by Melissa Hill
After a long moment, Marianne looked at her unblinking. “I think I see what you mean. I’ve changed, and I’m expecting Donal to suddenly change as well.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” Ella said. “Donal is also being a little thoughtless. The two of you do need to spend quality time together, after all that’s what holidays are for. To bond and remember why you’re together. So he’s not entirely off the hook.” She smiled.” I’m just trying to be devil’s advocate, try and see things from his point of view. So perhaps we should try to wear his shoes for a moment and look at things as he might.”
They were both quiet, and Ella knew that Marianne was trying to absorb all that she had told her. After several minutes, she spoke. “What can I do, what’s the way forward for us now in our marriage, if our life goals are suddenly so different?”
Ella laughed softly. She wished things were as simple as that, but they weren’t. Marriage was not like the work place, where colleagues could sit down together in the conference room and brainstorm.
“I wish I knew. This one you have to work out for yourself. I’m sure you will though.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because you’ve already done the most important thing in any relationship or marriage,” Ella said, standing up.
“Ah, don’t leave me in the dark like this,” Marianne pleaded.
“You’ve shifted your outlook from yours to his. You understand his side of the story. You know why he’s the way he is, and it’s definitely nothing personal.” With that, and a parting squeeze on the younger girl’s shoulder, she glided away.
15
“Mummy can we go outside?” Josh pleaded.
“Mummy, look what I can do…” Jake ordered.
Grace’s head throbbed and felt like it would explode. She wiped the cottage countertop with more force, hoping to transfer all her negative feelings to the marble kitchen counters.
“Mummy—”
“Mummy—”
They started again, their voices rising as if in competition to see who would speak to her first. To Grace, their voices sounded like hammers, banging mercilessly inside her brain.
“Listen, we can’t do either of those things, first because I need to finish cleaning up the house, secondly, Josh you know that mummy can’t swim and daddy’s not here to take you to the pool,” Grace said, hoping that was the end of it.
“I want swimming…” the boys chanted, coming nearer.
“Just… please…stop it!”
Her loud voice shocked them into silence. Horrified by the anger in her, Grace dropped the cloth, and raced out of the room. Going upstairs she went to her room and threw herself face down on the double bed.
She let the tears come. Why was it so difficult for her to manage the twins? They were her children for crying out loud! She more than anyone else, should know them by now.
When her cries subsided, she thought back to yesterday at the cafe when the boys were with Marianne. They had all seemed so relaxed.
What had so upset her was Marianne’s reaction when the boys had started kicking their feet under the table. She had laughed and let them be. Her own reaction would have been anxiety that they’d hurt each other or break something in the café.
Grace knew she over reacted, Kevin had told that her enough times. But now hearing it from strangers, such as the nice café owner Ella, she felt that there was something there.
She saw her moments with the boys since they’d come to Lakeview, in flash shots. That first day at the café when a sugar bowl had broken, making her shout at them.
People here must think she was crazy. She remembered how Ella had shepherded them all away from the other customers’ attention and listened to her while she ranted. A clear image of her at the park, searching frantically for her son before Marianne came along and uncovered his hiding place and she had bawled like a baby.
She cringed at how quickly she had handed her boys over to people that she barely knew, just to get away from that feeling of being overwhelmed.
Grace sighed. When had all this anxiety started? And why did she notice it here more than back home? Sure there was Kevin and Maria, but she still spent a considerable amount of time with the boys, driving them from one sport or activity to another.
It hit Grace then. Every one of her friends was the same. They all rushed through motherhood as though expecting a tornado to come crushing into them at any moment.
In a moment of stark mental clarity, she realised that motherhood was one huge competition, one huge undertaking back home. Which child had more skills? Which mummy signed up their child for more activities?
Just thinking about it now made Grace exhausted.
The group of women she called her friends were the very same as she was, a bunch of anxious worried mums. That was no way to live. It was tiresome and it robbed you of the capacity to enjoy life.
Look at her now. She was in the most beautiful tourist town for the summer and she couldn’t relax or even enjoy her time with her boys.
She missed Kevin. The holiday would have turned out so much different if he had been with them.
Feeling the threat of self-pity, Grace jumped from the bed. She thought of her twins bored downstairs and quickly galvanised herself into action.
It would be difficult to change a lifetime of habits, but she resolved to ensure the boys had fun today alone. The house could be cleaned some other time.
“Boys?” Grace yelled from the top of the stairs. “Come on up and pack your things—we’re going swimming.”
Two faces appeared at the bottom, staring at Grace with hopeful eyes. She felt her heart melt at how sweet they looked just then.
“Yes that’s right, we’re going swimming.” Grace said, ignoring the anxious note that had settled in her tummy.
They boys usually played around in baby pools in Dublin. The water went up to their waists, and for Grace, it would probably reach below her knees. No swimming skills were necessary to be there.
She knew there was a leisure centre in Lakeview but didn't know if it had a kids pool. Her body went stiff at the thought of the boys in an adult pool.
