Mark sat back and breathed deeply through his nose. “I still can’t believe we lost to them by four hundredths of a point.”
“I’m trying not to dwell on that so much,” I said, staring down at the table.
“Have you talked to Josh at all?”
I shook my head. “Not since right after the event.”
“Are you guys finished?” he asked gently.
“I… I don’t know. I’ve been having a lot of doubts about whether we’re supposed to be together. But when I think about not having him in my life…”
Mark took a long draw on his coffee. “Take your time figuring it out. Let yourself get past all this mess from nationals first.”
I nodded slowly. “I will.”
We talked a while longer and discussed our immediate plans for the future. Mark’s were a lot more definite than mine. He was applying to Cape Cod Community College for the fall semester and starting a job at his dad’s auto shop the next week. I still had to research which schools I might apply to and decide if I wanted to take a second shot at Boston College.
When I left the coffee shop, I did have one definite plan. There was another relationship I had to repair. I drove across the island with the sun setting in my rearview mirror, and I arrived at Em and Sergei’s house with anxiety clawing at my stomach.
I climbed onto the porch and pressed the doorbell, and Sergei looked at me with surprise when he opened the door.
“You rang the bell,” he said.
“It didn’t feel right… just letting myself in.”
He gave me an understanding smile and stepped aside. “Come in.”
I took a few steps into the living room, and Em lifted her head from where she was working in the kitchen. The twins also stopped playing with their building blocks.
“Coco, you home!” Quinn ran toward me.
I knelt on the carpet, and both Quinn and Alex threw their arms around my neck. I held them close and kissed the tops of their soft little heads. I’d missed my snuggle buddies and their sweet hugs.
Em wiped her hands on a dishtowel and came around the bar into the living room. Her eyes were so much brighter than they’d been the last time I’d seen her in person.
“I’m so happy you’re here,” she said. “When you didn’t answer my messages, I didn’t know if…”
“I didn’t wanna talk over the phone,” I said as I rose to my feet.
Alex tugged on my jacket. “We made you a present.”
“Let’s get it!” Quinn grabbed his hand, and they clambered up the stairs.
Em motioned to the sofa. “Come sit.”
I took off my jacket, and Em and I sat on the couch while Sergei took the oversized chair. I was contemplating how to begin when the twins came bounding down the stairs with a piece of paper. They held it behind their backs as they stood in front of me.
“Mommy tolded us you sad about the Olympic,” Quinn said.
“So we made you dis.” Alex handed me the paper.
On it was a crayon drawing of a bright blue ribbon with a gold medal hanging from it. Written on the medal in crooked letters was Coco #1 Skater. My eyes pooled with tears, and I put my hand to my heart.
“It say Coco number one skater,” Alex said.
Quinn poked the paper. “Mommy help us write it.”
I smiled and swiped at the moisture trickling onto my cheeks. “I love it so much. This is the best present ever.”
I brought them in for more hugs, and then Sergei took their hands. “Let’s let Mommy and Court talk, and you can help me make the salad.”
Em went over to her purse on the bar and pulled out a packet of tissues. She took one for herself before offering the rest to me. I hadn’t noticed she’d started crying, too.
We both began to speak at the same time and then insisted the other one go first. Em had the final word and gave me the floor. I finished blotting my eyes before I began.
“I said some really harsh things to you, and I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you. That wasn’t fair. You and Sergei have done so much for me. You brought me into your home and you’ve treated me like family…” I took a breath to settle my shakiness. “I know how much you wanted this for me, how hard you worked to make it happen. I couldn’t have gotten anywhere close to making the team without you.”
Em’s chin trembled. “I should’ve done more, though. I feel so awful that I let you down.”
I shook my head vigorously. “You didn’t. You did everything you could to make sure we skated the best program of our lives. I couldn’t have asked for better coaches—”
I choked on a sob, and Em pulled me in for a long hug. Neither of us could speak as we sniffled quietly. After we finally let go, we both reached for more tissues.
“When we brought Stephanie and Josh here, we truly believed we were doing what was best for you and Mark,” Em said.
“I know. I’m glad you brought them here. If you hadn’t, I never would’ve gotten to know Josh.” I mopped up more tears. “I don’t know what’s going to happen with us, but I wouldn’t give up the past six months for anything.”
Em’s forehead creased with concern. “He’s been asking about you. If I’d talked to you.”
My heart swelled. “Has he said anything else?”
“I asked him why he hadn’t talked to you himself. He said he needs to let you heal because right now when you look at him all you see is what you lost.”
I lowered my eyes. “When he looks at me, I think he feels guilty about making the team. That’s why it’s best we do our own thing for now.”
“Are you staying in Boston a while longer?”
“I think so. I don’t really have a reason to be here. Ronnie had already let me take off the whole month of February in case—” I cleared the pain in my throat. “I can spend the time off doing my college applications.”
Em chewed on her lip as she stared at me. “I have an idea for another way you can spend the time. I’ve been thinking about it the past few days. You’re probably going to think I’m crazy for suggesting it, but I want you to hear me out.”
I lifted both eyebrows. “I’m a little scared.”
