by Denise Muniz
I barely told her anything, just cried the whole time, but I promised her that I would call her after I had talked to James, after I had calmed down a little. I’d been a horrible friend, but most of all, a horrible person. I had shut out the ones who loved me the most, when I needed them the most.
But James didn’t small talk, nor did he sugarcoat shit. He would have made everything that was happening real. And I didn’t want real. I wanted fake. I wanted a dream with happy people, ponies and unicorns. I needed him to tell me that that kind of world existed. Because currently, where I was at, was full of dark and dreadful things.
The rain was pouring as my windshield wipers flipped hard, back and forth, at the highest speed. They said a storm was coming our way but I couldn’t stay home. I couldn’t be in that town any longer. Not if I wanted my sanity. Not if I wanted my life. Which I was risking, because the tears were blurring my vision and dropping onto my shorts. Thunderstorms were rolling in as I got closer to my destination.
I couldn’t breathe.
I pressed the button to lower my window and in came a gush of water, slapping me a little on my face and arms. It woke me up from the coma state I was currently in.
“Destination to your left,” I heard my GPS tell me. Pulling into the parking lot, I didn’t see the motorcycle I had come to recognize anywhere. Getting out of the car in a rush, I was in a mini battle with the rain as it smacked me in the face, hard. I was drenched in a matter of seconds, but it didn’t stop me.
Knock, knock, knock.
As the water ran over my clothes I couldn’t help the shiver that ran through my body. I banged a little harder the second time.
Knock, knock, knock.
Maybe he knew I was there. He hadn’t picked up the phone. He hated me. As I went to bang on the door for the third and final time someone opened the door. It was Paul.
A look of confusion was written all over his face. Was I a fucking ghost? Did I die on the ride here? “Becca,” he said, but it came out as a question.
My lips were quivering so bad I couldn’t speak, the only thing I could do was shiver and nod.
He moved to the side. “Shit, come in. Let me get you a towel.” I stepped into the apartment I knew so well and waited as he ran to get me a towel. He was gone a whole two seconds but my tears, mixed with the rain, were coming down again. Stopping in front of me, he wrapped the towel around my shoulders.
“Hey, are you okay?” He sounded concerned. Maybe he thought I was crazy? It was almost midnight and here I was soaked, crying, shivering, in the middle of his living room. I would have thought I was crazy too.
But I didn’t have words at that moment, just thoughts, thoughts that made me cry even harder. I felt him pull me to his chest. Rubbing my arms up and down to warm me up, he kept saying, “Shhhh, everything is going to be alright.”
It was nice being in someone’s arms as they consoled me, trying to make me feel better even though they didn’t know the problem, even though nothing would be alright. I didn’t know how long we stood there. It could have been hours, minutes, even a few seconds but he pulled me back and held me at arm length.
“Just wait, I’ll get him, okay?” Perfect. He was speaking to me like I’d lost it. I couldn’t blame him.
I just nodded.
I watched as he walked to James’ door and knocked hard. The words behind the door were loud and annoyed. “PAUL, SERIOUSLY, LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE!” It was James, voice, making my heart skip a beat. I’d missed that voice so much.
But Paul didn’t say a word, he just banged even harder. He didn’t finish banging when James opened the door wide. Behind him was a woman. What did I expect, for him to be home alone? Of course not, this was James, the ladies man. She sat on his bed, covered in his dark blue sheets. Her breasts were almost falling out as her long black hair wrapped around her neck, with some of it sticking to her cheeks. She was beautiful, like someone out of magazine.
“Paul, didn’t I fucking tell you when I’m with my girl to leave us alone?”
His girl? As in…girlfriend?
All thoughts left my head. He didn’t notice I was in the background. Perfect time to run away. But before I could escape my phone rang, freezing me to the spot.
Shit.
