Forbidden Lessons

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Forbidden Lessons Page 7

by Noël Cades


  "Yes."

  "I’m not a schoolboy, Laura. I can’t have a relationship with you on those terms. It’s all or nothing."

  He was trying to scare her, to put her off. He wanted her to be the one to decide against this, to run away.

  To spare them both.

  But the sight of him, the smell of his skin, the thought of his hands on her, the thought of just being with him overtook her.

  "It’s still yes."

  He stood and brought her to him again, kissing her more tenderly this time. It was gentle, exploring her, his tongue intertwining with hers, promising what was to come.

  Then he broke off and became more businesslike. "Where are you going for exeat this weekend?"

  "To Margery’s."

  "Can you cancel? Come and stay with me. When everyone’s leaving, come to the cottage. I’ll be there before you as I don’t have a class at the end of the day."

  What was she going to tell Margery?

  "Okay."

  "If you can’t manage it or you change your mind it’s okay. Just let me know."

  "I won’t change my mind."

  * * *

  The rest of the week passed agonisingly slowly, in a different kind of limbo. Laura was carrying this huge secret but she had to sit through German classes with him as normal. A couple of times when he glanced at her she thought she saw a question in his eyes. He was uncertain as well. They were both getting into something unknown.

  Margery was very disappointed when Laura withdrew from their plans. Laura managed to imply, without actually stating it, that she was instead going to stay with Mr and Mrs Jones, the guardian couple in town.

  "I can’t think why you want to visit them all of a sudden. Yes I do. It’s a boy, isn’t it?"

  Laura felt ashamed for deceiving Margery. "Sort of."

  "It either is or it isn’t. It’s that boy from St Duncan’s, the one you write to. I hope he’s worth it." Margery was still bitter over the Pudding.

  "I really am sorry Margery. I can’t fully explain."

  "What you mean is that you don’t think I’ll understand."

  Laura vowed to herself that she would tell Margery eventually. She hated keeping secrets this important from her friends. But she had no choice. The risk one was thing. But her own conflicted emotions also held her back. Until she had figured out her own feelings she couldn’t bring herself to tell them.

  * * *

  Teresa Hubert, who always had an eye for stirring the pot, noticed that Margery was glum and withdrawn. She didn’t care for Margery at all but thought there might be advantage in extending friendship.

  Margery was not quite so easily won. Teresa had been spiteful towards her since the fourth form so she didn’t trust her at all.

  Sidling up to her between classes one morning Teresa tried to open a conversation. "What are you doing for exeat? Did you invite Laura again?"

  It wasn’t any of Teresa’s business but Margery was piqued by Laura’s change of plans. "No, she had to stay with her town guardians."

  "How odd," said Teresa, scenting opportunity. "She always stays with you, doesn’t she?"

  Margery knew when Teresa was digging and didn’t rise to the bait. Even if Laura had flaked out on her she was still her friend.

  "What are you wearing to the formal?" Teresa asked, changing the subject. She strongly suspected that Margery wouldn’t have anything appropriate. Whenever they were in mufti - out of school uniform - Margery always looked very frumpy.

  "I haven’t decided yet."

  "I expect that Susie Clarke will wear something tarty. She’s quite a slag, isn’t she?"

  Margery was not yet loyal enough to Susie to defend her to the fullest, particularly as she had felt shut out by her friendship with Charlotte. And recently she seemed as thick as thieves with Laura.

  "I really wouldn’t know," she said, not taking a position.

  Teresa smiled nastily, and left.

  * * *

  Charlotte was starting to excel at hockey. Something had clicked with her, mentally and physically, and she had gone from being a good player to exceptional.

  Unbeknownst to Miss Partridge it was Charlotte’s dalliance with the St Duncan’s boys that had triggered the change. Julian, the boy who had flirted with her, was the school rugby captain. He had even written to her a couple of times which had been flattering though she suspected she wasn’t the only iron in his fire.

  Charlotte was naturally competitive. Julian’s attention not only gave her confidence but it made her want to match his success.

  It was a wild dream for a Lower School girl to make the First Eleven hockey team though it had been achieved in the past. And the Seconds were certainly achievable even if the current team was composed entirely of sixth formers.

  Charlotte knew fewer girls liked to play on the left wing so she yielded her coveted place as right wing to Teresa Hubert and started playing on the left whenever she could. She found it harder in some ways but it also gave her a better tactical perspective.

  "What’s come over you? You’re like a machine," one of the other girls complained, struggling to keep up with her in drills.

  Charlotte had also worked on becoming fitter and faster. There were a couple of sixth form girls who did competitive cross country and trained in their spare time, so she joined them. They were hearty girls who didn’t mind if they were running with a Lower School girl so long as she didn’t hold them back.

  It didn’t take long before her hockey game began to transform. Miss Partridge had no idea what was behind Charlotte’s quantum leap in progress but she did start to think about trying her out for the senior squad.

  * * *

  Laura had decided to tell Susie about the plan to stay with Mr Rydell over exeat. She felt like she would burst if she didn’t confide in someone. She also needed reassurance or some kind of reaction since her own feelings were so confused.

