by Lauren Smith
“You had your head between my…” she stopped, blushing. “I thought it appropriate.”
He grinned then. “It is, indeed.”
“Since we’re talking about what we’re not supposed to, do you honestly think I will be happier with Wurts or Rutland?”
He sucked in his breath. She was too smart for her own good. “With one of them, I won’t have to see your disappointment and know that I caused it.”
“You’ll just have to picture me with Rutland. He’s likely fat and gap-toothed.”
He tilted her head back to look up at him. He laughed he couldn’t help it. “With a clubbed foot.”
“And what would my children look like?” She raised her eyebrows.
“Most likely, just like their father.” His eyebrows drew together. May having another man’s children was completely unacceptable.
“Instead, I could be with you, and we could have little golden-haired girls wearing pink ribbons in their hair.” Her voice had dropped to a whisper.
He couldn’t help it, his head dropped lower to hear her. “No. They’ll have chocolate brown curls that bounce as they run and laugh.” His lips brushed hers and the image of beautiful May holding the hand of his little girl who looked just like her filled him with such warm longing that he ached from it.
“And a boy too,” she murmured against his lips. “Who’ll grow big and strong.”
“Will he grow bitter and resentful?” Loudoun lifted his head then. “Like me?” He pulled a little further away. “My parents didn’t love me, May. They looked at me with nothing but disappointment and disdain. What if I do that to our children?”
“You won’t.” She shook her head. “I know you have love in your heart.”
“No one has ever loved me, May. I’m not worth it and I don’t know how to give it.”
“I love you,” she whispered, tightening her grip. “Don’t say anything. I didn’t have the love of my parents either, but I was loved. And I could give it to you, if you’d let me.”
“I don’t know how.” He kissed her forehead. “But thank you for trying. It means so much that you did.”
He pulled away then, because another second and he’d forget every word and tumble her onto that bed. Even now a piece of him screamed to throw caution to the wind, make love to her and then deal with the consequences tomorrow. But even as he thought it, he knew it was so selfish, and he needed to do what was best for her.
“Goodnight, May.” Unwinding his arms from around her, he dragged himself to the door. How had she not grown tired of the sight of his back?
Chapter Twelve
Stubbornness had long been one of her qualities. That and optimism. It had carried her through the tragedies in her life and she firmly believed that it would again.
He cared for her, she knew he did. She just needed to break his outer shell to get to the softer inside. The problem was, she was running out of time. Because her decision had been made. She loved Loudoun and only he would do. No more running from her feelings.
“May, did you hear me?”
Her attention snapped back to the present. Barrett was giving her his glower as she sat across from him in the carriage. They were making their way across town to the docks.
“Hmm?” she said by way of answer.
“I’m shortening the trip to New York.” Barrett gave her a level stare.
Had Loudoun told him about last night? “Why?”
“The deal with Wurts has likely fallen through, the audit is almost complete, and your bridegroom awaits.” He looked out the window. “And I miss Piper, the children, the baby.”
She reached across and held his hand. “I don’t blame you.” She had to do this next part carefully. She had no intention of marrying Rutland, but Barrett didn’t have to know that. “Because I’m marrying an Englishman, this may be my last trip to America. Can’t I stay a little longer? Take another ship back?”
His eyes snapped back to hers. “Out of the question.”
“Just another week?” She balled her fists into her skirts. They were both about to dig in their heels.
“America has not been good for you. You’ve been acting erratically and that is with my supervision.” Barrett shook his head.
“Loudoun could act as my guardian. He’d keep me safe.” She tried to keep a casual tone. A voice that did not give away her feeling for the man or the country.
But Barrett snorted as he answered. “Utterly ridiculous.”
“I am nearly twenty-one years of age. Why is it ridiculous?” She crossed her arms, digging in to do battle. Few knew what a soft heart this ferocious-looking duke actually had.
“Loudoun’s far too enamored with you to be left alone in your company.”
“You think that he…is enamored of me?” She couldn’t quite keep the hope out of her voice as her breath caught. Perhaps she should just tell Barrett of her feelings but she was almost certain he wouldn’t approve of the man.
Barrett stopped then and gave her a long assessing stare. “You’re fond of him too. How much so?”
“I know what you’re going to say. He isn’t an appropriate choice.” It was her turn to look away.
He didn’t answer for so long that she finally had to glance back at him. His eyes were intent upon her. “Chris and Alex would not approve of him as your suitor, but then again, they do not know him like I do.”
She didn’t understand that comment but she waited for him to continue, knowing that now was a time for listening.
“His past is sordid but he is strong, capable, titled, and waiting for the right woman. Piper was that woman for me. The way he looks at you…you could be the right one for him.”
Her heart nearly seized in her chest. Never had she expected to hear that. She launched herself across the carriage, hugging her adopted father around the neck. “Thank you for saying that.”
He hugged her back and then began untangling her arms. “You should sit back down before you fall.” His voice was gruff, but a small smile touched his lips.
Smoothing her skirts, she returned to her seat, clearing her throat. “Barrett, I can’t leave just yet. I need more time with Lucius.”
