Other times I stop all the fretting and just accept myself out of exhaustion. My GL helps me reprioritize and remember what I’m really looking for, and I just stop trying—not in a bird’s-nest-on-my-head, no-teeth-brushing kind of way, but in an “I AM ENOUGH, I’VE HAD ENOUGH!” way.
Look in the mirror and concede. Let GL’s internal chaos hone itself down into the simple, truest version of you: “I’m just gonna wear these heels, and fucking who cares.” You’ll go out into the night, and you’ll realize that all the fretting and self-loathing wasn’t worth it because (A) no man could possibly know all the effort you put in and (B) everyone else is only paying attention to themselves, anyway. In the end, we’re all only trying to look good so we can get that one good Instagram picture. And maybe that one perfect husband because he saw your one good Instagram picture? Whatever.
6
How to Text a Man Without Throwing Your Phone Through a Window
We’ve already discussed how dating and sex can drive women mad. But no other form of personal interaction can send our Girl Logic further off the deep end than texting. I mean, is there ANYTHING that provokes a more classic GL response (obsessing over subtext, daydreaming over future possibilities, and ruminating over yesterday’s heartbreaks) than texting? Our parents don’t understand this, of course. My mom always says, “Why don’t you pick up the phone and call him?” And I’m like, “Because I’m not a psychopath.” Phone calls are for family, doctors, and American Airlines telling you that your flight is delayed.
Most of us have spent our dating careers poring over texts from guys, analyzing perceived inflection: “He used an ellipsis—was there something else he wanted to say? Something he wanted me to think? Is he trapped inside his own brain? Is this a Diving Bell and the Butterfly situation?! DOES HE NEED SAVING?!”
We’ve created stories: “He texted during lunch because he OBVIOUSLY remembered that I like eating lunch.” We’ve plotted the perfect response, but only after conducting an informal Gallup poll: “53 percent of my girl friends think I should write back ‘k,’ while 47 percent believe I should say ‘OK’ with a smiley face, after exactly three hours.”
Our Girl Logic kicks in as a self-preservation device, both to help us explain the unexplainable and to bring rationality to something that feels beyond our control. Even when it comes to a simple text, we are factoring in past relationships, current feelings, and our hopes for the guy down the road—sex, a relationship, or just a timely reply.
This stuff is more confusing than ever because my generation of daters has created a world where no one is human. We’re all just text boxes floating in space, and it’s so damned easy to walk away from someone who appears to be nothing more than binary code with perceived inflection. Guys and girls meet on apps, start flirting over text, and three lines in, they just… wander away forever. In real life you’d never say, “Hey, what are you doing tonight?” (asking at like, 6 p.m., rude) and then stroll off to follow a butterfly instead of waiting for an answer. But we’ve created a world of romantic interactions where this is completely normal. We ignore, we ghost, and above all else, we just keep looking for something better.
To cope with all the crap, modern women have begun to, well, act like men. Act like we don’t give a fuck, like we’re “chill,” like we’re into “ethical nonmonogamy” and playing games and waiting fucking forever to respond to a message. Can you blame us? Hell, a lot of guys sign up for dating apps just for the satisfaction of “matching” with a girl, then they never bother talking to her. For this reason, we’ve stopped being honest about how we feel and what we want. We’ve given in to Girl Logic when it tells us to play games, wait hours to respond, or act like we have sixteen men waiting in the wings on a Friday night. In short, we’ve started giving back exactly what we started getting: nothing.
Because texting is so nuanced, I figured I’d help you through it. I happen to pride myself on being one of the world’s best texters. Not only am I great with inflection and punctuation, I’m also the fastest texter you’ll ever meet. Plus, my interest level is obvious. I don’t like you, it’s clear. If I want something, I say it (of course I’d prefer you just guessed it until I change my mind; I’m a woman, after all).
This chapter is your very own guide to texting men without losing your mind. I’ll show you how to better understand guys, show you when Girl Logic can be used to your advantage, and explain when it’s necessary to turn off GL altogether as you attempt to communicate with people who have penises. Basically, I’m gonna try to show you how to not feel awful at the end of a text exchange.
