by Lisa Bigelow
‘It’s uncanny,’ Elizabeth said, drawing a hanky from her sleeve and dabbing her nose as she looked from father to daughter. ‘If I didn’t know better I’d swear I was looking at you as a bub.’
‘She has to look like me so I know which cave to return to after a hunt.’
‘Oh, Harry, you do say the funniest things. Just like your father. It’s so important to have a husband with a wonderful sense of humour, don’t you think, Mae?’ She threw her head back and laughed so hard Mae could almost see down her throat.
‘Yes, Mrs Parker. My husband is wonderful.’
Harry leaned across and squeezed Mae’s hand and grinned.
Elizabeth shifted her attention to William. ‘Where’s Albert this morning? I would have thought he’d be thrilled to see Harry.’
‘Albert stays at his club in town on Friday nights. He catches up with old friends from his regiment.’
Mae noticed a smirk between Et and William, but the moment passed.
‘I’m surprised he hasn’t been dragged out of retirement,’ Elizabeth said, her gaze fixed on Harry and Katie. ‘The railway must be crying out for engineers with all of the younger fellows joining up.’
‘If things get worse, they’ll probably call him back, meanwhile he’s enjoying bossing the air-raid wardens at the town hall. He’s quite in his element there.’
Et herded everyone into the sitting room. Mim sat beside Harry and asked to hold the baby. Katie had just started smiling and with Mim making a fuss, she broke into a wide toothless grin.
‘Harry, I brought your fiddle,’ Eric said, holding up two violin cases.
‘Great, I’ve been dying for a session,’ Harry said. He removed the instrument from its case and held it to his chest. He plucked the strings to check they were in tune then he drew the bow across them.
At the sound of the familiar chords Elizabeth yipped with joy. ‘“Danny Boy”—your father’s favourite!’
Eric picked up the other violin and joined in.
Mae had forgotten how beautiful Harry looked when he played, and how much she loved watching him, his eyebrows lifting and falling, his mouth grimacing, as though he were summoning each note from his soul. It gave her the chance to examine his face, imprint his features on her mind without him getting embarrassed. And it didn’t matter who was in the room, she always felt that he was playing just for her. When they’d first courted, he used to serenade her with romantic Italian tunes. He didn’t sing; he said the violin did his singing for him. And he hated playing ‘Danny Boy’, because he thought it was sad, but his mother loved it so he always made the effort.
He looked up and smiled at Mae, as though reading her thoughts.
When he’d finished playing, Elizabeth leaned across and put her hand on Harry’s arm. ‘It’s so good to have you home, dear. Tell us about the ship. Your letters say so little. What’s it like at sea?’
Harry smiled. ‘To be honest, Mum, it’s all pretty dull. When I’m not running the men through drills, I wash and iron my clothes, write letters, play cards and chess.’
‘That does sound tedious. What about when you’re in port?’
‘We’re doing lots of repairs, so I don’t have much spare time. She was damaged pretty badly in the Mediterranean. A few weeks ago I went up to the art gallery in Perth to see if I could do a class, but they don’t run a school there.’
‘Poor lamb. It must be frightful. Especially with Mae and Katie being so ill. You must have been awfully keen to get home.’
‘That’s certainly been the worst of it,’ he said, pulling Mae towards him. ‘It’s a relief to see both of my girls doing so well.’
Mae could have sworn she saw Elizabeth frown before she smiled stiffly at Mae, nodding. ‘Yes, she’s a strong woman. A remarkable recovery indeed.’
Harry beamed and squeezed Mae tighter.
‘So what’s really happening on those sorties of yours?’ William asked. ‘Any sign of Jerry?’
Harry relaxed his grip on Mae’s shoulders. He hesitated then looked across at Richard and Eric and back to William.
‘To be honest, it’s all getting a bit worrying.’
Inside, Mae’s heart thudded in panic, but she managed to arrange her face into a calm mask.
‘We’re seeing more and more evidence of German movement in the region. If we don’t stop them in Europe soon, they might help the Japs get a stronger foothold in the Pacific.’
