The man laughed, as Jake slowly rose, keeping his eyes on Lloyd. He supposed that if God wanted to punish him for his sins, He had found the perfect torture. He had let him get close to this son of his, love him, nurture him, feel his love in return, only to have it all be destroyed. What he had feared more than death was in Lloyd’s eyes: shame, humiliation, hatred…yes, the hatred was there too. How well he knew what the boy was feeling, and he wished he had done something to cause Gentry to shoot him dead so he wouldn’t have to see that look in Lloyd’s eyes.
One of the deputies unlocked the cell door while another held a shotgun on both men. “No funny business,” the first man said, letting Lloyd inside the cell. He closed and locked the door, and the prisoner across the way began his teasing remarks again.
“Shut up, Collier, or you’ll get no damn supper tonight!” one of the deputies warned him. “You know I mean it!”
Collier just chuckled and went back to his cot, curling up with his back to Jake’s cell.
“Have you seen your mother?” Jake asked. “She’s worried sick about you.”
Lloyd swallowed. Could this be the same man he had loved and trusted all these years, had shared his dreams with over campfires? They should be back in Colorado, riding the line, laughing together. Jake Hayes didn’t belong in a prison cell, possibly to be executed. But then this wasn’t Jake Hayes. He was Jake Harkner, the outlaw.
“I haven’t seen her or Evie. I didn’t know where to look,” he said, trying to keep his anger in check. “I went straight to the courthouse and found out where they were keeping you.”
“Your mother’s at the Carriage Hotel, but she’s looking for a rooming house, something less expensive until the trial is over. Jess is with her, but she needs you.”
The boy smiled bitterly. “Needs me? You’re the one she needs. We all need you. Why in hell did she marry you, anyway? Did she know from the beginning?”
Jake could see already that the boy had put up a wall too high for him to climb over. It was going to take a long time for him to get over this, if he ever did. His chest felt tight, and it pained him to breathe. Lloyd! He couldn’t have had a son to be more proud of. He didn’t see him as a man, but as the little boy he’d loved so; the child who had ridden on his shoulders, laughed and screamed the first time he’d put him on a horse; the young boy who had struggled not to cry the day he gave him that first rifle.
“She knew,” he answered. “She also knew I needed and wanted to change my life. She knew things had happened to me that led me into a life I never really wanted—”
“Like killing your own pa?” Lloyd sneered. He watched his father literally wilt. The man closed his eyes and sat down on the cot, putting his head in his hands. “As much as I hate you right now,” Lloyd went on, “I couldn’t kill you, because you’re my flesh and blood! Only right now I have trouble calling you pa because I’m not sure I want to face the fact that a man wanted for murder and rape and robbery, a man who killed his own father, is my father! What does that make me? Do I have bad blood? Zane Parker apparently thinks so! He’s taken Beth away, and I don’t even know where! I love her! I need her! But she’s gone, and it’s all your fault! You’ve lied to me, all these years, lied about your past, about what happened back in California, everything! How could you do it? How could you kill your own father?”
Jake looked up at him, struggling against the old feelings of guilt and worthlessness Miranda had been telling him for years he shouldn’t feel. He rose, facing Lloyd squarely. “You tell me what you would’ve done when you were fifteen years old, feeling like you did then about Beth, if you found me raping her!” His heart ached at the horror on his son’s face. “What would you have done if you weren’t strong enough to stop me, and you could hear Beth crying and begging me to let her go? What would you have done, Lloyd? I was fifteen years old, and my father was big like me! The girl’s name was Santana, and we were friends, just like you and Beth! Sometimes you just do what you have to do! For a long time after that, I figured I must be just as mean and rotten as he was, so I lived a mean and rotten life! I didn’t give a damn about myself or anybody else! But you wouldn’t understand that, because you grew up in a home filled with love! I’ve never raised a hand to you in your entire life! My father beat me practically every day of my life. He murdered my mother and my little brother! It wasn’t until I met your mother that I began to learn the meaning of love, to learn how it felt to be loved! I made the mistake of wanting that to last forever, so I ran from my past. I wanted to protect you and Evie from the ugliness of it all, so I never told you; but the biggest reason was that I never wanted you to feel about me the way I felt about my father! I never wanted to see that shame and hatred in your eyes. I know how it feels, Lloyd. I know too goddamn well how it feels!”
