Stupid cop! Stupid the YouTube! Stupid cell technology! I curse in my room as I whip off the dress, replacing it with another that's similar but has different-colored pineapples on it. Maybe the Slayers and Beastmasters won't notice.
"Here you go." I shove the wadded-up dress into Ray's hand and shove him out the door.
"Thank you," he says as he walks to his car.
I'm still cussing by the time I get to the chapel. I step out of the car and immediately trip, saving myself by grabbing the car door.
"You alright?" Binny comes rushing over. "You look like you're going to start burning down the town."
I wave her off. Andy has joined her, and he too looks worried. I smooth my hair and dress, rub a scuff mark off my shoes, and face them.
"I'll have to tell you later. But I had a little visit from Detective Ray. By the way—none of us are ever eating a blowfish. Not ever."
The two exchange glances, and I notice that Binny is in a dress and Andy in a suit. Wow. I've never seen either of them so dressed up. That's nice of them.
"Well, come on then," I say to Binny and Andy as I walk in front of them and start walking toward the church. "This wedding can't be any worse than my day started out."
I'm wrong. The chapel is packed. Andy and Binny slip into the back pew, but I stand there in the entryway, gaping.
"Miss Johnson!" Terry Flynn, the reporter, runs up to me. "Is there going to be another murder here today? Can I get the exclusive?"
I snap.
"There will be if you don't leave me alone!" I hiss. The reporter holds up his hands and backs up.
"Pssst! Nani! Over here," Pastor Dan calls out from his office in a stage whisper.
The whole room turns to look at me. And that's when I notice that there are dried fish hanging from the ceiling. Dozens of them. This wouldn't necessarily be a surprise, considering how weird this wedding is. Until I realized that they are blowfish. Puffed-up, dried blowfish. Hanging from fishing line.
I dash into Dan's office and shut the door behind me. The two couples are there. They look thrilled—emotions I wasn't sure they possessed.
Xena's face falls. "You didn't wear the right dress!"
I'm still backed up against the closed door as if I'm fighting to keep zombies out.
"Oh. Right. Sorry about that. It's been confiscated as evidence."
An appreciative Oooooh! comes from the two couples.
"What is going on out there?" I ask. "I didn't think there was going to be much of an audience."
Mr. Slayer raises his hand like he's in class. "I posted the invitation on Instagram. We are so psyched about the turnout!"
I look from one to the other. "You…you don't know these people? They're all strangers?" Who invites strangers to their weddings…I mean, their pod wedding?
Pastor Dan looks away. I see he's opted for the costume Elvis wore at the famous Aloha Concert—the last one before Elvis died. One of the rhinestones hits the overhead light funny, and I'm temporarily blinded.
"No! They're not here for us," Cersei says with a kind of creepy excitement. "They're all here for you!"
I have a bad feeling about this. "For me?"
The four nod, and Xena speaks. "We said that the Ukulele Undertaker would be playing. And it worked! Instant crowd."
"Why did you do that?" I barely manage. Now I don't feel so bad about not wearing the dress.
"Why wouldn't we?" Mr. Beastmaster says.
As bizarre as these people are, I guess I should've seen that coming.
"And when the paper today said blowfish poison—we rented some and hung them up all over the place!" Xena says happily.
"Blowfish Poison didn't kill Allison…" I say for some stupid reason.
Cersei claps her hands together! "You used something else, didn't you?" She turns to her husband to be. "Can we add that to our vows?"
The others agree quickly. Who are these people?
"No! You can't say that in your vows!" I give Dan a glance that tells him to take control of this fiasco.
"You could confess!" Cersei seems even more delighted with this idea. "We have a videographer and everything!"
The four idiots high-five themselves, and I think Mary Lou was right. I wonder what she's doing today. Maybe I could run from here and swing by there for more of those cookies and some insults.
"I am not confessing to a crime I didn't commit!" I finally find my tongue. "And I'm not a sideshow for your wedding!"