‘Do you think they’ll invade?’
‘No. They’re spread too thin. The Germans are trying to blockade supplies and troops. But the Japs are a problem too. They’ve taken half of China and everyone reckons it’s only a matter of time until they push further afield.’
William leaned forward, rubbing his knee. ‘If they move down through Borneo and New Guinea we’ll be in a right pickle. The papers say the United States must demand full Japanese withdrawal from China. Otherwise they’ll just get more confident and the situation will drag on.’
Harry nodded. ‘We need to shore up our defences in Singapore and Malaya.’
Richard said, ‘What about here? Any activity around the coast?’
‘More than you’d think, mate,’ Harry replied sombrely. ‘We’ve been racing up to ships day and night, making sure they’re all above board, trying to stop the Germans picking off our merchant ships. They’ve already taken a few. We had a pretty exciting trip up the coast last month—found some sort of practice target, but not like anything we use.’
Mae willed her face to stay calm. She wanted to hear his story but she also wanted to cover her ears and tell him not to go back to sea. He wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near danger; he was supposed to be safe.
She glanced at Harry, whose eyes had narrowed, as though he were reliving the moment. ‘It was a clear day; we could see for miles. We were cruising way off the coast and out of nowhere we came across this thing bobbing around in the ocean: a big raft with trellis built up on all four sides—about fourteen feet high, very strong, built for heavy seas.
‘We stopped for a while to make sure there were no subs waiting to take pot shots, then we lowered a dinghy with a few fellows to check it out. They towed the thing back to the ship and used the Walrus crane to lift it onto the deck. It looked pretty new. The enemy must have been practising with it, took off when they saw our masts on the horizon.’
William thumped his fist onto his bad leg. ‘So you were within a few minutes of an enemy raider off Western Australia?’
‘Looks like it. One bloke joked about a Kiwi ship being off course, but most of us were chilled to the core. To think they were that close and doing target practice…’ Mae heard a slight catch in Harry’s voice. She squeezed his hand a little tighter and pulled their clasped hands to her chest.
‘Surely there can’t be enough Germans around here to do any real damage,’ Richard said.
‘They can sink our ships and mine the ports,’ William said. ‘It’s madness that we’re not hearing the full story. That newspaper mate of yours should do more, Harry. People need to know how hairy things are getting in our own backyard.’
Harry spoke quietly: ‘It’s hard to know what the government makes of all this. It seems to be a case of “so far so good”, but that could all change tomorrow.’
Mae nodded slowly. Everything will be fine, just a few months more, she told herself. The navy would never let the Sydney out on its own if the enemy really were that close. There was no way they’d risk losing their greatest warship.
CHAPTER 8
* * *
AFTER HARRY’S FAMILY LEFT, he sat at the kitchen table with Katie firmly in the crook of his arm, feeding her a bottle while Mae and Et did the dishes. Albert was home from his club and William could barely keep his eyes open.
‘She’s a trick, isn’t she?’ Harry said fondly, not taking his eyes from the child.
‘Well, son,’ Albert said, ‘you’ve certainly taken to this fathering caper. A natural, I’d say.’
‘It�
��s not hard when they’re like this, all sleepy and warm.’
‘She’s not always like that, you know. Sometimes she keeps us up for nights on end.’
‘Albert, I can’t tell you how much—’
Mae’s uncle waved away his thanks. ‘We’re happy to have them both here. Given all of us oldies a new lease of life it has. Especially Et. She has real get-up-and-go again.’
‘I don’t know how Mae would have managed without you all, nor me for that matter. When I heard what happened, I just wanted to come straight home.’
‘Mae’s our flesh and blood, a daughter to each of us. Now Katie is too.’
‘I’ve always been curious, Albert. You can tell me it’s none of my business, but you would have been a great father. Why didn’t you marry, have kids of your own?’
‘That was never going to be my path, son. I was happy to raise Mae, but I was never destined to go forth and multiply, if you know what I mean.’
Mae noticed Harry’s puzzled expression, but before he could question Albert further, Katie began to whimper and he returned his attention to his daughter.