Lloyd closed his eyes and turned away, grasping the bars of the cell. Jake’s eyes teared and he reached out to touch the boy’s shoulder, but Lloyd jerked it away. “Don’t, Pa.”
Jake took a little hope in the words. It was the first time the boy had called him Pa since arriving. He swallowed to keep from breaking down. “Son, if there was any way I could change all this, make us all just be back home, a happy family again; if I could erase all of this for you, I’d do it in an instant, even if it meant putting a gun to my head.”
“Did you rape women?”
“No,” Jake answered quickly. “No, I never did that. I’m accused of it only because of certain men I rode with. I’ve never raped a woman or hurt a woman any other way, never shot a woman or a child. You’ve got to believe that much. You must know that from the way I’ve treated Evie and your mother all these years.”
“Others will believe it. They’ll believe all the charges. Beth’s father believes them, and he’s taken Beth away somewhere.” He faced his father. “I love her! We had even made love, more than once, made promises to always be together, and now he’s taken her away!” Tears of anger and despair formed in his eyes. “How am I ever supposed to hold a decent job or marry a decent woman, being the son of an accused murderer and rapist? People will say like father, like son.”
Jake quickly wiped at tears, hating to have his son see him this way, needing a bath and a shave, locked up in this hellhole. Would he also have to watch him hang, or be executed some other way? He didn’t mind dying, probably deserved it. He just wished that by dying he could erase all of his past and ensure a happy life for his wife and children.
“They might,” he answered. “But you have to learn to be your own man, Lloyd, to be proud of who you are. You have to be strong, to show them they’re wrong.”
Lloyd closed his eyes, a tear slipping down his cheek. “That night I shot that squatter, you told me you’d killed a few men, mostly in self-defense. How many is a few, Pa? Ten? Twenty? Thirty?”
Jake sighed deeply. “I honestly don’t know.”
Lloyd snickered bitterly and shook his head. “You don’t even know. And they weren’t all in self-defense, were they?”
“Some weren’t, but most were. Men knew I was good with guns. The kind of men I ran with, I was constantly being challenged. Somehow it all got out of hand. I was young, full of hate.”
For the first time, Jake saw that dark meanness in the boy’s eyes that made him look almost like the wanted poster of himself. “Well, that’s how I feel right now! I hate your father, I hate you for lying to me, I hate Lieutenant Gentry for turning you in, I hate Beth’s father for taking her away! I even hate God for letting all of this happen! Why did you even have us, Pa? Why did you let the evil seed of your father be spread any further?”
Jake felt as though the boy had rammed a knife into him. “Because I loved your mother, and she wanted babies. If she could have had more, I’d have let her have ten! She’s a good woman, full of love and forgiveness. Evie is just like her. With you, I can see that forgiveness is not something that’s going to come easy, but in a way I do
n’t need it, Lloyd. I’ve paid my dues. The things I did were the result of years of beatings from my own father, of being called a bastard and told I was worthless, to the point where I believed it. The man standing before you right now is not the man who committed all those crimes. He died the day I met your mother!”
“Did he? Maybe he lives on in me, Pa! Maybe there’s a side to me I don’t know anything about. Maybe I should put on those guns of yours and go out there and find out who the real Lloyd Harkner is! That’s my real name, isn’t it? Harkner! Lloyd Harkner, son of Jake Harkner, the outlaw!”
Jake’s reaction was instant. It was a quick reflex from a sudden need to stop his son from his foolish ideas. Lloyd was nothing like him! He must never go searching for that dark side! Not Lloyd! With the old force that controlled his reflexes before he could think, he slammed a fist into the boy, knocking him across the cell and against a cement wall. Lloyd slid to the floor, dazed, and Jake looked down at his fist as though it were a weapon that was not a part of his body.