Five Modern Male Archetypes… and How to Text Them
The following archetypes don’t represent ALL men out there, but most likely do encapsulate a few you’ve encountered in the wild. Here I’ll explain each man’s texting style and what to do and not do if you’re trying to date one of these guys. I’d like to stress that there are lots of nice, normal, wonderful guys out there, but since they are all the aforementioned superlatives, you don’t need a guide for them.
1. The Entrepreneur with a Good Heart… but No Brain
This guy is good-looking but hasn’t quite found himself. He might own a T-shirt brand that spreads awareness about “inner peace” or an energy drink / bracelet combo that helps raise money for poor kids in the rain forest. Problem is, while he seems like a philanthropist, only time will tell if he’s a successful one. Meanwhile, you have to hear him prattle on endlessly about this one “amazing summer he and his best girlfriend backpacked through Honduras.” You’ll run into him again in ten years and he’ll be married with at least one baby. The wife will be mind-numbingly supportive and either be a stunning Latina or a really average white woman; there is no in between for men like this. His millionaire dreams will either be realized, or he will have moved back to Mariana’s hometown to be closer to her family.
His Texting M.O.: “To just reach out! Just spreadin’ the love!” He’ll send these short missives just to check if you’re still responsive. He might even say something as trite as “What’s up pretty lady?”
What to Text If You’re Trying to Ask Him Out: Creative types like this are a little scattered, so if you are the kind of girl who doesn’t wanna play a game, be as direct as possible: “Hey, I’m going to rob a bank on Saturday, want to come?” Offer something a few days ahead of time, because he will never be able to get his shit together day of. If he can’t find the time and doesn’t offer an alternative plan, move on. This guy is a headache.
What to Text If You Want to Blow Him Off: Nothing. He’ll move on of his own accord because he is so busy donating a portion of his maca gummy snack proceeds to an online eco fashion show.
Pitfalls to Look Out For: Guys like this often seem… busy. They aren’t trying to be assholes; they’re just really consumed with their projects. So he might engage in a conversation for an hour, drop out, and then a day later text at like 3 p.m. with, “Hey chica! You lovin’ life today?” Also, he might not wear shoes.
2. Youth Pastors (a.k.a. That Charming Small-Town Everyman Type)
OK, so these men might not be actual youth pastors because how many of us encounter youth pastors regularly? Basically, these are small-town guys who know everyone, get along with everyone, and find themselves incredibly charming. Often these guys take society’s overwhelmingly positive response to their existence as their cue to get into acting or some kind of public speaking or performing. They are attractive, charismatic, and love to talk. Public speaking, whether you’re trying to be funny, commanding, or impactful, is often done for one reason, though: to serve the speaker’s ego. Think about it; you have this innate desire to stand in front of strangers and have them listen to you. In small towns, an audience can be hard to come by, except if you attend church. “Oh, you wanna serve the Lord? Well, let’s get you an audience!” Eventually, some of those guys move to Los Angeles with hopes of turning that passion for public speaking into a less secular endeavor, like… acting. Or hosting. Which is what
actors do when they can’t get acting work. I would know, I’ve done it twice.
His Texting M.O.: He’s straightforward; if he wants to see if you’re around, he’ll try to pin down a concrete plan. Nothing nefarious.
What to Text If You Want to Ask Him Out: “You around this week?” This is good because it gives him a chance to talk about / show off all the things he is doing, and he still feels like he is in control when he then suggests a plan on a day that works for him. Remember, he is a failed public speaker trying to get famous; he needs to be in control of something in his life.
What to Text If You Want to Blow Him Off: Tell him you need to focus on your career. He will understand that, and then he’ll tell you he has to do the same.
Pitfalls: Might have an ego, an ex-wife (from when he got small-town married at like eighteen), and might be naïve to city life. Also calls all dudes “brother,” but he’s white.
