Then he hugged Stefan.
“Try to hurt her again and I will kill you myself. I promise,” Flame whispered in his ear.
Flame left. Annika and Stefan stood in the middle of the pavement for a few minutes. They looked at each other, but neither had the courage to say a word. Each gazed into the other’s eyes, oblivious to everything else.
“Would you mind if we went and sat in the park? I won't take up much of your time – promise,” Stefan finally announced.
Annika agreed. Stefan took her hand and led her towards the nearby park. His touch made her weak but Annika was determined to stay strong. No matter how hard the past was trying to reclaim her, the present was not to be forgotten. With absolute certainty Annika knew to whom she belonged. She also knew that this was a natural reaction and that she would always love Stefan, but that it would henceforth be a different love. It would be something more like caring deeply. Annika would never be indifferent to how he was or to what was going on with him.
“Listen, I know I have said I’m sorry maybe more than a thousand times already by now – but it doesn't matter. I AM really sorry. To be honest, I don't even want you to forgive me because, even if you do, I will never be able to forgive myself anyway. What is important to me is that you believe that I truly regret everything I’ve done. You did not deserve even the smallest portion of what I did to you. All I can do now is thank God. I thank God that you are alive and that you left me.”
Annika arched an eyebrow.
“No,” Stefan smiled. “That did not sound quite how I meant it to. What I wanted to say was that, although I stopped living and just started existing the minute you left me, I am glad you did...for yourself. You see what I mean? I am relieved that you managed to save yourself from me. Every time I shoot up I thank God that you were strong and did not become a hostage to drugs like me. Maybe if you had, we would still be together now... but I am not such a jerk. I know it is much better this way.” Stefan pushed out of his eyes some of the long hair which had escaped from his ponytail. He finally mustered all his courage and looked into Annika's eyes.
Annika was looking down at her hands, nervously rolling her wedding ring and crying. Her tears were running down her cheeks and dropping on her ring.
Stefan was thunderstruck. He was paralyzed. It took some time to realise what the ring meant. Now he knew that all his words were just empty words. He wasn't glad... He was mad. He was hurt. He was jealous... And he definitely was not ready for this...
“When?” he barely whispered – as if it mattered.
“A few weeks ago,” Annika whispered back.
Stefan buried his face in his hands. He was shaking uncontrollably. There was no air to breathe. He felt like he was sinking... slowly but steadily and deeply. This was the end... He wished he was where Monica was now, wherever that was...
Annika did not resist temptation and hugged Stefan. He was shaking in her arms. It was the most humiliating thing that had happened to him in his life but he was too weak to care. This was the point when he lost absolutely everything. This was the point when the “there is still hope for you” which Monica had written, ceased to be valid.
It took him quite a while to regain his composure. He raised his head and looked at her with wet eyes.
“Please don't forget that I really loved you and will do so all my life. I want you to be happy! Please be happy for both of us, because I can't any longer!”
Annika looked at him, sensing every single word. She was absolutely certain that he was being honest. It was amazing, but after all this time they could still feel each other and did not need words in order to understand what the other meant.
“At least this time we were able to talk like mature people,” Annika smiled through her tears.
“No,” Stefan smiled back. “People, who are madly in love can never be mature – and especially not drug addicts,” he added bitterly, bringing them back to reality.
“Have you ever considered rehab?” Annika asked, although she knew the answer.
“Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. You will never know for sure. And now, with that thing on your finger,” he directed his look to her ring, “it makes absolutely no sense. What for?”
Annika knew what he meant. She could imagine how he felt and knew that if she were in his shoes she would feel the same. Yeah, an interesting question – What for? Annika knew that she could not find anything in Stefan's life worth giving up the heroin for. They both agreed about that.
So now it was officially and totally over!
35
Annika went back to Vasko that night. She was glad that she had been to Monica's funeral. Now she could think about the past in a calmer way and accepted the fact that she would probably never forget Stefan. He would always be part of her.
Annika realised that no matter what, people who once touch your soul have a place in your memories. It didn’t matter what happened later, it didn’t matter if the person moved out of your life because of the choice you made, or the choice he made, or because of what life decided. It didn’t matter if you were deeply disappointed in him or thought of him for long years to come. She recognised that once a person gets to the sacred place called your soul, then you can never be indifferent towards them under any circumstances.
Annika's heart ached. The state Stefan was in hurt her. She went through hell the day she found him in bed with Monica. But she was strong enough to come back to life. As for Stefan, she had a feeling that he was going through hell every day without even knowing the way back... It was a very sad realisation. But Annika accepted that too... And – an even harder thing to do – she accepted the fact that it was totally out of her hands.
Now it was time to get back to the one she had chosen and make plans together. The coach took her back to where she belonged.
