by Lauren Smith
“Fine,” she gave him a sweet smile and returned to the dressmaker. “I also need a gown in white. Similar cut and fabric to the one I just tried on.” She tossed him another smile over her shoulder. “Both bills will go to the Fifth Avenue address. The first to Lord Barrett Maddox, the second to Lord Lucius Loudoun.”
If he was going to be a beast, then so would she. Loudoun was making her act rashly, wildly even, and she couldn’t understand why. It was a dangerous game and threatened both their futures, but she didn’t stop.
“What are you doing?” his face was set in hard lines, a vein ticking in his neck. “Did you just order a wedding gown? You can’t be that serious about Willy Wurts. You haven’t even met him.”
This had gotten dangerous, threatened both their futures, but she pressed on. She stepped up to him, her own fury evident. Seeing her in this state of undress, he had ruined her. If anyone found out, they would be forced to marry. “It isn’t for Willy Wurts. You are the one who barged into my dressing room in front of the dressmaker. What are you doing?”
Turning on his heel, he left the dressing room without another word.
She was ready to leave the dressmaker’s shop within the quarter hour and the ride back to his house was a silent one. She was sure because Sarah was present. The girl had been gracious enough about leaving despite being in the middle of trying on several gowns.
This time May remembered to look out the window but she still didn’t enjoy the scenery. She was both furious and nervous about the maneuver she’d just made.
It was a short trip back to his house and as they entered the foyer, only the butler greeted them, Barrett was nowhere to be seen.
Loudoun turned to Sara, giving her a charming smile. “Thank you for accompanying us. Will we see you tomorrow evening?”
“Oh, I’d like that,” Sarah cooed.
“It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Wurts.” May gave her a friendly smile, despite the jealousy prickling along her skin.
“You too,” Sarah barely glanced at her, her gaze fixed on Loudoun. The butler opened the door as Sarah’s carriage arrived in the driveway to return her home.
Loudoun then turned to the butler. “Would you go down to the kitchen and tell Cook that I’d like dinner a half hour earlier this evening?”
“Of course, my lord.” The butler bowed and then disappeared, leaving the two of them alone.
Butterflies flitted through her stomach because she knew Loudoun wanted to discuss what had happened and she hadn’t decided what her next move would be. She’d ordered a wedding gown, in front of him for goodness sake, and then had him charged for it.
It was not a conversation she wanted to face and so May turned too, thinking to make a quick escape to the office but fingers firmly grasped her upper arm. “Wait just a minute,” Loudoun gave a low command.
“Remove your hand,” she returned. As his fingers let go, she turned to face him. “How dare you?”
“According to you, I’m about to be your husband, which gives me every right.”
A little harrumph escaped her lips even as a niggle of pleasure warmed her cheeks. The actual thought of Loudoun as her husband was far more pleasant than she’d allowed herself to consider. “Even if that is what I intend, and you’d deserve it for what you did in that shop, you’re too domineering by half.”
“It’s the way I am. The way I’ve always been.” One of his hands ran through his hair. “I’d make a terrible husband. You’ve been warned.”
“You are what you choose to be.” She stepped closer, her face inches from his. “Don’t think I don’t know you’re applying yourself to scaring me off. What I don’t know is why you think you need to. I have every intention of finding an American husband. I don’t want an English lord.”
“Then why kiss me? Don’t forget, I know you too, May. You’re too stubborn for your own good. A girl like you should stay far away from me.”
“A girl like me? What type of girl is that? Childish? Immature?”
“Beautiful and kind.” He raked his hands though his hair. “Don’t try to make a future with me, May. I’m not lovable. I’ll never be what any woman needs.”
Surprise, pleasure, and longing made it hard to breathe. But even more than that, sadness that he thought that about himself, had her words rushing out. “You’re wrong on almost every front. If I wanted you for myself, I’d simply march in and tell Barrett what you did. We’d be married in a fortnight.”
She took another step closer, her hand on his chest. “I don’t know what happened to you to make you think you’re unlovable. But I know you better than almost anyone else. I’ve seen you at your worst, and I know there is a good and kind heart in their capable of love and being loved. You just don’t want to give it a chance.” She stepped back then, her own heart hurting for him, and surprisingly, for herself. Because if he chose to love her, she had a feeling, she wouldn’t be able to resist loving him in return.
If he said he would marry her, yes might fall from her lips before she could stop it. Because, while her mind wanted an American man to sweep her away from England, her heart seemed to want Lucius Loudoun. Her heart was a fool.
Chapter Six
He stared at her, trying to process her words. May had sniffed him out. Though he had to admit, the more she smiled and calmly ignored him, the more irritated he’d gotten until he’d made the completely idiotic move of storming into the dressing room.
If she told Barrett, he was as good as wed. Which was unbelievable because he’d spent most of his adult life avoiding the marriage noose. With the exception of Flora. It had been a blessing that it hadn’t worked out. Not only had they irritated each other, but the end of their relationship had sparked his sobriety. Something he was grateful for.
The only reason he’d even considered marriage was money. Now that he had more than he could possibly spend, thanks to his American holdings, now he was going to be trapped into the institution.
