by Scott, Shae
"I'm good," I finally manage.
"You still look a little drunk," he says.
"Not so much," I say. But what I think is, I feel drunk on you. Again, feelings I'm not allowed to have. And definitely not words I'm allowed to say. Maybe I'm not even meant to have this night. This happiness. There is still the whisper that says it's wrong. To smile. To laugh. To feel this desire that's threatening to go from a slow smolder to a roaring flame in a matter of seconds. I'm pretty sure the touch of his hand on my skin again would ignite it in an instant.
I wonder if he can read my thoughts, if he can keep up with the back and forth. Honestly, it's making me a little dizzy.
"Hey, Cole," I say, swallowing down the knot that has lodged itself in my throat.
"Yeah?" he asks. He's so close to me that I have to look up to see his face.
"Just so you know, you actually are sexy." I meant it as a joke, something to ease the sudden intensity that had fallen between us, but from the way his eyes flare I know it had the opposite reaction.
I can feel the counter at my back. There is nowhere left for me to go. He steps forward, his hand bracing against the counter behind me, caging me in. I feel my breath quicken at his proximity. I can't help but inhale his woodsy scent, the one that makes me want to do my part to close the space between us even further.
Cole's gaze holds my own. Serious, yet hesitant. He's holding back and I feel the back and forth of his will as he contemplates breaking all the imaginary rules between us. Part of me wants him to lose the battle, to push forward and kiss me without worrying about what it will mean for us, without worrying about how I'll react. Because even though I know it's not a good idea, there is a part of me that craves him. Craves the feel of his lips against my own, the grip of his strong hands around my waist. I swallow hard, needing more than I want to admit. Wanting more than I should.
"I should probably go. It's getting late," he says. But he makes no move to leave. Instead we stand, inches between us and filled with a million uncertainties.
"Okay," I agree. I watch as his eyes close. He takes a deep breath, slow and steady and when he opens his eyes again I nearly come undone. There is a fire there that matches the one in my belly.
"I'm trying really hard to be a gentleman right now," he says softly. I don't respond because I'm sure if I open my mouth it will be to tell him that I don't want him to be a gentleman. And I do. I need him to be smart for both of us. I need him to keep me from making a mistake. Not that I think he's a mistake, but our timing is way off and we both know that.
"You understand what I'm saying, don't you?" he asks, still so close that it would only take a fraction of a movement to press my lips against his. I'm a breath away from giving in to the desire that courses through my blood. It's been so long since I've felt any kind of affection that I can't help but react to his proximity. The fact that it's Cole and I remember everything he could do to my body makes it even harder to resist him.
I nod and swallow hard, waiting to see what he will do. Waiting to see which side will win. I'm sure that if he chooses to push me, chooses to give in, I will follow.
Maybe he sees it in my eyes, because he slowly pulls back. The air between us suddenly feels cooler, the distance taking away some of the fire. I use the opportunity to take in a deep breath and steady myself. He holds my gaze with his stare and I can't help the butterflies that dance in my stomach as I watch the indecision flash across his face.
"I'm going to go," he says again and this time I can tell that he has decided to do just that. He steps forward to hug me as he always does, but then stops short. With a shake of his head he turns and moves towards the door. "I can't touch you right now. If I do, I won't stop," he explains. I stare after him with my mouth hanging open, shocked by his honest words. Shocked that he said them out loud. He turns back once he’s at the back door and says, “I’ll see you tomorrow, James. Drink some more water.”
And then he leaves. He’s gone so quickly that I start to wonder if I imagined the last five minutes. I sag against the counter and try and make sense of everything. The rush of tangled emotions: guilt, desire, hope. I can't put my finger on it. I only know that Cole is changing me. He's changing everything and can't decide if I'm ready.
