by Tiana Laveen
Begrudgingly pulling away, they smiled at one another, and boarded the bus hand in hand. After he inserted the coins into the dispenser, they headed towards the middle of the bus and sat down side by side. He took the window seat while she sat on the aisle. He wrapped his arm protectively around her when the bus took off.
It was fairly empty, only a handful of passengers. Cassidy sat up to remove his jacket from her head and shoulders. It was sprinkled with raindrops but not soaked. Folding it up, he sat it next to his thigh against the wall of the bus. He occasionally looked out the window, watching other cars go by. His mind filled with thoughts, ideas, possibilities. There were just so many. She leaned over and placed her head on his chest, then took a deep breath. All he could do was smile down at her.
This is nice. Cass is a real cool chick…
“So, I have a question,” she said, her sights on the window.
“Yeah?”
“You said I was your girl tonight. Did you really mean that?” Her eyes met his, her expression serene.
“Yeah… Why would I say it if I didn’t mean it?” He wrapped his arm back around her and rubbed slowly up and down her shoulder.
“I dunno.” She shrugged, her lips slightly downturned. “Sometimes people say stuff they don’t mean.”
“Yeah, I suppose so… I suppose people do. I’m not those people though.”
The rain began to come down harder and the lights from passing cars reflected in the windows. The bus went over bumps, potholes, and a few times came to abrupt stops, jeering them a time or two. Thankfully, the rain had stopped by the time they arrived close to home. They didn’t speak the rest of the ride, but in his heart of hearts, the way she held onto him said enough. It was a tight embrace, but not suffocating. Just enough to let him know he was liked… he was wanted.
Cass is real mature for her age… kinda scary, actually… I like it though.
He exhaled when the bus arrived at their street. They’d have about a ten minute walk. Gathering their things, they exited the vehicle and the exhaust from it backfired and filled the air as it took off. It was dark outside, with only a few lamps from apartments and a liquor store lighting the way. A couple of guys who were in the midst of an argument cast a glance their direction, then continued on with their spat about some money. He got an unnerving feeling. He hated that light was at a minimum… made him feel as if he were at a disadvantage.
Shit. They gotta do something about this. I can barely see and I have 20/20 vision.
As if reading his mind, Cassidy broke into his thoughts.
“They don’t nevah have these lights fixed… bulbs been out for over two years. This another reason why my Grandmama don’t like me out late at night. She say people try to get away wit’ more shit when they thank can’t nobody see ’em.”
“She’s right.”
Cassidy’s eyes widened as if surprised he’d agree. He took her hand and intertwined their fingers as they made their way down the street. It was a loud night, a hot night, a dirty-puddles-on-the-sidewalk kinda night. He cursed himself out as he felt a budding erection out of nowhere.
It had been much easier to hide it in the dark theater beneath a jacket. They kept on moving, step after step, a deliberate, but not too fast pace.
“So, I meant to ask you, what were you doing with E.T. in class the other day?”
“Oh, when we were sitting together?” She nodded. “We’re becoming friends I guess. He seems fine. Found out we have a few things in common, too. Like a lot of the same movies, things like that.”
“E.T. ain’t out here actin’ stupid. That’s the homeboy. Glad you two are hangin’ out. You’ll need friends if you wanna have some peace ’round here. That’s the big reason some people keep messin’ wit’ you at school… ’cause you by yourself. E.T.s circle is pretty good, so my advice is to stick with them. Stay away from Street and anybody he associate wit’. He ain’t shit… bad news.”
“What about Maize? What’s the story on him? You two, uh… date or somethin’?” He couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy, as if Maize hadn’t been telling the entire truth about his and Cassidy’s past. Fact of the matter was, Maize was popular, well liked, talented, athletic and funny—he had it all. On top of that, he was probably the kind of guy girls dug.
“Maize?! Tony, please!” She burst out laughing. “Maize like a brotha to me. We been in diapers together, used to call each other ‘big head’. He good people, too. Him, T.J., Donnovan and E.T. are sure bets. They know how to stay outta trouble but fight if they have to. None of them are punks. They just don’t go around bein’ in the middle of a bunch of nonsense.”
