by C. S. Lewis
‘Boys,’ said the Frog indicating the kings’ flannels, ‘you’re not going in those things?’
‘Yes,’ said Bunny in a hurt voice.
Big sighed: & they started for the inn. All except Quicksteppe who said he was unwell. As soon as they were gone he hastened into a hat, & started down the beach, at a really remarkable rate for so old a gentleman. The Bosphorus was sailing this morning with Macgoullah on board! And he must get Macgoullah!
Alas, his toilet had taken too long. When he reached the jetty the Bosphorus was a good mile out! A lean swift row-boat for hire, manned by three Chessmen came along side. The leader spoke: –
‘Does your Excellency wish a boat?’
Quicksteppe clutched at the straw.
‘Yes,’ he cried jumping in, ‘5 sovereigns if you catch up that schooner!’
‘Yes Excellency.’
In an incredibly short space of time the lean craft was shooting through the water with the general in the stern sheets. But it soon became painfully obvious that the persuers were loosing ground. A fine fresh breeze had caught the vessels sails & under her sturdy master’s fine manipulation was fast dissapearing over the sky line.
III
* * * * * * *
Any sailor who has been to Murry knows the Murryman’s rest. This servicable inn stands on the Royal Wharf & is a spacious building whose architecture presents a hetrogenious appearance as fresh wings have been built on from time to time through the 2 last centuries. On a certain morning about three days after Quicksteppes abortive attempt to catch the Bosphorus, Polonius Green sat in its cosy Inner.10 He was seated on a high-backed oaken bench, beside a Foreigner. The latter was a clean shaven man with flowing red hair.
‘Well,’ the captain was saying, ‘what is the do?’
‘The “do” is,’ said the other coldly, ‘that you have made a fool of yourself.’
The bird bristled.
‘What do you mean, Sir?’
‘Just this. You have told Goose that our leader was bribing.’
‘Yes. But –’
‘Well? –’
‘Our Leader declared that he would not give me a place in the new Clique. So I naturally –’
‘Yes. Because you can set no bounds to your insatiable ambition you overthrow the whole party?’
‘I do!’ said the angry bird.
‘Animal-lander! Sparrow!’
‘Prussian!’
‘How was it you fell out with our leader?’
‘Mind your own business.’ With that, the bird, with ruffled feathers, paid his bill & went out. The Prussian gazed after him with angry eyes, & sank back on his bench.
‘D––n the bird!!’ he muttered. At that moment the doors of the Inner were thrown open & another customer entered. He was a short, fairly stout bear. His fur was of a rich hock-brown color, & well oiled on the top of his round head. His expression was humurous, self satisfied, & intelligent. A cigarette was grasped between his tightly pursed lips. He was clad in a steward’s uniform and his cap bore the legend, ‘H.M.S. THRUSH’. The Prussian looked up.
‘‘morning Mr Bar.’
‘Delighted to see you my dear Glohenman.’
‘Where have you sprung from?’
‘Oh the Thrush is at the Lord Wharf.’
‘Never! And captain Murry on board?’
‘Oh yes.’
‘And Hogge, the mate?’
‘Ist officer,’ corrected R.N. [Bar, of the Royal Navy], ‘but how is business?’
The foreigner looked round. They were alone.
‘Clique business?’
‘Yes.’
Then the two drew close together & for a long time sat in close confabulation. The Bear seemed to give instructions, & the other now & then made notes in a large pocket book. Occasionally he offered suggestions: suddenly, after about a quarter of an hour, to one of these suggestions the steward rose, & said loudly ‘No we will never do that. And don’t get beyond yourself either, my friend.’ Then he went out banging the door.
Left alone the Prussian took another glass & reflected that these cursed Boxonians were all fools.