They were playful kids, what if one of them ran off without her seeing and fell into the deep end? She didn’t know how to swim, so she would watch helplessly as her boy drunk mouthfuls of water, his panicky eyes wide, until he disappeared into the bottom of the water …
Oh God, this was so hard.
16
By now, Grace was breathing heavily and very close to cancelling the outing. She gripped the staircase for support. The boys raced up the stairs yelling with joy, and she felt her insides clench.
She remembered her earlier thoughts. This was unnecessary anxiety, she told herself. For starters, there was usually a life guard in pools and secondly, the deep end would be a good way away from the shallow side. Thirdly, she was there, wasn’t she?
Her mind and heart were wired to her boys. Her instincts usually rose to the surface when one of the boys disappeared. She could trust herself.
Grace took several deep breaths, and plastered a smile on her face for the twin’ sake.
She followed them into their room, and stood against the door frame, watching them throw swimming trunks and towels into their bags haphazardly.
“Can you please—” she started to say, then stopped.
What was the harm if the towels were not perfectly folded? So what if the boys were now kicking the bags like footballs? It was just harmless fun.
She watched them for a moment longer. “I’m in my room, packing my stuff, OK?” she said, resisting the strong urge to admonish them.
She had never worn her new red and white swimming suit and she hoped that it would fit. But Grace was not worried about that. Her weight was pretty stable and she had weighed the same for as long as she could remember. To her surprise, a twinge of excitement was growing from somewhere inside her, and she felt as the boys probably did—excited to be going somewhere diff
erent to do something fun.
If only she lived in Lakeview, Grace thought as they walked towards the leisure centre on the other side of town, each boy holding one hand.
It was pretty and nice, and people were so friendly that you immediately felt at home. She waved to a few people she had met in the last week. Lakeview looked like a town straight out of a picture postcard. Bright colours splashed the old buildings that lined both sides of the street.
The cafe was the centre of it all of course, and Grace gave a friendly wave to one of the waitresses who was wiping the tables outside.
They walked further on; Motiv8 leisure club was a little way out and she and her boys walked along the paved path, making their way to the reception.
How lovely it was to never have to use your car either. Here, everything was within walking distance, and Grace enjoyed the exercise she got every day.
Saying hello to the friendly receptionist, she paid and as soon as she let go of their hands, the boys were all over the place, never mind that it was their first time there.
She closed her eyes and counted to three, then caught up with them and grabbed both arms. When they reached the door to the ladies changing room, there were the usual protests, when Josh noticed a picture of a female form drawn on the door.
“I’m not changing in the girls’ bathroom.”
“You have no choice. We all have to change there.” Grace said in a firm tone, hardly recognising it as hers.
To her surprise, Josh dropped his arms from his chest and followed her in.
She wanted to jump in glee. That small success boosted her confidence considerably and for once she felt like a capable mum.
Surely she could handle whatever the boys unleashed during the course of the day?
Grace looked at her reflection in the mirror. The swimming suit fitted her perfectly, moulding itself against her figure. She wished that Kevin was here to see her. Well, his loss, she thought with a muffled giggle.
She folded the boys’ clothes and they made their way out of the changing rooms. Actually there was a kids’ pool, she noticed, her whole body relaxing, and she wondered at the worries she had had earlier.
The pool was charmingly laid out with a small yellow slide that stopped bang in the middle of the pool. The boys went straight in. Grace gingerly put her feet in, and felt like the giant with the water reaching well below her knees.
She slid down and sat on the tiled floor, enjoy the feeling of warm water swirling around her body. There was no one yet in the kids pool, making it easier to watch the twins.
Jake approached the slide and tried to climb it from the wrong way round. He laughed when he couldn’t manage more than a short distance and laughingly slid back into the pool. His brother followed suit.
Grace bit her tongue from telling them to do it the right way. There were no other kids here, so there was no harm in what the boys were doing, she chided herself.
She even found herself laughing at their antics. Kids were creative in their games, she thought watching them lazily.
Josh was trying to push his brother further up the slide, but still not managing to push him far up. Giving up, they came out of the pool of their own accord and went round to climb the slide in the proper way. Grace laughed at the splash made when each boy slid into the water.
Twenty or so minutes later, she watched a woman come towards the kids’ pool holding a little boy’s hand. He looked to be about the same age as her twins.
She wore a white swimming suit that showed off her hour glass figure. Grace thought she looked out of place in these surroundings; she belonged on the cover of a magazine. With her long glossy hair, and sunglasses pushed on her forehead, she looked every inch a model.
“Mum I want to slide,” the boy said, confirming that the woman was his mother.
“OK, Mikey go on,” she said, and came towards where Grace sat in the pool.
Grace smiled at her and the woman smiled back. She too slid into the baby pool and sat next to her.
“I’m Emma,” she said, extending a slim hand. Her smile matched the rest of her looks. Her teeth were milk white and even, and when she smiled, a dimple appeared on her cheeks.