“My God,” he groaned. He looked at Lloyd, saw himself at his father’s hands. “Lloyd.” His breath would not come. He gasped to find it, shook as he knelt to help Lloyd up. The boy shoved at him, turned away. A deep gash on his lip bled profusely as he stumbled to the cell door and yelled for a guard to let him out.
“Lloyd, wait!” Jake growled. “Anything I’ve done was to keep you from suffering, to love you the way I was never loved.”
Lloyd turned as the two deputies came back inside. He wiped at his bleeding lip, his face a livid red. “I’ve got a lot of thinking to do,” he answered, his voice shaking. He gasped in an effort not to cry. “For the first…time in my life…I’m afraid of my own father. I don’t know you, Pa. I guess I never did, did I? Well, maybe…you don’t know me either.”
One of the deputies opened the door. “What the hell is going on here? For Christ sake, Harkner, what kind of man are you, hitting your own son when he comes to visit you?”
“Just shows you the kind of man he really is,” the other deputy put in.
“Better keep an eye on the boy there,” Collier shouted from the other cell. “He’s a lot like his pa, mean and stubborn.”
Lloyd looked back at his father, tears on his face. Part of him wanted to go to the man and embrace him, tell him he loved him in spite of his past. He wanted to hug the father he had always known, but he couldn’t bear to touch the man Jake Harkner once was. He needed him, but he wanted to hurt him like he’d been hurt. The look in Jake’s eyes right now tore at his guts, but he couldn’t bring himself to utter any words of affection. He turned and left.
Jake drew in his breath in a shuddering sob, all the old frustration and shame and hatred for his own father welling up in him and exploding in a rage pent up for thirty-five years. He looked at his fist again in disbelief, then slammed it into the concrete wall, over and over, so full of fury that he did not feel the pain. With every blow he growled like a wild man. He kept up the self-abuse until he literally ran out of strength and wilted to the floor, his hand bloody and broken.
***
Miranda braced herself, ignoring the dark dampness of the lower prison cells, ignoring the smell of sweat and urine. Jake hated for her to come here, but when the deputy sheriff told her Jake had badly injured his hand and had been seen by a doctor, she insisted on seeing him right away.
She struggled to stay in control when she was let inside his cell. He slowly rose, looking terribly thin, his face haggard. It was obvious he had not been allowed to clean up. He needed a shave, and his right hand was heavily bandaged clear up to the elbow. “Jake,” she whispered, stepping closer.
“I told you I don’t want you in this stinking place.” He moved past her, leaned against a side wall. “That lawyer you hired came to see me this morning. You keep doing things I ask you not to do! You’re going to need every dime we have left. Don’t be spending money on a lawyer. There’s nothing to defend.”
She saw him now, the old, hard Jake. There was the meanness in his eyes, the old crust that refused to let anything else hurt him. This was the Jake she had first come to know.
“What happened, Jake? What happened to your hand? You’re in terrible pain. I can see it in your face. You’re pale, and you’ve been sick. What caused all of this?”
He smiled bitterly. “Lloyd was here. Didn’t he tell you?”
Her eyes widened. “Lloyd! When? I haven’t even seen him!”
He closed his eyes. “Damn,” he moaned. “He’s left then. God only knows where he’s gone or what he’ll do.” He opened his bloodshot eyes, breathed deeply as he looked down at his hand. “I hit him.”
She closed her eyes and sucked in her breath, knowing what must have gone through his mind. “Oh, Jake,” she whispered.
“He said maybe he was…just like me.” The words came in broken stutters as he refused to let himself break down. “He said maybe he should put on my guns…and go find out who the real Lloyd Harkner is. He’s lost Beth because of me, and that’s what’s eating at him the worst. When he said those things, I lost control. I wanted to stop him…just stop him; but it came out of me the same way it used to come out of my pa, through my fist.”
“Jake.” She started toward him but he waved her off and turned away from her.