She hesitated, making me even more curious. “I think you should come to Vancouver with me.”
“What?” My mouth hung open.
“Let me explain.” She touched my arm. “Stephanie and Josh can only have one coach in the Village, so Sergei is staying with them. I’m renting a condo downtown, and I have an extra bedroom since Liza was going to go with me and the kids if she didn’t make the team. I also have her ticket to the Opening and Closing Ceremonies, all the skating events, and more. And Aunt Deb is going too, so I’m not just asking you to go so I’ll have a babysitter.”
She smiled, and I slowly closed my jaw. She was asking me to go to the place where I’d expected to have the best time of my life. But I’d be there as an outsider, not the honored guest I’d hoped to be.
“Em, I’ve just gotten to the point where I can say the word Olympics without breaking down.”
“I know. You’re thinking, ‘Why would I want to do this?’ But even though you can’t compete there, I want you to experience the rest of it. I think you’d have an amazing time. My family says the best trips of their lives were the ones they took to the Olympics and not just because they watched me compete. They loved the magic of everything about it.”
A trip to the Olympics? Could I really handle that? What if I got there and all the reminders of my failure sent me spiraling into depression?
On the other hand, how many opportunities would I get like this in my lifetime? The Olympics were something I’d always wanted to experience. This would just be a little different from how I’d dreamt it. I’d also be able to support Liza and make up for bailing on her at nationals.
“And don’t worry about the plane ticket,” Em said. “I’ll take care of it.”
“I couldn’t let you—”
“You’re not fighting me on thi
s. I’m inviting you as my guest, so I’m taking care of it.”
I let out a long puff of air. “This is such a generous invitation.”
“You can think about it. Just not too long because we leave in two weeks.” She smiled bigger.
An alarming thought occurred to me. “Would we be traveling with Sergei and…”
“No, they’re leaving a few days earlier.”
I breathed easier. “If I go, I don’t want Josh to know I’m there. He doesn’t need me messing with his head before he competes.”
“Of course. Whatever you want.” Em’s big blue eyes widened with hope. “So you’re leaning towards going?”
I folded my tissue into a square and then opened it and refolded it. How could I say no to this incredible opportunity Em was offering me? This might be the closure I needed.
“I really want to be there for Liza since I wasn’t in Spokane,” I said. “And I feel like I’ll have a lot of regret later if I pass this up.”
“Yes!” Em swallowed me in a hug.
“I can’t believe after everything that happened I’m still going to Vancouver.”
“I know it won’t be the same as being an athlete there, but I promise just being there will be so much fun. We’re going to have such an awesome time.”
She squeezed me tighter, and I rested my chin on her shoulder. Mark and I were good again, and all was right between Em and me. That left only one relationship to fix. It just happened to be the most complicated one of all.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I hadn’t broken down yet.
We’d been in Vancouver two days, and I couldn’t take two steps without seeing the Olympic rings, but I’d been okay. I’d actually been really excited. The whole city teemed with an energy of celebration. There were so many people from all over the world on the streets, wearing their country’s colors and proudly waving flags. It was impossible not to be happy in the party atmosphere.
But I was about to face my biggest emotional test so far.
Em and I sat in BC Place with over sixty thousand other people, watching the Opening Ceremony. The twins were back at the condo since Em didn’t think they could sit through the four-hour event. We’d enjoyed thirty minutes of opening fanfare, and now the moment had arrived.
The Parade of Nations.
This was the moment I’d dreamt of so many times. Marching into the packed stadium with my fellow athletes, decked out in red, white, and blue. Representing the U.S. on the biggest stage of the sports world. It was the experience every Olympian remembered and talked about years later.
The first country, Greece, entered the building to raucous cheers, and I felt the familiar tightening in my chest. I breathed deeply and blinked back tears. I was not going to let this get to me anymore.
Em rubbed my shoulder. “You okay?”
I smiled and nodded wordlessly. As each nation’s delegates paraded around the floor of the stadium, Em got me to critique the uniforms with her, and I found myself relaxing and enjoying the pageantry of it all. The obvious excitement of the athletes was contagious.
With the end of the alphabet nearing, my relaxation ended and my pulse quickened. The U.S. delegation would be coming through the large tunnel soon, and with the aid of my binoculars, I was going to see Josh for the first time in four weeks. It felt like it had been four years.
The blue-and-yellow-clad contingent from Ukraine marched in, and I inched closer to the edge of my seat. My eyes were glued to the tunnel opening, waiting for the first glimpse of the American flag.
“Sergei texted me that they’re in the middle of the group on the right side,” Em said as she adjusted her pair of binoculars.
We were sitting at the top of the first level of seats, so we had a good view of the floor. Out of the darkness of the tunnel the stars and stripes appeared, and a huge roar went up from the crowd. Behind the flag bearer a throng of athletes dressed in navy jackets, white pants, and patriotic knit hats entered the arena.
I wasn’t thinking anymore about how I wanted to be out there with all the other athletes. My heart was racing too much from the anticipation of seeing Josh. I peered through my binoculars, trying to find him among the hundreds of uniformed bodies.