Which was why it was ridiculous. What was happening to him? Closing his eyes, he remembered the incident in the dress shop. He didn’t normally make rash moves. He carefully conducted his business in a way that was profitable and put him in a strategic position to meet his goals.
And he’d started like that at the dress salon. But May had deftly outmaneuvered him till he’d lost his temper entirely. She made him so…he’d meant to say angry but instead he had the impression that what she really did was make him emotional. Worming her way past the tough shell he’d constructed around himself. Which was damn annoying.
“May, I don’t know what you’re planning with that dress but I am too old for you.” He needed to change tactics. Appeal to her directly.
“I already told you, I don’t want you. But that is a ridiculous argument. Twelve years? We are not the same age to be certain, but men far older than you have married women my age.” She shrugged, looking away from him then.
“Tell me now what you’re planning.” His voice was rough with anger and fear, his chest tight. She’d seen him strung out and near death six years before. She’d helped stand him back on his feet. He cared about her even if he hadn’t exactly been nice to her during this visit. Now she was talking nonsense about marrying an American like Willy Wurts? He wouldn’t allow her to make such a mistake.
“I’m not planning anything. Least ways, not with you. I want to stay here in America and that requires an American husband.” She took a deep breath.
“You can’t marry a man like that. Find someone you love. Who loves you. At the very least, find a man who understands your value. You’re smart, attractive, and kind.”
“Perhaps I should have you help me find a husband since you seem to know so well what I need. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to convince me you actually were the man for the part.” Her eyes snapped with anger and hurt.
“I told you, I’m too broken to be a good husband.” He reached out his hand and held her cheek to make sure she kept
her eyes on him. He knew these next words would hurt her but he needed her to hear them. If he was going to do this, there was no room for misunderstanding now. “And even if I considered marriage, it wouldn’t be to you.”
He wasn’t trying to hurt her. The truth was, he cared about her and in ways he felt for no other. And so he did need to keep her safe from him. He’d lied to Flora, agreed to a plot where she was kidnapped just to scare her back into their engagement. He’s manipulated her exactly as his parents had always manipulated him.
Her eyes flashed with hurt and saw the tears forming there. Part of him desperately wanted to take it back but he’d hurt her more later, he was sure of it. It was better to do this now.
“When I was twelve, my mother bought me a stallion. She said it was a gift because I was becoming a man and should ride like one. It was the happiest day of my life. It had already been broken and so I had it saddled and began trotting it around the training ring. He was a beautiful dappled grey, a majestic beast that I instantly loved.” He removed his hands from her face, anger rose like bile in his chest and he didn’t want to touch her as he shared it, for fear he might inadvertently hurt her.
“My father came outside and began screaming. I didn’t know it then but his brother had died on a stallion of the same color. My mother had known, of course. I can still remember her smile of triumph as my father pulled me from the beast and smacked me on both sides of my face, screaming that I was cruel, an ungrateful, useless son.” He shuddered, his head dropping. “My father had the horse killed that very day.”
“Oh, Loudoun,” he heard May’s voice catch. He had never shared these memories with any one. He only did so now so that she would understand.
“I don’t know how to love, May. I was only a pawn to my parents in their war against each other. And I would only do the same to you. You need to know that.”
“That can’t be true. Everyone has goodness in them. You just have to find—”
He shook his head, holding her cheeks in his hands again. “It’s too great a risk. What if I am exactly like them? I couldn’t do that to you.”
Her whisper was so low, he barely heard her as she said, “Send the dress back when it comes.” Then she stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. “You’re not like them. I know you aren’t.” Stepping away, she retreated up the stairs and disappeared down the second-story hall.
Loudoun watched her go, his gut churning. Winning had never felt so awful.
Three hours later, he felt no better as he sat in his office. It was a damn good thing he had no liquor in the house. All kinds of crazy ideas were flitting through his mind.
A knock at the door pulled him from his thoughts. “Yes,” he barked. He was in no mood for company.
The butler stepped in. “Dinner is served.”
“It’s early.” He waved his hand in dismissal, wanting to be alone.
“At your request, my lord.” The butler’s eyebrows rose.
Blast it all to hell, he had requested that but only to speak with May alone. He rose and stepped through the door heading toward the dining room. He should have been in the parlor, entertaining his guests long before now but he hadn’t wanted to face May.
Stepping into the dining room, May and Barrett both stood behind their chairs, waiting for him to be seated. He gave a nod to Barrett and then greeted May while trying not to look at her as his chair was pulled out and everyone sat.
The first course was served and as he took a sip of soup, he saw it. Barrett was being poured wine. Deep, rich, and red, his eyes fixated on it as his mouth went dry. He couldn’t remember the last time it had tempted him so and, try as he might, he couldn’t look away.
“How was the shopping trip?” He heard Barrett’s rumble distantly. He couldn’t seem to break the trance the wine had created.
“Successful,” May answered, and the sound of her voice tugged distantly but not enough to take his eyes from the liquid. “Wouldn’t you say, Loudoun?”
