“Mech!” Cal yelped. “What the fonk did you press?”
The voice from the speakers let out a little chuckle. “Sorry. Couldn’t resist.”
Ronda appeared on the right hand screen, smiling. “Oh, your face is going to be a picture,” she said.
“Narp’s mom?” said Cal.
“Ronda. And yes, it’s me. I hope you like your present.”
“It’s awesome!” said Cal. “No, more than that – it’s space awesome.”
“That don’t even make sense,” Mech muttered.
“And the name!” said Cal. “I mean, ‘Colossobot’? That’s totally what I would have called it.”
Ronda smiled. “I know. And you did. I see the future, remember?”
Cal frowned. “I thought you read minds?”
“No,” said Ronda. “No, I don’t.”
“How do we fly this thing?” Mech asked.
“I should point out, this isn’t live,” said Ronda. “This is a pre-recording, and while I have predicted most of what you say, I can’t see all of it.”
“Why not?” said Cal. “Do we die? Is that it? Is that why you can’t see our future? Do we die?”
“No,” said Ronda. “You don’t die. Well, not all of you, anyway.”
Cal, Mech and Miz’s jaws all dropped simultaneously.
“Sorry, kidding again,” said Ronda. “None of you die, as far as I can gather. At least, not in this thing. But… It’s complicated. My point is, I know where you need to go, and I’ve pre-programmed it into the auto-pilot. You will be lifting off momentarily.”
As if on cue, the Colossobot began to vibrate, just faintly. The buildings below them trembled as the ground beneath the robot’s feet rumbled like thunder.
“Good luck,” said Ronda. “I’m afraid you’re going to need it.”
She gave them a nod, then her image disappeared.
It reappeared again a second or two later. “Oh, and no, Cal, I won’t send you the recipe for Spit Nibbles. It’s a family secret. You can try the replicator aboard your ship, of course – and you do - but you ultimately find them a bit disappointing.” She smiled brightly. “Sorry about that.”
Her image disappeared again, just as the floor lurched beneath them. Cal and Miz both hopped into the nearest seat. Unfortunately, it was the same seat, and Cal lost the ensuing fight for it almost immediately.
He slid into the next seat over, instead. It was beside a large panel that positively swarmed with interesting-looking buttons. Twenty or more of them had been covered with some sort of paper-like tape. Warning messages were written on each one in studious, old-lady handwriting.
‘Do not touch this.’
‘Or this.’
‘This will kill you.’
‘You don’t want to know.’
Cal resisted the urge to press them all, and fixed his attention on the screen, instead. The city was just beginning to fall away below them as the Colossobot rose towards the clouds, steadily picking up speed as it went.
The screen became a haze of gray for a few seconds, and then the sunlight returned, brighter than below, even with the shadow of the floating cities above them.
That was a point.
“Uh, how are we going to get past all those platforms?” Cal wondered. “I don’t see a gap big enough.”
The Colossobot continued to pick up speed. The fiery blue glow of one of the cities was directly overhead, quietly minding its own business.
“We’re not… We’re not just going to ram it, are we?” Cal asked. He reached for his seat belt, but found none. “Mech? Are we going to ram it?”
“How the fonk should I know, man?” Mech snapped. Judging by the way he was gripping the frame of the viewscreen, though, Cal reckoned he at least had a few suspicions about what was going to happen next, and there was very probably a certain amount of ramming involved.
Cal tried to grab his arm rests, but the chair had none. He grabbed his knees instead. He wasn’t quite sure why, or how it would help him, but his instincts told him it was better to be holding onto something at times such as these.
“We’re going to ram it!” Cal cried. “We’re definitely going to ram it!”
They didn’t ram it.
Instead, the Colossobot’s arms raised above its head, and two enormous hands pressed against the underside of the floating city. The robot continued upwards, but more slowly than it had been, being careful not to tilt the platform as it hefted it up towards the atmosphere.
“We are… Are we lifting a city?” asked Cal.
“We’re lifting a city,” Mech confirmed.
“Wow. Pretty cool, huh?” said Cal, turning to Miz. She shrugged.
