by Joy Eileen
“Slick,” Kill said, coming up and pulling me toward him.
The smell of the bar and Claudette’s cheap perfume clung to his shirt. Bile seared my throat as it pushed its way upward. I pushed off Kill just in time to turn and vomit on the dirt parking lot. Kill’s large hand rubbed up and down my spine.
“I’m sorry, Slick. I didn’t want to tell you she was contacting me. I thought if I paid her what she wanted, she would leave us alone, and you wouldn’t even know she tried to contact you.”
His voice was filled with torment. I didn’t have time to console him as another rush of bile spewed out of me. My hands were planted on my knees to keep from falling. A bottle of water appeared in front of my face. I took a large gulp and swished it around before spitting it out. I took a small sip to make sure it wasn’t coming back up.
“I’m sorry,” Kill said again when I stood up and faced him.
“I understand,” I told him, not really sure what I wanted to say from there.
“Kill, we’ll meet you at home,” Jet said, putting his hand on Kill’s shoulder.
Kill’s eyes were full of pain and my heart hurt for him. I also needed some time to process everything. Out of all the scenarios, Kill meeting my mom never crossed my mind. The serenity I’d felt walking away from my mom wasn’t as strong as I had thought it was.
“I love you,” Kill said, bending to kiss me.
I turned my head and his lips landed on my cheek. A swish of water was not sufficient enough for me to feel confident in kissing him. I put my hand over my mouth when I saw the hurt burst over his face.
“I love you too. Yes, we need to talk, but we’re fine. I’m not kissing you after I just puked, though.”
Kill hit me with his panty melting smile that made my already weak knees almost give out.
“Come on, Faith.” Jet grabbed my hand and led me away from Kill. “I’ll get her back to you in one piece,” Jet said over his shoulder.
“I love you,” Kill yelled at my back.
“I know you do,” Jet shot back, making me giggle. Leave it to Jet to always know how to cut the tension in the room.
When we climbed into our borrowed vehicle, Jet turned the heater on, helping my muscles relax and my teeth stop chattering. “Where are we going?” I asked when I noticed he was going the opposite way toward home.
“I think it’s time to tell you how Kill became my best friend,” Jet answered.
When I gave him a puzzled look, he just smiled and continued to drive.
“But first we need milkshakes.”
Chapter 13
The chocolate malt cooled my raw throat when it slid past the lump residing there since seeing Kill sitting with my mother. While Jet ordered, I ran in and brushed my teeth with the toothbrush stashed in my purse. Instead of driving home, Jet turned toward me when we got back in the van.
It was one of the few times he was without the mischievous gleam he always wore. He took a big sip of his milkshake and pinched the bridge of his nose. His eyes went cross. I snorted, watching him suffer through his brain freeze.
“Are you going to make it?” I asked when his eyes went back to normal.
“Fuck those things hurt,” he said, taking another sip. “But fuck, they’re worth it. One t not two t's on the but fuck.”
I shook my head at his perverted statement and burrowed further into my hoodie. “Always with the nasty comeback.”
He sobered and asked, “Have you ever wondered why I act the way I do?” He continued to chug away on his milkshake.
My mind went back to the moment I met Jet, all the way to the present. His tactless humor and inappropriate behavior was something I’d just come to accept. I’d never really thought of the reason why he always went for the unacceptable sexual response. With a hard tug at my straw, I hoped the coolness would relieve the heat radiating off my cheeks. Embarrassed, I never delved into the reason Jet was the way he was. Facing him now, the question hanging in the air made me feel small.
“Honestly, I never thought about it. You were always so full of life and didn’t care what people thought of you or the things you said. I guess I just took it at face value.”
“Did Kill ever tell you about my parents?” Jet asked after he sucked on his straw. It made a hollow sound, notifying him it was empty.
“Kind of,” I said, putting my almost empty shake in the cupholder so I could give him my full attention.
“I’m sure you know my mom wanted to abort me when she found out she was pregnant. Her mom, Grandma B, paid her to go full term and leave me in her custody.”
I nodded, already having heard this part of Jet’s story.
“So you know most of those gory details.”
“Sometimes we’re dealt a shitty hand when it comes to parents. Hell, you’ve just met my mom, and I’m sure you can tell she’s no peach.”
“She’s not your mom. You know that, right?”
“I do. Tonight solidified a lot of things I’d already figured out. Martha’s my mom. She might have come into my life later, but she’s already shown me more love and acceptance than the woman we left at that bar had in all the years we were together.”
Jet nodded and smiled. “You’re a smart girl, Faithy. I’m glad you realized Martha’s your true mom. I’m also glad I didn’t have to convince you Kill wasn’t cheating on you. It made my night so much easier.”
My laugh bounced off the van’s interior. I stopped when Jet’s eyes held on to mine, showing me he was serious.
“It took me a long time to accept the fact that Grandma B was the mom I was meant to have. When I was little, I would imagine my mom coming back to me in a thousand different scenarios. Always begging for my forgiveness. She would raise me, and we would be happy together.”
Coldness crept up my spine. What Jet described was the same thing I would do after my mom took off.