After putting Katie to bed in her pram, Harry stood by the mantelpiece in the bedroom. He’d already lit the fire and snaffled a bottle of brandy and two glasses. Propped on the bed against two snowy pillows, Mae drew her knees to one side, leaned on one elbow and held her glass in the other hand. Taking a small sip, she felt the hairs stand up on her neck as Harry sat down beside her and softly stroked her leg. Her body always responded to his touch in this way, sending tingles to surprising places. Once, when he’d rubbed her left foot, she’d felt her right earlobe tingle. He gazed at the section of her leg he was stroking as though seeing it for the first time, then his eyes swept slowly towards hers with a look of wanting she remembered from her dreams.
‘Our first night together as parents,’ he said.
She slipped off her dressing-gown, revealing her best white embroidered nightgown.
‘You look positively bridal, my gorgeous, radiant Sunny.’
‘A little battle-scarred, I’m afraid.’
‘I think motherhood has made you even more beautiful.’
‘We can try if you like,’ she said shyly, ‘although I don’t know how I’ll go.’
Leaning across her body, Harry kissed her softly, then more deeply as he lifted the glass from her hand and put it on the table beside his. Mae slid her hand inside Harry’s shirt and then down to the drawstring of his pants. Harry stroked Mae’s hair back from her face. ‘Are you sure you’re ready?’
‘I want to,’ Mae whispered, looking down at his fingers, which had halted above her cleavage. ‘I need you to know I’m still the woman you married.’
‘You’re so much more than that.’ He dropped his hand and ran it across her knee, lightly stroking the pale skin of her inner thigh.
Lifting his shirt, Mae leaned across and kissed his flat stomach, smooth and taut.
‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ he said.
She sat up and raised her nightgown above her head, dropping it suggestively on the floor. He stood and removed his remaining clothes then lay beside her, kissing her softly. ‘We’ll take this slowly.’
Mae slid her hand over her caesarean scar and the pouch of stretch-marked, saggy skin. Harry moved her hand away and ran his tongue along the scar’s length, kissing it at each end. Mae tried to relax. Her stitches were long gone but the skin was still sensitive to touch. The wet line burned as it cooled. She looked at the top of his head. How could he make love to her ugly scar, still so angry and red? She tried to push his head away, but he stayed. She gently pushed his head back. ‘I want to see your face.’
Harry hovered a moment longer before he slowly moved his hips towards hers and began to enter her.
Mae concentrated on relaxing, keeping her breath even. After the first tentative thrusts, she realised she was too dry. It hurt each time he moved, as though she was being scoured with sandpaper.
Harry’s eyes were closed. He sighed softly. His weight pushed her into the mattress.
Mae had thought she could do this; she wanted to with all her heart, but the pain built, like a red-hot poker stabbing deep inside. She tried to change position, to push his shoulders up and away from her, to ease his weight off her stomach. But nothing helped. Crying out in pain and frustration, she punched him in the shoulder, but his rhythm didn’t change.
‘Stop!’ she shouted. ‘Stop it!’
Harry returned from his distant place. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Please get off me,’ she said, pushing at him.
‘I said to tell me if it hurt.’
‘Couldn’t you tell?’
‘Well, no. I thought you were enjoying it.’
‘You had your eyes closed. How would you know?’
Harry sat up and ran his hand through his hair. ‘You should have said something. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.’
Mae pulled her nightgown towards her and yanked it over her head. ‘How could you not notice?’ she sobbed.
‘Come back here,’ he said, reaching for her.
‘It’s time for Katie’s feed,’ she said, rising from the bed. ‘I have to warm the bottle.’
‘I can do that; you get some sleep.’
‘No, I need a cup of tea,’ Mae said. She left the room.
The next morning, Harry took Katie out in her pram while Mae slept.
‘We’ve been saying hello to the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker, haven’t we, my precious?’ she heard him cooing to Katie as they wheeled through the front door and down the hall to the bedroom. ‘She’s quite the social butterfly, smiling for them all. But I think she needs changing.’