Dan jumps to his feet, realizing I might walk at any moment. "No, you don't have to do any of those things. Nani, can I see you for a moment to go over the…um…program?"
Before I can agree, he pulls me out the back door of his office and outside the chapel.
I stand before him, awaiting my apology.
"Did you talk to Mary Lou?" he asks.
My jaw drops open. "What?"
"Mary Lou," he repeats slower and louder.
"I heard you." I clench my fists at my sides. "I just thought you had something more relevant to the circumstances to say. Something like an apology for not giving me a heads-up to what's going on here."
"I am sorry about all that. Sorry about the Mary Lou thing. I should've waited until after the service." He wipes the sweat on his forehead on his sleeve. It's pretty hot, and he's sporting a thick black pompadour with sideburns.
Once again, I take deep breaths and try to calm down. This got out of hand quickly. I can't imagine Dan knew anything about what these idiots had planned. Although…this is the largest anything we've had here. If he did know, or even thinks this is great for business…well, I'm not sure what I'd do.
"I'll tell you about Mary Lou after. But for now, we are going to go in there and deliver this wedding. I am not going to confess, play anything morbid, or do anything other than the 'Hawaiian Wedding Song' and 'Aloha O'e.' Is that clear?"
I've never spoken to Dan like this. But then, I've never had a snake wedding turn into a blowfish wedding that celebrated me murdering someone, so I guess it's a first for both of us.
"Right," Dan says. "Let's do this."
As we reenter the chapel, I give him a look that would melt that plastic pompadour onto his bald head. He seems to understand that.
I almost trip over Binny. She's holding two huge pythons and smiling broadly.
"What's this?" I ask a bit too loudly as I flinch. The snakes are real. I force some steel into my spine.
A hush falls over the chapel outside Dan's office, and I hear snippets of She's gonna kill someone with a cobra! Is your cell charged? This will look awesome on Snapchat!
"They asked me to be the snake handler." Binny grins. "Isn't that cool?"
I glare at the two couples.
Xena shrugs. "She came in here looking for you. Said she's your friend. Of course we gave her the snakes."
Of course they did. What was I thinking?
"Let's do this," I bark as I open my uke case and walk out of the office to the altar where I take my place.
The audience goes dead silent. Every weirdo from Hawaii must be here. I think most of them are holding their breath. But they aren't going to get the show they were promised. I'm not killing anyone, and I'm not singing either. I start strumming the wedding march and wait.
The couples puddle at the other end of the aisle. They look at each other curiously before deciding I'm not doing anything more than I've just said. Finally, Mr. Slayer holds his arm out to Cersei, who places her hand on it. They begin the procession, with Mr. Beastmaster and Xena right behind them.
I can't help but notice that the two men are, in fact, wearing small coiled snakes around their wrists. There must be rings in there somewhere, but I've decided I don't care anymore, and I keep playing.
Pastor Dan joins me at the altar as the two couples come up and stand before us. I stop playing as Dan begins the ceremony. To my surprise, the sermon is pretty normal. Boring even. I thought these folks would have at least a Hail Satan or a voodoo ritual.
> But no. The ceremony is just like anyone else's. Maybe their imaginations crapped out when they rented every dried blowfish available on Kauai. Or maybe they really did want to get married. I'm beginning to calm down and start breathing. I even find myself settling into the routine.
Binny appears on the other side of Dan, still smiling as she has maybe fifty pounds of python draped over her shoulders. Andy is giving her the thumbs-up from the back of the room. Apparently, he approves.
"The rings, please…thank you very much!" Pastor Dan says. It's his trademark thing. Well…it's Elvis's trademark thing, but this is what Dan says at this point of every wedding.
He crouches down into the Vegas Elvis stance, the wings from his suit splayed. Mr. Slayer unravels the little snake from his wrist and slides off a snake ring. His hands shake a little as he holds it in the air just before putting it on Cersei's finger.
"Cersei," he begins the vows, "you are the queen of my heart. And winter is coming," he says as he slides the ring onto her finger.
You wouldn't believe how hard it is to suppress an eye roll after hearing that. But I do.
