by Scott, Shae
"It's not that easy," I say softly.
"Sure it is," he counters, his breath warm on my skin.
"I'm still a mess," I admit. He studies me and I feel like he is seeing straight past my words and directly to the unsteady beat of my heart.
"I can be patient," he smiles.
"Why would you want to be?" I ask.
"Why?" My heart thumps erratically at the confused expression that crosses his face and I shrug. "You can't see yourself anymore can you?" he asks quietly.
I don't know what to say. It's the way that he says it, with no judgment. His patience is more than I'm used to. His fingers wrap around a strand of my hair and he twirls it thoughtfully, his gaze still locked on mine, refusing to let me look away.
"I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you what I see, what I've always seen. You don't have to be lost forever, Emery.”
I swallow hard, tears threatening to fill my eyes. I want to believe him. I want to believe that he really does see something in me that I'd long ago let go of.
"I do feel it," I say quietly. I see the smile that tugs at his lips and I swallow down the guilt that threatens at my admission. "I just don't know that I'm ready to feel it yet."
"I meant it when I said I could be patient," he says easily.
"I'm a mess," I say again.
"You're amazing. I'm not going to push you, Emery. I know this is hard. I know this whole thing is confusing and I know that you feel guilty. Moving on feels wrong and I get that. But this is your life, Em. You're still here. Still breathing. There is more to look forward to. That's all I'm saying."
I nod. I know he's right. Logically it all makes sense. It’s just a matter of fitting all of the emotions together so that they make sense. Fitting them together so that I am at peace with them.
"You'll wait for me?" I ask. I almost take it back, because I shouldn't ask him for such a thing.
"I'd wait forever," he says quietly. He leans in and brushes his lips to my cheek once and then up to the skin just below my ear. His warm breath sending goosebumps across my skin. "I'll do anything for you Emery James. I'll be everything you need."
Emery
HE'S GOTTEN IN THIS habit of standing close to me. Of holding my gaze, brushing my skin with his fingers. It's all innocent enough, but it's still too much. It's turning my world sideways and I can't get a handle on any of it. We're supposed to be friends and we keep pushing the boundaries.
Admitting that there was something else beneath the surface, saying it out loud has upset our delicate balance. Not to mention that kiss at the lake. The kiss that still plays in my head during quiet moments, the one that finds its way into my dreams at night. I probably shouldn’t have kissed him. For every hour I spend with him I'm feeling a little less in control of my reactions. I know he knows this, I'm terrible at hiding it. Plus, he knows me better than almost everyone else. Everyone except maybe my dad.
I feel caught between two extremes. The old me vs the new me. Obligation vs anticipation. Loyalty vs freedom. The conversation we had nearly a week ago, the confessions that we made, have changed our dynamic. Shifted our axis and I'm having a hard time grasping it all.
On the one hand, Cole Bennett has become my safe place. My sounding board of sorts. Just having him around has me opening up and I don't even realize I'm doing it until it's over and I feel lighter. But it's becoming so much more than that. He's more than that. He makes me want things I shouldn't want. I catch myself thinking about him and it sends me into a spiral of guilt.
I'm married. I took vows.
I'm a widow.
I shouldn't feel anything other than sadness. Despair. Anger that he's gone. Anything, but what I'm feeling for this man who is taking care of me like I'm one of his most prized possessions.
Only, with Cole, it's not possession. It's genuine and that's the part that grabs every part of my heart and has me questioning everything. It has me wondering if I should pull back. What if I'm allowing myself to depend on him too much or worse, using him to fill some emptiness in me?
He promises to be patient. He says he’ll wait for me until I am ready. I think that scares me most of all. What if he waits and finds that I'm not what he wants.? Or worse, what if he finds out that he does? When he touches me my heart races. When his eyes lock on mine I forget to take a breath. He's being patient, but my heart isn't. It keeps trying to jump right in and I'm starting to think I'm going to follow it.
All of this thinking just confuses me more. How do you settle the war between what you are supposed to do and what you want to do? I wish there was a rulebook on how to navigate this kind of situation. How long do I grieve? Shit, that makes me sound like a horrible person. Like I'm counting down the days until I can let go of my widow title and just be happy again. I guess I am doing just that. And the fact that I am this soon after Gabe's death tells me that we'd faded from each other's lives long before the accident. I was holding on to a ghost long before he died. Maybe my grieving for him, for us, started years ago.
Still, no one else knows that. They'd just see me as some ungrateful harlot. Small towns don't always forgive so easily and I'm not ready to face the firing squad by having them think I'm jumping into Cole Bennett's bed so soon.
No. I need to put some space between us. We're getting too close and the lines are getting too blurry. It's best for us both to take some time in our own separate corners. We see each other every day. It's too much. It's too soon. He'll understand. Hell, he'll probably be relieved not to have to look after me all the time.
I'll have to tell him soon.
As soon as I find my courage.
As soon as the thought of not seeing him every day doesn't make me want to sink to the floor in a defeated slump.
I'm surprised when he walks into the office right before it's time for me to head home for the evening.
