Here For You

by Denise Muniz

  I was just about to push him so that I could run to the bathroom and empty the emptiness inside me, but then his lips started to move, his eyes never leaving mine.

  “You’re so fucking frustrating, you know that?” he asked.

  Okay, I didn’t think he was going to say that. Did he want me to answer?

  “It’s always been like this with you. You start saying something then you stop. You never really give out your emotions. You’re a fucking brick wall. Which is cool, sometimes, because you keep your heart guarded, but you guard it from the wrong people.”

  Where was he going with this? I felt like he was unveiling what was sacred to me. Yeah, I kept things to myself; why go and open your shit up to people who might take a piece with them when they go? My mom took a huge piece and I didn’t even know her. Now all these other people that had left had taken a piece, including James.

  “Of cou…“

  “I said no talking, Becca. Fuck, can’t you just shut up and listen?”

  Damn.

  He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m trying here, so just let me try, okay?”

  I nodded.

  “I might not know fully why you cover up so much, but you don’t have to with me. Out of all people, not me. There were times when I would look at you and I could have sworn you looked at me with those lovey-dovey eyes, then two seconds later you’d brush it off like it was nothing. How am I supposed to read you when you do shit like that?” He dropped his hands to his sides. “I can’t read you all the time, Becca. I’m not supposed to, that’s not how it works. You have to let me see the signs and act upon it instead of hiding them.” His hands brushed my fingers. “See? Like that, right there. When I touch you, I know your heart beats faster, your cheeks flush pink, and you hold your breath. But if I weren’t pointing all those things out then you’d try and hide it. I don’t want you to hide from me, Becca. You spent eight years doing that.”

  Was he saying that he knew I had feelings for him all along? But he’d never tried anything? I didn’t want to talk but now I didn’t know if I could listen either. Frankly, I was growing more vulnerable by the minute. This was a lot to take in. I just needed to turn around, send him out, and go upstairs to sleep.

  As I turned, he gripped my wrist.

  “You’re not running from me, Becca. I sent you away once without knowing and I’m not here to do that again, nor do I want you to keep running from me. I didn’t mean to kick you out even after you’d told me about your dad. I don’t know why I didn’t go after you like I should’ve, but I can’t change that.”

  I didn’t bother to yank free from him; he’d just pull back harder. But he pulled anyway, making me stumble back against his chest. His soaked shirt was pressed against my semi-wet shirt, but it still sent a shiver through my body.

  His lips were right by my ear. I could feel his breath against my skin and those shivers turned into goosebumps. “I’m not good with words, shit, you know this,” he continued. I felt his arms tighten around my waist. “And I don’t have to use them with you, but I want to, I need to. You know how I operate, but when I’m around you, it’s only you, it doesn’t matter who else is around me. It’s been like that since the first time I met you and you probably didn’t know that because you were blind to see it. Because you didn’t believe someone like me would even be interested in you.”

  His words were hitting home. I didn’t feel worthy of someone’s love, except my dad’s. My fucking mother screwed that shit up for me. If your own mother doesn’t want you then why would someone else?

  My vision was blurry, my heart was breaking, and I didn’t want it to shatter completely. “James, stop.” I couldn’t take anymore. I was so confused. I wanted out. I wanted out of everything.

  I tried to break free from his hold but he just held tighter. “Stop fucking fighting, Becca. I know you’re hurt because of everything that’s going on in your life, but I also know that you’re upset about me being in a relationship. It was your idea, remember? How do you think I felt every time someone placed their lips on yours? Or when they were holding your hand? When they made you smile, when it wasn’t me? I’m not the soppy romantic kind of guy, and I know that’s what you want. I can offer give flaws, and fuck ups, which I have got a lot of, but you’re the only one who accepted those things in me, and stuck up for me. I don’t know why you did,” he rambled. He even had the nerve to giggle softly.

