by Olivia Evans
“What are you saying?”
“I want to tell you everything. I want you to know me. All of me. I want you in every part of my life.”
Fat, salty tears rolled down Josie’s cheeks as relief washed over her. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you.”
Anders pulled in a cleansing breath, his legs bouncing with nervous energy. He felt exposed and raw and he’d yet to utter a word. Focusing his eyes on his hands, he began to speak. “I wasn’t always like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been the nicest guy in the world, but the guy you know, he used to be okay. Sort of.”
“Way to talk yourself up. You’re great at selling yourself.”
Anders narrowed his eyes, but Josie’s over-the-top innocent expression caused his lips to twitch. “Shut up.” He chuckled. “I suck at this shit, okay?”
“No arguments here.”
“God, you’re such a smart-ass.” Anders rolled his eyes but couldn’t help feeling relieved at her attempt to make him more comfortable.
“I had a pretty normal childhood. My parents did the best they could, I guess. We weren’t wealthy, but I think we did okay. The neighborhood I grew up in didn’t have a lot of kids. It was mainly older couples whose kids had already moved away. All except one.
“I remember the first time I saw her. She was this scrawny thing with long dark hair tangled in knots and legs covered in bruises. She introduced herself as Eva and said I was going to be her friend or else.” Anders shook his head at the memory, wondering what had happened to that girl.
“Of course, I told her I didn’t hang out with girls and to get away from me. There might not have been other kids in the neighborhood, but no way was I going to play with a girl. When I got home later that afternoon, there she was. Her parents went to school with mine, and they’d just moved back from a mission trip. My mom scolded me and said she’d taught me better than to be disrespectful to a girl, which is a fucking lie, but whatever. Anyway, Eva refused to go away, and over time we became friends. She became my best friend.” Anders peeked at Josie and found her expression etched with concern.
“All through middle school we were inseparable. Then one day I noticed the color of her eyes. I noticed how her face had slimmed and her body had changed. I didn’t see her as the same annoying brat I met all those years ago. It was our freshman year of high school when I kissed her. Nothing spectacular, just the fumbling attempts of a teenage boy. The transition from friend to girlfriend just happened. It felt so natural. She was my first everything.”
Raking a hand through his hair, Anders sighed and closed his eyes. It hurt him to remember those days when they were young, stupid kids who thought they were invincible.
“Our junior year of high school, everything changed. Her dad decided to take another mission trip. Egypt. She was moving to Egypt. She begged her parents to let her stay with my family, but they wouldn’t budge. A few weeks later, she left. I’d never felt so lost and alone in my life.” Anders’ eyes caught Josie’s, his expression so open, so soft. “At least at the time.” His meaning was clear and Josie’s eyes stung as she nodded in understanding.
“We kept in touch for a while, but like most things, life got in the way. My mom worried I was moping too much, so her solution was for me to audition for a local commercial. It surprised us both when I got the part. That was sort of the beginning of the end, if that makes sense. Everything I thought I wanted to do with my life was out the window. I loved acting. I loved the camera and the atmosphere. Over time I forgot about what I had lost and instead focused on what I’d found. My parents supported my decision not to go to college when I graduated. I’m sure that had something to do with the extra money I was bringing in and the money they wouldn’t have to fork out for college, but at the time I was blind to all that.
“I started getting more and more parts. First commercials, then TV shows and small indie movie roles. That’s when I met Nathan. He’d taken an interest in me, and my parents were more than happy to sign him as my agent. It meant more exposure, which translated to more money. I moved out on my own, got a shitty studio apartment in West Hollywood, and thought it was the big time. But no matter how much I worked, no matter how many jobs I had, I never seemed to make ends meet. I finally went to Nathan because nothing added up. After a little digging, we found out why. My parents were skimming. Well, skimming is putting it mildly. They were draining my account. Taking every penny they could. I couldn’t believe it. They were my parents, and they were stealing from me? I didn’t want to believe it, but it was all right there, every withdrawal, every purchase, every vacation.
“I confronted them. They couldn’t deny it. They didn’t even try to explain themselves, so I cut them off. I closed any account with their name on it and changed my phone number. I was done with them. Nathan helped. He supported my decision. He was more of a parent to me than my own had been in years. It helped, but I was alone all over again.
“When I was twenty-one, I met Owen.” Anders chuckled at the memory and shook his head. “He was just as fucking crazy then as he is now. We became friends immediately. He didn’t want anything from me. He had his own money. I trusted him. He was genuine. About a year later, I got my break. I scored the lead role in a movie that no one thought would amount to anything, but it surprised everyone. Suddenly I was relevant. Everywhere I went, people surrounded me. They all wanted to be my friend, but it felt so fake and manufactured. I’d never been surrounded by so many people and still felt so alone.
“That’s when things changed again. My parents begged for my forgiveness. They wanted to be a part of my life and promised they didn’t want anything. They said they missed me. I was skeptical. I didn’t trust them. Then one day after filming, I came home and my world was turned upside down.
