by L. E. Waters
“I love storms, especially when I’m crying.”
“I’ve only known you a few thousand years.”
His tight smile warms me. Simply being near him makes me feel better. We are both quiet for a moment while we watch the rain obscure the view out the windshield. I take in the leathery, musty smell of the rusty car and notice the windows begin to fog up around us.
I dab my eyes and clear my throat. “So am I finished? Can I see my family now?”
“Oh, there’s more to see yet before you’re ready to move on.”
“Move on to another life?” I’m afraid of his answer.
“You will—” He put one slender finger in the air to stop himself, and with a wink, he adds, “Almost got me there.” He shifts his weight. “Let’s just say move on and leave it at that.”
“How many more lives do I have?”
“The quicker we work through all of this, the sooner you’ll be reunited.” He stops the rain; the clouds begin to part as the sun shines through in thick rays.
“At this point am I supposed to review my lives and talk about what I did wrong?”
Finn.
“No need for that. There is no ‘wrong.’ Everything happens for a reason. Life’s not about staying on a path but about surviving the detours. It’s the wrongs that sometimes teach you the most.”
Zachariah continues, “You’re the only one to judge, but if you mistreated someone in a previous life, your soul’s evolution will require reconciling it in the next.”
Finn.
I see Erna’s bright little face and then see the image of her lying in Thora’s arms.
“Why did Erna die so young?”
“Because that is what Erna planned.”
“Well, not why did she die so young, but why do babies and little children die before they even really get to live?”
“It teaches the soul a lesson about dying young, but more importantly, it teaches those around them critical lessons about loss and the miracle of life.”
“Does a small child or baby feel the pain?”
“We’re careful to take the child gently.”
I roll my window down and inhale the thick, sweet memory of rain.
“Will a life always go the way it’s planned?”
“Souls may plan a certain goal or situation with their soul group. However, once you actually get in a life and lose your full consciousness, it can be very hard to stay on track.”
“What happens when a soul goes off track?”
“Their guides will try to get them back on, if possible, but sometimes it will have to be reviewed and tried again in another life. This can happen many times before a soul can learn an especially hard lesson.”
Did I stay on track? There’s no way I stayed on track.
“Are you saying there’s no destiny?”
Zachariah pauses a moment before answering, “I would say it’s better understood by saying some things are quite unavoidable.”
I hated philosophy classes. The way endless questions made my head spin. “What do you mean?”
“For instance,” he says slowly, trying to break it down for me, “if for some reason two soul-group individuals are supposed to meet somewhere but they don’t because one party changes their minds and can’t hear the push from their spirit guide, then meeting after meeting will be attempted until they connect. It’s not necessarily destined they meet at a certain time but destined in that they will meet at some point.”
“I understand.” Happy it doesn’t lead me to more questions. “Is the same true for situations, then? That you might miss the opportunity for a certain lesson, so the spirit guide will make it so the same lesson will be confronted again?”
“Right. The only thing that can get in the way of this is a suicide.”
Suicide.
He shifts in his seat, causing the worn leather to squeak, and adds quickly, “But we’ll talk about that later.”
I try to think of something to distract the last thought. “Are all the lives this difficult?”
“Oh, they’re all difficult.” He laughs at my reactive expression—spirit guides do laugh after all. He continues, “And great in their own ways. Every life has necessary value. Simply relax and take it all in.”
“I don’t know if I want to see any more.”
“You need a little break.”
He starts up the Chevy, and I fold my arms on the window frame and rest my chin. He slowly drives out onto the wet sand and speeds up as he veers into the shallow surf, the Chevy chugging loudly in protest. I let the air flow through my hair as I reach my arm out so that my hand coasts like an eagle on the wind. Time dissolves away as the sun dips lower on the horizon, yet the beach never ends. He leaves the steady shore to climb the bumpy sand dunes. Revving over the crest, he stops the car overlooking a quiet bay, where the tangerine sun seems to pause on the horizon, leaving us in an everlasting sunset.
Thinking of the last life I viewed, I break the silence. “I had to die of the plague.”
“There were not many good deaths in the medieval ages, you know,” Zachariah says with his eyebrows raised.
“What was the lesson I learned in this life?”
“You have to find the answers for yourself.”
“Was it to sacrifice for Rowan?”
“That was part of your plan, but can you see it even more broadly?”
“I sacrificed for many people?”
He nods. “Do you see the progression of sacrifices you made?”
“Well, when I was Sokaris I sacrificed others for my own purpose. When I was Alcina, I sacrificed my life in my son’s defense. When I was Liam, I sacrificed by choice. And when I was Elizabeth”—I pause now, trying to analyze—“I sacrificed myself for anyone. Even people I didn’t know.”
“Great observation. That’s the first big lesson of incarnating, and to do so in only four lives is exceptional.” He turns to congratulate me with his hand on my shoulder. “It takes some twelve lives just to get that far.”