“I guess.”
Once it had cleared enough room for it to squeeze through, the Colossobot extracted itself from beneath the city and let it go. By the time the robot had reached the edge of space, the city had already drifted back down into its starting position.
Beyond the robot’s eye-screens, colors swirled and danced. More and more stars appeared, as if the atmosphere were being gradually wiped away, revealing the reaches of space beyond.
“Well,” said Cal. “I am not going to miss that place. Anyone else?”
Mech shrugged. “It wasn’t all bad.”
“It was mostly bad,” Cal argued. “Like, ninety eight-point-five per cent bad, and the other one-point-five was just average.” A thought struck him. “Wait! I’m not Nob Muntch anymore!”
Miz looked up from her nails. “That means I’m not Loren.”
“And that you are Gluk Disselpoof,” said Cal, turning to Mech. “Unlucky.”
“Fonk you, man,” said Mech. “I liked being Thark Dandar.”
The Colossobot left the atmosphere and pushed onwards into space, turning slightly as it aligned itself to its new course. “Think this thing’s going to take us to Loren?” Cal asked.
“I don’t know,” said Mech. “Narp’s mom seemed to know what she was doing.”
Cal nodded. “You, uh, you know what this means, right? If we’re going to get her back, it means we’re going to war.”
“I know,” said Mech.
“Right. Right,” said Cal. “It’s just, you know, you seemed pretty against that idea. Before, I mean.”
“Still am,” said Mech. “I don’t want to do this, but Loren’s one of us.”
“She’s family,” said Miz, much to Cal’s amazement. Miz shifted uncomfortably when he gaped at her. “But, like, someone in the family you hate. Like a racist uncle, or whatever.”
“Gotcha,” said Cal.
“Or a cousin who’s a sex offender.”
“Right. I’m sure she’ll be delighted with those comparisons,” Cal said, then a shimmering bubble of energy appeared around all the chairs on the deck, sealing both Cal and Miz inside. “Great, what’s this now?” Cal muttered, then the engines in the Colossobot’s feet kicked in, and space became a mind-bending blur of speed around them.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
One short – and, thanks to the bubble things around the chair, surprisingly pleasant space flight later, Cal gazed out through the eyes of his giant robot at an even more giant space ship. The Symmorium Destroyer filled space in all directions, its vast, Alaska-sized hull pockmarked with blaster fire and scorch marks.
“Coo-ee. Anyone home?” Cal asked, leaning down and speaking into what Mech assured him was the intercom. “This is the Colossobot – I know, awesome name, right? – requesting landing clearance from, uh, needlessly huge Symmorium space ship.”
He sat back and waited for a response. Almost a full minute passed, and he was about to try again when the face of Subsent Takta appeared on screen. The high-ranking Symmorium looked like someone had taken a shizz in his cereal. Then again, considering the foul-tasting gray paste he had served up earlier, that would probably come as a welcome change.
“You,” he spat, baring a significant number of teeth. “You dare show your face?”
“Uh, ye
ah. Hi!” said Cal. “Sorry, are you angry about us taking your tracking device off our ship? Because, I mean, I don’t know. It feels like we should be angry at you for putting it on there, in the first place.”
“We were taking precautions,” Takta said. “And well we should have, given your subsequent betrayal. Your companion – the Zertex woman – gained entry to this vessel in order to free her kin. She betrayed our trust. You betrayed our trust.”
“Actually, we tried to stop her,” said Cal. “She took the ship, and now she’s in trouble.”
“I am aware of her current situation, but I see through the pretense,” Takta said. “Her incarceration is Zertex propaganda. She is in no danger.”
“With all due respect, sharky, that’s bullshizz,” said Cal. “Look, can you just put Commander Junta on? I’ll talk to him, we’ll sort some things out, then be on our way.”
“There is no Commander Junta here,” Takta replied. “You will turn around now, or be destroyed. This is your only warning.”
“What do you mean, there’s no Commander Junta?” Cal asked. “There is. We know there is.”
“He has been demoted. He is fortunate not to be in prison.”