“Sitting in front of my door with a small bag was Eva. Even though I hadn’t seen her face in six years, I would have recognized her anywhere. It was surreal. She was an untainted connection to my past that filled a hole I didn’t even realize existed. She told me she was modeling. A struggling model, but a model nonetheless. I understood. I’d been there. When she said she missed me, that she’d thought about me all the time, I didn’t hesitate to pick up where we left off. She asked if I could help get her foot in the door with some modeling agencies and I agreed without question. Owen hated her. I thought it was because I stopped going out with him. I never considered it was because he saw something I didn’t. It was one of my many mistakes back then.
“She moved in with me. Then one day I came home and found her with this guy. She told me his name was Nicholas and he was her friend from Egypt, that he’d come with her to America and they were just friends. Alarm bells went off in my head. I felt on edge, like something wasn’t right. But then he spoke and he was so feminine. He asked me if I could hook him up with Owen. I remember laughing in his face, part incredulity but mostly relief. We became friends and the three of us did everything together. Our lives seemed perfect.
“Eva begged me to talk to my parents. I should have said no, but my relationship with her had softened my anger toward them. When she suggested we all have dinner, I agreed. It was awkward at first, but over time we began to rebuild our relationship. They seemed different, sincere. They never asked for anything. When Eva suggested I buy them a new car, I didn’t hesitate. When she thought sending them on a romantic vacation was a good idea, I agreed. I even bought them a new house. I was such a fucking fool.
“I’d just bought a house for myself when my latest movie hit the promotion stage. That’s when everything began to spiral out of control. We had no privacy, no freedom. People followed us everywhere. Eva seemed unphased. Actually, she seemed to enjoy the attention, but I hated it. I tried not to feel bitter, though. It was better than not having anyone care about the movie at all, right? That was until Levi came into the picture. He was everywhere. It was like he had nothing better to do but follow me and Eva around. We had words more than a few times, but there wasn’t an
ything I could do, ya know? He wasn’t breaking any laws, just my balls.
“When I left LA for my interviews, it was a relief. I wanted to get away from the hassle of the paps. I thought once I left, they’d leave Eva alone. I was wrong. Levi became obsessed with her, with us. He followed her everywhere. Then one day I got a call from Nathan. He told me things were about to get ugly. In all the scenarios I had imagined, I never in a million years thought that it would be what actually happened.” Anders chuckled, the sound humorless and hollow.
“Turned out Nicholas wasn’t so gay after all. As a matter of fact, he was so not gay that he was fucking my girlfriend, and Levi had gotten pictures of them together. They’d played me. My girlfriend―my best friend―and the guy I’d thought was my friend too. He was never my friend. He was an opportunistic asshole who let the woman he claimed to love fuck me night after night so he could reap the benefits.”
“Anders,” Josie choked, her throat tight. “I’m so sorry.”
“Oh, I’m not done yet,” he interrupted, his words bitter and angry. “It gets better. When I confronted her, I found out she didn’t act alone. My parents, they were in some financial trouble. They met up with her when she moved back and told her how I’d cut them off, how I’d changed. They told her if she promised to repair our relationship, they’d tell her how to find me. They all played me, Josie. Everyone I’d ever loved fucked me over without batting an eye. You’d think surely that’s the worst of it. It can’t get any worse.” Anders scoffed. “It gets so much fucking worse.”
“I’d given her access to my accounts, and just like my parents, she’d taken everything she could get her hands on. When I caught on, that’s when things got nasty.”
“How could they have gotten any worse?”
“Because in my anger, I went after everyone. Eva, Nicholas, my parents, Levi. Everyone. You already know what happened when I took Levi to court. What you don’t know is what happened after. The media painted Eva as a whore and ruined her reputation, as it should have been. She had no money, no place to live, and without my cash flow, Nicholas had no use for her. She was alone. What I didn’t account for, what I never in a million years anticipated, was her and Levi joining forces.”
“No.”
“Yes. I’d fucked with his career. His livelihood. After I won my lawsuit, no one would touch him. Eva found him and they devised a plan. An alternate story, if you will. One where I was the bad guy. Suddenly I wasn’t the guy fucked over. I was a cheating, abusive asshole who manipulated the entire situation because I’d knocked up my girlfriend and didn’t want it to cramp my style. She told the media I set everything up and that when I found out she was pregnant, I beat her until she lost the baby and then concocted a story about her sleeping with her gay best friend. The media crucified me. People egged my house, posted signs in my yard calling me a murderer. I couldn’t walk in public without fear of some nut job shoving a blade in my back. But I’m sure you already knew about that part.”
Josie’s eyes widened. “I do remember hearing about that when I moved here. I was busy with school, though, and didn’t pay it much attention.”
Anders nodded in understanding. “After some digging, Nathan proved it was all lies. He cleared my name, but at that point I was already done. I didn’t want to waste another second on Eva, and there was nothing left to take from Levi. I decided then I’d never fucking trust another person as long as I lived. I’d treat the world as it had treated me. It worked for a long time. Until I met you. You fucking changed everything, and I hated you for it, but I couldn’t leave you alone. I couldn’t let you go, and I hated myself for that. Then one day you were gone, and I realized I didn’t know shit about pain. Losing Eva, my parents, my reputation, none of that shit came close to what I felt when you left. You made me see life through eyes that weren’t bitter and hateful. You made me want more, and you showed me what it feels like to really love someone. I’d rather relive my past a million times than go through another day without you. Because living without you, that’s real pain.”