3. Bad Boys
There’s no such thing as a free spirit after age twenty-one. “Bad boys” are just irresponsible adults who behave like children. Maybe they do drugs, maybe they’re emotionally unavailable, but the whole charade becomes a little ridiculous because they’re old and they have nothing left to rebel against. Breaking the law (I’m talking armed robbery, not buying weed) just makes you a criminal. And tattoos? Not edgy anymore; most people have them. Oh, you had a famous tattoo artist do that $500 thing on your bicep? Is it a frying pan? Dope. Oh you wear a leather jacket and drink and don’t always text back? Guess that makes me a bad boy, too!
His Texting M.O.: To see if you are around to fuck. (You don’t need me to explain this one to you.) He doesn’t wanna hear something cute or funny about your mom visiting.
What to Text If You Want to Ask Him Out: If you wanna be as casual as him, “You around later?” will always pique his interest. You can’t ask if he’s around now because he probably has a day job he likes to pretend doesn’t exist, like managing a chain restaurant or a Goorin Bros.
What to Text If You Want to Blow Him Off: Nothing. He’s a bad boy; he won’t care. Even if he does care, it won’t matter because he’s spent so much time trying to look like he doesn’t.
Pitfalls: He might become a vegetable when he crashes his “hog.” He might have a thumb ring or bad hair under that beanie he wears in the summer. Filthy fingernails. He also, unless blessed with good genetics, might have weird teeth.
4. Older but Trying
At some point in your early twenties, you will meet an older guy. He might not be attractive or wealthy, but he’s mature. He has manners, a mortgage, and he knows who to call when there’s a problem with health insurance. Really, if you met this man when you were older, you wouldn’t be impressed. But when you’re twenty-three and he’s thirty-five, and he knows who to “deal with at the airline,” it’s hot. I once dated an older guy who would pick me up for our date, pull up to my apartment, and stand outside his car with the doors open. What a move! In hindsight, dude should have come to the door; plus, he was driving a truck in LA and didn’t work in the farming industry; weird choice. (Also, that was the guy who later pretended he died, so that explains a lot, but even I couldn’t have predicted a death faking to happen.)
His Texting M.O.: He is genuinely trying to ask you out. He wants to take you on a date; maybe it’s to have sex, maybe he likes you, but still. A date!
What to Text If You Want to Ask Him Out: You won’t have to. He will ask you. Older guys are great like that.
What to Text If You Want to Blow Him Off: Call, don’t text—older guys just don’t text as well as younger women do. His old-man fingers won’t be able to respond fast enough! These men need a simple, straightforward phone call explaining that you’re sorry but you just HAVE TO wash your hair tonight (that’s something they’ll remember from their youth).
Pitfalls: Children your age, glares in public, old-man body, old-man smell. Might make you watch Fletch. Has a collection of Robert Graham shirts that won’t quit.
5. So Hot You Could Actually Cry
Once in awhile you get a guy so perfect that, even on your best day, you wonder if you shouldn’t be hobbling along in front of him, periodically bowing down to throw rose petals in his path. Jeans slung low, worn-in leather belt, dog tag–ish necklaces hanging (necklaces you’d like to imagine an old gypsy woman gave him when she cursed him with terrible beauty, but in reality they’re from an Army surplus store). Maybe he has long hair, and every time you run your hands through it you think, “There’s no way the man I end up marrying is gonna have hair, so I’d better get these pets in now.” Maybe he’s just jacked, and, when he wears a Henley (because you bought him one and threw out his other clothes), he makes you feel like you’re living in the Abercrombie ads of your youth. Regardless of his particular type of hotness, guys like this are but a fleeting dream for any hypermotivated or smart woman. Yes, arm candy is fun to flit around with, but, at the end of the day, you don’t want to hear his songs he plucked out on bass, you don’t want to hear his fitness ideas, and he probably watches Ballers or cheers for The Ohio State, and you’re like, “You didn’t even go there.” Complex women need complex men.
His Texting M.O.: He wants to ask you out. But he’s shy and doesn’t give long answers. Don’t take his silence as a slight. He is just kind of quiet, and/or stupid.