  “So, you’re blaming me for being in a relationship when you didn’t have the balls to be with me?” There, I’d said it. I’d let it out. I didn’t care if he wanted me to be quiet. It wasn’t fucking fair. “I always wanted to be with you. Is that what you want me to say? I always wanted you even when you were fucking around, sleeping with any woman with a pair of legs. My father is dying and you’re running through my thoughts at the same time. Why is that?”

  “I’m not telling you this to argue with you, Becca.” His voice was soft now. “I’m saying this to you because I can’t just turn around and go back home, not without you knowing how I truly feel. I don’t know what changed, what made me see it. Maybe the ability to see it came with getting older. But I see it now. I see that I fell in love with you the moment I first saw you.”

  JAMES

  It felt good to let something out that I’d been holding in for so long. I didn’t even know why I hadn’t tried this earlier, but I should’ve. I was trying something new with Juliana, but I wasn’t sure of it. I liked the girl but the feelings I felt for her were nothing to how I feel for Becca. The feelings I had just exposed to Becca were not something I would’ve been able to say to Juliana. Not by a long shot. Sure, I fucked around before her and had fun, but that’s all it was. To have fun, nothing special, and I wanted nothing more out of it. You know they say not to let your first love slip away because it might never happen again? Well, I’d known mine for quite some time now, and I knew she’d slip away. She had a few times in the past, and I might have slipped away too for a little while. But we always found our way back together.

  We were fucking magnets.

  Magnets that refused to break apart, no matter who or what was in our way. But to say the word ‘love’ was unlike me. People use it like it’s nothing nowadays, lessening the meaning behind it. Its overuse means it’s less believable. I didn’t believe in the word, not as much as I believed in the feeling.

  So when I told Becca that I had fallen in love with her, she stopped moving. Hell, she probably stopped breathing. I just hoped she didn’t pass out. But she had to know.

  “What did you say?” she asked, breathless. Great, she was going to make me repeat it.

  So at that moment, with her back to my chest, I swung her around to face me. She didn’t protest and her eyes fell on mine with tears running down her face. Shit, I didn’t want her to cry; she’d done more than enough of that lately. Lifting my hands, I lightly grabbed her cheeks as my thumbs wiped at the tears on her face. Her hair was still dripping wet, plus, we had created an enormous puddle underneath us. She looked like the cutest little Rudolph, with her nose getting all red and stuffy. Bending my head a little, I made sure to look into her beautiful, morning sky-filled eyes before I let her know. It was probably all wrong, on so many different levels, since I was technically still in a relationship, but I couldn’t control my feelings around the person who had owned my heart for so long. I had been in denial from the beginning, but not anymore. What had brought on this sudden change? I couldn’t tell you.

  Her eyes dropped; she was trying to hide. “Look at me, Becca.”

  I could tell that the wheels in her head were spinning from her body movement. She didn’t know what she wanted to do. But she eventually looked up at me, because she felt it too. She fucking pierced me with those eyes, making me want to fall to my knees.

  I took a deep breath. “What I’m trying to say is that I want you. All of you. All of your flaws, your attitude, sarcasm, smiles, tears, happiness, even your fuck
ing sadness. I want to be here for you, not just now, but always. So many times I have let you slip away, but not anymore. I’m taking a stand. I want to be your best friend and lover. I want to be the air you breathe. I need you in my life because I love you. You’re my one in seven billion.”

  Fuck, I’d just put my heart on the table, something I’d told myself I would never do. My heart was going crazy in my chest and I had those weird feelings in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want to disappoint her of all people. This was the girl that held my heart. Looking at her, I was pretty sure I’d put her in a state of shock. My thumbs were going back and forth on her cheeks. They were so smooth, I could touch her all day, every day, and still I’d want more.

