by Chuck Kinder
What about the past, Alice Ann? Ralph said. —We just can’t forget our sordid past, with all its trials and tribulations.
What’s important is what we do now, from here on out. We’ll live in the present and future. We’ll set goals. Common goals.
What kind of goals? Ralph said. —I’ll admit it, Alice Ann, talk like that gets me edgy. You talk about goals, and things like preachers and fund-raising and football pop into my mind. It’s crazy, I know, but there it is.
I mean little things, Alice Ann said. —Just doing little things in our life differently. At first. To get started on a new road. Things like watching our health more. Getting some exercise. Really. Things like that. We could start taking walks. Long, brisk strolls after dinner together. Maybe start hiking in the woods on weekends. Who knows. Maybe later really getting back to nature. Backpacking into the high country eventually.
You must be going crazy, Alice Ann, Ralph said.
We could both quit smoking, Alice Ann said. —Now, that’s something we really could do. We’ll set a date and then just do it together, cold turkey. We’ll encourage each other, Ralph. Give each other moral support. We’ll be the two Mouseketeers of moral support, Ralph.
What about those two criminal children at home? Ralph said.
We’ll cut back on the booze, too, Alice Ann said. —Think of the money we could save. We’ll open a savings account. We’ll take the kids on family vacations.
Sure, Ralph said, maybe take those criminal children back¬packing into the high country with us.
I mean all of this, Ralph, Alice Ann said. —I do. We’ll take family vacations. We’ll go to places like, I don’t know, the Grand Canyon maybe. Carlsbad Caverns, wherever they are. Places like that. Disneyland. We’ll take the kids to Disneyland.
Alice Ann, honey, the boy is fifteen years old, Ralph said. —And he’s a hood. Your daughter is sixteen, Alice Ann, and she’s a hood-ette. The only way we could get those kids to go to Disneyland is high as kites on acid.
I want to take my children to Disneyland, Alice Ann said. —I’ve never even been to Disneyland myself. I’ve lived in this state all these years and not once has anybody ever taken me to Disneyland, Ralph. I want to take our kids to Disneyland, Ralph, and I want us to get a bumper sticker to prove it. We have to make a commitment to each other right now, Ralph, a vow. To take our children to Dis-neyland as soon as we get back on our feet.
Don't tell me you’re drunk already, Ralph said. —Alice Ann, it’s not even seven yet.
Before it’s too late for us, Ralph. And we lose them for good. Are you willing to make this vow with me, Ralph? Here and now. I mean it, Ralph. Right this minute. If you still love me at all, you will. If you don’t love me anymore at all, then you just don’t. But if you love me, you’ll make this vow.
Yes, Jesus Christ, yes, Ralph said. —Right. Wow. Disneyland. You got it. It’s done. The check’s in the mail. Disneyland is in the mail.
Take me seriously, Ralph, Alice Ann said.
I am, Ralph said. —I do.
2
Alice Ann stood up then at poolside and dove into the water. She swam underwater slowly to the pool’s shallow end, where she surfaced in the spray from the Cupid fountain. She stood up and turned slowly, letting the spray fall over her body. She tilted her head back and let the spray splash over her face. She opened her mouth and let it fill with spray. Ralph followed the arc of water from the Cupid’s pursed mouth to his wife’s mouth. Alice Ann cupped her hands beneath her breasts. Water ran in thin streams from the corners of her mouth. Ralph turned off the radio. He heard sudden laughter from somewhere behind him and he jerked around in his chair.
What’s the matter? Alice Ann said.
Nothing, Ralph said.
Ralph stood up and peered about. He could feel his heart racing. He sat down.
Is somebody coming? Alice Ann said.
I don’t know. I heard something. I don’t see anybody. Haven’t you had enough of that water? You’ll look like a prune.
Alice Ann breaststroked back to poolside near Ralph. Between the slight separation in her front teeth Alice Ann spit a long, thin arc of water toward Ralph.
Hey there, Ralph said, and scooted his chair back. —You got my shoes all wet.
Oh, bullshit, Ralph, Alice Ann said. —Come on in. The water’s ripe and right.
I have a headache coming on. A migraine, Ralph said. Ralph turned the radio on and bent toward it.
I still say it’s your diet, sweetie, believe me, Alice Ann said. She jangled her glass at Ralph and he bent to reach for it. He filled it with ice and whiskey and handed it back to her. Alice Ann took a long drink, then crunched an ice cube between her teeth.
I wish you’d go on that karma-cleaning diet I learned about at the Zen Garage, Alice Ann said. —You’d be a new man in no time.
I don’t want to be a new man, Ralph said. —I just want to be the old me. The way I used to be. Back then.
Back when, honey?
I don’t know. Back when I was about two or three, I guess. Back before all of this, anyway, Ralph said, and slowly waved his glass about him.