“Mmmm,” he answered, with effort. Barrett picked up the glass and brought it to his lips.
“Loudoun,” May said a little louder. “Are you all right?”
He blinked twice and finally pried his eyes away from the crystal goblet. “Fine,” he murmured, his eyes locking with hers.
His vision seemed to clear as he drank in the details of her concerned face. That nearly broke him. He’d been terrible to her this afternoon and yet she was still worried for him.
“May is right, you don’t seem yourself,” Barrett’s gruff voice called down the table. Loudoun looked back to the duke to find him taking another sip of his wine.
“I’m actually not feeling that well. Would you mind finishing dinner without me?” He stood to leave.
As he passed through the dining room door, he turned to his butler. “See the wine is gone after the meal.”
“Yes, my lord,” the butler murmured.
Walking as quickly as he could, he sought the refuge of his study. His hands shook, and he clenched them together to make it stop. It hadn’t happened in years. He was losing control.
His eyes searched around the room, looking for a drink, though he knew there was nothing there. Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, he fought for control.
The click of the door behind him made him snap his head up. But he didn’t really need to look to know that May was there. “Are you all right?” her soft voice fell over him like a warm blanket.
He should tell her to get out, spending time with her was throwing his world off kilter. But she looked and sounded so damn good. “The wine. I haven’t had it in the house for years….” He nearly said more. That he drank in the face of turmoil. That she was making him crave it. That for both their sakes, she should leave him be. He was no good for her and she was certainly terrible for him.
Her forehead creased in lines of worry as she reached for his hand and pulled him close. He allowed her to wrap her arms around him and press their bodies together. “I’ll tell Barrett not to do it again. I’m sure he just forgot.”
His arms unfolded and reached around her back, bringing them even closer together as he dropped his cheek to the top of her head, her silky tresses tickling his skin. “Why are you comforting me? I said terrible things to you.”
“Loudoun, when people care about you, they don’t run away after a few mean words.” She gave him a tiny squeeze. “Whatever path we each take in the future, I will always care about you.”
Any desire for alcohol was now gone, replaced with…a need for her. Touch her, taste her, worship every inch of her body and then hold her close. Wrap her in warmth until she falls asleep in his arms. “No one has ever loved me like that. I don’t know what to do with it.”
“That is awful,” she whispered. “My family loved me and I was lucky to have them. As an orphan, my life could have been so much worse. For that reason I can’t fully understand what you’ve been through, but I often feel like I don’t belong.”
“What do you mean you don’t belong?” He lifted his head then, his eyes piercing down as his hand came to tilt her chin up to look at him. May should never hurt, she deserved the very best the world had to offer.
“I never felt at home in England. Barrett, Alex, Chris…they’re all titled and they’ve given me a wonderful dowry, but I’m still not one of them. They think to marry me into the peerage but I hear the whispers of the ton. Buying my way into the aristocracy. I don’t belong but after growing up among them, I don’t fit with the common man either.”
“That’s ridiculous.” Loudoun cupped her cheek. “You’re—”
But she cut him off. “You said it yourself, I’m not a lady.”
Wanting to kick himself, he kissed her forehead. “I was wrong.” He shouldn’t kiss her like this, hold her, but she hadn’t run away after his confession and she needed comfort now. He sensed this was an important revelation as to why she was here in America.
“No, you were right. When I start a family of my own,
I’ll finally have a place I belong. Where I am meant to be.” She gave him a smile. “And you could have a place you belonged too, if you’d let someone in to love you.”
He grimaced. Part of him was so tempted by her words but he’d seen this before. Like Flora and his parents, she’d eventually realize he wasn’t worth her love. Then they’d be stuck together, she with a husband not worthy of her affection. He was used to the pain but her life would be ruined. “No, I already told you. I’m not lovable. May, you should go before you get hurt.”
“I’m not afraid of you, Loudoun,” she whispered. Her hand came to his chest and she stepped closer.
Bloody hell, he wanted to kiss her. So tempting and so close, he could just lean down and take her lips. Think about the consequences another time. Instead he backed away. “You should be.”
Chapter Seven
May didn’t see Loudoun all the next day, which she was intermittently disappointed by and grateful for. She’d revealed pieces of herself she had shared with no one else, like the fact that she’d never fit in with the peerage of England despite Barrett’s best attempts. Or that she wanted a family of her own so that she could belong somewhere.
He too, had revealed a great deal. She couldn’t be certain, but she’d guess that he didn’t tell many people he was unlovable.
But what he didn’t seem to understand was that he was different. The very fact he was so worried about her said that he was capable of love.
She could no longer deny that the feelings between them were real but the truth was, he was right that they shouldn’t marry. If he ever decided to return to England he’d need a lady. And she had no intention of going back. Only staying in America would free her from the condemnation of the ton. Find her a place in this world when she belonged.
Butterflies flitted in her stomach making her queasy as she readied for the dinner with the Wurts family. Not that she cared about them, well hopefully she would, but right now she was concerned about facing Loudoun. She’d have to pretend she didn’t feel any of the emotion flitting through her.