by Tiana Laveen
“Well, I’ve gotten over him so this is not even up for discussion.”
“No, you ain’t. You ain’t got over him at all.”
“Danica, stop.” Cassidy rolled her eyes. “I’ve been engaged twice, married for five years and now divorced, living my life! I ain’t been thinkin’ about that boy, well, man!”
“Engaged twice ’cause neither of those men measured up to Tony and how he made you feel. You broke off those engagements and didn’t look back. Finally got married to Trey, and he wasn’t no damn good—it’s almost like you got married just to say, ‘SEE! I TRIED!’ But you knew damn well it was doomed from the start.”
“You’re talking complete nonsense.”
“Nope. I know you. We’re like sisters, we tell each other everything and we ain’t never let distance come between us. Ain’t nobody ever measure up to Tony for you and that’s understandable, ’cause Tony was acting like a grown man when he was still a kid. Who else would go to a big ass drug dealer’s house and beg for their brother’s life? A White guy at that?! That info spread ’round town like butter! They said Sly’s ass was impressed!” Danica chuckled. “What other eighteen-year-old you know rent out some property in advance in a whole new city and state for his girlfriend so she can go to school? When we got there, he had the place furnished, too! And he kept sendin’ you money ’til he ain’t have no more, and he sent me some for my mama, too.”
Cassidy was stunned.
“What? You never told me that. Danica, I never told Tony about your mother, I promise. May she rest in peace!”
“I know you didn’t. He told me in a short letter that he overheard us on the phone right before Maize got killed, when he was over Grandmama’s house one time, and I musta been tellin’ you about this medicine she needed but how expensive it was.” Cassidy took a deep breath and fought tears. “He was a good guy, Cass. He had a real good heart. Yeah, he did stupid shit sometimes, just like all these otha niggas, but he was a good ass dude. For real.”
“Why are you trying to sell him to me, Danica? You did this when he and I were together, when I found out he was dealing drugs for Sly and lying to me about it. Now here you are again, singing his praises! I know that Tony meant well most of the time and yes, he was generous to a fault but that was still drug money! At the time, I didn’t see it like that but it was awful.”
“Cassidy, you ain’t perfect. That might come as a damn surprise to you, sis, but you ain’t.”
“I never said I was perfect, Danica,” Cassidy stated dryly, her annoyance building.
“Then why you keep bringin’ up old shit he did? Actin’ like you ain’t never made no mistake, ever said some shit you shouldn’t have or hurt somebody? Now look, I love you, but I’mma always keep it one hundred with you like you do with me. Our friendship has stood the test of time but you wrong right now, and I’m finna tell ya!”
“I’m not wrong! The man is a felon. He murdered someone!”
“AND WHY DID HE DO IT?! You can’t take that outta context! You act like some innocent man was walkin’ down tha road and Tony robbed and beat ’im to death! This nasty mothafucka killed Maize, Cassidy! One of yo’ best friends, yo’ brother!” Cassidy sniffed back tears. “He killed the guy that most of us hated anyway! I ain’t condoning what Tony did, but that’s how the boys in the hood handled shit, all right? You just not gonna walk up there, murder our friend and ride off into the sunset. And you know the cops wouldn’t have done shit ’cause they didn’t care, ’specially way back then. Tony was hurtin’, Cass!”
“Everyone was hurting! His mama was hurting! You were hurting! We were all in shock, broken and hurting!”
“Every time I say somethin’ good about him, you wanna shoot it down. I ain’t tryna sell Tony to you, you can do whatever the hell you want to do, but you ain’t foolin’ nobody! You ain’t mad ’cause he killed Street’s punk ass, who by the way raped Tiny a month before that, so fuck Street! You mad ’cause that action took him away from you. Now facts is facts!”
Cassidy shook with anger, but she bit her tongue as Danica lashed out at her.