I think the worst is over, sweetie, Alice Ann said. —We’ve suf-fered, sure. But we’re going to start getting some good out of this incarnation, Ralph. Both of us. I know it. And we’re going to be made stronger for all our suffering in the long run. If not in this life, then in the next. We have to work off our karmic debts, that’s all.
Alice Ann, would you just answer me something? Ralph said. —And don’t fly off the handle, okay, please. This is just a simple, honest question. What’s with you and those zen-birds, anyway? Where do they get off, Alice Ann? Just answer me that.
You never fail to amaze me, Ralph.
I just don't understand those birds, Ralph said. —I'll admit it. All right, so it's me being plain old ignorant. Maybe that's it. I don’t know. But I honestly think they’re all a bunch of nuts.
You are ignorant, Ralph, Alice Ann said. —You’re right about that, anyway.
All right. All right. I’ve admitted it. I’ve said it out loud. So set me straight. Explain things to me. I’m willing to learn. Really. Okay, explain India to me, for instance. You take India. Over in India people are starving, right? Everybody knows that. It’s a known fact. Starving people over in India. So, okay, explain cows over in India to me, Alice Ann.
Cows, Ralph?
Cows, you bet, Ralph said. —See, you don’t have an easy answer for that one, do you? You could fill Texas twice over with all the cows they have roaming around over there in India. Cows roaming the streets. Cows all over the sidewalks. Cow poop everywhere. Cow pee. It’s just awful. And you know why, Alice Ann? You want me to explain those cows to you?
I've tried everything to get you to expand your horizons, Ralph. There is a spiritual dimension to this world. You simply won't let yourself open up to new possibilities. You live in a closed system, Ralph.
Those people over there in India are starving, as we've estab-lished, but do you think they'd have the good sense to barbecue up some grade-A beef? Not on your life. Because they believe one of those bovines might be their dead daddy returned to life on the hoof. Amazing. My dad has been dead for years. I bet I’ve put away ten thousand hamburgers since my dad passed, and I’ll tell you something, Alice Ann. I’m not one bit worried. You’ll never in a million years convince me I ever took a bite out of Dad.
The final thing about you, Ralph, is you don’t want to probe new possibilities. You don’t have the imagination for it. And your stories suffer for it, too.
Leave my stories out of this, Ralph said. —My stories don’t have a thing to do with this business.
Your stories are out of it, Ralph, Alice Ann said. —And this is the reason why. You don’t have the . . . No, you won’t let your imagination probe deeply enough. You won’t let your imagina¬tion seek the deeper mysteries in this world of veils. That’s why your stories are about colorless people going about the business
of their mundane, colorless lives. There is no spiritual dimension to your stories, Ralph. And more’s the pity.
That’s crazy, Alice Ann, Ralph said.—Just utter nonsense.
It’s true. It is. Malignancies, Ralph. Malignancies make up your stories. And bad karma. And that is one reason I pity you.
You pity me? Ralph said. —Now there’s a laugh. What about those Zen looneybirds over there in India who walk around with nails in their dicks? Don’t deny it, Alice Ann! It’s a true feet. That’s just what some of your Zen pals do, Alice Ann. They pound nails through their dicks, then roam around the countryside carrying these begging bowls. You’d never catch me giving a guy with a nail in his dick anything. I see a guy with a nail in his dick and I’m gone in the opposite direction. You call that spiritual? Are those the kinds of nuts you think I should write about? That’s what is pa¬thetic. You’ll never convince me in a million years that pounding a nail through your dick is any way to worship God.
Well, Ralph, I’ll bet it keeps them out of trouble, anyway, don’t you agree? Alice Ann said.
There! Ralph said. —There it is! I knew it. I knew all day you were just waiting to drag up dirt. That nice picnic didn’t fool me a minute, Alice Ann. All that fried chicken, done to a turn. That tasty potato salad. I knew all along you were just waiting to catch me off guard and nail me good.
That’s not true, Ralph. I mean it.
That’s a likely story. We weren’t going to bring up old business, I thought. We agreed, I thought. That business was dead and buried, I thought.
You’re right, Ralph, Alice Ann said. —Would you believe me if I told you I was sorry?
What? Ralph said. —What?
Would you believe me if I told you I was sorry?
I don’t understand this, Ralph said.
Would you believe me if I told you I have never been unfaithful to you?
What? Ralph said. —What is this, one of your trick questions?
No, Alice Ann said. She drained her drink and placed the glass at poolside. She pushed off backward and floated to the center of the pool, where she treaded water.
You’ve got me all worked up now, Ralph said. He turned up the radio and poured more whiskey into his glass.
So what’s the score? Alice Ann said. She breaststroked back to poolside.
I don’t have the first idea.
Freshen my drink, too, Alice Ann said. She handed her glass to Ralph, and when he returned it, she drank deeply. —I may as well tell you something, Ralph.
Tell me something? Ralph said. —What? Tell me what?
You’re not going to be very happy about this, Ralph.