“If that was it, then why do I have more lives?”
He drops his arm and puts his other hand out to bring me back to reality. “I said first big lesson. There are a few more still.”
“If I keep up this rate, I’ll be done soon. You must be honored to be my spirit guide.” I pat my hand on his shoulder a few times.
“Well, don’t get too confident there. Some can get it all in their first life.”
“Complete evolution in one life?”
“Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Isaiah, Martin Luther, Black Elk, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and many of the saints; all examples of individuals taking on great hardship and learning the big lessons at an accelerated speed.”
“All religions are the same?”
“Most religious figures have the same core beliefs. They are perfect examples to people of their times to illustrate what our main purpose is. It’s incredibly unique that these souls remain so close to their paths and endure such hardship without giving into the negative compulsions that usually get in the way of the big lessons. It is extremely difficult to do that in one life and is the reason why these souls are followed and remembered throughout time.”
“So there isn’t one right religion?”
“There is one God. It’s the total absence of negativity, an all-positive energy in the form of pure light; the essence of every living thing; the unseen ‘life force.’ We incarnate or guide to evolve our life force to a higher state or higher vibration, freeing it from negativity and becoming pure light, a part of God.”
“Will I ever get to see this force?”
“You already have.”
“When?”
“Many times; when you went through the light; when I touched you to calm you; what you see all around you; and what we are even made up of right now.”
I actually like believing this is God. One has only to feel this light to know how amazing it is. It warms you and calms you, taking all fear and anger away. Onc
e it touches you, you have no worries or wants. When you are embraced within it, nothing else matters.
“So a Jew, a Christian, or a Muslim will all become part of the same God?”
“It does not matter what someone believes but the way someone lives. But yes, once anyone reaches that vibration, they all become part of the same thing.”
“You speak of all of the negative things we must experience in order to move on. Looking back on the lives I’ve seen so far, how else have I progressed?”
“Well…” He pauses a moment. It’s refreshing, since he usually has answers so fast. “Your first life, you got sidetracked by lust. The lust you felt for Bastet made all that you believed in and were devoted to disappear. You didn’t overcome it; instead you let it take you to a dark place. Then in the next life, you struggled with envy. You couldn’t allow Ophira to take credit for the son you gave her. You wanted recognition for him since you felt the son in your care had failed you. As Liam, you couldn’t endure and assisted in a murder to fix your circumstance.”
“But there were other things that I learned, right? It’s not just a focus on one thing?”
“Each life can have a little of everything, but it’s the thing you set out to overcome that’s most important to that life. The small things that you either succeed or fail at along the way, are of minor importance.”
I pull the handle to my seat and it falls back jarringly. I put my hands under my head.
“Speaking of negativity, why is Ulric so horrible in every life? First, he was the vizier who let me sacrifice Nun without giving him a fair trial. Second, he was the ephor who took Kali away. Third, he was that disgusting sexton who robbed the dead and had no compassion.”
“Yes, but what’s your question?”
“Is he evil?”
“You’re forgetting when he was your father. Did you think he was evil then?”
I inhale sharply. I hadn’t realized he was the same person. “Well, he might have been worse had I’d known him longer. He did kill women and innocent people and would’ve killed me had Thora not distracted him. I could still see evil in his eyes.”
“Evil? No, there’s much worse evil out there.” He crosses his legs in front of him. “Sometimes a soul functions to bring negativity to a group; the vessel in which great progress can occur. He may not show signs of much improvement himself, but his soul is learning, nonetheless, from watching how negativity affects people. We call them facilitators up here: those that choose to bring about hardships. They too choose an incarnate group and continue to assist the evolution of the whole group.”
“What a minute, a facilitator is supposed to make things easier?”
“You’re looking at it backwards. Yes, he makes your life harder, but he makes your advancement easier.”
I can’t stand him.
“Then he’s doing a great job. You’re supposed to dislike him.”
My mouth drops open. “You can read my thoughts?”
He smiles. “Of course I can. I’m your spirit guide. I know everything about you. Your thoughts, your actions, your dreams; I see it all.”
I glance at him. “It’s so strange that you know me like that.”
“It takes some time to get used to.”
I feel self-conscious for a moment, imagining all the things he hears or sees, but then he smiles, and I realize my inner thoughts are pointless.
Putting his hands up in surrender, he says, “I don’t think either one of us wants to think about those things.”
Why speak at all? I might as well just talk like this to you.
“But you’re not in my head, so I must talk.”
“No fair! That doesn’t seem right.”
“They’re not my rules. Plus, if you knew what I knew, you’d be too overwhelmed with all my advanced knowledge.”
Scoffing, I put my legs up on the dashboard but decide to bring us back to the subject. “So you were saying… before you started to pick my brain?”
“Oh right, your facilator’s incredibly important, though.”
“I cringe when I see him, father once or not.”