  The tears that I’d wiped away were back, but I didn’t know if they were sad or happy tears. I kissed them away anyways. Then she lifted her hands and covered mine on her cheeks. Fuck, she was going to pull away. She had too much shit on her plate to deal with this. Why did I have to say this now? Not too long ago I’d had phone sex with my girlfriend. If she knew that she would have kicked me in the nuts and sent me out.

  But then, she smiled.

  It was a weak smile but it was something, something good, I hoped.

  She opened her mouth a few times but quickly closed it. Lost for words. That had to be a good thing, I hoped. Fuck, I was nervous having to wait for her to say something, hoping for some type of sign besides a smile.

  After a few more minutes of thoughts running through her head, probably decisions too, she told me, “I’m at a loss for words.” Her voice was shaky, nervous. Should I be too? “I’ve been trying to avoid my feelings for you for so long. I was petrified to be around you, but it’s all I wanted to do. I always thought you looked at me like the sister you never had. So much shit has happened these past few weeks, with the last week being…unpredictable. My world is going to change forever and I don’t know how to handle that. Even with everything that is going on, I shouldn’t be, but I think about you all the time. You seem to slip into my every thought, even when you don’t belong there. And it’s always been like this.” She bit her lip so hard I could see her lips turn white where she was squeezing.

  “Becca, you do…”

  But she was getting me back for earlier.

  “Shut up,” she said, grinning a little. “I’m scared to fucking death because I know the type of person you are, and I think that most would say I’m crazy. But it doesn’t matter what they say, right? Because you were placed on this earth to be with me. Like, you were created to be with Rebecca. It’s written somewhere in the stars, I’m positive.” I can’t believe she said her full name. “James, I need you like a heart needs a beat and if I don’t have you I’m going to be a crazy old cat lady. But, if somehow I can’t have you as a soul mate I still need you in my life, even as a friend,” she stuttered, but when she opened her mouth it was the best. “I love you,” she said, making her beautiful lips pucker.

  Those are the three words that I’d wanted to hear from her for so long. I didn’t let another second slip by before I crashed my lips to her velvet, salty, tearstained lips.

  chapter - 13

  becca

  Was this really happening? All of my dreams came true all in one night. On a night when it shouldn’t have been happening, because who knew what would happen tomorrow? But then again, maybe that was the very reason why tonight was perfect.

  His lips were the lips that I’d been waiting for a long time to kiss. They were on mine, strong and soft at the same time. I was afraid to even joke about kissing him before, and now that it was happening I wanted to kick my own ass. I totally should have kissed him sooner than this, even if he didn’t want to kiss me.

  James wrapped one of his hands around my neck and pulled me closer to him. It was like we couldn’t get close enough, but there wasn’t any more room between us. The space was non-existent. His other arm snaked behind me, holding onto me like he never wanted to let me go, and I didn’t want him to. My arms made their way up to his biceps, squeezing them and digging my nails into them. The feel of his muscles under my skin ignited that flame that had been sitting there for far too long. Then, without thinking, I moved my hands even higher until I grabbed a handful of hair. My goodness, I’d always wanted to do that.

  Our mouths opened, allowing our tongues to dance. Fuck, and I thought Grey was the best kisser ever. Nothing compared to this.

  Nothing.

  James’ tongue licked the roof of my mouth as mine licked under his tongue. The hand that was behind my neck was now in my hair, gripping it tight, not painfully, but soothingly. He sucked my lower lip then ran his tongue along it, circling up to my top lip, all the while looking at me.

  We broke away from our kiss, chests rising and falling quickly. I was thirsty for him. It was like he was an animal. He probably thought that he was the lion, but what he didn’t know was that the lioness is the one who runs things. I had loved this man for so long, not knowing that he had those same feelings for me. How could somebody so perfect, like him, be interested in me?

  Before he could try for another make-out session it was my turn to grab his cheeks. I felt a little stubble, maybe two days worth of hair. And I just stared at him. I stared at that wonderful pain in the ass man. That man who’d been in my life for so long now, I didn’t know what to do if I ever lost him. He was never like a brother to me, even though he’d been my best friend. And yes, I was that pathetic chick who loved her best friend, I mean, look at him. He might not have been the romantic, lovey type, but he was all I ever wanted. I’d take all the flaws and mistakes.