“Yeah.” He exhaled with relief that his suspicions about that crew were wrong. “Maize came up to me first actually, extending an olive branch I guess… I mean, he and I never had any problems anyway but you’d have to be living under a rock to not know that I’m the underdog.”
He saw her smile, but didn’t dare tell her what Maize said she’d declared on his behalf. He knew he’d always love her for that. In a few short minutes, they were standing in front of her grandmother’s house on the sidewalk. He held onto her fingertips, smiling at her, feeling all sorts of things… and happy was definitely one of them.
“Soooo, I guess this is it, huh?”
“Yeah… this is it for now. Tony, I had fun, a real good time. Thanks.”
“I had fun, too. What are your plans tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow mornin’ I’m going to church, then comin’ home and helping Grandmama with dinner. We might play cards, watch some TV.”
“Oh… that sounds all right. Sounds nice.” He nodded and drew quiet. Casting a glance across the street at his house, he took note that his mother’s bedroom light was on, but he knew she wasn’t home. She left it on sometimes to make it appear as if someone was inside when she left out to work. He turned back towards Cassidy and saw the front curtains of her grandmother’s house open, then fall back closed. “I think, uh, Grandmama saw us.” He pointed to the now vacant window and laughed. Cassidy looked briefly over her shoulder.
“She always does that when I’m out.”
“Are you sure you can’t ask her for like thirty more minutes?” he pleaded, squeezing her hand and refusing to let go. Bouncing on his sneakers, he gave the best puppy dog face he could muster as his erection strained against his underwear.
“Boy, you are a trip.” She laughed. “I could, but I better not. She’d wanna know if your mama was home then you’d have tuh get to lyin’.”
“I can’t lie to you. Cass, please. I want you soooo bad!” He stepped closer to her and gave her a big hug before giving her a quick peck on the lips.
“If I go over there to your place it’ll be nothin’ but trouble. It’s not a good idea, even if my Grandmama said it was all right.”
At this, he was taken aback. “Why?” He slowly released her.
“’Cause… it’s… it’s too soon. Look.” She sighed. “I like you a lot, Tony. And I know what happened in the movie might make you think I’m a different kinda girl, but I don’t know…” She shrugged. “I can’t explain it. I ain’t sayin’ I regret it, but I’m not like that, you know? I think you’re handsome, real nice lookin’ actually and I’m flattered that you like me too. I mean, you’re great!” She smiled sadly, and disappointment filled him all of a sudden. “You’re smart. I like that. I wanna keep seeing you but I’m not ready for all of that right now.”
He had so many questions as confusion swam within him. He wasn’t even certain where to begin.
Oh, yeah! It could be that…
“I have jimmies.”
“Jimmies?!”
“Rubbers… condoms.”
“Oh! Y’all call ’em jimmies?” She chuckled and shook her head then folded her arms over her breasts. “Well, anyway, that’s good, but like I said, it’s not my concern. I need to get to know you better.”
“I just, damn it. Shit. I don’t understand this. We’ve known
each other for weeks. We talk practically every day, even on the phone sometimes.”
“I know, but that still isn’t enough time to find out all I want to know about you.”
“Are you a virgin?” he asked, point blank. This was all new to him… He’d never been turned down before, and not that he necessarily minded, but he wanted the reasons, the motivation. He’d been having sex since he was twelve; it was just the way things were. None of his friends were virgins, not even the nerds he used to go to school with. What the hell was going on in her mind? Who the hell was he falling for? Had he offended her? Sex was just something that happened. It was no big deal…
“Now why would you ask me that?” She smirked.
“’Cause I wanna know!” He threw up his hands. “It’s a normal question.”
“What makes you think I’m a virgin?”