Cole
I HAVE NEVER WANTED to kiss anyone as much as I want to kiss Emery James. My entire body vibrates with the need to claim her mouth and taste the sweetness of her lips. I want to pull her to me, my hands in her mess of chocolate waves and devour her until we both struggle to come up for air. It's crazy the way my body aches for her. It's as if it not only remembers, but knows that to have her now would be so much sweeter than before.
The temptation is too great and I feel my restraint failing me. I'm trying to be the good guy here. I know she needs time and I need to give her space. I like her way too much to ruin things with her by pushing her too fast, but spending so much time with her leaves me needing her.
Tonight only reminded me of how good we are together. Back then and now. Even with the shit storm she's been through she’s still the most amazing woman I’ve known. Each little thing that brings her a step outside of her shell is like a gift. She's wrapping herself around every part of my life again and doesn't even realize it.
We are failing at casual and we both know it. It's hard to be the good guy, when I only want to be selfish and take everything I want. But I know that with her there can be no take. Take was how he treated her. I won't take anything. Not without permission. I want her to give herself to me. I want her to fall into us because it's where she chooses to be. And when she does I don't want her to question anything.
That's why I had to walk away tonight. Even though her eyes were begging me to stay, to take what I wanted. It would have been so easy. I wanted to. Shit, did I want to. But we’re more than that. I won't rush this and ruin it. Not when I just got her back.
I don't sleep. I stare up at the ceiling and think about Emery. Her smile, her eyes, the way she laughed tonight. Everything about her. I spend the entire night studying each detail, filing them away so that I never lose a single piece.
Even with the past six years between us and all that has happened in that time, it still feels easy with her. We still fit. I can't help but think that it was all meant to happen just like this. The time apart, the lessons that we learned. as tough as it all is, maybe it had to happen to give us this real shot.
I wonder if she's staring up at her ceiling the way that I am. The thought makes me chuckle because as tipsy as she was, I'm pretty sure she passed straight out. It's okay, because she let go enough to do it and that seems like a victory.
Emery
COLE BENNETT HAS GIVEN me my smile back and it feels good. It feels good to smile. It feels good to laugh. And even though the ease that I feel around him makes me feel guilty, it is the thing that gives me hope. There is a guilt that comes with healing and I'm learning that it's one of the hardest obstacles in the process.
Still, I hold on to the glimpses of happiness that I have because of that hope. Hope is fragile and I've been without it, so I know how precious it is. Sometimes it's the only light to lead you through the darkness. I'm not willing to let go of it or talk myself out of it anymore. Just that, that one step forward, is huge for me. Letting it in at all feels like I've climbed a mountain.
It's more than that though, it's not just the hope that I feel, but the strength that is slowly coming back. It comes with a new self-awareness that I'm slowly navigating.
There are lots of reasons that I've stayed away for so long. It wasn't all about Gabe. I stopped coming home before he came into my life. I left home because I was running from pain. I thought denial was the way to work through it all. If you deny the truth and intensity of your emotions, you can get through anything. . .for a while.
It wasn't until Gabe died and upset my delicate balance that the truth came crashing back. It became the catalyst to everything that's happening now. And the strange part is that
so much of what I'm sorting through has absolutely nothing to do with Gabe. The things that are haunting my thoughts don’t come from the pain of losing my husband, but everything that I ran from. Everything from my mother’s death, to losing Nana, my guilt about leaving my dad behind when he needed me and even Cole.
I can see now that I ran to Gabe because he made it easy to leave all of the other stuff behind. He was supposed to be my escape. But you can't escape. It always finds you and my hasty marriage to Gabe only gave me more pain to hide from.
I don't know that I even knew him. I just wanted to believe that he was the answer. One more solution to help me run and hide. Maybe that's why I never left him when things went so bad between us. Maybe we all get tired of running eventually.
I can recognize the pattern and I feel this clawing need to set it all right I just haven’t figured out how to do it. I seriously have no idea what I'm doing. There are times when just the thought sends me into a near panic. Knowing where you need to go, but not knowing how to get there is scary shit. And well, I run from scary. I run far and I run fast. At least I used to. I'm determined not to do that anymore. This time I'm digging my heels in and facing whatever storm comes my way. And I think that maybe Dad and Cole will hold me steady as I do.