That’s when he looked at me. Blue-green eyes, a mixture of the sky and the deep sea, were looking at me. His expression was one of anger and…bewilderment. I couldn’t blame him. It had been weeks since I’d spoken to him, and here I was showing up right in the middle of him having sex, or whatever he was doing with his girlfriend.
“Becca…?” he mumbled. This was one of the first times James didn’t have the words to say. He was stunned into silence.
Taking my eyes off of him, I saw the woman that was on the bed reach for her shirt and put it over her head. She then proceeded to put the rest of her clothes on. When she stood up I immediately envied her body. She was perfect everywhere; flat stomach, long legs, perfect, flawless face. She made her way to James and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, which caused her long black hair to sway to the side.
“Everything alright, baby?” she asked. Damn even after sex she looked good. Not many people could pull that off. But as I looked back to James he was still staring at me. “James?”
That snapped him out of it. “Yes, sorry, everything’s fine.” He rubbed her hands that were around him. He then turned back to me. “This is my friend I was telling you about. Becca.”
She looked my way finally. She didn’t just look at me; she examined me, sizing me up, for what? I had no idea. Feeling the snot about to run from my nose, I brushed my hand across my face. The tears that were there a few minutes ago were turning into dry chest heaves.
I found my voice before I made a bigger fool of myself. “I’m...I'm sorry,” I muttered, looking toward the floor. “I tried to text and c-call you. I’ll come back tomorrow.”
I turned around, dropping the towel on the couch. As my hand reached for the doorknob, I heard James’ voice.
“Wait…”
I didn’t want to look behind me. I already felt like a fool. I should have known he would be busy if he didn’t answer the phone. In those few minutes I remembered the real reason I was there and the waterworks began again. Someone put their arms around me, pulling me to them.
“It’s okay, Becca,” I heard Paul say. Such a nice guy.
I heard footsteps getting closer to us, and then I heard the door open. “Okay, baby, call me in the morning. I have a shoot but I’ll be waiting for your call.” It was his girlfriend’s voice.
“Yeah, I’ll call,” James replied. I heard the smacker of a kiss and then the door closed.
My heart dropped. I wasn’t ready for my time with James, if there was even going to be any. Just then, the warm hands that were embracing me were replaced by a set of arms that I had grown to know well over the years. I didn’t hold back my feelings as I squeezed him, hard. All the emotions I had been holding in for the past six or so weeks were brought to the surface in that hug. The sobs and chest pounding all came out as he held me in his strong arms.
I knew deep inside that he was probably pissed at me, but at that moment it was like all that went out the window and we were just here, just as we used to be, him consoling me when times got rough. He didn’t know that this was the toughest for me.
But what I didn’t know was that this was what I had needed for a long time, something I had been trying to avoid, which was the dumbest thing I could‘ve done. This was home, even when my home was crumbling.
“Becca,” he whispered, his voice full of concern. “What’s wrong?”
Those two words started it all over again. The waves crashed in my chest, making everything that had happened real again. Everything was just taking pieces from me and I couldn’t get them back. I wanted to be a kid again, bouncing on my dad’s lap. I wanted to smile at stupid shit, well, because they were stupid and funny. I wanted my dad to be healthy again.
&nb
sp; James was holding me tighter and my shoulders kept bouncing with everything that was pouring out of me. “You’re starting to freak me out,” James whispered. “Please tell me, what’s wrong?” He was worried about me. He had probably been worried about me for a while. I read it in his text messages, but I never responded to those ones, only the ones that I knew I could use a one-word answer to.
“Just…” I hiccupped. “Hold me…please.”
At my request he held me tighter and we walked. I just followed him with my head buried against his chest. In a few seconds we were dipping onto his bed. Maybe if this were a different time, in a different situation, I would’ve minded sitting on this bed after what had just gone down, but right now, it was a comfort. It was James. I didn’t know how long I’d been crying for but it was starting to wipe me dry.
“Shhhhhh, babes, just sleep,” he cooed into my ear, petting my hair. He knew when he played with my hair I would fall asleep. At that, my eyes started to close.