“I don’t know if you are or not, I’m askin’. I’m askin’ because every time I kiss you, you act kinda shy at first and it takes you a second to loosen up. I’m askin’ because you seemed surprised when you came, you know, had the big ‘O’ in the movie… Like you had never done that before. And now, you won’t go across the street with me. First you say it’s because of your grandmother, then you say it’s too soon, then you say you don’t know me well enough. I just find this confusing. We obviously like each other a lot. What? Is it ’cause I’m White?” His heart beat faster.
“Now you’re bein’ silly!” she yelled angrily. “It ain’t got nothin’ to do with that. I wouldn’t have gone out with you tonight in the first place if that was the case! What’s the point in going to the movies with a guy who I think ain’t my speed ’cause of his race? No, that’s stupid. It’s for the reasons I said and if you—”
He pulled her close and quieted her with a kiss, hugging her close, feeling her body heat and falling so deep.
“I get it… it’s fine. I just wanted you because I like you so much. I wanted to make you feel good, too.” She smiled. “You don’t have to say anything else, Cass. I’m sorry. I just wanted, I don’t know…” He ran his fingers through his hair, moving the dark tresses out of his eyes.
“You want what all boys want… regardless of whether you respect me, like me or not. I don’t like you any less for that. I just don’t wanna have no baby right now, Tony. Too many of my friends had to drop outta school because they got pregnant and I don’t want a reputation for sleepin’ around, either. Not only that, on the news they said Palm Beach got some of the highest HIV rates… you know they say it spread through blood and stuff. They say mostly gay men get it, but just the other day, this guy everybody know found out he got it too. He ain’t gay. He don’t shoot up no drugs, neither. I’m scared.” Her voice shook.
His heart broke. A wave of guilt flooded him.
“I shouldn’t have tried to pressure you. I wasn’t planning to have sex with you and go ’nd tell everyone about it or nothin’ like that though, just wanna make that clear… not a notch on my belt kind of thing. I genuinely like you, Cass. I’m serious.”
He smiled as she grabbed him close and held onto him tight.
“I believe you. And for the record, to answer your question, I’ve messed around. I’ve come before, since you brought that up, too.” She giggled nervously. “I’ve had boyfriends, kissin’… huggin’… humpin’… touchin’… but I’ve never felt like this before ’bout nobody… butterflies.” Her eyes hooded as if she was falling into some dream right before his eyes. “You the first guy I got that feelin’ with, the one all my friends have told me about but I ain’t know what they were talking about. I don’t know…” She looked briefly down at the ground. “There’s just somethin’ special about you, Tony… Somethin’ different.”
“Good… I feel the same damn way about you, baby.” He took her lower lip into his mouth and kissed and sucked it before slowly letting go and looking into her eyes.
“Yeah, I ain’t innocent. I’ve messed around like I said, but yeah, I’m a virgin, too. I’ve never had sex. I want my first time to be special. Goodnight. I’ll give you a call sometime tomorrow.” She kissed him once more, then turned and walked away…
CHAPTER EIGHT
A Streetcar named Desire
…Several weeks later
“But Mom, I need it!” Tony chased the woman from room to room until they ended back where they began, in the kitchen. Her light gray robe flopped open, revealing her pajama pants and shirt, the same ensemble she’d worn for years. She removed her head scarf, showcasing pink sponge rollers that were neatly placed on her head. “I don’t ask for shit. Can’t you help me out this one time?”
“I don’t have it!” She threw up her hands. “You think money grows on trees, Antonio?! It doesn’t!”
Letting his shoulders slump as he cursed inwardly, he turned away to sift through the utensil drawer for a spoon, so he could dive into a jar of peanut butter.
“I’m slavin’ away practically every day. I need a new car to get back and forth to work myself, so why in the hell would I get you a new car? You’re only sixteen!”
“I’ll be seventeen in April, and I gotta take my girl back ’nd forth to school!”
“Jesus Christ!” Mom rolled her eyes and picked up her cup of coffee, taking a sip. “Your head is in the clouds. While up there, tell God to wring your father’s neck! Bein’ a single mom to you two is gonna kill me. I love ya, Tony, but you’re too much sometimes.”