“You understand, don’t you?” Jet read my face, a look of relief taking over him.
“I used to do the same thing. It wasn’t because my dad was bad. You know him. He was a better single parent than some of the kids who had both parents combined. I just felt I was missing something by not having my mom. I didn’t want to hurt my dad. So I would always keep the longing for my mom a secret.”
Jet nodded, and I knew he understood. “But you did things in your life hoping she would come back?”
It felt like he slugged me in the stomach. Only one person knew my deepest worries and pain about my mom, and he was probably sitting at home, anxious for Jet to return me to him. But there was something on Jet’s face, letting me know he might understand even more than Kill.
“I did. Secretly hoping my mom would come back was a huge motivator for getting the grades I got. I never caused trouble either.”
“But you also did those things because you didn’t want your dad to leave you like she did.”
Hot, salty tears built up and poured down my face. Jet was saying things I’d just started to accept. The fact that he was able to read me so well showed just how alike we were. Brushing the tears off my face, I nodded in agreement. Although I was sure the tears were enough for him to know he was on target.
“Well, for the longest time I was exactly like you. Even after I forced myself to let go of the fantasy of my mom swooping into my life, I still did really well in school and didn’t party just in case Grandma B got sick of me. But after I acknowledged my life wasn’t going to miraculously fix itself, I did rebel. Just a little.”
My gaze went to his arms where tatted boobs graced the skin galore. As weird as it seemed I had a new appreciation for the women embedded on his arms.
Jet caught my gaze and flexed his arms, making the women jiggle. “Yes, the tattoos were a part of it. I also formed a defense mechanism.”
“The inappropriate words and actions,” I stated.
“Exactly. People are cruel. People who are supposed to stick by you and love you unconditionally, leave you. And after I figured that out, I decide
d I wasn’t going to waste my time on anyone who wasn’t going to stick around. So I say dirty things and act out in public, but you know what?”
“What?”
“The ones who see me, the people who understand, if you stick with me, I’ll never let you down. Just overlook what I say and do, and love me for who I am, and I’ll be there for you. I don’t need the fantasy of my mom riding in on a white horse apologizing. No, I need the ones who never left in the first place.”
“I’m glad I looked past your crude words,” I told him, still fighting with the lump in my throat.
“I am too. Believe me, you wouldn’t have lasted with Kill if you didn’t. I would have made your life hell. Kill wouldn’t be with anyone I didn’t approve of anyway. We’ve been through too much to let a girl ruin it for us.”
“I’m not going to abandon you, Jet. And neither is the rest of the band, or Amy.” I confirmed what I figured he already knew.
“I mean, look at all this sexiness. I’m practically a god. If I didn’t have some crazy hang-up because of my abandonment issues and projected them in some crude sexual conduct, I would be too perfect for this earth.”
Giving him the laugh I knew he was going for, he grinned at me. The puzzle of Jet had almost come into focus. My mind hit on all the times things were getting too sentimental, or too tense. Each of those times, Jet was right there with the most offensive comment or gesture. It was his way of making sure the people he loved were good. When he made us laugh, it must have been his security that everything was going to turn out okay.
“You know how I figured this all out?” Jet’s question pulled me out of my analysis.
“How?” I was intrigued at the way Jet saw life.
“I found my dad.”
My eyes grew wide and my mouth hung open with his revelation. Kill told me the story of Jet’s childhood. I was forever in debt to Grandma B. A woman I would never meet, but grateful none the less because of the way she treated and adored Jet and the rest of the boys. Jet’s father never crossed my mind when Kill told me stories of Jet and Grandma B.
“I take it from your deer in headlights look, you don’t know this part of my story.”
“Kill never mentioned your father. He always told me happy stories of you and the rest of the band being doted on by Grandma B.” My voice was just above a whisper. Even though we were alone in an empty parking lot, it felt wrong to talk at full volume with everything being confessed in its confines.
“And that’s the reason Kill’s my best friend. I asked him not to tell anyone about finding my dad, and he didn't. Not that I worried he would break his word.”
I couldn’t resist the small smile curving my lips. Kill really was loyal to a fault. He begged me for my trust. When I relented and gave it to him, I was positive my heart was in safe hands.
As much as I wanted to be furious with Kill for going behind my back and meeting with my deadbeat mother, I knew if I took the time and pushed my feelings aside, putting myself in his shoes, I’d always come to the conclusion he was only doing it to protect me.
“He’s the best guy I know,” Jet said, verifying my thoughts. “After Grandma B died.” Jet cleared his throat, but he couldn’t hide the tears shimmering in his eyes. He blinked them away and started again.
“When Grandma B died, Kill helped me pack up her house. Van was too much of a wreck, worrying over what kind of voodoo mind-washing his parents were doing on D to be any real help. I waited to pack up Grandma B’s room last. Deep down, I knew that once her room was bare she really would be gone.” Jet swiped at his eyes.
I handed him a napkin, and he gave me a tight-lipped smile as he mopped up his wet cheeks.
“It felt sacrilegious going through all of her personal belongings. When I was a kid, I would sleep in Grandma B’s bed. A lot of my greatest memories were in her room. She would knit in her recliner by the window, and I’d do my homework while some game show played on her TV. It’s funny how much time I spent in her room and never realized what she had hidden in there.