“I’m Grace,” She returned the greeting pleasantly.
“I’ve seen you at Ella’s cafe I think,” Emma continued, and Grace cringed, hoping that Emma had not seen her during those times when she had been at her wits end. “Your boys are really sweet, sometimes I wish I’d have two of them, so Mikey would always have company.”
Grace laughed. “Do you know, I’ve never looked at it like that. I always see them as double trouble, but you’re right. They always play together; my job is mostly to supervise.”
“What are their names?” Emma asked.
They chatted, exchanging information about each other, and sharing experiences of raising boys. Emma was a single mother, but she had her family to help. She didn't mention anything about the boy’s father, but Grace somehow got the sense that this was a sore subject.
She looked at her own life and despite Kevin not coming on holiday with them, Grace felt lucky. He was a hands-on dad, and was always around to play with the boys.
17
Time flew by, and soon it was time to go. They all changed out of their swimming suits and left the leisure complex together.
Grace hadn’t had that much fun in a long time. Emma was witty and lively and she laughed a lot.
As they walked down the street, she even confided in Grace about some famous writer in Lakeview to write a novel that she was hoping to snag.
She laughed at Emma’s descriptions about how so far her antics weren't working so well. She found it difficult to believe that any man could resist her new friend.
They went to the cafe for lunch, and even though it was busy, they managed to get a table outside where the three boys could play on the swings as they waited for their food.
“They do the tastiest club sandwich here, try it,” Emma said.
“Hello ladies.”
It was Nina, the cafe’s friendly but brisk waitress. Grace smiled brightly back, hoping to make up for the times she had caused a furore at the café.
Nina took their order and when she left, Grace and Emma’s conversation continued, as though there had been no interruption. She found herself confiding in the other woman her plans to go back to college and get a job.
Later, as she and the boys waved goodbye to Emma and Mikey, Grace mused over what a difference it made to have someone to chat to.
The day had been fun for her too and the boys as well. When they got home, she washed them and put them in front of the TV. There were no fights or arguments about what to watch.
She remembered what Ella had told her about keeping the kids busy.
It worked, Grace thought in wonder, looking at how drowsy they seemed. They had no more energy left.
She ruffled their heads and went to the kitchen to prepare a light dinner. For once, she felt like a normal mother with her children and the tight knot that usually accompanied her everywhere was missing.
If only Kevin could have seen her today, Grace thought feeling like she’d just run a marathon. He would have been so proud.
18
Ella’s tummy was rumbling with hunger. She glanced at her wristwatch.
Late afternoon, and she hadn’t had a bite to eat since breakfast. This happened often, she got so carried away with her work or talking to customers that she forgot to eat.
She went into the kitchen and finding a pile of dishes and Colm busy, she decided to clean them first.
The dishwasher was misbehaving so she filled the sink with water and one by one washed off the grease. Half an hour later, she was done, and the kitchen looked decent now. She made herself a beef sandwich and went out to the counter to make a cup of coffee.
That done, she carried her lunch to a table by the window.
She chewed on her sandwich as she watched people walk past. From her vantage point s
he could see shops across the street, with people going in and out.
Summer was a great time for the town, and Lakeview continued to grow. There was talk of a new tourist centre being built soon, and Ella crossed her fingers that it would happen.
Soon, she felt rather than saw the presence of someone on the opposite chair and looked up in surprise to find Nina there, still wearing that thoughtful look.
“Hello there.”
“Hello back,” Nina said. “I suppose you’re wondering what I’m doing here interrupting your lunch.”
Ella looked at her thoughtfully, swallowed a mouthful of sandwich and said, “No. I was just thinking how lovely it is of you to join me. It’s always lonely eating alone.”
Nina laughed. “I love you Ella, I really do. Anyway, I wanted to ask you something, a kind of rhetorical question.”
“The best kind,” Ella replied. “I’m good at rhetorical questions.”
“Have you ever had a summer romance?”
Ella hid a smile. Even before Nina uttered another word, she could guess what - or more to the point who - was at the heart of this conversation.
Sam the writer.
“I have. A long time ago,” Ella said, not mentioning that the affair in question was with a man who eventually ended up being her husband.
It had been summertime when she’d first come to work at the cafe, and had fallen head over heels with her boss’s handsome son.
“Do you think it’s a good idea? I mean, does it not cause a lot of hurt knowing that you have no future with that person, that they have another life elsewhere which doesn’t include you?” Nina continued.
“See, that’s the beauty of summer romances. Right from the start you know where everyone stands and there are no expectations on either side.”
“But what if expectations creep in anyway? Whether you like it or not?”
“Sometimes in life, it doesn’t hurt to avoid over thinking things. Be like a leaf sometimes, and let the wind guide you. Refuse to be drawn into deep, negative thoughts that are sure to deter you. So what if it hurts when the summer is over and romance disappears? You’ll have the memories to keep you going until the next one,” she added with a wink.