Jesus, don’t tell me, then. No, yes, tell me. Go ahead. Jesus, Alice Ann.
You’d find out sooner or later, anyway, Ralph. In fact, you may already know about it. God knows. But in case not, you may as well hear it from my lips.
Oh Christ, Alice Ann! You have me all worked up now. Just tell me and get it over with. Just do it!
Ralph, I wrote your girlfriend a letter.
What was that? Ralph said. He turned off the radio.
You heard me, Ralph.
Jesus Christ, Alice Ann! Jesus, what possessed you? That old business is dead and buried.
It is now, Alice Ann said. She took another long drink.
What in the world did you say? Alice Ann, I don’t understand. What did you write her, Alice Ann?
Nothing but the truth, Alice Ann said, and smiled sweetly. —The truth about us, Ralph.
Alice Ann swam backward across the pool, then returned breaststroking. Ralph turned the radio back on, loud.
When she reached poolside, Alice Ann said, Why don’t you go get into your swimsuit, sweetie? You need the exercise.
I didn’t bring any swimsuit. I don’t even own a swimsuit.
Well, we always have our birthday suits, sweetie, Alice Ann said. She undid her halter top and tossed it toward Ralph.
Are you going crazy, Alice Ann! Ralph said, and jumped up. He waved his hands at her. —Stop this, Alice Ann! Stop this!
Alice Ann bent beneath the water and tugged off her bikini bottoms. She swung them around over her head and threw them toward the nearest peacock among the flowering bushes. Ralph ran to them. He ran holding the bikini bottoms before him to the pool’s edge. —Here, Alice Ann! Here! Ralph gasped, and shook them violently before her face. —Do you want to go to jail?
We’re an old married couple, Ralph. We’ve seen each other naked a million times over the long years, Alice Ann said. She pushed off backward again from the poolside and floated to the center. Her nipples looked black in the vegetal light. Ralph watched the smooth muscles of her stomach and thighs flex. At some point in the last few weeks Alice Ann had, with no explana¬tion, begun shaving her pubic hair.
There’s somebody coming, Ralph said. He glanced about behind him. —Really, Alice Ann. It’s probably the manager, Alice Ann. Jesus Christ, Alice Ann, this has got to stop somewhere. This is crazy, Alice Ann. Crazy.
Alice Ann arched backward into a dive and disappeared beneath the water. Ralph threw the bikini bottoms into the water after her. He kicked the halter top in, too. He turned away and then turned back and kicked her glass into the pool. Ralph stumbled to his chair and sat down heavily. He pressed his finger¬tips against his temples and shut his eyes. Somehow he would call Lindsay and try to tell her his side of things again. Give the lie to Alice Ann’s letter, and to those horrible half-truths that asshole Jim Stark had told her. Tonight. Somehow.
Ralph stood up suddenly and hurried to the edge of the pool. He stared down into the pale red water. He knelt down at the poolside. Ralph braced himself as best he could, and he bent as far out over the water as he dared.
Alice Ann had been sound asleep when loud voices from the hallway stirred her. After a moment she remembered where she was, but she lay still with her eyes shut. She felt small and safe in this enormous bed, which continued to vibrate from the fist¬ful of quarters they had stuffed into the slot on its headboard earlier in the evening for hours of healthful, fingertip toning touch.
Alice Ann and Ralph had paid an arm and a leg for this suite, and why not? What did it matter, she had asked Ralph. Even bankrupts deserve a bone. She had borrowed the money from a friend at the community college where she taught English and drama, so the debt was hers and hers alone. For the price of this suite a complimentary Continental breakfast was included, so tomorrow morning Alice Ann planned to put that one o'clock courtroom business out of her mind and pig out, while Ralph would suck one of his screwdrivers.
Alice Ann stretched and felt around for Ralph. The sheets on his side of the bed were still damp with champagne. Alice Ann had given Ralph a champagne-and-tongue bath, had licked champagne from his belly button. Alice Ann opened one of her eyes and peeked about. Across the darkened bedroom the huge color television screen was a silent red, white, and blue rippling American flag. The bathroom was dark. Alice Ann got out of bed and put on her robe. She heard her name called from the hallway.
Unhand my husband! Alice Ann screamed at the burly uniformed guard who had Ralph in a headlock in the hallway. Ralph, naked as the day he was born, was squirming and wiggling in the big man's clutches and trying to call out for her, but his voice was mostly muffled in a coat sleeve. —Alice Ann, help! Ralph gasped.
Remove your fucking hands from my husband this instant! Alice Ann screamed at the guard.
Listen, lady, the guard grunted, as he wrestled around with Ralph, falling against a wall.
That gentleman is my husband, Alice Ann said. —Now get your fucking hands off of him, please.
Jesus, lady, the guard grunted.
He’s got me in a hold! Ralph croaked. —He jumped me by surprise, Alice Ann. Alice Ann, help me!