  As I stared into his deep-sea eyes I couldn’t help but think of how it’d been all these years. How do you let someone slip through your fingers? I mean, I knew why I had personally, but what could he have possibly been afraid of? His smile was perfection, and that dimple made it that much sexier. With his hands on my waist, reality snapped back and I dropped my hands.

  He frowned. “What’s wrong?” he asked me.

  I shake my head. “You’re still in a relationship and I…we just kissed.” He laughed his James laugh. “How is that funny? How can you tell me the things you have while being in a relationship?” I didn’t want to break what we had going on but reality had peaked its little head out.

  The laughter stopped.

  He pulled me closer by the waist. “There’s nobody, only you. It’s only ever been you. So if I want to kiss you, I’m going to kiss you. You let me worry about the rest, okay?”

  I didn’t know why, but I agreed with him. Maybe it was because we were in the middle of a moment. A moment I had been waiting forever for. I knew he had a girlfriend and in my heart I knew that things would be off with them very soon, but tonight was ours and I’d take it. That was something he had to deal with.

  “Okay,” I submitted.

  He leaned in and kissed me again, but this time it was nice and soft. It was full of all the emotions we had just spilled to each other. I placed my hand on his heart, feeling the beat, which was pretty rapid. But mine took the cake; you could probably see it if I stood still. It was all over my body.

  Pulling away, he dropped his hands to mine and dragged me upstairs. Oh my goodness, this was not going to happen right now. Did I say no? Did I go along with it? Live like it’s your last? I didn’t know. When we reached the top step he let go of my hands and went into the bathroom. When he came out he had a towel wrapped around himself and another that he draped around me. He grabbed my hand again and led me to my room. The room that he’d been in over a hundred times, but now it felt weird. The moment was cloaked in awkwardness. I mean, we had just had the kiss of all kisses downstairs and now we were stood in front of bed. He must have sensed my nervousness because he stood in front of me, smiling.

  “It’s not what you think. Take your mind out of the gutter,” he said, grinning.

  Smartass.

  He had the towel over his head, rubbing it back and forth as he dried his semi-wet hair
. As he did that, I went over to my dresser. I set my phone on top of it as I patted my hair dry too. Turning my phone on, I saw that it was 1:02am. Thank goodness it had been inside the back of my jeans while my jacket covered it or it would’ve been damaged from the rain. And no wonder I was fucking exhausted. Looking down, I noticed there was a text message. I opened it.

  Emma: Hey love, stop fucking ignoring me or whatever it is that u r doing. (12:13am)

  She was another that I needed to explain things to. We were graduating soon and I wanted her to know why I had been the way I had been. She had been my rock when James wasn’t around, or should I say, since he’d left. Talking about leaving, what would happen with that?

  I’d text Emma later.

  I closed my phone and left it on the dresser. I went inside my drawer and took out my pajama shorts, tank top, and a sports bra. I walked by him so I could go to the bathroom to change. It’d been a long day and sleep was something I needed, and soon. To think all of this had happened within the last two days. It was too much to handle when I was so exhausted, even with the good sleep I’d managed to get in earlier. Hopefully James would stay so I could finally get some sleep.

  “Where are you going,” he asked me, as he saw me leaving the room.

  I held up my clothes to let him know I wanted to change. He just nodded, and I walked out. In the bathroom, I let the water run in the sink. I needed to splash some water on my face from the surreal outcome I’d just experienced. The icy water felt so good against my warm face. God, when we kissed, my whole body ignited. It was a good thing I wasn’t made of air because I would’ve floated high, high, high. To think that all I’d wanted was to kiss him, and now it’d actually happened. It felt unreal.