“Then maybe you should focus on some of the good things he does. Such as by condemning Nun, you and Bastet were freed and Aapep got to get his revenge.”
“I thought revenge would be a bad thing?”
“It’s a vice that Aapep had to work through. You learned you couldn’t get away with such lies, and Bastet learned she was not in control.”
“I see.”
“When he was the ephor he delivered the message to conceive Kali. He came to collect Kali and hesitated long enough for you both to prepare her. When Kali was sent away, it taught her many things.”
“I wish I could see others’ lives. I’d love to see what happened after my death.”
“Later, much later. Let’s stick to yours right now.” He continues, “When he was your father, he left for work and fled when he saw the Vikings, taking his ship to the farther side of the beach and reaching safety in the same cave you hid in later. He didn’t go to help you and your mother, and when he returned to find your mother slain and you gone, he never forgave himself. He devoted his whole life to fighting so he would be ready when the Vikings returned. He lived and breathed revenge, and little did he know he attempted to murder the very son he was avenging. Yet both moments were critical for you to become a slave and choose to die for Thora.”
“He left us to find his own safety that day?”
He ignores my question. “And lastly, Ulric performed the important task of clearing away the dead, connecting you to Rowan and Oliver, and even bringing you Gussalen.”
“Wow, what a treat that was.”
He raises his eyebrows at me. “Not quite Mother Theresa yet, I see.” Zachariah unfolds my crossed arms. “He saw the humanity in a lowly prostitute and brought her to you. He is not as evil as you want him to be.”
“If he’s not evil, what is evil, then? Is there a Devil?”
He takes a deep breath. “The other question I have difficulty answering.” He brings up one of his legs within his intertwined hands. “As pure positivity and light is what some call God, there equally exists pure negativity and darkness some call the Devil. Heaven exists of pure light, while Hell exists of pure darkness. Just as you will feel great in God’s light, you will feel terrible in the Devil’s darkness. Earth is a unique place where both can occur. A soul goes there to choose light over darkness, and sometimes badly guided souls are drawn to the darkness. Some become so miserable and set in such sorrow that they can’t even see the light. Some are so used to darkness and suffering that when they pass on, they don’t go to the light but choose to remain in the darkness.”
“Is that what ghosts are?”
He nods. “What we call earthbound spirits. Spirits that have not gone to the light and don’t even know they’re dead. It can take a very long time to help these unfortunate souls. Ghosts can also be spirit guides one suddenly becomes aware of.”
“Can you tell me the next big lesson I have to learn?”
“What do you think?”
“I have to see it for myself,” I mimic.
He laughs heartily. “You’re finally catching on.”
I laugh and say, “I really wish I could read your mind; we could save a lot of time.”
“Unfortunately for both of us, it doesn’t work that way.”
“Why can’t any of these lessons sound more inviting? It can’t be lessons learned from enjoying life too much? Being too rich? Being too beautiful?”
“Maybe that’s all ahead of you? Why don’t you go and see?”
“Right.” I scoff, thinking about the next big lesson I’m about to throw myself into. “I have one more question before I go on to see the next life.”
“You can ask me anything.”
“If Simon had lived longer, he would’ve chosen to be with me, right?”
So familiar were those eyes I’d waited so long to see again—eyes that knew
me so well—eyes Ellie promised would soon come.
“Simon chose to leave you when he did.”
“Why would he have chosen to leave me then?”
“Because if he didn’t, he would have failed. He only wanted to test himself so much. He knew he couldn’t take more than that.”
“Are we going to be together, ever?”
“You must wait and see.”
I nod, disappointed.
“But I think you will be very interested with this next life, though.” He gives me a wink.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” I laugh as I sit up and put my arm out.
“So that’s all I need to do to get you to continue?” His eyes glisten with amusement as he points a finger to his forehead. “I’ll have to remember that.”
I imagine Simon’s shining green eyes as Zachariah takes hold and everything goes black.
Acknowledgements:
This book could never have existed without the help of the following people:
Patricia, my mother, for my being my first editor, generating plot ideas, and listening to hours and hours of discussing conflict, characters, and basically everything else
Erin, my sister and writing buddy, for going through all of this with me as you were writing your first book. You inspired me to get this story out and for continuing to help me through every part of the process (erinwaters.com)
EJ, my husband, for all your support and encouragement, and for putting up with the many hours I’m off writing
Scott, my son, for all your love and patience
Annabelle, my daughter, for being such a good baby so I could get this books out
Edward, my father, for reading my first drafts—even though you hate how my characters have to die at the end of each life
Jessica, my niece, for being one of my first young adult readers
Bethany Yeager, writer & critique partner extraordinaire, for being so helpful and such a fantastic contributor to the book (beyeager.blogspot.com)
Westport Writer’s Workshop with Matt Debenham, for all of your suggestions and comments (westportwritersworkshop.com)
Sylvia, for creating my beautiful updated covers (sfrostcovers.com)