  Susie was delighted when Laura revealed her secret. "A dirty weekend with a teacher!" she said. "It makes my trip to St Duncan’s seem very tame."

  Laura wanted to protest about it being called a dirty weekend but in reality she had a creeping fear inside. How far would Mr Rydell expect her to go? She remembered what he had said about "all or nothing". At the time she had been certain she wanted all, or could cope with all, but now she faltered.

  Noticing the worry in her eyes, Susie was perceptive enough to guess what it was about. "If you’re not ready, you just tell him," she said. "Just because you stay over doesn’t mean you have to go all the way. You’re not on the Pill are you?" Laura wasn’t. "Well make sure you tell him that too. You don’t want to end up like that girl everyone always goes on about."

  "Lucy Martin."

  "Yes, her."

  Laura wondered what Lucy Martin was doing now. Had she ever made it to university? She must be in her early twenties now, it seemed ancient. Then she remembered that Mr Rydell was even older than that. When she was with him his age never mattered to her. If anything it was a thrill that he was so much older and more experienced than her.

  But now she thought about Lucy Martin, and felt anxious. Was she out of her depth?

  "Don’t worry about it, I’m sure he won’t let that happen," Susie said. "You’d have more fear of that with a Dunks boy not knowing what to do."

  "You’d better be careful yourself then," Laura said, referring to Susie’s own plans to spend the weekend with Darius.

  "Like I said, it’s solely for fun. We’re not planning an orgy."

  * * *

  "Dear Diary, I don’t know if it’s safe to write my thoughts here any longer. I want to write more than ever but I find it harder and harder to write anything. And it’s not just about me anymore, is it?"

  PART II

  Falling

  We that were friends to-night have found

  A sudden fear, a secret flame:

  I am on fire with that soft sound

  You make, in uttering my name.

/>   James Elroy Flecker

  13. Losing control

  It was Friday evening and the day was drawing to a close. There was a whirl of activity as girls rushed off to be picked up by parents and guardians for the exeat. Some had to wait until Saturday morning if their parents lived further away, but school formalities were relaxed and there was a spirit of holidays.

  Laura felt strangely left out. She wasn’t sure why. She couldn’t wait to see Mr Rydell though she felt nearly sick with terror. It felt like an invisible curtain was coming down between her and everyone else, that she was moving to a place they couldn’t visit.

  Making her way up the path towards the groundsman's cottages was like walking the gauntlet. She had chosen a good moment to slip away, but it still felt as though a thousand eyes were upon her. It would only take one person to spot her and investigate and everything would be a disaster.

  But somehow, she made it.

  She knocked and he opened the door and she stepped inside. She had never been in the cottages before. The interior was quite spartan, much like their dorms. The school had apparently used similar fittings.

  It was strange to see Mr Rydell in casual clothes. Male staff at Francis Hall were required to wear a jacket and tie. Seeing him wearing something else was strange. It was like discovering another person: he had this whole other life that she knew nothing about.

  "I’m glad you made it," he said. Then his arms were around her, and they were kissing, urgently. It was a relief as much as it was wonderful. It took some of the strangeness away.

  Laura still had her thick school coat on, restricting her. He slipped his hands inside it and pulled it down off her shoulders to the floor.

  Now she was free to wrap her arms around him equally, as he again pushed her against the wall. He moved his thigh up between hers, hard, and she nearly lost her balance.

  She was pinned, she couldn’t move except to kiss him back and let him kiss her face, her neck, run his hands over her body.

  When he broke away his voice was ragged. "Christ, what you do to me. I fully intended to start by offering you a drink and just talking, but something overtakes me."

  She was breathless as well. Scared by the force of his passion and her own, and his strength and the control he had over her, but also thrilled by the way she was able to affect him.

  "What would you like? Wine? Coke? Tea?"

  She didn’t want tea because of the time it took to make it. She didn’t much like wine, but it might calm her nerves. Or she might drink too quickly and be ill. Coke seemed like the childish option.

  "Just water if you have it."

  He fetched her a glass, and they sat down on the sofa. The gas fire was identical to other ones in the school. It was disconcerting to have all these reminders.

  "This isn’t something I’ve ever done before," he said. "Crossing the line with a pupil is the most serious thing any teacher can do. I don’t know what is different about you, but from the first time I saw you I haven’t been able to get you out of my head."

  Laura could hardly speak. She managed to say "likewise".

  They were sitting apart, not touching, and she didn’t know what to do with herself except hold the glass of water.

  "Come here." He took the water out of her hand and pulled her closer to him, his arm around her.

  "You have no idea of the times I’ve seen you and had to walk away, because I feared I would do something that I would regret."

  "I used to love it when you came and talked to me," she said.

  He gave her one of his rare smiles. "Now at least we can do that without fear of the bell."

  He asked about her time at Francis Hall, her parents, what she liked and what she didn’t like. And he told her about his life, what he’d done at university, his previous jobs, his plans for the future. She was very comfortable now, resting against his side, the warmth of him next to her.