“I see Liza!” Em cried.
“Where?”
“There’s Sergei! And Josh next to him!”
“Where?” I sounded panicky. “I don’t see them.”
“Liza’s in front of Sergei, holding up her phone. Look for the purple case.”
My eyes darted over the sea of navy jackets until a spot of purple jumped out at me. I swung the binoculars behind Liza and found the face I’d longed to see. To touch. To kiss. When I looked at Josh, I didn’t see what I had lost. I saw everything I’d won from knowing him. The tears welling in my throat weren’t from pain this time. They were from happiness.
Josh’s smile beamed so bright I could see the sparkle in his eyes from a football field away. He had his camera in one hand taking video and his phone in the other taking photos. He looked completely awestruck. I felt myself grinning along with him and becoming antsier that I couldn’t run down and be with him.
“Did you find him?” Em asked.
“Uh-huh,” I said, never taking my eyes off his gorgeous face.
Em’s phone buzzed in her lap, and she laughed while reading the text. As Sergei walked beside Josh, he blew a kiss in our direction.
“I told him where we were sitting,” Em said.
Both Sergei and Josh looked up at our section, and I slunk down behind the man in front of me. I didn’t think Josh would be able to see me crammed between so many people, but just in case…
Sergei said something to Josh, and Josh stared down at his phone, his smile fading. What was he thinking about? Was he thinking about me?
Stephanie grabbed his arm and held her camera up to take a photo of the two of them. Josh’s smile reappeared and stayed on his lips for the remainder of the team’s march. I followed him with my binoculars into the seats, and he sat between Stephanie and Sergei, still looking all around with wonder.
I finally tore my eyes away from him when the parade ended and a couple of Canadian pop singers took the stage. A host of musical acts, dancers, and acrobats followed, each one outdoing the other in the spectacular production. One of the acrobats was a young boy who performed to the song “Both Sides Now,” and I immediately got lost in the lyrics. Listening to them made me realize I’d been looking at everything from only one side. I’d been so focused on what I would be missing when Josh moved away that I hadn’t thought about what I would still have.
I couldn’t give up our incredible connection because I was scared of the future. Even if Josh was thousands of miles away and I couldn’t reach out and touch him, I would still be able to feel him in my heart. And that was enough. Because unlike the lyrics of the song, I did know what love was all about. For a while I hadn’t been so sure, but being apart from Josh had helped me understand. My love for him was greater than any physical distance between us.
Now I just had to tell him.
****
“I see Josh!” Quinn pointed to the ice.
I saw him, too. There were seven other skaters on the ice, but they could’ve been aliens for all I knew. Josh was the only person who mattered. He looked amazing in his fitted gray shirt and pants, and I had to check my chin for drool.
Josh and Stephanie glided away from Sergei at the boards and wove between the three other pairs in their warm-up group. They’d skated a clean short program the previous night and were in seventh place. With the number of great teams competing, that was an awesome accomplishment. Em had been all smiles when they’d received their scores.
“Daddy!” Alex yelled toward the boards and tried to stand on Em’s lap.
The ladies in front of us gave us annoyed looks, and Em held Alex down. “Daddy’s working, Sweetie. We’ll see him in a little while.”
I leaned forward and observed closely as Stephanie and J
osh warmed up their jumps. Each one was clean and crisp. Josh held all the landings with beautiful strength before moving on to the next element.
I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed seeing him on skates. I could watch him do simple crossovers all day long. He appeared focused and confident, and I turned all gooey inside when he gave Sergei a smile. It wouldn’t be much longer before I could get close to that smile. I knew Josh would have a bunch of press obligations that night, so my plan was to call him the next day and ask to meet. I grinned to myself as I thought of the text he’d sent me after our first kiss — Is it tomorrow yet?
Stephanie and Josh were first in the group to skate, and I kept my eyes on them throughout the entire program, unlike when they’d skated at nationals. They interpreted the ballet music with wonderful grace and fluidity, and they mixed in strong technical elements. I understood how the judges had given them high scores in Spokane.
They deserved to be on the Olympic team. But I hadn’t told Josh that or even congratulated him. I had to do that as soon as I saw him. I had to tell him how proud I was of him.
After Stephanie and Josh received their scores, Em left with the kids to see Sergei, and I stayed to watch the rest of the event. When I got back to the condo later, they hadn’t returned, so I went out on the balcony. The weather in the city had been almost spring-like during the day, and the night air was chilly but pleasant. I loved sitting on the balcony because I could hear the sounds of the people partying on the streets below, even twenty-two floors up. I could also see the Olympic Village lit up right across False Creek. Every day I looked over there and wondered what Josh was doing. I hoped he was having the time of his life.
The front door opened, and Em and Sergei came in carrying the sleeping twins. I went inside and shut the sliding glass door.
“Are you staying here tonight?” I asked Sergei.
“Yeah, I miss tucking in these two.” He patted Quinn’s back.
Em shifted Alex in her arms and walked toward the master bedroom. “Court, can you set the DVR for the TODAY Show? Stephanie and Josh are skating on it tomorrow.”
Crossing the Ice Page 26