“When did you start calling him Lucius?” Barrett asked, his eyes narrowing. “Did you come to America for him? And why didn’t you tell me all this before? I would have done things differently if I had known.”
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know. We both watched him recover and at first I thought maybe I just felt sympathy. And he is still fragile. But I could help him. He needs love like I needed all of you.” She took a deep breath. “But I need him too, I understand that now. Just like me, he’s English but an outsider. Nearly an orphan. We understand each other in ways I never imagined. The problem is, he’s convinced he isn’t marriage material.”
“Being stubborn, is he?”
“Of course. The question is, how do I convince him that I am the right woman for him? He is certain he will never marry and he’s sure that he doesn’t deserve love. Honestly, I think his parents were quite cruel and they’ve convinced him that he’s unlovable.”
Barrett grimaced. “I can try to help you on that front. Not that I am sure that I approve. But I do remember that many didn’t approve of me as a match for Piper. And I never thought I was good enough for her.”
“Thank you, Barrett.” Her adopted father continued to amaze her.
“But we can’t stay forever and I won’t leave you. If you can’t convince him, you must secure your own reputation and future by marrying Rutland.”
“I can’t just become a spinster?” She sounded like a petulant child, but she didn’t want a husband forced on her.
“I would take care of you if you did. But if you can’t make a love match, perhaps you should consider Rutland. I know I lost my temper yesterday when I demanded you marry him, but I am worried for you. And Rutland is handsome, kind, and capable.” Barrett leaned forward. “And he lives in England.”
&nbs
p; She grinned then. “But you’ll help me with Lucius anyway.”
“I will. Because I can’t resist you. And because you’re right. You are exactly what he needs.” He winked then. “I’ll deny this part, but if you’re successful, he’ll take over the English branch.”
As she made to protest, he grinned. “I jest. But you will be expected to visit often.”
The carriage rolled to a stop. They had reached the docks where Barrett would be inspecting the ships in his fleet. “Will he be here?”
“Of course.” Barrett nodded. “But if you truly want to win him over, what he needs is your kindness and understanding, not demands.”
Barrett’s word rang in her head. Of course what he needed was unconditional love. It had never been given to him and he wouldn’t heal without it. She knew what to do. “Assign him to attend me throughout the inspection.”
Barrett glowered. “Do not do anything that compromises your reputation.”
May did not respond. It was too late for that.
Loudoun watched Barrett hand May down from the carriage. Bloody hell, she was lovely this morning. Her pale pink gown and matching hat complemented the creaminess of her skin and the rich brown of her hair, not to mention accentuating every one of her curves.
It was growing increasingly difficult to deny his feelings. Wild thoughts of throwing his reservations aside and taking her for his own were flitting through his mind. So what if he didn’t have a whole heart to give her? Part of his heart was better than the arranged marriage she faced in England.
But then he stopped again. She would love him with everything she had. It was who she was. And as lovely as that sounded, she would grow to resent him in return. Everyone who tried to love him did.
They began walking toward him. May held her usual expression of excitement and affection but Barrett was eyeing him in the strangest way. As though the duke was recalculating his opinion of his American manager. What had May told him?
“Lucius, would you do the honors of escorting May so that I might look about more freely?”
“Of course,” Loudoun responded, holding out his arm to May. Obviously May hadn’t mentioned the liberties he’d taken. But something was afoot.
“Are you all right?” he whispered as they began following Barrett.
She nodded. “I am sorry I frightened you last night, frightened us both. Thank you again for saving me.”
Loudoun glanced at Barrett, who was climbing up the gangplank and onto the first ship. He followed at a more leisurely pace. The man could move on a ship. It came in handy now as the duke moved away from them, giving them some privacy to converse. “Promise me never to do anything like that again.”
“Considering how little time I have left in America, I am sure I can behave until then.” She gave his arm a squeeze and he felt his heart begin to thump. He didn’t know how he might say goodbye to her.
“When?” His throat was tight as he asked the question.
She shook her head. “He didn’t say, but he did mention that he misses Piper and is eager to see me settled.”
May didn’t look him in the eye and he knew what the unspoken question was. Would he save her from going back to England? Hell and damnation, he was tempted.
Barrett disappeared below deck, most likely to inspect the hull, and Loudoun pulled May toward the rear. They’d be in plain sight but it was a quieter spot on the ship. “What has he said about Rutland?” Jealousy was rising like bile in his throat.
Her hand pressed to the base of her neck. “That I should give him a chance.” She turned to him then, her eyes large. “But I am afraid and I don’t want to return to England.”
Looking around, he saw no one, and swooped down to give her a quick kiss. “It will all work out, I know it. You deserve the best and Barrett won’t settle for anything less.”
She looked at him with an odd expression. Like he’d said something terribly insightful though it seemed obvious to him. “Don’t you consider yourself the best?”