"James," he smiles. "I figured you'd be long gone by now."
"I got caught up doing some invoices and lost track of time," I answer, stacking the heap of papers I'd been organizing into files.
"Well, it's a nice surprise," he smiles reaching out to brush a piece of hair from my face. His touch leaves tingles behind and I know that my talk is going to have to come soon.
"How did it go today?" I ask casually. I start gathering my stuff in an effort to distract myself.
"Good. You want to go grab some dinner? We could go see a movie or something. I'll even go see that girlie one you were talking about. You know, the book one."
I shake my head. "That's okay. I'm kind of tired actually. I think I'm just going to go home and veg out with Journey. I think I might be trying to come down with something."
Lies. All lies.
His eyes furrow in concern and his hand moves to touch my forehead, looking for a temperature. I brush him away. "Should you go to the doctor?" he asks.
"I'm fine. Just run down. I'll be fine. I'm gonna head out though. I'll see you tomorrow?" I ask picking up my bag.
Confusion clouds his eyes as he studies me with that intense scrutiny that usually means he's about to call me out on my bullshit. I don't brush him off, so I know he can tell something is up. I just need to get out of here before he starts asking questions. I need to think about what I want to say and I really don't want to say it here.
"Alright," he says cautiously. I step forward and give him a quick hug before scurrying out the door. When I reach my Jeep I glance back and see him at the door watching me curiously. I give him a wave and what I hope comes off as an easy smile and climb in.
I'm an idiot.
How is it that I can be this confused? At least when I was numb I didn't have to worry with this kind of emotional nonsense.
I pull into my driveway and as I grab my bag I see that I have a text from Cole.
What's going on?
I sigh. I knew he wouldn't let it go. I quickly respond.
I don't know what you mean. All is good.
I grab the bag and make my way inside. J
ourney comes scampering to greet me so I set my bag down and pick him up, carrying him to the kitchen to get him some dinner. My phone chimes with another incoming text.
Talk to me.
I decide to ignore it for now. I pour out some kibble for Journey and make my way upstairs to change. I just want to find some comfy clothes and a glass of wine and sit out on the deck and make some sense of all of these conflicting feelings.
It's not like I want Cole to go away completely. I just need to put some space between us until I, one, get a hold of my emotions so that I can be around him without feeling the growing need to do inappropriate things with him or, two, wait the allotted amount of time so that I can explore whatever this is.
I pad down the stairs still lost in the discombobulated jumble that is my head, but I come to an abrupt halt, letting out a surprised squeal when I see the tall, handsome man leaning casually against the wall at the bottom of the stairs. His arms are crossed over his chest as he watches me.
"Cole! You scared the shit out of me." Clutching my hand to my chest I feel the unsteady beat of my heart as it tries to find it's rhythm again.
"You didn't text me back," he says flatly.
Shit. Did he really come all the way over here because I didn't answer his text? No. He came all the way over here because he knows that I'm avoiding him.
"I was going to. I just went up to change." I make my way to the bottom of the stairs, stopping in front of him. With me on the first step I'm nearly eye to eye with him. I watch as he swallows hard. He's not smiling like he usually is. Instead he seems to be deep in thought. Like he's untangling some great mystery. I guess he is. Me. Good luck with that.
"I don't think I believe you," he says, holding my gaze. He's so close to me that I can smell his cologne. He's been outside all day in the heat and he still smells good enough to lick.
This is why I need space. The part of me that wants him is starting to overrule the part of me that needs him.
I cross my arms over my chest and try to meet his stare. Let him be the first one to break. It only takes a moment before he blows out a breath and stands straight so that he's directly in front of me.
"What's going on, James? You ran out of the office today like you couldn't get away from me fast enough. Did I do something?" There is worry in his eyes, a softness to him that makes me want to sink into him. Let him wrap his arms around me and pull me close so that I can let his scent and security wrap around me.
"No. You didn't do anything. I'm sorry. I'm just feeling weird."
"Weird?" I guess that didn't really explain it.
"Confused?" I offer instead. "I just feel like I need to think about everything. Figure it out, " I admit, knowing I'm opening up the bag of worms and that now I'm going to have to jump into this conversation even if I'm not ready for it.
Cole takes my hands into his. "What are you confused about?"
"This," I say quietly. I see the flash of hurt in his eyes and I hate it.
"What part of this?" he asks carefully.
"The part that has me trying to figure out where all of my feelings are supposed to go. We're together nearly every day and we keep getting closer. It's scary for me. It's hard for me to figure out what to do with all of it when I feel like I'm betraying something."
The breath he releases is controlled as he squeezes my hand. I wonder if he can hear my pounding heart. "Am I pushing you too fast?" he asks quietly.
I shake my head. "No. You pushing me has helped me more than you know. It's because of you that I feel anything. But that's part of my problem. I’m feeling everything. I'm feeling things that make me feel guilty. I feel like I'm breaking my vows or something. I'm afraid of what it means if I get wrapped up in you and forget why I'm here."