Cersei looks him in the eyes. "Yeah. Alright."
Mr. Beastmaster turns to Xena and does the same thing with his snake and ring. "Xena, you are my warrior princess, and I am your Gabrielle."
"M'kay," Xena says.
Nope. Not gonna acknowledge this. I start playing "Aloha O'e" and watch as Dan takes the two huge reptiles off my best friend and drapes them around both people in each couple.
"With these snakes," Pastor Dan says, "I now pronounce you husbands and wives. You may kiss the brides."
Nothing weird happens here. Which is kind of refreshing.
The couples turn to the audience.
"I'd like to introduce," Pastor Dan says, "Mr. and Mrs. Slayer and Mr. and Mrs. Beastmaster. Thank you very much!" He actually collapses into the splits. I hope he can get back up again.
I launch into the recessional as the two couples head back up the aisle. The audience does not applaud. In fact, they look confused. In front the Slayers hesitate and look at each other. I feel a little sorry for them. Everyone deserves applause at their wedding.
"Yeah!" Andy shouts from the back and begins clapping vigorously.
Soon everyone is clapping politely. I can't help but smile. My cousin is a good guy. I glance at Binny, who is beaming at him. Binny is big on kindness. He just scored major points with her.
I can't help but think that Mary Lou would've found something in this ceremony that she liked. Who knows? Maybe she's into Game of Thrones or Xena: Warrior Princess. In a way, it's sad that she's not here. Mary Lou always dressed to match the bride's colors. She took pictures and printed one, putting it in a tacky plastic frame as a souvenir. And she oversaw the tossing of the bouquet.
Hopefully, these two couples won't toss a snake at the audience. This is not my wedding—I'd just hate for someone to be crushed by a flying python. My wedding will be different. And probably Nick and I will get married here. I gasp at the thought. We've never discussed anything like that. So why did it pop into my head? And why did the thought of a snake sailing through the air and braining a guest suggest it?
I play the last note and put my ukulele by my side. Even if it was a nightmare, there's something sweet about weddings. Except for the fact that this woman has to take Beastmaster as a last name. There's nothing sweet about that.
Then I hear what appears to be a gasp. It ripples toward the front, and I stand on tiptoe to see what's going on.
Terry Flynn, the reporter for the Aloha Sun, is staggering up the aisle like a drunkard. He doesn't introduce himself and the name of his employer as usual but collapses midway and screams, "Murder!"
As he falls, glassy-eyed, to the floor, a small snake slithers out of his shirt. Andy runs forward and takes the man's pulse. He then does something I may never forgive him for. He looks right at me and shakes his head.
The crowd turns to see who he's looking at, and I'm completely frozen to the spot.
Then they burst out in loud applause and catcalls that continue for a long, long time. I guess they got the show they came for after all.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
It took the police an hour to get everyone outside and away from the crime scene, but not before I was besieged with requests for autographs and selfie poses. I fended them off as best I could before Binny and Andy came to my rescue and hustled me into the office.
I'm just about to call my attorney, when I notice she's left me a voicemail.
Miss Johnson, I'm so sorry, but I have to run to the mainland for a family emergency. If you need me to, I can recommend other representation… I delete the message. Great. My lawyer is AWOL. Now what?
I'm numb. Another person died within my proximity. I'd always imagined what fame would be like. This, however, I don't want. My mind is racing from fear to the absurd. I wonder if the government would like to use me as an assassin. I wouldn't even need to do anything—just get me within a few feet of the guy they needed dead.
Binny guards the back door to the office while Andy manhandles folks at the front door. I sit on the sofa and tremble. I'm ice cold. Here. In Hawaii. Still, I can't help shivering uncontrollably.
I need to get out of here. There has to be someplace I can go to be alone. Like a volcano. Or Greenland. The fact that Terry Flynn has just died in front of all of us is such a shock that my brain feels icky.
"I'd never even seen a snake before, except on TV or in the movies," Binny says.
"What?" I ask.
"There are no snakes in Hawaii," she replies.