“When Kill and I were cleaning out her closet, I found an old box stuffed in the back corner. As soon as my fingers touched it, I knew something important was contained in it.
“My world came crashing down on me for the second time since her death when I opened it. The pain of losing Grandma B was unbearable. The box’s contents just intensified the pain. Hell, the first few days I didn’t even know how to breathe, let alone live without her in the world. This felt like all the oxygen had been removed.”
My hand reached for his. Seeing Jet so emotional was gut-wrenching. His tears and the events that had happened not even an hour ago had my whole system going haywire.
“Holding the evidence that Grandma B—the woman who raised me, the woman who meant the world to me—had kept something like knowing where my father was felt like I was being stabbed from beyond the grave.”
“You have to know she was doing it to protect you,” I told him, needing to defend her actions.
“Kind of the way Kill kept his meeting with your mom from you?” Jet came back with humor lighting up his face.
“Touché.”
“Yes, I understand she did it for a good reason. There were dozens of newspaper articles on my dad and his trials. It appeared good ole daddy dearest Jetson Stone was a thief. He’d been sentenced to a prison not too far from where I lived. Kill asked me if I wanted to go meet him. I blew the question off. I pretended I didn’t care. That was the first and last time I lied to Kill.”
“What happened?”
“I snuck off to go meet him. I wanted to see if maybe I should have been pining for my dad instead of my mom during my childhood. Fuck, I was surprised when I saw Kill’s Mustang parked in the visitor’s lot. He climbed into my truck and sat next to me, while I cried like a baby on my steering wheel.
“Everything compiled on me at that moment. It felt like I was being crushed by the events around me. Kill sat next to me, his hand on my shoulder, until I cried all the tears I had in my body, then he asked me if I wanted him to come with me.
“He didn’t accuse me of lying to him, or trying to be macho and doing things by myself. It was in that moment I figured it all out. Grandma B ensured Kill and I were friends. She knew we would need each other and we were real family. Van and D were just added bonuses.
“I realized there was nothing my father could have said to me that would validate me more than Kill waiting for me at the ass crack of dawn in a prison parking lot.
“That was when I made a pact with myself not to let anyone in my life who wasn’t worth the hassle. Believe me, Faith. Once you take a good look at the people around you and how much they love you, none of the others are worth the energy. Besides, we have the coolest parents any kid could ask for, and because you brought mom and dad into our life, I will always be grateful.”
The lump that had been lodged in my throat grew even bigger. It took me multiple tries to swallow it down where I was able to talk.
Jet had once again rendered me speechless. This time it had nothing to do with his dirty words or actions. This was the true Jet. I understood by him letting me into his past he was cementing me in his future.
“We do have awesome parents, don’t we?” I joked, still having trouble talking.
Jet smiled and winked. With our empty cups, he jumped out of the van to throw them away. When he got back in, I had a better grasp on my emotions.
“I love you and your nasty ways,” I told him, figuring he would appreciate my words.
“I love you too. Now let’s get you home before Kill sends out a search party. Not many men would be confident enough to let their girls be alone with a sex god for as long as he has.”
I laughed, true understanding of Jet wiggling its way into my heart. Quietness blanketed the car while he drove home. When the headlights cut across the front porch, my heart stuttered. Kill sat on the top step, elbows on his knees and his hands pushed into his hair.
“P
oor guy. The stress of wondering if you cheated on him was too much.”
I punched Jet in the shoulder, making him laugh. We walked together toward Kill and the front steps.
“Don’t worry, her virtue was safe with me. There’s only one woman for this sex god.” Jet ruffled the back of Kill’s hair before walking into the house, leaving us alone surrounded by the night sky.
“Slick, it was a stupid thing to do.”
“It was, Killer. But I understand why you did it.”
Kill’s fingers released their hold of his dark hair. He peered up at me. In the night, it was hard to tell if his eyes were borderline blue or green. The love and hope in them would have been evident even if it were pitch-black.
My body desired his touch. Seeing my mom and hearing Jet’s story cracked my soul. Kill was the best sealant for my wayward thoughts. Kill sat up straight when I went to him. Taking full advantage of his position, I straddled him, pushing myself in his lap.
Our foreheads touched and in that moment nobody else existed. “No more secrets,” I scolded, closing my eyes and inhaling his tangy scent. “We aren’t good at secrets. Trent’s notes, Jason’s dad’s involvement in your tour, my mother,” I named off a few.
Kill chuckled and the sound helped heal the wounds of tonight. “You’re right. We aren’t good at secrets. No more. I promise.”
“I love you, Killer.”
“I love you more.”
Something crinkled in between us, and I remembered the money I’d taken from my mom. The envelope was stuffed to the brim and my nerves jumped when I pulled it out.
“How much did she ask for?”
“Not enough. She didn’t realize I would pay all the money in the world to keep you happy and safe.”
Bile rose up, but I pushed it down. The idea of my mother bribing Kill and him going along with it just to keep me safe made me sick. “What was she using against you?”