I'm counting on it.
Because I've realized something else along the way. . .you can't do it alone.
AFTER FOUR PHONE CALLS I finally agree to meet Annie and the girls for lunch. It will be good to catch up, I just hope they don't ask me too many questions about Gabe. I'm not ready to answer them. At least not with these girls. They'll dig too deep and see through my standard bullshit answers. Maybe if I just ask them all a lot of questions I can deflect any questions about me. That's my plan.
Just from my few conversations with Annie I already know a little bit about my friends and what they have been doing since I left. Annie owns a coffee shop. It’s kind of perfect really. She's always been a social butterfly; so why wouldn't she open a place that would become home to all of the town's gossip?
Kelsey works as a photographer. She works for a place in the city, but wants to start her own thing soon. Kelsey has always been the quiet one. Introspective. She observes everything. No detail gets by her and I won't lie, that fact makes me a little nervous going into this lunch.
Jessica, is a nurse now and works crazy hours so getting her to a lunch is pretty monumental. She also just married a boy we all went to school with and has that honeymoon glow about her.
It's weird to see everyone grown up. Sometimes, even though you are getting older, your memory freezes everyone from your past and you can't imagine them any different than they were when you last saw them. That's kind of how it feels as I walk up to the cafe where I'm supposed to meet the girls. Like I'm stepping back in time and I'm the only one with these new years under my belt. But as I walk towards the table where they wait for me I can see the changes in each of them. Like me, they aren't the high school versions of themselves.
"Emery!" Annie jumps up to hug me as the other girls give me big bright smiles.
"Hi, sorry I'm late. I never seem to make it anywhere on time these days," I explain. I don't admit that I'm late because I sat in the parking lot trying to psyche myself up for a good five minutes before I came inside.
"I'm so glad you're here. It's just like old times," Annie says as she bounces back in her seat. I'd forgotten how much energy she has.
"I love your jacket," Kelsey smiles.
"Thanks," I say. Geesh, I'm so nervous. I have no idea what to say to any of these girls. They've remained close over all of these years and I'm sitting on the outside. At least it feels that way.
The waiter shows up as I take my seat and I order a water and start glancing at the menu. My stomach feels completely knotted up so the idea of eating makes me feel a little sick. But I’m determined to sit here and smile and talk to these girls until it doesn't feel so foreign to me.
"What's good here?" I ask since they all still have their menus closed. I assume that means they've already decided, or know it by heart.
"Everything is pretty good. They have great wraps and salads. And they also have the best cheesecake around," Annie says, her eyes rolling back with the mention of the dessert. I laugh nervously.
"I always get one of the paninis," Kelsey says quietly. Her eyes are so kind and I can tell she knows I'm nervous.
"Thanks," I say, giving her a grateful smile. She nods letting me know she's on my side.
I'm still glancing at the menu when the waiter returns with my water and asks if we are ready to order. Three sets of eyes look at me questioningly. I nod, even though I've barely read anything on the menu. The other girls order first so I randomly pick one of the salads from the first page.
Once we're alone again Annie starts in on some gossip she heard that morning about a girl we'd gone to school with. Apparently Sandy is pregnant with twins. Everybody oohs and ahhs and I'm thankful for the chatter. It lets me calm down a little, sip my water and study my friends a little more. It's the same sensation I had with Cole. They are so much the same, yet so different. I can't help but wonder what they see when they look at me. Do they see any part of the old Emery? Or is she gone completely? If you'd asked me a few weeks ago there would have been no doubt in my answer. Emery James was gone. Now, I think I'm starting to see glimpses of her.
I avoid questions until our food arrives, but they were inevitable. "So, you've been hanging out with Cole a lot since you've been back. How's that been?" Annie asks. I tense, not sure how to answer. I don't want people to think I'm trying to replace my husband so soon after his death, but at the same time I don't want to belittle what Cole has done for me. I think on my answer for a moment, sipping my water to buy some time.