“The way he looked at me—” He breathed deeply. “I saw myself, saw all the hatred, the hurt, even the fear. I never thought I could hit my own son. After he left, all the old hatred for my own father and for myself just…welled up inside of me. I started hitting the wall…over and over until I passed out.”
“I can bring you something for the pain—”
“I don’t want anything for it! Don’t you understand, Randy? I want to hurt! I deserve to hurt!”
“No! You’re wrong, Jake! How many years did it take me to convince you of that? All that happened was your father’s fault, not yours! And when you hit Lloyd, it wasn’t out of cussed meanness like your father, it was out of love, out of a desperate need to keep him from suffering and making the same mistakes you did when you were young. When he has time to think all this over, he’ll realize that. You’ve loved him too much over the years for him to turn away from that love forever. Jake, please let me hold you.”
“No. It only makes it harder for me.” He winced with pain and supported his right arm with his left hand as he walked over to sit down on the cot. “You’ve got to find him, Randy. You’re the only one who might be able to talk some sense into him, make him understand. He won’t listen to me right now.” He met her eyes. “You have a way of making ornery men listen. You bring out the best in people. Jess can help you find him.”
She stood in front of him. “He’s my son too. As a mother, I see him as a helpless boy running around out there in a cruel world. You know I’ll try to find him. I’ll have the police search the city. Surely he’ll come and see me and Evie, he’ll come to the trial.”
“Trial? There’s no sense in even having one. I’m already a condemned man.”
“The crime is twenty years old. We’re bringing in people to testify as to the good man you’ve been over those twenty years. I’ll tell the judge what a good father and husband you’ve been. We’ve even subpoenaed Zane Parker to testify to the fact that for years you’ve been his right-hand man, carried important responsibilities, risked your life to save a miners’ payroll. The man might not want Lloyd near his daughter now, or want us on his land, but he can’t deny the truth about the kind of man you’ve been these past years. I’m getting an affidavit from Betsy Price as to the kind of man you were when she knew you in California, and from Mrs. Anderson in Virginia City. The judge can’t ignore the way you’ve changed your life, Jake. He has to take all that into consideration.”
He shook his head. “Damn it, Randy, it doesn’t matter. I’ve lost Lloyd. I did some terrible things and I’m getting my just punishment.”
“Jake Harkner, don’t you dare give up on me! All these years I’ve held on, stayed by your side through the worst of it. Be strong for me, Jake!” Her voice broke, and she turned away, her shoulders shaking in sobs.
She felt him touch her then. She turned and wept against his chest, took comfort in the feel of his left arm embracing her. “My poor Randy,” he groaned. “You’ve always been far too good for me.”
“No. Not nearly good enough. You’re…the one who had the strength to rebuild your life…after all the obstacles…all the horror. I’ve always admired your courage, Jake. Don’t lose it now.”
“I don’t think I can go on with my son hating me,” he told her. She felt him tremble. “I can’t stand it, Randy. You didn’t see how he looked at me.”
She rubbed at his back. “If you won’t fight for yourself, Jake, then fight for that, for Lloyd. You never had the chance to confront your own father, to truly know him. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t have liked to be able to just see him once more and tell him that deep inside a part of you loved him. You never got over his life ending through such hatred and hard feelings. Don’t let it be that way for you and Lloyd. Someday he’s going to see he was wrong, and you’re going to want to be here for him when he does.”
Jake pulled away and rubbed at his eyes. “The only thing he understands is that he’s lost Beth. He admitted that things between them had gone a lot further than we thought. I’d be angry too, if somebody caused me to lose you.”
She touched the bandages on his arm. “Jake, your hand. It must be so painful.”
“I’d cut it off if it would bring back Lloyd and keep him from trouble,” he said resignedly. He walked to the cell door, feeling restless. “When is the trial?”
“Just a few more days, Attorney Mattson says. He’ll be coming to talk to you again soon. Tell him the truth, Jake. Don’t leave anything out.” She rose and walked over to put a hand to his back. “Don’t lose hope, Jake.”
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