct but her heart couldn’t justify it. Sadly, she shook her head. “Nay, Papa, it is not,” she said. “But I do not love him.”
“It is not expected that you should love your husband. Your mother and I were lucky; ours was a love match. But if you like Aland, then that is acceptable. Marriage is based on many more important things than simply love.”
Juliana knew that. It was perfectly acceptable not to adore the person you married; no one expected love matches in marriage these days. But her heart was so very heavy at the thought.
“How would you have felt if you had married a woman you did not love?” she asked. “To think of the life you have spent with Mama – can you imagine your life without her?”
Val had a feeling she was going to use her parents’ marriage to justify her point and there wasn’t much he could say against it.
“Nay, I cannot,” he said honestly. “But we were very fortunate. Not everyone is so blessed, Juli. You must come to terms with the fact that you may not be so lucky as your mother and I were. Aland is offering you a good home and a place of respect. It is an excellent offer, sweetheart. I would not suggest it to you if I did not feel it was best for you.”
Juliana stood by the hearth, gazing into the flames and thinking of Rhogan. Everything her father said made perfect sense and she was loath to admit that he was correct. She was going to have to let her dreams of Rhogan go, for he had married his French princess and had probably never given her another thought. It was a sad realization, but a truthful one. He had married his lady and, certainly, he didn’t spend his time thinking of her. Whatever love she felt was very one-sided.
Still… she couldn’t seem to move away from it.
“I know, Papa,” she said sadly. “I suppose I have let a young girl’s dreams interfere in everything.”
Val could only hope that she was finally coming to see reason. “That is not true,” he said. “You have held on to your dreams because that is what dreams are for – to give us hope, to bring us comfort. But there comes a point in every man or every woman’s life when they must realize that a dream is just that – a dream. It is not real. It is a wish. Your wishes for Rhogan cannot be. It is something you must accept.”
“She does not have to accept it entirely.”
Vesper, Juliana’s mother, entered the chamber. She had been standing by the door and heard the last of the exchange between father and daughter. A beautiful woman who had hardly aged over the years, she looked very much like her eldest daughter. Her heart hurt for the young woman, knowing what she was going through. She went to her child, putting a tender hand on Juliana’s cheek.
“Dreams are not meant to be cast aside and forgotten,” she said to her daughter. “They are meant to be tucked away in your heart, to be remembered fondly. You do not have to forget about Rhogan completely, my love. But it is his ghost that stands between you and a life of happiness. You feel as if you will not be happy without him; you will never know unless you try. To hold Rhogan up as if he is a real future for you is a waste, and I do not wish to see you waste your life.”
It was unfortunate for Juliana that both of her parents were making sense. Everything they said sounded so rational. But she simply couldn’t let go of the ideal that Rhogan had become to her. Ghost or not, he was as real to her as he ever was.
That would never change.
“I know,” she said miserably. “I know you are trying to help, both of you, but I have always loved Rhogan. You know this. I was six years old when I first realized he was something special to me and I have never overcome that. Rhogan has been part of me for a very long time. I always hoped to marry for love; I hoped to marry him. You and Papa married for love, and my dearest friend Lyssa married her husband for love. Even now, Lyssa and Garret have two children and
she says her life has never been happier. Why can I not have such happiness, too?”
Vesper patted her cheek. “Because you are different from your papa and me, or Lyssa and Garret. You are unique unto yourself and your life will follow the path that has been predestined for it by God.” She dropped her hand and fixed her daughter in the eye. “Do you not understand, my love? God has given you His answer. He has taken Rhogan away because you were not meant to be with him. You must understand that God has a plan for you and you must be accepting of it. To fight it will only make you miserable. You have been miserable for four years now. Certainly you do not like being miserable, do you?”
Leave it to her mother to make everything clear. In such terms, Juliana could not help but surrender to the logic. But she was overwhelmingly depressed by it.
“Nay,” she said. “I want to be happy.”