“Just listen to me. I could help you too, Mom. I could go places to pick up the stuff you need, ya know? Then you wouldn’t have to do all of that by yourself.” Her lips twisted as she placed the cup of coffee back down on the kitchen counter. “It doesn’t have to be a new car. It could be a jalopy as long as it runs.”
“Oh, thank you!” She bowed and did a curtsey. “Thank you, Your Royal Highness, for lettin’ me know I don’t have to get you something fresh off the lot. Your generosity knows no bounds.”
“Mom, come on! I’m serious. I can take care of it, and you know Dante can fix it up once he finishes his mechanic classes. We both can do minor stuff ourselves, now… like oil changes, things like that.”
“Dante has not graduated yet and when he does go to trade school, I doubt he will have time to fix your toys, Tony.” She hissed as she lit a cigarette. Just then, Dante stumbled into the kitchen, his boxers hanging half off his ass. Scratching his bare shoulder with one hand, he opened the refrigerator and picked up the half gallon of milk. His hair was all over the place, his tall, thin body stumbling about.
“Hey, Dante, settle this dispute.”
“There is no dispute. In fact, this discussion is a waste of time,” Mom said.
“Dante, would ya tell Mom here that if she gets me a car she has nothin’ to worry about?” Tony chimed in, ignoring her. “We’ll help ’er get it, and I’ll pay for my own gas.”
“How?! You don’t have a job, Tony! So I guess by the money tree there’s a gasoline tree, too?”
“Now what sense would that make, Mom? The money would go up in flames.”
“This is the wrong time to be a smart ass when you need somethin’ from me. I don’t have the money to give you, Tony, and I’ve said it several times, until I got blue in the face.”
“But I could get somethin’ for, like, $600. I’ve seen ’em advertised around town.” Dante shook his head and poured himself a cup of coffee as the quarrel continued.
“Doesn’t matter if it’s worth only fifty bucks. I knew you were gonna go crazy on me once you got your license. You promised you wouldn’t ask for a car right away.”
“It’s not right away… That was two weeks ago.” He smirked and tossed his spoon onto the counter.
“You’re relentless! No! No car!” She stormed out of the kitchen, walked into her bedroom, and slammed the door.
Dante slumped down at the small two-seater kitchen table, a box of Cheerios under one arm, the milk in one hand, and a bowl and spoon in the other.
“Thanks for your help,
dickhead,” he spat.
“Well shit, Tony! What was I supposed to do about it? You know when ya get Mom worked up like that she doesn’t listen. Look, don’t worry about it, Tony,” his brother said lazily over a yawn. “It’ll work out eventually. I’m tryna get a car, too. That piece of shit I had a few weeks ago died again. This time, it’s for good. It’s not safe walkin’ around here. I tried to tell Ma that more than once. This is a matter of safety, ya know? She doesn’t understand.”
Tony swallowed and nodded as he sat across from him. He tried to not stare at Dante’s black eye, but it was difficult to avoid it. He’d gotten jumped and robbed while waiting on the bus a few days prior.
“Dante, all she does is work. She has no clue what’s goin’ on with me or you and she won’t fuckin’ listen. I could probably round up like $100 dollars towards it. I’d work my ass off to earn the rest back. I’m not lazy; I’d do whatever she asked.”
“That’s not it. It’s the money, money, money, man. She’s in a bad spot. We all are.”
“This isn’t me tryna be like the cool kids or some shit. I’m just tryna get my girl to school, ya know? See? It’s a problem. When I don’t walk with her, like, if I’m runnin’ late or got shit to do in the morning, Cass goes on and leaves and she gets harassed. I mean, hell, she gets messed with sometimes when I do walk with her. She goes to school with her friend Danica sometimes, but that is only every now and then. She said Danica has been unreliable lately. Anyway, the point is, if we’re in a car, that’ll stop that shit. Not only that, I wanna get a job, maybe at a McDonald’s or somethin’. There’s nobody hiring around here but if I get a car, I can drive to work. Fuck that bus shit. Last time I rode it I fell asleep and this son of uh bitch was tryna kiss me… It was a dude, man.”