Vasko was waiting for her at the coach station. He looked tired. Annika could see that he had not slept well the night before. She knew he was worried about her. She also knew how hard it must have been for Vasko not to call her.
Annika hugged him tight.
“I love you,” she whispered in his ear.
Vasko smiled, looked up to heaven and thanked God!
****
Once more Annika was flying on her own. She was of course catching up on her reading as was her wont. This was the last time she and Vasko were to part.
It had been difficult to decide upon the plans for their future life. Neither wanted to go back to their homeland. Vasko could not sacrifice his job, so moving to Amsterdam was not an option. As for Annika, by now she had understood that it was not being in a particular place which brought happiness but rather being with a particular person. So she had agreed to move to the USA. Now they had to deal with the logistics.
Annika needed some time to arrange such things as her resignation and apartment. Vasko needed some time to find them a bigger apartment and move. He also needed to deal with the visa and paperwork matters for Annika. In short they were going to live their last long-distance eight weeks.
At least that’s what they planned. But we all know that life has its own plans…
****
Annika poured herself a cup of tea and sat on the couch. She turned on the television. Her colleagues were so appalled at the fact that she was living without television that they had bought her a small one on her birthday so she could get closer to “civilization”.
Annika stood up suddenly and put her hand to her mouth as she saw the New York twin towers on fire and the breaking news report on how bad everything was. It was unbelievable. With her heart in her throat she picked up her mobile and dialled Vasko’s number. “The person you are calling has their phone switched off or is out of coverage area….,” was the message she heard. No matter how many times she redialled, that was all she heard.
The Euro Brokers office was on the 84th floor of the Southern Tower. That was very close to where the plane hit the building, but Annika only found that out much later. Now
all she could think about was the fact that it was the middle of a working day, that the plane crash was pretty close to the Euro Brokers’ office floor and that Vasko was there.
Annika felt as if her lungs were going to burst. She was trembling. Frantically she called Vasko over and over again. The tears that filled her eyes blurred her vision. This was a nightmare.
She went to the kitchen and tried with trembling hands to drink a few sips of water. Of course that did not help at all. She went back to the living room and paced its length, from one end to the other. Too many thoughts were racing through her mind. Annika could not hear what the voice of the CNN reporter was saying. All she could do was watch what was going on behind her. The images said more than any words. CNN repeatedly replayed the footage of the planes crashing into the building. Each time, Annika felt sick.
She tried to listen to her inner voice and tap into her intuition. People who love each other should feel these things, right? Then why could Annika not feel anything? Why could she not feel whether Vasko was all right or not? The panic gripped her tighter. Vasko… no Vasko… please… God … Her mind raced and different strains of irrational panic invaded her mind.
Annika tried to imagine where Vasko might be, and how. Was he alive? Was he scared? Had he run down the stairs when he realised what had happened? Was it at all possible to realise what was happening if you were inside? she wondered. Even watching the videos it all seemed quite unbelievable.
Would Vasko risk his life in order to save a colleague, or someone with whom he’d taken the lift that morning, or maybe even someone he had never seen before? Annika shivered.
Positive thinking! Positive thinking! Everything is going to be okay. Vasko is fine. He is somewhere outside next to an emergency vehicle with a blanket over his shoulders, drinking warm tea and thinking of her. It is perfectly natural that the mobile network is down. It will be fixed in a few hours’ time and Vasko will call her. Things can’t end like that. They had plans, they had a whole life ahead, and they wanted to do so many things together… Life cannot be so unfair… Oh God!
Annika sank to her knees and started praying. She recited the only prayer that her grandma had taught her when they used to go to church together. Annika closed her eyes and concentrated on each single word. When she had finished she felt somewhat calmer.
Annika waited impatiently for a call, but at the same she was terribly afraid of what she would hear when the phone rang. What if it were not Vasko calling? What if … No, No, No…
****
Annika’s mobile was ringing, from what seemed to her very to be far away. She could not open her eyes. Finally, when she opened them and looked around, she realised that she must have fallen asleep, sitting on the carpet, leaning against the sofa. Annika’s mobile was still ringing, but in her sleepy state she could not work out where it was. She looked around and saw the phone lying on the coffee table. By a huge effort she moved closer to it and picked it up to answer. In so doing, Annika suddenly remembered what had happened, and the panic came flooding back again.
“Hello,” she was practically shouting out of tension and fright.
“Hi, babe.” It was the sweetest thing she had ever heard in her life.
“Vasko!” Relief overwhelmed her. “Are you okay?”
“Well.. physically yes... but it's hell over here.”
“Yeah, I’ve been watching the news... but is everything fine with you? Are you injured? I tried to call you for hours... I was going crazy over here...”