IV
* * * * * * *
The manager’s room of the offices of Pig & Bradley Shipowner & Carriers Ltd in D Street Murry, betrayed by its appurtenances the tastes & character of its owner. One wall was almost entirely filled up by three huge windows which brilliantly illumined the apartment. The floor was covered by a well worn oilcloth of the conventional light brown. To the right & left stood huge glass-fronted bookcases filled with all volumes necessary to a shipowner, arranged according to authors. On the fuorth wall hung a large map. In the middle of the room was a large double table for the partners. Only Mr Reginald Vant (the Pig) was at this time present. He was a pig of some 40 summers, shrewd, hard working & unaffected. His face at present betrayed no emotion but interest in the papers before him. He was clad in one of those respectibally plain stuff suits so dear to the business-man. Suddenly he was enterrupted by a clerk who said that Mr Green wished to see him, if he was not busy.
‘Admit him,’ said the Pig, pushing aside his work.
A minute later the parrot entered, looking annoyed for he had come straight from the Murryman’s Rest. The Shipowner bade Green sit & gave him a pipe of Montserrat11 which the latter sucked while they talked.
‘My dear Mr Green, what can I do for you?’
‘Only give me a little information Sir.’
‘At your disposal. Biscuits? –’
‘Please. How’s trade?’
‘Just as usual. But what is the information you want?’
‘This. I hear that a certain Mr Glohenman is applying for one of your captaincy’s.’
‘That’s so.’
‘Is he Mr Philip Glohenman, or the brother?’
‘The brother, Mr Green.’
‘Ah. They are much devoted to each other.’
‘So I blieve.’
Pig paused. Then said, ‘Do you know the two Glohenmans?’
‘Exceedingly well, Mr Pig.’
‘Well you as a seaman can advise me. Is this man a good captain?
‘Really Sir, I cannot stop to give you a character now, but I will come to morrow.’
‘Very well.’
The two shipowners shook hands & the bird went out. ‘What,’ thought Pig, ‘was his game?’
V
* * * * * * *
Mr Green was highly satisfied with his morning’s work. He now was even with Glohenman. He knew perfectly well that Capt. G. was a Prussian agent & that it was all important that he should get a place in the Pig Line. Prussia wanted an insight into Boxonian commerce & were depending on this man to give it them. He knew also that Captain Glohenman’s chance of getting the position depended on the character which he – Polonius – gave him before Pig. He had now only to confront the captain’s devoted & patriotic brother with these facts, & he had him at his beck & call. Philip Glohenman would have his brother in the Pig line at all costs. And now that he had this devoted Philip, how should he use his power? The answer was ‘to get myself into the Clique’. Orring, the leader of his party, had refused to get him a place. But Philip had unbounded influence over Orring, so the worthy bird was full of confidence.
On the same morning, at 6 o’clock the steamer Ariadne (C.I.Ry) had arrived from Bombay having on board Lord Big, their Majesties, Visc. Puddiphat & General Quicksteppe. Although she arrived at Player’s Wharf so early, their Majesties and the viscount were up an hour before she was in. The Owl was as immaculate as ever, in a brown lounge suit & a Homburg hat of the same color. The two kings were in grey tweed & high spirits, busily engaged in explaining everything to each other – a superfluous occupation as there was nothing which one knew & the other did not. The viscount gave their Majesties to understand that he was interested in all they told him. The Little Master presently joined the party.
‘Boys, have you not got coats on?’
‘No,’ replied the ’jah.
> ‘Are’nt you cold?’
‘No,’ replied the rabbit.
Arrived at Player’s Wharf, the viscount took his leave of the royal party & jumping into a hackney cab ordered it to drive to the Goose12 for breakfast. Puddiphat’s thoughts were of the sweetest as he lent back on the richly upholstered seat & watched the panorama of Murry streets flitting past. Turkey bored the Owl: he loved Boxen & Murry above all the cities of Boxen. His numerous Alhambras13 were paying excellently. This pleasing reverie was broken in upon by the vehicle drawing up outside the Goose Inn. The young Owl grasped his cane & stepped out, & entering the Inner Coffee Room sat down. He had hardly begun his breakfast when a female music-hall ‘star’ walked up to speak to him. She was chiefly remarkable for an impossible hat & an irritating laugh. Towards Puddiphat she adopted the condescending air which actresses always do towards managers. The subject which they discussed was apparently of some interest, & after some confabulation the Owl got up & going out said,
‘Yes, a splendid idea.’