JAMES
In the darkness, I heard steady breathing coming from Becca. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t in a state of shock when I’d seen her in the living room. It’d been over a month since I’d had contact with her. I never considered those stupid one-word texts being contact. And now, all of a sudden, she was here, looking like a broken animal. Like one of those cats that would wait outside your door, purring for you to give them food. The purrs were cries for hunger. Her cry was…I hadn’t figured it out yet.
Carefully, I unwrapped her arms from around my chest, and gently placed her head on one of my pillows. The room was dark except for the faint glow from the full moon. I felt my chest was wet from her hair, which meant my whole bed was probably wet, but I was not going to wake her. Looking down at her wet body I saw that she still had her sneakers on, so as gently as I could I started to unlace her Converse. As I peeled one from her foot a few drops made their home on my bed. After I was done removing both her sneakers and socks I threw the socks in the hamper and glanced at the clock. The red numbers read 3:28am. Damn, she had been crying for well over two hours without a single word.
As I opened the door the light from the living room cast onto my face. My eyes burned from the brightness. After allowing my eyes to adjust I made my way to the kitchen. My mouth was dry and my body ached from being in an uncomfortable position for a long while. With my head in the fridge, I heard footsteps behind me. Reaching in, I grabbed a bottle of water and turned around. There was Paul, looking like he’d woken up from the jungle. His hair was sticking out in all different directions and his eyes were a little blood shot. If he looked that bad, I wondered how I looked, or worse, Becca.
“Hey, bro, you look beat,” I told him, sitting on one of the stools by the counter.
Joining me, he said, “Yeah, you could say that.” He ran his hands through his crazy hair, trying to tame it. He then nodded toward my bedroom door, asking, “How is she doing?”
“I wish I fuckin’ knew. She hasn’t said a word to me since we got in there.”
“She looked out of it, dude. Did you know she was coming?”
“Of course I didn’t know.” I should’ve picked up that phone call I got when Juliana came over, but other things were on my mind. “Did you know?”
“Really, dude? Of course I didn’t know.” He grabbed the water from my hands and took a sip. He tried to give it back to me but I passed. “What are you going to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, she’s probably here because of her boyfriend. Maybe he broke up with her, or they got into fight? Maybe she needs comfort from a friend.” He said “friend” in quotations with his fingers.
“I doubt he was that important to her,” I said, confused. That couldn’t be the reason she was here.
“Well, didn’t you say some shit about him not wanting her to talk to you? Then bam, all of a sudden she stops. I mean, it’s no coincidence, dude.”
He did have a point there. There were plenty of times Becca had told me that Grey didn’t want her talking to me, but for her to show up the way she did? There had to more to the story than just that. Right?
“Just think about it, dude. I’m going to bed. You should try to do the same.” He patted me on my shoulder and made his way to his room.
I didn’t want to think about it as I made my way to my own room and into my bed. Becca hadn’t moved from fifteen minutes ago. We had been friends for well over eight years and this was the first time she had ignored me the way she has the last month. I had gone a few days without contacting her in the past but I always had reason. She just completely ignored everything. And for Grey, out of everybody.
Sometimes life was weird like that. Sometimes it liked to throw these weird curve balls at you, changing the whole game. I wondered how my game was going to be played tomorrow, because with the way I was thinking right now, I was guessing it wouldn't be nice.
BECCA
As the rays of sun hit my face it was hard for me to open my eyes. I was trying to, but they just wouldn’t open. I tried to rub them and felt a horrible throbbing pain. Patting my eyes I felt that they were a little swollen. I must have cried so much last night that they were irritated. With my hands, I reached over to the side that I thought James was on but it was empty. I reached the other side but that was also empty. He must’ve gotten up before me to do some stuff and let me sleep.