I stare at her. "What do you mean, there are no snakes in Hawaii? Of course there are snakes. Snakes live everywhere."
Binny shakes her head. "That's why I was so excited to be the snake wrangler. After they told me they weren't dangerous, that is."
"What do you mean?" Andy asks, looking back from his post at the door. "How can you not have snakes?"
"Well, we live on an archipelago. So there's no way for them to get here unless they fly or swim. We didn't have mosquitos either until the American missionaries showed up."
Huh. I learn something new every day, I guess. And while it's nothing that I can use to prove my innocence, for now it'll have to do.
Pastor Dan bursts into the room, shutting the door behind him. He's nervous. I'd be too if someone died in my chapel.
"Nani…I didn't know. You have to tell them you didn't know."
Andy frowns and looks through the window in the door. "Hey! They're arresting the two couples who just got married!"
I perk up. "So they killed the reporter?"
Could this be solved already? I mean, it's sad for the Slayers and Beastmasters, but yay for me, right?
Pastor Dan bends down and looks earnestly at me. "You have to tell them I didn't know!"
The mist on my mind dissolves, and I stare at him. "What are you talking about?"
"He's talking about the fact that it's a Class C Felony to bring snakes into Hawaii," Detective Ray says as he walks through the door.
I look from Ray to Dan, then back at Ray. "Seriously?"
Pastor Dan, still in his Elvis togs, looks like he's about to vomit.
"He didn't know," I say to the detective. I'm not sure what it is Dan didn't know, that the possession of snakes is illegal here or that Terry Flynn was going to be murdered?
"It's not well known." Detective Ray sits on the sofa next to me. "And we have an amnesty drop off program for people. No fines or jail time if they do that."
"Jail time?" Dan squeaks. His color has turned from green to purple.
The detective nods. "A couple of years."
If Binny hadn't been there to catch him, Pastor Dan might've fallen right through the floor.
"I didn't know," I parrot the pastor. "I've never even heard of a place without snakes. We grew up with garter snakes back home. They were everywhere."
Andy agrees. "She's right. And since she's
new here and had no idea, you can't penalize her."
Ray says nothing. He stares at my cousin, but it's hardly what you would consider intimidating. More like being stared at by a narcoleptic koala.
He turns to me. "It's not just a criminal offense. It's an eco-crime. Introducing snakes on the islands would destroy the other animals that live here. And you had five here today."
Okay, so… I was going to jail for either murder or snake possession. Not a great day for me.
"And then there's Mr. Flynn. We still haven't found the snake that killed him. Can you describe it?"
I shake my head. "It all happened so fast. He was in the middle of the chapel, and I was up front."
Ray looks at Binny and Andy, but they shake their heads too.
"How do you know it was the snake that got him?" I asked. "Maybe we all hallucinated the snake. There were a lot of snake things happening."
"Two puncture wounds on the victim's throat." A man enters the room. He's wearing those scrub-like clothes you see on crime shows. "And because of the medi-alert bracelet he was wearing, we know the deceased was allergic. There's a small puncture mark in his arm, which indicates that he used his epinephrine injector but must not have done so in time."
"This is Dr. Troy" is all Detective Ray says about the man.
"Miss Johnson." Ray pulls a notebook out of the breast pocket on his aloha shirt. "You had threatened the victim just before the ceremony. There were witnesses."
Oh crap. I pictured Terry running up to me before Dan got me into his office. I did threaten him. I think I'd rather go to jail for the snake thing.
"Um, yeah…I guess I did. Sorta…" I say meekly.
"He accosted her!" Binny snaps. "Jumped her before she could do her job!"
I'm not sure that helps. It just gives me motive.
Detective Ray sighs as Dr. Troy leaves. "The only thing that saves you here, is that you have dozens of witnesses who saw you perform and say you were nowhere near the victim. And they all seemed disappointed when they confirmed that."
I'll bet. That mob wanted to see me kill someone. Like some sick snuff-play. If that is a thing…which I hope it isn't.
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