A text box flashed up on screen, filled with a number of alien symbols. As Cal watched, his eye chip translated them until they formed a series of equally cryptic numbers, and an additional line of text at the bottom.
‘Ronda. X’
They were co-ordinates. Even Cal could tell that much. Quite where in space they pointed to, though, he had no idea. Luckily, Mech was already tapping at a console.
“OK, OK, you know what? On second thoughts, you win,” said Cal, as the Colossobot slowly began to orbit around the outside of the Symmorium destroyer. “We’ll just get out of your hair. Not that you have hair, but… You know what I mean. We’ll go, is the point I’m trying to make.”
“Then go,” Takta responded. “You have one minute to clear the area, or you will discover just how dangerous an enemy I can be.”
“Sounds fair,” said Cal. He glanced sideways at Mech, who gestured for him to keep the Symmorium talking. “So, wait. Is that a minute starting now, or once we’ve stopped talking?”
“It has already begun.”
“Right,” said Cal. “It’s just… The Sentience granted us the freedom of Symmorium space.”
Takta’s black eyes somehow found it in themselves to darken further. “Your point?”
“Well, my point is, isn’t this Symmorium space?” Cal gestured around him. “You know, all this?”
Takta ground his teeth together. “It is.”
“Then, I mean, maybe I’m wrong, but doesn’t that mean we can just sort of hang around? Your boss pretty much came right out and said so.”
“I represent the will of the Sentience,” said Takta. “I have the power to alter and amend decrees on its behalf, and I am telling you to leave. Now.”
Cal puffed out the area between his top lip and the bottom of his nose, then let it out in a long farting sound. “Fair enough, then,” he said. “But can we reset the timer? We want to leave, but we’ve chatted so long I’m worried you’ll blow us to bits when we’re turning around. How about you give us another minute, starting now?”
“No!”
Cal glanced across to Mech. He was still giving the stalling motion, but indicating they were close. “Uh… Um…” Cal fumbled for something to say.
“Can you smell trunyuns?” Miz asked. Cal blinked in surprise. On screen, the Symmorium leader looked confused.
“What?”
“Trunyuns. You know, the vegetable?” said Miz. “Can you smell them?”
Subsent Takta shook his head angrily. “No! No, I can’t smell trunyuns.”
“Oh,” said Miz, hooking a leg over her chair. “Like, not even if they’re up really close?”
Takta scowled. “What are you talking about?”
Cal sat upright in his chair as the Colossobot rounded one of the Symmorium ship’s many sticky-outty metal bits.
“Doesn’t matter,” he said, his voice becoming a whisper. “We found what we’re looking for.”
There, behind the glowing energy wall of one of the ship’s docking bays, was the Currently Untitled.
* * *
Splurt thought for a moment, then shifted his shape until he resembled a small tree.
“No,” said Kevin.
Splurt became a warp disk.
“No,” said Kevin.
Splurt became a Thundercats pencil case.
“No,” said Kevin. “Getting colder.”
Splurt became a series of things in rapid succession: a rubber duck; a space chair; a shock rod; a small but potent jar of pot pourri; something that was a bit like a gerbil, only with more heads and a tail made of fire.
Kevin dismissed all of them with a simple, “No.”
Splurt was considering his next move – either a towel or a dolphin – when he felt Cal inside his head. He pulsed excitedly and bobbed up and down a few times, before transforming into another new shape.
“Nope,” said Kevin. “I’m not being a big arrow.”
Splurt stretched himself until his arrow-shaped head was practically touching the viewscreen. It took Kevin a moment to catch on.
“Oh, my. It appears there’s a rather large robotic figure out there. I wonder where that came from?”
Splurt squidged around, becoming an identical duplicate of Cal. He pointed to himself, then gestured out to the Colossobot.
“Are you sure?” Kevin asked, sounding skeptical. “I don’t recall Master Carver ever mentioning owning an enormous robot.”
Splurt nodded enthusiastically, and pointed again. Kevin’s artificial intellect considered their next move carefully, then he gave an entirely digital shrug. “Very well, let’s investigate,” he said, firing up the ship’s take-off thrusters.