‘You might be right,’ Mae said, brushing her hair. ‘You go and have a shower. I’ll do this.’
Harry gathered his shaving kit and some fresh underwear. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Of course. Everything’s good.’
‘I thought you might be angry about last night.’
‘It couldn’t be helped.’
‘You haven’t looked at me once this morning.’
Mae stood at the dresser selecting clothes for Katie. Her cheeks burned with shame, and she felt like she was about to cry. But she forced a smile. Remember to be gay, to be perfect, she reminded herself, turning to face him.
‘I’m fine,’ she said.
‘What time did you tell my family to be here?’ he asked.
‘Around one o’clock.’
‘I’m not sure how many we’ll have today. There’s my mother, and Mim is bringing her fellow, plus they’ll invite everyone who couldn’t make it yesterday.’
‘Harry, no! I thought it would only be a few.’
‘What’s the matter? They said they’d bring all the food and drinks.’
Mae bowed her head and spoke quietly. ‘I know you think I’m being selfish, but I just can’t bear to share you with the whole world again today.’
‘It’s not the whole damned world,’ Harry protested. ‘It’s my bloody family.’
‘Don’t use that language here—you’re not at sea now,’ Mae cried, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Harry reached out and pulled her close. ‘I’m sorry. You’re not being selfish. It’s hard enough fitting everything in to a normal leave, but you’re not well. I’ll take Katie to my mother’s this morning, then we can spend the afternoon together, maybe take Katie to the zoo. Later we’ll have dinner with your family. How does that sound?’
‘I’m ruining your plans.’
‘Don’t be silly. I’ll ask Et to feed and bathe the bub before we go.’
Mae spent a couple more hours in bed reading then set her hair in rollers and spent time ironing a dress and fixing her make-up. She hadn’t used rouge or powder since before she’d had Katie. It felt good to take a little trouble again with her appearance. Slipping into her favourite pale green linen dress, she was surprised to find the zipper gliding over her waist with room to spare. She b
uttoned a cardigan over the dress then put on her hat and gloves, ready to catch the train to meet Harry and Katie in town. It felt strange walking along the street without the pram. She felt light, unencumbered—apart from a small picnic basket. For just a few minutes, she didn’t have to think about anyone else. But as lovely as this taste of freedom was, she also felt something was missing. Handbag, purse, keys, gloves, hat; she hadn’t forgotten anything but she still felt like something was lacking. She smiled at the thought of meeting her husband and child at the station. It was so lovely having people to miss.
Arriving at Flinders Street just before one o’clock, Mae walked across the concourse and waited at their usual meeting place, under the portico beneath the famous clocks. It was really everyone’s meeting place, and today it seemed that half of Melbourne was there. A moment later Harry arrived pushing Katie in her pram.
‘Shall we go and get a little wild at the zoo?’ he asked.
Mae felt like she had when they were courting; excited and safe at once. Harry rolled the pram out onto the footpath and Mae slipped her hand through the crook of his arm as they ambled towards the tram stop on the next corner.
The tram conductor picked up the front of the pram, while Harry stepped onto the running board then into the carriage before turning and holding his hand out to help Mae on board. They settled onto a leather bench seat and passed several blocks of shops before reaching the Queen Victoria market, bustling and humming with activity as fruit sellers and fishmongers shouted their afternoon specials.
The tram almost emptied at the market, the remaining passengers, lulled into silence by the straight, flat run past the university, as dappled light filtered through the plane trees. Mae nestled a little closer to Harry.
‘What’s in your basket, Miss Sunny?’
‘Nothing much, just a few rock cakes and some milk for Katie. I didn’t think you’d need to eat after lunch at your mother’s.’
‘But I left room. I thought there might be a sponge or something.’
‘Oh well, we’ll just have to make do, I suppose,’ Mae said, lifting the lid of the basket so he could see inside. Mae had filled a thermos with tea, made roast lamb and chutney sandwiches and had bought neenish tarts and cinnamon scrolls from the bakery near the station.