The result was that a couple of days later The boys, Pig, Colonel Chutney, Fortescue, Mr Hedges14 (The Beetle), also Walking Waggon – Boxen’s best comedian, Rosie Leroy the inimitable comedienne, & Phyllis Legrange comedienne & dancer (the promoter of the scheme), each recieved the following message: –
VI
* * * * * * *
A day after The Owl sent out his invitations, a neat little schooner came along side the Royal Wharf: she was none other than our old friend the Bosphorus under command of sturdy Macgoullah. And very glad he was too to be once more walking up to the Murryman’s Rest. When he had got comfortably settled in the homely Inner with a pipe & a bottle of Vin-de-Brus (for he was rich though plain) he was disgusted by an interruption. The door was flung open & a tall, liveried valet entered.
‘Sir,’ he said, ‘do I address Captain Macgoullah?’
‘Yes.’
‘My master, General Quicksteppe, desires your presence please, if you can come Sir?’
The honest chessman, who had looked forward to a morning at his favorite Inn, was somewhat annoyed, however he felt it incumbent upon him to follow the valet to a motor waiting on the Royal Wharf. Shortly after he had gone Green & Herr Glohenman stalked into the Inner & sat down.
‘Glohenman, I brought you here for an important purpose.’
‘What?’
‘I must have a place in the new Clique.’
‘Well? I can’t help you –’
‘You must.’
‘How so?’
‘Listen! Your brother is trying to get a place in the Pig line.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Never mind. I do know. Now Pig has asked me for his character. Pig trusts me.’
‘But, you –’
‘You have influence with Orring. It is a case of either-or.’
Meanwhile Macgoullah had been shown into a salon in the General’s townhouse, where he stood feeling very uncomfortable & awaiting the owner. Presently a door was opened & the old man entered.
‘Good morning, my dear captain.’
‘Good morning, m’lord. What can I do for you?’
‘Well captain, of course what I am going to say won’t go beyond you?’
‘No, m’lord,’ replied Macgoullah, begginning to feel uncomfortable.
‘Have you heard anything about this movement against the Clique?
‘Er – yes m’lord.’
‘Well, you are a Walterian?’15
‘I think so M’Lord.’
‘Well you know Captain Green?’
‘Yes m’Lord.’
‘Well could you assist me in watching him?’
‘I could not, m’lord,’ cried Macgoullah who was thoroughly sick of the business. ‘You’ll have to get up very early to get the better of Green.’
‘Then, you won’t help me?’
‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ replied the sailor, honestly disstressed at the other’s dissapointment.
VII
* * * * * * *
On the evening of the eventful Saturday, their Majesties were turning Riverside Palace upside down in their preparations for The Owl’s select supper party. They forgot it till they had only quarter of an hour to dress: however after almost superhuman efforts they got into their car in time. After a short drive they stopped outsides Puddiphat’s magnificent townhouse. Stepping out, they were shown into a cloak room crowded with guests, talking in subdued tones & brushing hair & trowsers. For some time they stood politely pushing each other to the door. At last Pig made a bold sally & walked with a large following to the reception-room.
‘My dear Puddiphat!’
‘Delighted Mr Vant. Evening Waggon: you know Reggie the cod – no? Mr Vant – Mr Waggon.’
The bird was resplendent in his evening dress & piqué shirt. He moved off.
‘Why your Majesties. I am much honored.’
Presently Phyllis Legrange walked up.
‘Good evening Miss Legrange. You have never met their Majesties? His Majesty King Benjamen – Miss Legrange etc. Take the rest said.’
Good evening,’ said Bunny nervously, ‘Er – have you been to Sangaletto?’16
‘No,’ replied Miss Legrange, ‘I never go to operas.’
‘I hate them,’ said the rabbit, feeling it was what he should say.
‘Oh Your Majesty! That’s very bad taste.’
Then they both laughed politely.
Meanwhile the host was busy elsewhere. ‘My dear Beetle!’ he said to Hedges, ‘How are the railways? Hullo Chutney. Good evening Miss Leroy. Colonel Chutney – Miss Leroy. Miss Leroy – Colonel Chutney. Why there’s Fortescue. How’s trade? Have you heard Sangaletto? No? – Oh you should.’