"Em, I don't want you to feel bad because we're spending time together. I've tried to be respectful of you. Just because I have feelings for you doesn't mean I'm going to push you into anything you aren't ready for."
"I know. It's not you..."
"I swear if you finish that sentence I'm going to going to lose my fucking mind."
My teeth sink into my lip as I shift nervously from foot to foot. "But it is me. I'm the one with all the issues here, Cole. I just have to sort it out and it's too much to try and do that when I'm spending so much time with you. When every time we're together my heart gets more involved. I'm confused. I don't know how to navigate this. I don't know what's acceptable. I don’t know if this is me moving on or just running away from it and using you to do it."
"Like a distraction?" he asks. I hear the hurt in his voice.
"You aren't a distraction, Cole. I didn't mean it that way. I just meant I need some space to work it out in my head, to figure out how it all fits."
"You need me to give you space?"
"A little. And I don't mean that to sound the way I know it does."
"It's not you, it's me. You need space. Shit, Em, it sounds like we're breaking up." He gives me a small smile and I know he's trying to lighten the mood.
"Cole, because of you I'm finding myself again little by little. You've stood right here while I have faced every demon, but you can't help me figure this one out. You're all wrapped up in it."
He nods, his hands still holding on to mine. His thumbs rub against the tops of my hands like they always do, comforting me.
"I want you to be happy," he says quietly.
"I know."
"I can give you space. I can give you time to think it through. I get it. I really do. But don't think too long. I've gotten used to having you around. Part of me is afraid if I leave you alone too long you'll forget about me," he smiles.
"Nope. Won't happen," I assure him.
"Promise?" he asks.
"Promise. You're my best friend. I need you," I say.
"I know," he smiles repeating my words from just a moment ago. "Okay. I'll go then. You call me when you're ready to talk about it?" he asks, breaking the connection of our hands and taking a step back towards the door. I hate it, the sudden emptiness that comes with knowing he's leaving, even if it is what I just asked for.
"I will."
"And it's okay if I text you to check in on you?" he asks hopefully.
"Of course."
"And you'll call me if you need anything at all. Anything."
"Cole -- I'm not running. I'm figuring out how to stay."
He holds my gaze, his eyes boring into mine and it's like we say a hundred different things in the space of a few heartbeats. He takes a step back to me, closing in and taking up all of the air between us. Just his proximity sends fire tingling across my skin.
"I'll be your best friend forever, Emery James. I'm always going to take care of you. But I also know that there is so much more here than friendship. We've always been more than that. We always will be. Take your time and sort it all out. Figure out where all of the pieces fit. I'll be here. I'll always be here." He leans in, kisses my forehead and turns back for the door.
I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out. He smiles and turns to leave again, this time making it to the door before he turns back to me one last time.
"I'll see you soon, James," he promises with a wink.
I stand there feeling completely dumbfounded. I hear his truck start up and the gravel crunch under his tires as he leaves. I sit down on the step and try and to calm my racing heart.
What. Just. Happened?
Cole
SITTING AT HOME SUCKS. It’s an aversion I’m not used to. I've always loved this house and I love coming home from work and just falling onto the couch with a beer and some mindless television to end my day. Now, these walls feel like a prison, holding me inside when all I really want to do is drive across town and sit on Emery's couch and watch her television.
But she asked me for space. I fucking hate that word. Space is what took her away from me the first time. I gave her space and she married somebody else. It makes giving it to her now nearly impossible. I go back and
forth between feeling like I should respect her request and pushing through until she sees how stupid the request was to begin with.
I know she's just scared. I know that's where this is coming from. We keep creeping closer to the imaginary line that divides us. The one made up of everything we should and shouldn't do.
I'm not an idiot, I know the timing sucks. I know I should wait until she's healed before I start trying to change things between us. But I slipped. Between that kiss at the lake and her to falling asleep with her in my arms -- it blurred the line and now we are living in all of this space. If I was unsure about my role before, I'm really unsure now.
The thing is, I saw her starting to open up. The things that she'd told me about her dad and her life with Gabe -- those things mattered. They were big steps for her. I was the one who got her there. And now, now she's trying to push me away so that she can go back and hide out until the storm passes.
Only I know the storm won't pass. Not this time. Is it so wrong that I want to be there to help her through it all? Does that make me pathetic? Or does it make me exactly what she needs?
Sitting at home sucks.
I turn the TV up louder to drown out my spiraling thoughts. I can't even make out what's happening on the screen. It's all noise. Useless noise. I zone out, letting time pass.
I barely hear the knock on the door over the volume of the television. Hitting the mute button, I sit up and listen. When the knock sounds again I pull myself up from the couch to see who it is. It would be nice if the pizza guy realized I was hungry and happened to swing by and drop one off on my doorstep.
I open the heavy wood door and feel my heart leap from my chest. Leap out to grab hold of the quiet beauty who stands on my front porch. Her hair is down, falling over her shoulders in waves and her hands are fidgeting at her sides. She is the most adorable, nervous person I've ever met.