“He's been helping me a lot with stuff around the house and he keeps me company. He's been really good to me."
The three girls nod in agreement. They know Cole. They know what kind of guy he is. They also know that we were once madly in love. I hope they leave that part of our history alone.
"I'm glad you two are getting along. Exes can be awkward sometimes," Kelsey says. Jessica pats her on the arm sympathetically and I wonder if Kelsey has been through a bad break up recently. I don't ask.
"Cole and I left things on good terms. There is no bad blood there. It's been nice getting to know him again," I admit.
"Any old sparks?" Jessica asks. I bite my lip nervously. The honest answer to that question would be, "Yes. Every time he's around me I feel like my body is engulfed in flames."
Instead, I smile and say, "I'm not ready for any of that. Right now I'm just trying to find my new normal." And that’s true too. I'm not ready to move on in terms of a new relationship. I just have to figure out how to tell my body it needs to sit on the bench for a bit.
"I'm really sorry about your husband, Emery. It's such a horrible thing to have to go through. If you ever need to talk or just need a distraction from it, we're here. We're here for you no matter what," Annie says.
"Thank you," I say with a timid smile. I believe her. I know these girls are ready to accept me back into the group with open arms. They won't expect me to spill all of my secrets, but they are willing to keep them if I do. I've missed that. The realization has me feeling more comfortable and as Annie orders us a slice of cheesecake to share I feel like maybe I can find a way to embrace it.
JUST LIKE CLOCKWORK Cole shows up at my door after work. He texted me that he was coming so I made him dinner. "Holy crap, what did you make. It smells like heaven in here." I smile as he walks in with his nose high in the air like a dog.
"Lasagna. I found Nana's recipe and thought I would try it out."
"God bless that woman," he says, turning and giving me a hug and kissing my cheek in greeting. That simple act has my heart racing and my feet feeling a little unsteady. I work to shake it off as he follows me into the kitchen.
"What can I do to help?" he asks. He looks so handsome sitting at my
counter waiting on instructions.
"Wanna toss the salad or something?" I ask. Everything is basically done, but he always likes to help so I typically find something for him to do so that he feels useful.
"Let me at it. I'll be the best tosser you've ever seen," he smiles. I roll my eyes and pull the bowl of salad greens from the fridge. I deliver the bowl and the homemade dressing I made, along with a pair of salad forks and then go to retrieve the pan from the oven so it can cool a little before we slice into it.
"How much of this do I use?" he asks frowning at the bowl.
"I thought you were the best tosser ever," I tease.
"I am. Part of the job as best tosser is making the pretty girl happy. You probably didn't know that part," he says casually. I catch his glance over at me and he winks.
Butterflies.
I help him out by drizzling some of the dressing across the greens and let him finish the rest.
We eat at the table like adults and I tell him about my lunch with the girls. I can tell it makes him happy that I made the effort. He tells me a stories about the job site and the wackiness of the people he deals with. Even though I am helping out at the office now I still rarely see him. He's usually out in the field. So I'm lucky if I see him in the morning when he's getting coffee or paperwork for the day. It makes seeing him in the evening even better. Somehow we've slipped into a routine that feels oddly domestic. Neither one of us has questioned it though. It feels easy and so I don't think about it too much.
Once dinner is done and the dishes are put away we both wander into the living room. Cole moves towards the fireplace where Journey is fast asleep in his kitty bed. I have the fireplace turned on so that I can watch the flames. Since it's gas I can turn the heating element off and just enjoy the ambiance of it. When I first moved here I was annoyed that it had been converted from a wood burning fireplace, but now I find the flames relaxing. Sometimes I'll simply sit in the dark and stare at them for hours, lost in thought or nothingness. Journey loves it too. He sleeps in front of the fireplace for hours.