Vesper kissed her cheek. “Then you must open your heart and allow someone to make you happy. Mayhap that is Aland, who has just arrived. He has come to see you.”
Startled by the news, Juliana’s eyes opened wide, looking accusingly at her father. Val was trying not to appear too guilty.
“He asked to come visit you and I granted his request,” he said. “That is what I have been trying to tell you, sweetheart. Aland has come to see you on this day. He has come to speak again on marriage.”
Juliana’s mouth popped open in outrage. “I do not want to see him,” she said, pulling away from her parents and rushing towards the solar door. “I’ll not have him force himself upon me!”
Vesper followed her. “He will not be forced upon you,” she said steadily. “But it is necessary to spend time with the man if you are to marry him.”
Juliana was back to being agitated. “I did not say that I would!”
Vesper looked at Val, who sighed heavily. “I am inclined to give him permission to marry you,” he said. “You must trust me, Juliana. I am not trying to be cruel. But I do believe this is for the best.”
Frustrated, and in tears, Juliana fled the solar with her mother trailing after her, leaving Val feeling as if he’d just beaten his child severely. He hated to see her so miserable but, in this case, he genuinely felt that his decision was for the best. He couldn’t stand seeing her waste her life longing over a love that would never be returned. It was with the heaviest of hearts that he rose from his chair and headed out of his solar, out into the snowy bailey where his daughter’s future husband awaited.
If she didn’t want to move on with her life, then he would have to do it for her.
Fortunately, the weather for travel hadn’t been too terribly bad considering the snowstorms they’d suffered over the last week. This was the day that Aland had planned to visit Selborne Castle, no matter what the weather. The morning had dawned with a bright blue sky and a landscape that was swathed in white. It was crisp, cold, and delightful.
Standing in the bailey of Selborne as his horse was taken away, Aland surveyed the vast bailey of the very large castle. He could see Gabriel de Nerra on the wall, lifting a hand in greeting to him, and he could also see one of the other de Nerra brothers, Cullen, waving at him from his position at the gatehouse. Gavin, of course, was still in London serving at Westminster, but there were plenty of other brothers that stood between Aland and his rule of Selborne.
Such were his misfortunes in life.
With lands that bordered the de Nerra empire, he’d always wanted control of those lands but it was impossible. Val de Nerra had four sons – Gavin, Gabriel, Cullen, and young Theodore, so the best Aland could hope for was marrying the eldest de Nerra daughter and hopefully gaining some control through her. Any benefits from the House of de Nerra that might fall on her would fall on him as well, as her husband, and he was very anxious to seal a deal he’d been working four long years for.
His motives weren’t entirely self-serving. Juliana was a beautiful girl, and sweet, and he had always been fond of her. He really did want to be a good husband to her, but he would have been less eager to marry her had she been a poor lord’s daughter. Fortunately, she wasn’t, but she hadn’t exactly been eager for his suit. He’d been trying for years and the best Val could tell him was that she simply wasn’t “ready” to marry until the missive he’d sent last week. Val had responded by inviting him to Selborne for a pre-Christmas feast to discuss the marriage and Aland had been more than willing.
So here he was.
With the sun blinding him, he had to lift a hand to shield the glare as he caught sight of someone coming out of the enormous keep. By the size of the man, he presumed it to be Val, so he headed for the steps leading to the keep in order to meet the man. But he put his foot on the first step, which was coated with ice he couldn’t see, and he ended up on his backside in the mud. Val came rushing down to help him up.
“God’s Bones,” Val said, bracing himself as he pulled Aland to his feet. “Did you hurt yourself?”
Aland could see that the whole backside of him was muddy now. “Only my pride,” he said dryly. “And it was such a lovely day up until now.”
Val fought off a grin. “I can loan you clothing while yours is being cleaned,” he said. “Do not fret.”
Aland was wearing a heavy coat, which was the only thing that really had any mud on it. He began to pull it off as he carefully made his way up the steps with Val.