“I don’t give uh fuck about you bein’ on the red carpet in Hollywood now, going to fancy parties and smilin’ at your magazine functions. You the same girl from ’round the way, wit’ the pretty hazel eyes, little titties, and big vocabulary that I loved and still do! Now, you may want to pretend you have selective memory, but you don’t. People don’t just forget folks they was in love with. I don’t care if five minutes passed or fifty years. You ain’t never felt that way ’bout nobody since him, and it ain’t have shit to do wit’ all of us bein’ young. That love was real, even Grandmama knew it. Now, I’m done wit’ this shit. I ain’t finna keep arguin’ wit’ you. I ain’t somebody you can get one over on, so save it for ya next lifetime. I will see you tomorrow.” And with that, Danica abruptly ended the call.
Cassidy grabbed a tissue and wiped her eyes, feeling sorry for herself.
Danica was right. She hated how right she was, but that woman’s words were truth.
Just then, she heard a car pull up outside. She peeked out the window and her heart pounded like a drum. Like a smooth, sexy daydream, Tony got out of the car, locked it, and made his way up the walkway. She quickly closed the curtain and took a deep breath.
Don’t matter if Danica is right. I can’t afford any more pain. All I need to do is say goodbye to him and send him on his way. This will be closure, and then I can finally, once and for all, put Tony Romano behind me…
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Point of No Return
It felt a bit strange to be standing on that timeworn, warped porch again.
Tony glanced across the street at his old house, which looked abandoned and in ruins, the only evidence that he’d once lived there a flag post he and Dante had placed themselves. He turned back around and Grandmama’s door slowly opened, revealing the owner of his heartbeat and the blood that flowed within him, the mate of his soul. No matter how he tried to convince himself that he was caught up in the moment, that the sheer magnitude of grief of Grandmama’s passing was making him a bit out of whack, every time he looked into Cassidy’s eyes, even only through her picture in a copy of one of her magazines, the emotions flooded him. It had been an ongoing battle.
“Hi, Tony.” She smiled ever so slightly and stepped aside to let him in. She looked pretty in jeggings and an oversized black T-shirt. She could wear a sack and still be gorgeous as hell.
“Hey, Cass.” He waved a white bag in her direction. “I brought your favorite donuts.”
“Cruller?”
“You know it.” He handed her the sack and she took it from him, holding his gaze. For a split second, he couldn’t believe he was standing there. His mind flashed back to the days right before he’d gone to prison, how he’d stood in that very spot a million times. Everything seemed pretty much the same as he remembered. Waves of nostalgia hit him so hard, he was drowning. The faint sound of music drifted from the house—sounded like ‘Giant’ by Calvin Harris, Rag’n’Bone Man.
“Come on in and have a seat.”
He sat down on the plastic covered couch, which crinkled beneath his weight. Streams of soft light filtered through the living room window, capturing particles of dust dancing in the air.
“I was just in her bedroom tackling her closet. My goodness, my grandmother has collected a lot of mess over the years!” She chuckled. “It seems that when I left to go to college, she turned into a bit of a packrat. Anyway, I haven’t even gotten to my old room yet. There’s no telling what’s in my old closet, but I’ll get to it soon enough.” Cassidy hitched her thumb in that direction.
He couldn’t help but smirk.
“What?” She asked with a smile.
“Remember that time we were havin’ sex and she came home early from church? You’d pretended to be sick and stayed home that morning. When we heard the keys in the door, I hid in your closet.” He shook his head and laughed and she followed su
it.
“Yes, please don’t remind me.” She waved him off.
“I was in there naked as the day I was born, covering my junk in case she ripped the door open. I had the door cracked just a little bit so I could see out. You were butt naked and pulled the sheets up to your neck. She said that you were burning up, must’ve had a fever. She didn’t realize you’d worked up a sweat being on top.” Cassidy burst out laughing again. “You said, ‘I do have a fever, Grandmama! That’s why I took all my clothes off!’ Do you know how hard it was for me to not laugh? I had to shove one of your hats in my mouth and bite down on it.”