‘Who’s singing Sangaletto himself?’ inquired the ’jah who had come up.
‘Vön Oscar Wûlles. He’s awfully good your Majesty. I suppose you’re going?’
‘’Fraid so,’ said the monarch.
‘Why,’ broke out the Owl, ‘Don’t you know Miss Leroy?’
‘Oh yes,’ said the Rajah, ‘I had the pleasure of being introduced at Chutney’s ball last season.’
‘Friends,’ announced the host, ‘Supper is ready.’
‘May I have the pleasure?’ said the ’jah to Rosée Leroy, while Bunny applied the same question to the amiable Phyllis. The whole party adjourney to the supper room where the table groaned under cold ham & chicken, salads, oysters, wines & other delecacies. Everyone got freer & more interesting. Walking Waggon told his best stories, Puddiphat made doubtful jokes & the rest talked, listened & laughed. The ’jah related stories about the Little Master, who was heartily laughed at & afterwards toasted. Then followed toast upon toast, their Majesties of course leading the list. Then as the last stroke of 12 ceased to vibrate, the Owl said, ‘Let us take the air.’
With that they issued forth, hatless & bootless to roam the city.
VIII
* * * * * * *
On the night of the eventful Saturday the Little Master had been to a select political debate at Sir Goose’s chambers & was returning in his brougham at 2 in the morning. Leaning back upon the luxurious cushions he had almost fallen asleep when the strains of a music hall song sung by many voices startled him,
‘Oh Mister Puddiphat
Where did you get that ha-at?’
Such a staid & sober individual as the Frog was annoyed at the idea of any party going out after supper in this manner. Without reflecting who the bounders were he dozed off again. Suddenly –
‘Now down D. street we will go
That’s the place for us you know
Whoop!!’
just besides the coach, which had abruptly stopped. Next instant, to his untold horror, the door was flung open & a crowd of people stood outside.
‘Morning, Sir’ cried one merrily. It was the Owl!
‘Puddiphat!’ cried Big in horror. ‘And (he gasped) your – your – majesties!’ It was only too true. There, before the li
ttle-master’s gaping eyes stood the sovereigns of Boxen, bare-headed, & worse, singing a music-hall song at 2 in the morning, & worse & worse each with a music hall actress!! Behind them surged Pig, Beetle & the others.
‘Your Majesties,’ said he icily, ‘come in & come with me to the palace!’
‘Not at all Big’ protested the ’jah. ‘You come out.’
‘Your Majesties! By a little-master’s authority I request you to come. Upon my word if you don’t I’ll resign!’
‘But what’s the matter?’ asked Bunny.
Soon however the kings sulkily got in, the doors were shut, & the carriage swept on. As soon as they were settled Big said, ‘Boys. This is awful.’ ‘But my dear Big –’
‘Benjamin!!’ this sternly. The rabbit collapsed onto the seat.
Then Big muttered in a dull fatalistic way he had when annoyed, ‘You ought to be deposed.’
‘Wish we could,’ laughed the ’jah.
Seeing that he could make no impression on them the Frog was silent while the carriage rapidly drove to Riverside where at last all three thoroughly annoyed staggered to bed.
IX
* * * * * * *
His Majesties gunboat Thrush to which Mr Bar belonged in the capacity of Purser & Master of the commisariat was a tidy vessel of some 500 odd tons. Five of her crew birthed aft, namely Murray, the skipper, Hogge the 1st officer, Williamson, the gunnery officer, Macfail, the 1st engineer, & last but not least Bar the purser. Just at present she was a day out from Murry on her voyage to Floe, & it was the captain’s watch. Suddenly the look-out reported the Pig-liner Dolfinian on the port bow. Quarter of an hour later the two boats were within haling distance of one another, & Captain Murray ordered the other to stop. In a short time the gig was lowered & the inspection was made. Among other casual facts which the captain happenned to notice was that the 1st mate was a Prussian. Bar only among the Thrush’s crew realised that it was Glohenman’s brother & how he had got there.