As I lay there with my eyes closed I began thinking. I thought about things I didn’t want to think about, like Grey and how everything was going for him. He had tried calling me a few times, telling me how much he missed me, although he hadn’t left yet. I thought about Emma and how I would even begin to explain how much of a horrible friend I had been to her. But the only thought that kept running through my head over and over was James. He’d been out living his life and I had not been around. I had completely put him at the bottom of my list. I guess what I was afraid of was his reaction. What would he say to me? What would he ask me? Would he understand, after I explained everything? Would he even let me explain?
But I was here and I needed him. Finally, my eyes cracked open and I made my way out of the bed. Pressing my ear against the door, I couldn’t hear anyone, so I thought it was safe to use the bathroom.
I knew he had unused toothbrushes under the counter from the last time I came here, so I grabbed one to brush my teeth, then threw water on my face and walked out. James was leaning by his bedroom door, his arms crossed and pressed against his bare chest full of sweat. He must’ve gone out for an early morning run. On full display was that tattoo on the side of his ribs of a crow with its wings lifted up, fully exposed. It was all black and grey, huge and mysterious.
“You’re finally up,” he said, a little harshly.
Words didn’t fill my mouth so I nodded my head.
“I know why you’re here,” he stated.
My head whipped toward him. He did? But how? Maybe he’d spoken with Emma, but she didn’t even know the whole story.
“You do?”
“And first, I just want to tell you that it’s fucked up.”
What?
“You’re going to stand there and act stupid with me, Becca?” He was pissed, this was not good. This was not how things were supposed to go. “Are you with Grey?”
What does this have to do with him? “No,” I whispered. I felt like I was being scolded for nothing, when in reality it was something, but not this something.
He stood up, running his hands through his hair.
“Seriously, Becca. You come all the way over here because you’re not with him anymore. What do you want me to do? Pick up the fucking pieces?”
Ouch, that hurt…
“That’s not wh…”
“You think you can just up and ignore me and expect me not to react at all? You know the type of person I am.”
“But that’s not why I ign…”
He wasn’t letting me get a word in. The lava was building inside of him and soon it was goi
ng to erupt. I’d seen him get pissed but never toward me. “Don’t give me that bullshit. You told me plenty of times how he’d told you to stop talking to me. And you fucking listened to him, Becca.” He was shouting now.
This is what he thought I was here for. “That’s not wh...”
“I was battling with myself last night when all I wanted to do was throw your ass out of my house. But we’ve been friends for a good while and I was always there for you when you needed me. You know how many times I dumped people when you called me? A fucking lot.” He was right. He was always the one to come running to my rescue. All those late night calls I would make when he was with his friends, just because I wanted him around for comfort. “But this shit is over with. You are old enough to know how to deal with your pitiful boyfriend shit. I am not here anymore to pick you up when you fall.”
If it wasn’t my dad it was James. Him being a couple years older than me always made me feel…safe. So when my dad wasn’t around and I was upset, or a relationship didn’t go well, James was always there for me. He was mostly there to knock some teeth out, but he was always there.
“Are you going to let me talk?” I yelled out before he could stop me again.
He just looked at me, jaw tense, hands balled into fists. “No.”
No?
“I spoke to my mom this morning and she said you weren’t with Grey anymore. Everybody knows that shit, word travels fast, Becca,” he continued. “Thinking about all the shit that has been going on, that’s the only reason I can come up with. And if that’s the only reason you’re here then you need to leave now.” He was breathing heavily. I understood that he was angry but if he didn’t let me talk then how would he know the truth. I couldn’t believe Grey had gotten the word out that soon. What the hell did he do, rent a billboard to put that private information on?
Grey wasn’t even the reason why I was here. Actually, at that point he’d barely been in my thoughts at all. When Grey and I broke up I was devastated, but from the years of break ups I’d had previously I’d learned how to deal with that kind of thing. I wanted to have that forever with someone, and a part of me wanted that with Grey. However, my main focus now was my dad. These tears were not for Grey.