The Untitled lifted off the deck, dipped its nose, and pulled towards the glowing energy wall ahead of them. Splurt hopped into Cal’s chair, changed himself back into his default green ball form, and wobbled excitedly on the spot.
“Oh, and in case you were wondering, I was also a brick,” said Kevin, as the ship passed through the barrier. “But I’d already planned to do it before you did it. So, if anything, you copied me.”
“—vin? Can you hear me? Helloooo?”
Cal’s voice came over the comm-link as soon as the Untitled was beyond the energy wall. Splurt rippled with joy as Cal’s face appeared on the right of the screen.
“Hey, I see… There’s my little guy!” Cal said, grinning from ear to ear. “Splurt, buddy, you are a sight for sore eyes.”
“I think I speak for both of us when I say it is a pleasure to see you, too, sir,” said Kevin. “But I’m afraid Ms Loren is—”
“Gone, yeah, we know. Any idea where?”
“I’m afraid not, sir,” said Kevin.
“OK, not to worry,” said Cal. “Listen, Kevin, the Symmorium are going to start shooting at us very soon, and it turns out there aren’t enough of us to fly this thing above, like, ten miles per hour.”
“I see,” said Kevin, even though he didn’t really.
“Mech says there’s some kind of, like, umbilical cord we can hook up to you guys, so we can jump aboard.”
“Extending it now,” came Mech’s voice from somewhere off screen.
“Can you see it?” asked Cal.
In the viewscreen of the Untitled, a long, snaking hose extended from the crotch of the giant robot. Splurt’s eyes widened a little, then raised to the ceiling. Although he couldn’t see the owner of the magic floating voice, Splurt was pretty sure he looked back down at him.
“Uh, yes, sir,” said Kevin. “It’s quite… prominent. We shall connect with you in a few moments.”
* * *
Aboard the Colossobot, Cal nodded to Mech, who flicked the controls that brought Subsent Takta back on screen. “You cut me off!” the Symmorium roared. “How dare you! I am dispatching Threshe
r ships to your location. You will be dealt with swiftly!”
“OK, here’s the thing, Takta,” said Cal. “Shut up. Not only do we have an experimental – if, admittedly, highly unstable – ship at our disposal, we’re also, you might have noticed, currently inside a giant fonking robot which my colleague assures me has a lot of guns.”
Mech leaned over into shot. “A lot,” he confirmed, then he leaned back again.
“Also, and this is what I want you to keep in mind here, Takta,” Cal continued, leaning forwards as if about to impart some great wisdom. “We are not your enemy here. Our friend… A member of our family, is in trouble, and we just want to get her back. To do so, we are going to blow up a lot of Zertex ships.”
Mech leaned in again. “A lot.”
“And, with a bit of luck, kick the president square in the nuts,” Cal continued. “So, you can either try to stop us doing these things which, again, I don’t recommend, or you can stay the Hell out of our way, and let us get our friend back.”
He leaned back and idly traced a finger over something he hoped looked suitably threatening. “So. What’s it to be?”
Takta ground his teeth together, very slowly and very deliberately. Just as he reached the stage when Cal was starting to worry about the guy’s orthodontist bill, the Symmorium spoke.
“Very well. We will not engage,” he said. “But if we discover you have betrayed us, we will consider you an ally of Zertex, and our war will be with you, too. Is that understood?”
“Loud and clear, sharky,” Cal said. He indicated for Mech to turn off the feed, but then stopped. “How’s it going, anyway? The war, I mean?”
Takta’s expression told Cal everything he needed to know. “That bad, huh?”
“They had been planning for some time,” Takta said. “With the footage they fabricated for the destruction of Pikkish, they have been able to rally otherwise neutral systems to their cause. A fight against Zertex alone, we could conceivably win. A battle against the entire galaxy? That is another matter.”
“Oh. Right,” said Cal. He brightened. “Well, good luck with it all!”
Mech shut down the feed as Cal jumped to his feet and strode towards the elevator. “OK, let’s get back to the Untitled, then go get Loren.”
Space Team: The Guns of Nana Joan Page 21