“Everything is fine, don't worry dear. I switched off my cellphone before a meeting and didn’t remember until just now... Look, I can’t talk now, but I just wanted to let you know that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about, okay? I will call you tomorrow morning. Hopefully things will have stabilized a bit by then.”
“Ok dear. I love you.” Annika kissed the phone.
“I love you too,” said Vasko, who missed her terribly.
36
Meeting Annika again and then losing her a second time had a devastating effect on Stefan. Once he realised that it was really over and he would never get her back, Stefan's life became only about heroin. He cared nothing for the future. All he did was make sure that he had his shot that day. The hypodermic helped him to forget that there would ever be another tomorrow.
As usually happens with drug addicts who reach Stefan's stage, Stefan started selling everything valuable he had in order to pay for the heroin. A few days after he had met Annika at the funeral, he sold the black car. It was the only thing left from their past, and he thought that by getting rid of it he could run away from his love for Annika.
Before the car went, he had sold the apartment and rented one tiny cheap room in a suburb... Time was passing, money was running out... and one day it had almost all gone.
That day Stefan sat in his small room and considered what options were left... Suicide? He was not that strong... Going back and living with his parents? Well that was not very different from suicide, he thought. Becoming a thief... no, not his style... What was he best at? Hmmm…. bullshitting, sweet talking, lying... maybe he could be a good sales person... And sell what? Well... how about what he knew best? – Heroin.
That was it! It was decided. Within an hour of thinking to himself, a new drug dealer was born!
****
A week after the tragedy Vasko flew to Amsterdam with a small suitcase. That was all the belongings he was taking with him. But his luggage was far too heavy. Vasko was also carrying terrible memories which were going to torture him for a long time. Besides the memories he also bore a heavy feeling of guilt for being one of those who had survived.
That same evening, as he was sitting with Annika in her living room, he told her about the “hell” he’d briefly mentioned over the phone. For the first time he summoned up the courage to tell her the full story of the horror and pain he’d lived through.
“We were in the middle of a meeting in the conference room, discussing an investment project, when Charles suddenly said: “Holy shit!”. We all looked towards him. His eyes were staring at the window. We followed his gaze and saw the plane flying straight at our building. It was like one of those slow-motion sequences in action movies. For a few seconds we all stayed paralyzed. The plane moved on in and down and, as we found out later, crashed a few floors below us. So many smart finance people all in one place, and not one of them could grasp what was happening. Someone shouted that we should get out immediately. On autopilot we ran out. People gathered in the corridor. No one knew what was happening, what to do, if it was dangerous or should we stay where we were.
After ten to fifteen minutes we went to the brokerage office as someone remembered that there were plenty of TV monitors hanging from the ceilings with Bloomberg and similar channels on all the time. The news most probably showed what you saw over here... It was totally unbelievable and one thing was for sure, we needed to get out of the place. There was panic in peoples' eyes. All everyone could think about were the people they were supposed to get back to. Their wives, children, parents...
Most of us rushed to the stairs and started going down. A few floors down we could smell the smoke and the stairs were half-destroyed. With each step the smoke got denser and breathing harder. At some point people started arguing about whether we should go back up and try to get up on to the roof. One smartass recalled that after a terrorist bomb exploded in the basement of the North Tower in February 1993, a police helicopter had evacuated people from the roof. That was a strong argument. It convinced a lot of people to follow the guy and start climbing back up. Jesus, how I wish he hadn’t been blessed or cursed with such a good memory! Not a single one of those people on the roof survived. But the roof seemed an obvious choice. It also seemed to be the only one available to people on the upper floors. Why I and a few others did not follow them, I still can’t explain.”
Annika shivered. The thought that Vasko's chances of survival at that point were fifty-f
ifty made her weak. Vasko took a deep breath and continued.
“I and five others continued going down. At some point there were just no more stairs. The only way to continue was to go in to the corridor, go along it and try to get to the stairs on the other side. When we got to the corridor we could see the offices behind the glass walls. The offices were burning and there were people stuck between the fire and the windows. I guess they had no air to breathe because they were throwing computer monitors and trying to break the windows. They faced a terrifying choice: to jump or to wait to be burned alive.” Annika's eyes filled with tears and horror. Vasko took another sharp breath and continued.
“Then I saw something that has haunted my dreams every single night since then – I doubt I’ll ever forget it. A guy took off the jacket of his suit and stood on the window ledge. I could hear the sound of his tie flapping in the strong wind outside. For a few seconds he just stood there before he jumped. I stood there and watched the guy jump from the 73rd floor!!! I heard afterwards that he was not the only one... I still think of that guy in the white shirt and dark blue tie. And I can't get rid of the thought that I could have been him...”
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