“No need,” he said. “If your servants could simply clean the coat, I would be grateful.”
Val handed the muddied clothing off to his majordomo as they entered the keep. “I’m sure some warmed wine will ease your wounded pride,” he said. “Come along into my solar and let us speak for a time. It has been a while since you and I have seen each other, Aland.”
Aland entered the two-storied entry of Selborne’s keep, a truly lavish abode that had been home to generations of the de Nerra family. There were fresh boughs around the hearth and on the floor, giving the place a smell of fresh greenery even with the snow outside. There was a fire in the hearth, snapping and crackling, as Val led him into another room off the entry.
This room smelled of oak and smoke, with furs on the floor and even on the chairs. There was a big table at one end of it that had all manner of vellum and ink and writing implements. A massive pair of stag antlers was mounted above the hearth, jutting out into the chamber, and Aland paused to look at the size of them. Val glanced up and happened to see where the man’s attention was.
“That was the biggest stag I have ever seen,” he said. “I was hunting with the king in Chute Forest many years ago and brought down that massive stag. Henry was kind enough to permit me to keep a trophy of the animal.”
Aland was impressed. “You have served two kings, have you not?”
Val nodded, interrupted by a servant bringing in some warmed wine and setting it upon the table. When the servant vacated, Val went to pour the steaming, spicy wine for his guest.
“Henry and his son, Richard,” he said. “Your father served Henry as well.”
Aland nodded. “Auden de Ferrers was a devotee of Henry,” he said, accepting the cup of wine. “Did you know my father well?”
“Not too well,” Val said as he went to stand by the hearth. “He was my neighbor for many years but your father spent a good deal of time at his properties in France. Do they still belong to your family?”
Aland shrugged, taking a sip of the steaming drink. “Very little,” he said. “My father also went to war with Henry many times and wars are expensive. The only reason we still have the Hawkley lands is because of my mother. She refused to let my father sell them to finance his wars with Henry.”
Val had heard that, in fact. He’d known Aland’s father for many years and although not good friends with the man, he still knew a bit of the man’s history. Auden had been very ambitious, hence the money he spent supporting Henry, and Val wondered secretly if his son wasn’t the same way. The finest clothing, the finest horse, the finest weapons and schooling… Aland had only known the finest of every
thing. If Juliana married him, she would know the finest as well. An added benefit was that she would be living very close to her parents. Perhaps that was the greatest reason of all that Val was willing to consider Aland.
“It sounds as if your mother was a wise woman,” he finally said. “And you have a sister, too, do you not?”
Aland shook his head. “She died last year. She was a postulate, you know. Yaxley Nene Abbey.”
“I am sorry to hear that.”
“She was sickly. It was her time.”
“It was God’s will, then.”
“Aye.”
The conversation trailed off into somewhat awkward silence. Val knew that the man hadn’t come to chat meaninglessly about his family. He’d come with a purpose, to speak on Juliana, but he was more than likely unsure how to bring up the subject. Therefore, Val simply delved into it. There was no use wasting time.
“Well,” he said after a moment, “shall we speak on something more pleasant, then? Mayhap discuss the heart of your visit?”
Aland seemed to perk up. “Indeed, my lord. How is Lady Juliana?”
Val suppressed a grin at the eager look in the man’s eye. “She is well,” he said. “I told her that you have come to visit. I am sure you will see her at supper tonight.”
“I see.” Aland’s face fell a little. “Am… am I not permitted to speak to her before then?”
Val grunted softly, reluctant to speak of his daughter’s adverse stance on the marriage but thinking he should probably say something. Aland had spent four years pursuing her and, as Val feared, at some point he was going to give up on the elusive Juliana and go find someone else to marry. Therefore, he knew he had to say something about it. He felt the young man should know what was really going on.
“You may, if she is agreeable,” he said. Setting his cup down, he fixed Aland in the eye. “Aland, you have known my daughter for several years.”
The Nutcracker Reimagined: A Collection of Christmas Tales Page 12