Cassidy’s face reddened as he told the story, which came so vividly to his mind.
“Lord, we were ridiculous.” She shook her head then opened the bag of donuts and peeked inside. “Let me put on a pot of coffee.” She walked to the kitchen, out of view, while he pondered the memories and listened to the music.
“So, how long are you in town again, Tony?” she called out, breaking his train of thought.
“I leave in the morning. How about you?”
“Oh, as long it takes. I am working remotely—well, to the best of my ability. I have great staff so they are helping to hold down the fort.”
“That’s good, you know, that you can trust people to help out right now. One less thing you have to worry about.”
“Yeah, and they’ve been so supportive. So,” she came back out the kitchen and stood a few feet away, keeping her distance, “since you’ve been out what have you been up to?”
“I do as much contract work as possible, enough to stay afloat,” he said.
“Contract work? What kind?”
“Contracted portrait work, advertisements, illustrations, graphic design. Since I don’t have an actual graphic design degree, it’s harder, but I’m making do. It pays the bills.”
She took a seat across from him in an overstuffed chair. She crossed her legs and slowly swung her Nike clad foot to and fro. She appeared tense, not at ease. Clasping his hands together, he leaned forward.
“I need to be honest with you, Cass.”
“About what?”
“I have been, uh, following your career. I am subscribed to your magazine,” he said, counting off his fingers. “I have bookmarked online articles about you and interviews you’ve done. I’ve watched countless YouTube videos where you appear at different events. I even have a little folder on my computer desktop containing pictures of you I’ve saved from various websites. I’m a harmless stalker,” he teased, but she didn’t seem to find that funny.
“Why would you do that?” Her brows bunched.
“Do what?”
“Keep track of me like that? I mean, that’s not really me. It’s just my career. It’s not who I am, you know, all encompassing.”
“I’m aware of that… but when I had nothing of you at all any more, something was better than nothing…”
Her eyes grew wide then she jumped to her feet and ran her hands along her pants.
“I’m gonna get that coffee now… it’s ready.” She speed-walked out of there, leaving him to his own devices. He took a good look at the all too familiar photos hanging on the wall. One of them caught his eye, one he’d never seen before. A photo of him and Cassidy on high school graduation day. He got up from the couch and made his way over to it, then smiled. Soon she returned and handed him a small white cup filled with brew.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She returned to her seat with her own beverage and he followed suit. An uncomfortable silence stretched between them for several seconds.
“So, uh, are you seeing anyone?”
“Tony, okay.” She placed the cup down abruptly on the coffee table. “Let’s get this out of the way. I can tell where this is headed. I am not seeing anyone, I’m not married, I have no children, but you probably already know that since apparently you keep tabs on me online. Regardless, I am also not looking to be with anyone right now. I do not wish to rekindle anything with you, either. That ship has sailed. I don’t mean to be rude. I am just being honest.”
“So, let me get this straight. You can actually look me in the face right now, and tell me that you have absolutely no feelings for me whatsoever?”
She took a while to respond, her expression unreadable.
“I would be lying if I sat here and said I no longer cared about your well-being or that I never thought about you every now and again over the years. I’ve always hoped you were okay, but once you made it abundantly clear, and rightfully so, that I needed to move on with my life, I did. Now I extend to you the same sound advice.”
“You sent me three letters… I didn’t respond to any of them.” He took a small sip of the strong coffee, then set it down.
“What’s your point? Is that somehow helping your case right now?” Her tone was cold, devoid of passion or concern. So unlike how she used to be…
“It doesn’t help my case because I’m not on trial anymore and you’re not a prosecuting attorney. What I do know is that you’re really defensive right now but you’re coming from a place of self-care, trying to protect yourself from opening up a wound… I hurt you. It wasn’t intentional, but I hurt you badly. It’s haunted me for years. We made plans and promises and in one night, all of that was thrown away because of me.”