What to Text to Ask Him Out: A guy like this enjoys a direct woman. Ask him to meet for a drink. Remember, he’s hot. He’s gonna want, like, whisky, so don’t take him to a bar with embarrassing drinks in pineapples.
What to Text to If You Want to Blow Him Off: Just tell him you have to study.
Pitfalls: Might not know current events. Might think he knows current events, but, um, he only reads tweets. Will absolutely have an ex-girlfriend who is hotter than you; don’t let him know it bothers you.
How to Decipher a Dude-Text
Now let’s decipher a classic text response from a guy. Let’s say you send this message to a new guy you’re seeing: “Hey, stupid meeting ran late. I’m running 20 minutes behind, but I’m on my way!”
“OK”: Variations on a Theme
If he writes back “OK!” it means he doesn’t mind and is pumped to see you. No stress, no drama.
If he writes back “ok,” don’t read into it one moment further. He’s a dude, and he got the text. End of story.
If he writes back “k,” you might need to worry a little. Both of you know by now that “k” is the international text sign of passive-aggressive approval. NO ONE DOESN’T KNOW THAT “K” IS SOMETHING YOU WRITE WHEN YOU’RE MIFFED. If they don’t know that? Then you need to date someone else because lack of awareness about social practices, especially when it comes to texting, will manifest itself in other annoying ways later. Dude lives under a rock; probably a rock in his parents’ house. In sum: he’s mildly annoyed you’re late, and he half-assedly wants to make you feel bad on your lonely little ride over there.
If he writes back “k…” (NOTE THE ELLIPSIS!) then he is a fucking serial killer, and do not go to that bar. The subtext of this ellipsis is “It’s OK… but not really.” It creates unease and makes you think he’s holding something back—something he should have spit out. Or maybe he simply has no idea how to use an ellipsis, and do you really want to date an idiot who doesn’t know his punctuation:;’!]?
Rules for Text-Ghosting
Rule 1: You can’t ghost if you’ve been out more than twice in two weeks. A bond has been established, you liked them enough to have another go, now you’re more than strangers. You owe them a text.
Rule 2: You can’t ghost if you’ve slept with the person (and it wasn’t the first night you met).
One-night stands are as much of a part of dating as guns are a part of American culture; it’s impossible to separate the two, despite all the downsides.
Rule 3: You can’t ghost if you’re in the middle of an actual discussion via text. Have the social decency to at least end the conversation, don’t be a weirdo. All else is fa
ir—not cool, but fair.
The Ghosting Grace Period: If you go out once and you aren’t into him, ghosting in the first twenty-four hours should be considered your grace period. If a guy disappears, only to text a girl three days later, then he’s just rude and obviously doesn’t think you’re that great. Guys, listen to me now. If you like a girl, it behooves you to text her the next day to say, “That was fun, let’s hang this weekend.” Unless you’re the president, you have time. And if you don’t? “Hey, that was fun. I’m busy this weekend but when are you free again?” is perfect.
How to Text a Hookup Gone Awry
Once upon a time, I dated this guy. We went out maybe five times over the course of a few weeks. By this point we were texting every day. I thought it would be fun if he came to Las Vegas with me for a show. When I asked him and told him what weekend, he said, “Sounds fun,” but never gave me a concrete yay or nay; in fact, he outright disappeared. Actually, he went camping. He said, “I’m going camping,” and I said, “Oh fun, where?” and… that was it. I guess what he meant was, “I’m going camping literally right now and could lose service at any second.”
He resurfaced a few days later, but it was too late—I was already in Vegas, and I was already irritated as hell by his flakiness. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, dealing with someone you’re ACTUALLY DATING but who refuses to give you a straight-up answer about plans, your Girl Logic might start going haywire. You might be tempted to play it cool to mess with him. You might start having fears that if you don’t respond in a sweet enough way, you’ll scare him off AND WHAT IF HE WAS THE ONE?!?!?!? You can’t let those GL-triggered fears consume you. You need to tell your GL to shut up and realize that what you really want is someone who doesn’t act like this.
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