“Me?” His eyebrows drew together. “I’ve told you before. I’m not good enough for you. I never will—”
She stood on tiptoe and pressed her lips to his. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, Lucius. I still have a little time and I am going to use it to prove to you that you are good enough. Even if it isn’t me you marry. It’s important you know, you deserve happiness.”
He stared at her. All this time, he thought her motivation might have been staying in America or, perhaps, attraction to him. But now, she was declaring she wanted him to be happy, even if they didn’t end up together. How could she be that selfless? It made him ache to hold her close.
Barrett entered his sight line and he tucked her hand back into his elbow. As she walked, her hip brushed his upper thigh, tightening everything in him. He wanted her so much. Not just in his bed, like this. Walking next to him, touching him. Smiling up at him with her beautiful smile.
It was going to be a long and trying afternoon.
Chapter Thirteen
May was delighted with the afternoon. Loudoun kept her close the entire day, his glances speaking of desire and intimacy. His touch was gentle and often. They didn’t speak any more of the future or their relationship, but May was content with the day. And tonight she had a gift for him.
Dinner was also a delightful affair, Barrett regaling them with stories of his family. After the meal, May excused herself.
Barrett turned to her. “With only three of us, there is no need for you to leave the men. You’re welcome to join us.”
But she smiled. “Smoke your pipes and cigars. All that walking today has worn me out. Goodnight.” She kissed Barrett’s cheek then gave Loudoun a nod.
Racing to her room, her maid helped her change and brush out her hair. “Would you like me to braid it, miss?”
“Just a loose one, tonight,” she requested. Nervous excitement flitted through her chest as she assessed her reflection. It would be night she’d never forget.
As soon as she was alone, she tossed on her housecoat and made her way down the hall by candlelight. If Loudoun’s bedroom was locked, this would be trickier.
Reaching his room, she tried the handle and found the door to be open. A sigh of relief escaped her lips. Sliding inside, she lit the candle next to the bed and slipped off the housecoat. Then, stoking the fire, she slid in between his covers to wait, her heart hammering so loud, she was sure it was echoing through the house.
She’d been prepared to wait a long time but within a quarter hour the door opened and Loudoun walked in. She almost gasped aloud in surprise, which was silly. The entire reason she was here was to be with him.
“I think I’ll just be working from my home office tomorrow,” he said and May realized the real flaw in her plan. His valet was with him. Her butterflies of excitement and anticipation turned to dread.
Popping up, she saw Loudoun’s head swing toward her and then he turned on his heel. “I won’t be needing your services tonight.” His body blessedly blocked her from the view of the man behind him but she slid under the covers just in case.
The door clicked closed and, in an instant, Loudoun was pulling the covers back, his face close to hers. “What do you think you are doing?”
She gave him a glowing smile, not lifting from the bed. “I have a gift for you.”
He groaned. “May, I can barely keep my hands off you when you are not in my bed.”
“So don’t,” she answered as she slowly began lifting the hem of her nightgown. “I’ve heard there are precautions we can take so that I do not conceive, is that true?”
His eyes were glued to the fabric as it slid past her knees to her thighs. “Yes, for the most part.”
She nodded. “Then I want to give you my virginity,” she whispered as the fabric slid to her mid-thigh.
“This is not wise. I’ve told you—”
She rose up then, and pressed her lips to his to silence them. “This is a gift. I want nothing in
return. It’s yours to have forever since I can never give it to another.” Then she lay back down, and continued pulling her hem up.
It had near reached the juncture of her thighs and his trembling hand followed its path up her bare flesh.
When she exposed her most intimate parts, she heard him suck in his breath. But she kept going, reveling in the way his eyes devoured her. Soon her navel was exposed and then her ribs. His hand kept moving too, tracing the line of the hip to her tiny waist. His fingers counting her ribs as the lace along the bottom reached her breasts.
Her courage failed for just a second. Once it was done, it could not be undone. But then he took over, brushing the linen up over her breast while using the movement to give them the lightest caress. “My God, you’re stunning.” He planted a light kiss in the valley between them even as he pulled her up to lift the night rail over her head. Then he reached for the ribbon in her hair.
Untying it, he undid the braid, combing her locks out onto his pillow. He kissed her face, then her neck as he slowly traced the outline of every curve with his hands.
Her eyes fluttered closed and she had the distinct impression that it was he who was giving her a gift. Her body hummed under his touch. It was amazingly gentle as he caressed every inch of her.
And then his lips began to trail down her neck to her collarbone as he shrugged out of his own shirt. At the touch of his bare skin to hers, she gasped, her body arching against his. He smiled as he nuzzled her. “There is nothing better than the feel of skin against skin.”
“I didn’t know.” She laced her fingers though his hair as his lips kissed a path toward her breast. Her body tensed in a sweet ache that left her breathless, her skin tingling with anticipation.
His lips lightly brushed one of her nipples, and though the touch was gentle, her body spasmed in need. “Lucius,” her tone begged and she pushed up toward him.
With a grin, he took the nipple in his mouth and sucked deeper. Then he moved to do the same to the other. His lips began working lower, skimming across her abdomen, she started pushing him further, remembering the feel of his kisses on her thighs.