Josie crawled over Anders’ thighs and straddled his hips. Pulling his hand between hers, she kissed him. “They never deserved you. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. I’d never hurt you like that, Anders. I’m not that person. Thank you for trusting me. But, and please don’t think I’m being insensitive or hurtful, where does that leave us? What do you expect me to be for you?”
“Everything,” he answered, his face open and earnest.
“I don’t know what that means. Are you saying you want a real relationship with me? You want to let the world know we’re together and not hide anymore?”
“Yes. I want all of that. I want any of that. I just want you. I don’t give a fuck about the rest of the world. I don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything except you.”
Josie shook her head and dropped her gaze. She stared at the white cotton covering Anders’ chest with an unreadable expression on her face. Anders’ hands tightened around her hips, his throat and heart constricting.
“Ivy,” he rasped, his fingers flexing into her sides.
“I can’t…I can’t give you that. Not all at once.”
Anders’ stomach turned and his chest heaved. “Ivy, please. I know I fucked up. I know I did. But please...don’t give up on me. Please don’t take this away from me. I know that sounds selfish. I know I have no right to ask for things I don’t deserve, but I’m begging you. The way I feel about you is like nothing I’ve ever felt. Not for anyone. It scares the shit out of me, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Let me feel it for a little longer. Please.”
“Anders,” Josie choked. “I don’t want to take that away, you stupid man. You have no idea how it makes me feel to hear you say these things, to know you want me like I want you. I’m just not ready to put our relationship out there. I’m not ready for the world to come crashing into my life. I want to try with you, but I want to do it without an audience. I want privacy while I get to know the real you. Warts and all.”
Anders pulled her closer until their hips met. With his cheek resting against hers, he let his eyes fall shut as his shoulders sagged with relief. “I don’t have any warts,” he mumbled, his nose grazing the side of hers.
“Oh, I don’t know, every prince has his warts.”
“You think I’m a prince?”
“Well.” Josie grinned, her hands slipping under the hem of Anders’ shirt. “Only after the princess kissed you and changed you from a fly-eating frog.”
“And I suppose you’re the princess?” Anders chuckled.
“I damn well better be.”
“If you’re the princess, that means I get to kiss you.”
Josie hummed and leaned forward until their lips grazed. “Only if you’re worthy.”
Anders pulled back, the serious expression on his face caused Josie to frown. “I’m not worthy. I’m an asshole. I’m a frog. But Josie, for you, I want to be more. Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.”
“Whatever I want?” Josie asked, her brow lifting with curiosity.
Anders rolled his eyes. “Don’t get crazy. I know better than to agree to that. And don’t think just because I’m begging for your forgiveness and another chance that I’m going to act like a pussy and let you walk all over me. I’m still a man.”
“I’d be disappointed if you did.” Josie laughed, clutching the front of his shirt. “Never stop fighting with me. Never stop being you. It’s the part I love most. Now take me to bed because I’ve fucking missed you, asshole.”
Anders groaned and wrapped his arms around her back. Burying his face against her shoulder, he planted his feet and stood with her in his arms. Josie’s legs wrapped around his waist and her arms tightened around his neck.
“I’ve never been so happy to be called an asshole in my life.”
“‘Take me to bed or lose me forever,’” she sang, a cheeky smile on her face.
“Did you just quote Top Gun?”<
br />
“I did.”
“You’re fucking perfect, you know that?” A smile lit Anders’ face, not because of the cheesy line she quoted but because she got him. She was the perfect girl for him, and he had no intention of letting her go.
“That’s the rumor,” she whispered, touching her lips to his.
Anders rocked his hips. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”
Josie ducked her head and kissed the side of his neck. “Show me,” she mumbled, her lips pulling across his skin.
Without a word, Anders turned and walked toward her bedroom. He clutched her body against his as she breathed soft kisses along his neck. Hot breath touched his ear as her hands threaded into his hair, anchoring them together.
Lips pressed against his heated skin as he lowered her onto the bed. His hands skimmed her waist, traveling over her hips, stomach, and breasts as he sought purchase of her mouth. “Kiss me, Ivy. I want to feel your lips.”
Josie jerked, her entire body constricting from the emotions welling inside her. Without hesitation, their lips connected. Flesh to flesh, tongue to tongue, they reconnected. Each stroke was a promise, an apology. Every touch a vow of what could be and what they promised to leave behind.
Hands drifted and clothes disappeared as they peeled back the layers obstructing them, both literally and metaphorically. Each shred of fabric removed an emotional barrier between them until eventually both were bare, unarmored and at the mercy of the other.
Anders crawled on the bed, hovering above Josie. “Please don’t break my heart.”
Josie tightened her grasp on his shoulder blades. With tears in her eyes, she pulled him flush against her. “I would never.”
Anders flexed his hips and slid inside her. Harsh breaths and low whimpers echoed around the room as he made love to her for the first time. It was love and lust, apologies and acceptance. It was the past and possibilities coming together. It was hope for more. More of everything.