“So now you’re a psychologist? Please don’t sit there and act like you know how I feel and what I think. Yes, I was hurt when it first happened but that was a long time ago.” She rolled her eyes as if the very sight of him got on her nerves. “I had no idea they were handing out psych degrees in prison.”
“I had no idea they were handing out acting certificates to magazine owners… By the way, you suck at it. It’s not your calling.”
Her eyes turned to slits and her lips pursed. He studied the natural, soft curls of her gorgeous afro, the curve of the bridge of her nose and the all too familiar full heart shape of her lips.
“You keep saying it’s all in the past, but you’re still angry with me,” he continued. “So that means you’re lying. It’s fresh, like the shit just happened. Why can’t you admit that?”
“Tony, I see you are still as argumentative as you were when we were children. You seemed to enjoy a good battle every so often, picking fights with me just to get your juices flowing. You’d pick with your mother, your brother, your friends… and you were always cocky about it, too… arrogant, acting as if you were the authority on every damn thing.” Her venom oozed out, thick and acidic, threatening to burn him like acid. “I was hoping that was just a symptom of immaturity. It seems my theory was right but the sad part is, you haven’t gotten better with time, crime and punishment. You’ve remained as callous and overconfident as ever.”
“Callous? Wow!” He laughed. “I’m callous?” He pointed to himself. “I’m the one who sat here and asked a simple question about you seeing anyone and then you went on the attack. Nope. You better look in the fuckin’ mirror.” She bit her lower lip, as if squelching a good and nasty comeback. “As far as the past incidents of me rattling your feathers, I did it on purpose…”
“And for what reason, may I ask? Here comes Bullshit 101, another one of your famous courses, live and direct from the ass of Professor Tony.”
“Ha!” He chuckled and shook his head. “That’s cute. No, really though, I wanted make up sex, Cass. That’s why I would poke the bear. You came louder when you were mad at me…” Her eyes hooded. “That little shy, sweet girl I was madly in love with needed to be revved up. When we’d argue, you’d let me fuck you harder… you could take it, fuck me back with the same vigor. You’d let me pull your long hair, slap your cute, perky ass with a hard hand, and have my way with you… Do you remember all the nasty, sexy, crazy shit we’d do towards the end of our relationship? You were less inhibited, less timid. You were too naïve sexually to figure out what I was up to at the time and I took advantage of that.” He shrugged.
“So, you’re trying to tell me t
hat you were training me?”
“I was teaching you so that by the time we got married, our sex life would’ve reached new heights. Everything we did came to you naturally. I was just bringing it out of you, and anger was the key. Anger is never the true emotion; it just pretends to be. Sadness is real. Love is real. Hatred and anger are actually fear. You were afraid of so many things back then, and I wanted you to feel safe. Simple as that.” He paused for a moment then said, “You know, I wonder if your pussy still smells and tastes like honey.”
He took notice of her accelerated breathing, her chest rising and falling…
“I loved that about you. You were like a fuckin’ dessert every time I dove between your legs and lapped up your sticky, sweet juices. I would beeeeg to taste you, remember? I loved eating your pussy.” She blinked several times, as if in shock. “Back to what I was sayin’ though, we rarely argued except when I was dealing, and that was understandable. We just weren’t that type of couple. We got along real well for the most part but half the time when we did get into it, that was my plan all along… to awaken your inner freak. It worked. I’m sure your ex-husband owes me a written ‘thank you’ letter for a job well done.”
“Okay, that’s enough. I think we’re done here. It appears we need to wrap this visit up right away because you’ve lost your complete mind.” She reached for her coffee, took another sip, then got to her feet. He stood as well and shoved his hands in his pockets. Walking over to the front door, she opened it wide, an invitation for him to get the hell out ASAP. “Safe travels and well wishes, Antonio.” She sounded like a recording, like Siri or some bitchy automated device.
He walked to the door and grinned wide.
“Thank you.” He stepped onto the porch. “Oh, one more thing.”