  It felt that they talked for hours, Laura lost track of the time. She was amazed how well they got on, how easy it was. Even despite the differences in age and experience they were on some same, shared level. Occasionally she worried about sounding childish but mainly it was fine. She felt, as she had felt the times before when he talked to her, that they were like co-conspirators. It was the two of them against school, against the world. They laughed at the same things, admired the same things.

  It was the little things he noticed about her that amazed her. He remembered the books he had seen her reading, even trivial things she had said. He was genuinely interested in her.

  Then he noticed it was getting late. "You must be starving." Laura realised she was. She had totally lost her appetite the past week and barely been able to eat a thing earlier in the day.

  "My plans were to cook for you and take you to bed, but I’m running behind schedule," he said.

  Her stomach flipped. He noticed the apprehension in her eyes, and sought to reassure her. "I know what I said the other day, but there’s no pressure. Just being with you and holding you is enough."

  They ate, and then he led her up the narrow stairs to the cottage’s small bedroom. It had a double bed at least.

  Afterwards when the others asked she could never remember how she took her clothes off, it was a blur. She did remember that he unbuttoned her blouse, unhooked her bra, slipped her underwear down.

  "I want to see you naked, completely mine."

  Mine. It was the first time he had said anything possessive towards her. Although she felt like they were on the same team, the two of them, it had never been expressed. She didn’t know what she was to him. It felt absurd to use a word like "boyfriend" that got used for St Duncan’s boys and the tame, pen-pal relationships they had.

  Laura felt shy but also strangely proud as he uncovered her. She was amazed that she affected him so much, her body arousing the desire that she saw in his eyes. He took her to the bed. His hands were warm on her skin, and she wanted him to run them over her body but didn’t know how to ask.

  He threw his own clothes off quickly, and lay next to her, resting on one elbow. His chest was so broad and strong, he looked so powerful. She loved it as much as it made her nervous.

  He kissed her. "You’re still a virgin, aren’t you?"

  She nodded.

  "I want you very badly but if it’s too much we can hold off. Just let me know and I’ll stop."

  She wasn’t sure what she wanted yet. She wanted him as close to her as possible but she didn’t know if it would hurt or if she was ready.

  He caressed her body, moving his hand over her left breast, playing with her nipple. No one had done this to her before. It felt unbelievably sensitive under his fingers as he teased it to hardness, and then brought his mouth down upon it.

  Laura gasped and felt her back arch towards him. It made her throb down below. She ran her hands through his hair, as he swirled his tongue around her swollen nipple. His hands caressed her waist, her stomach, moving lower to her thighs.

  Then suddenly she felt his hand move toward her inner thighs. She froze momentarily, then he slid his fingers between her folds, brushing her clitoris. No one had ever touched her there before.

  It was electric, she felt a sharp pang in her groin that shot up to her stomach. Instinctively she moaned and pushed towards his hand. His fingers were firm and knew exactly where to apply pressure.

  He raised his head from her breast. "You’re very wet."

  Laura wasn’t sure if this was good or not but he smiled so she figured it must be.

  She had a brief flashback to class and the image of him standing at the blackboard, instructing them. Mr Rydell, their teacher. And now he was touching her in the most intimate places and in the most intimate way, with something of the same decisiveness and authority. He was instructing her, instructing her body.

  He took her hand and moved it onto him. She had no idea how warm and hard he would feel, nothing they’d learnt in Biology or speculated about in the dorm had prepared her for this. Her
fingers could barely wrap around it. She couldn’t imagine there was any way they could actually do it.

  But he shifted up so he was leaning over her, and pushed her thighs apart with his knees.

  His eyes were dark with desire. He had promised her he would stop, but he clearly wanted this. The thought flashed through her mind that he might not stop even if she did resist.

  She felt him pressing against her opening, her wetness helping him in. It hurt - he was so large - and she bit her lip to stop herself crying out. She tried to shift back to ease the pressure but his hands were gripping her hips and holding her against him, not letting her get away.

  "I want to be your first," he said, looking deep into her eyes.

  He pushed into her and the pain increased, and yet she wanted it. She wanted to do this. She wanted him closer to her, as close as possible, for him to take possession of her. He withdrew a little and she relaxed, closed her eyes, and then he pressed into her again.

  At some point there was a particularly sharp pain, and around this time his lips were on hers before she could cry out, and then against her neck, and he was saying her name.

  Then holding her tightly, almost crushing her as his hard, muscular chest pressed against her breasts, he thrust forward and they were finally joined. She was sore and it throbbed but he was with her, in her, fully.

  He waited for a few moments, holding her still, until he felt her relax. Then very gently he withdrew a small way and pushed back into her. He repeated this until it was moving more easily for them both. The pain was less now, there was more of a numbness, but she felt a fullness inside her that replaced it.

  He shifted his weight, and with a new angle his pelvis pressed against her, hitting just the right place each time he ground into her. It made her push back against his thrusts, meeting him in return.

 

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